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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm so fed up with him!

22 replies

tiredofarguing · 25/12/2007 21:23

DH really got on my nerves today. DD was crying as she was a bit tired and after about 10 minutes DH hands her to me, muttering that he's off from work and wants some peace and quiet I said (in a nice way) that our jobs as parents are 24/7, we can't just switch off! And this was all while I was trying to get Christmas dinner ready

I look after DD way more than he does, but I'm not back at work yet. But I hate when he acts the martyr! I'm about to put my foot well and truly down.

I will talk to him, might wait til tomorrow so Xmas is over and done with. He's being antisocial and watching telly in the bedroom

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Tortington · 25/12/2007 21:34

i' tell him tha he beter research soe childcare options becusae "i also want to go work for some fucking peace"

then call him a nob wank

theUrbanDryAdventCalendar · 25/12/2007 21:36

wot Custy said.

a line i found very useful when my dh was working about working long hours was, "My job started on the 5th January 2007 and will never end, so shut the fuck up you lazy fuck and change some nappies."

theUrbanDryAdventCalendar · 25/12/2007 21:37

was whingeing about working long hours.

and i may have overused the word fuck, for which i apologise.

Original poster

tiredofarguing · 25/12/2007 21:56

lol!

thanks you two.

My fault is that I've been too placid and seethed far too much, I HATE confrontation.

That's going out of the window, tis more than time for a talk.

There's a bit more than this going on. For example he can be so rude/moody/offhand when talking to me, now he's being a bit like that to my mum which is not on either. I'm no longer going to enable his behaviour,

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coldtits · 25/12/2007 22:00

He's not being at all fair. It's not on at all to leave all the donkey work to you, and as for being rude to your mum, that's just bang out of order.

I have been to work and looked after a child, and it is no harder than justv looking after the child - in some ways it is easier, because you have OTHER PEOPLE to talk to! He's being a lazy twat. Foot down hard. Your name is not Cinderella.

Original poster

tiredofarguing · 25/12/2007 22:17

Shit.

Couldn't wait til tomorrow and tried to talk.

He wasn't the mood and wanted to watch telly.

I shouldn't have pushed further but I did amd started to shout at me. I wasn't rude or brash, and he thinks I'm making him out to be the bad guy and now my hands are shaking and I'm crying.

I feel stupid and hate feeling like this

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theUrbanDryAdventCalendar · 25/12/2007 22:19

what did you say? i always make the mistake of saying something like, "I'm not criticising but..." which puts dh immediately on the defensive.

i'm sorry you're going through this. he sounds like a knob tbh

theUrbanDryAdventCalendar · 25/12/2007 22:20

and anyway, why does it matter if he's in the mood? you need to talk to him about your relationship, and he's not in the mood? ffs.

i'd be extremely angry if i were you. in fact, i'm angry and i don't even know you!!

coldtits · 25/12/2007 22:20

well, he is being the bad guy!

He can't just treat you badly then huff when you point it out! Protesting against being ill treated isn't you making him out to be the bad guy. And I don't blame you for not leaving it, I couldn't have either.

You have the right not to be treated badly. You have the right to complain when he does. He doesn't have the right to shout you down just because you are saying something he would rather not hear.

Original poster

tiredofarguing · 25/12/2007 22:35

I don't know, I could have just asked him when he'd like to talk and not carried on, he wasn't even looking at me when I started, he kept watching the telly. Or arranged go out for a walk to talk...

I started by saying that we should be nicer to my mum though she can be annoying at times and that I felt he was a bit rude earlier. I don't think my tone was inflammatory but he exploded and brought up stuff I thought we dealt with and was not completely relevant.

I let him rant then say his piece (he said I was rude for continuing when he made it clear he didn't want to talk) then I said he needs to think about how he talks to me cos I'd never be deliberately so rude to him. I apologised for interrupting his telly (not sarcastically, I promise!)and left.

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Alambil · 25/12/2007 22:41

Find some wire cutters for the telly plug - that would screw him right up!

how dare he say you are rude - what the hell is he then!?

Arsehole (him - not you!)

coldtits · 25/12/2007 22:44

Well, gosh, I personally think it's rude of him to watch the telly when you clearly wanted to talk.

You have the right to demand his attention - he has the right to refuse to give it, he doesn't have the right to berate you for wanting it.

I think you will need to keep picking away at this. In his opinion, if he can bully you into shutting up about it, then that means it isn't a problem any more. You obviously don't mind, because you're not complaining. He will conveniently forget that he has verbally battered you into not complaining. He will choose to believe that you are happy, as it is easier than admitting to himself that his selfishness is making you unhappy.

MorocconOil · 25/12/2007 22:45

I just think men, christmas, and small children are incompatible(IME)

Original poster

tiredofarguing · 25/12/2007 22:51

I feel angry yet silly and am beating myself up for this ruck. At the same time I KNOW that's stupid, if it was a friend of mine I'd tell her to tell her DH to get lost

Why do I feel so crappy? Am I right in thinking he's overreacting? I do think he has a tendency to overreact at times, tbh and can be quite defensive.

Oh well at least it's Xmas night and it wasn't sooner in front of the rest of the family that came round...

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coldtits · 25/12/2007 22:53

I think it's a shame it wasn't sooner - then your family may have told him he was being a knob and he would not have succeeded in making you unsure about whether or not his treatment of you is poor.

FREAKshow · 25/12/2007 23:04

Sorry to diss your other half, but he's being a wanker and behaving like a sullen teenager. Don't buy his crap about you being rude ? you have every right to try and make things right. Commitment to a relationship means putting 'making things right' before watching telly, and being fair in the distribution of work. If he's not listening to you trying to make it fair, he doesn't want to be fair. If he's telling you you're rude to inturrupt his telly watching to try and sort out something you are upset about, he respects his own recreation more than he does your feelings.

Whack him!

Anniegetyourgun · 26/12/2007 09:24

... not literally, of course; we don't advocate domestic violence on this forum.

Original poster

tiredofarguing · 26/12/2007 11:32

There's a fragile peace at the moment, we'll see how this turns out.

Thanks everyone for your input!

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colditz · 27/12/2007 00:36

How's it going TOA? Did you raise the matter?

FREAKshow · 28/12/2007 01:31

No, not literally!!!

Hope you're feeling OK TOA.

Original poster

tiredofarguing · 28/12/2007 15:38

Well I didn't say anything to him further about that night. He's carrying on as if nothing happened! To be fair, he's been doing slightly more around the house and with DD than usual, I think some of what I said has sunk in.

I don't want years of being spoken to rudely, so we'll see how this plays out. I'm resolved to be much more assertive from now on...that alone makes me feel better.

Thanks everyone, you have no idea how much it's helped to get it all off my chest!

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Original poster

tiredofarguing · 26/01/2008 21:17

Just an update!

We have talked rationally and in an adult fashion about things... to cut a long story short he's seen the light and has been doing MUCH more to help around the home and with DD. I'm also more assertive and proactive in bringing things up sooner rather than letting things fester.

Add to that a supportive MIL - he won't admit it but I suspect she's given him a stern talking to when he went over there for a moan as he was quite contrite when he came home...

Things aren't perfect but they are a heck of a lot better than when I started this thread. Thanks again to all who posted

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