I need help to see if this is normal

[Tweetypie27]

Hi ladies been with partner 8 years always been hard work he has not me.
Have two boys from previous and one daughter together she’s 18months.
He gives me silent Treatment all the time when I don’t know what I’ve done wrong he will get out of bed like it and just ignore me look through me give me one word answers or act like I’m not there.
I try to be nice nothing works till he decides my punishment is over for whatever it is I’ve done.
I told him last night I didn’t want sex I was tired I saw his face he was in a mood so he basically said well I want it so the kids went to bed and I said again I wasn’t in the mood we have regular sex I’m talking every other night here but no he wanted it so I had to do it to keep the peace.
One of the boys got toothpaste on the sink the other day he was ranting and raving over this calls the boys down to find the culprit their teens he made a huge song and dance over this my nerves were shot because it makes me on edge. In the end I asked him to just shut up and stop going on about it the boys won’t admit it was them they might not remember doing it etc then he said that’s why their messy etc because I won’t tell them.
Last night he’s moaning thr toilet roll is going down to fast and one of the boys went the toilet last so it’s them and he used to much and can I sort it and speak to him. I didn’t want to do that even when I try to discuss with my sons to discuss any behavior with them he chimes in gets involved and starts shouting.
He hates me going on nights out went out for the first time in two years Xmas he made my life hell all the next day questioning me over and over.
He doesn’t hit me but causes atmosphere sometimes he’s ok for a few weeks but then it all starts up again from nowhere.
He has two kids from a previous he speaks to them so nice compared to my sons I’ve broached this and he denies it their both teens as well.
He does this face I can’t describe like he hates me and I know I’m in trouble but never a real reason for it if you know what I mean.
He hates my phone or me using it to much around him if he catches me on my phone when he comes in from work etc he gets the face and I know I’m in trouble.
I can’t explain what’s going on to anyone because it’s hard to even explain to you on here.
It’s all subtle stuff a look a few words etc like I say hard to describe it all but very suffocating.
He thinks he owns my body when we have sex he shoves his tongue right in my mouth so sorry to be vulgar here but I have to let this out I can’t tell anyone. He knows I think that I don’t like the tongue thing and holds my head so I can’t move my head sometimes to get out of the kiss does he think I enjoy that ?
I’ve told him once in the past I don’t like that kiss what he does he said sorry but then still does it everytime is that normal ?
I am glad I can get this out anyway.

Thanks for listening if you got this far.

If your best friend wrote this what would you say to her?

@VanCleefArpels' question is the only one you have to ask yourself . It isn't right and you know that yourself . Your also moulding a childhood full of memories and role models . It takes a lifetime to recover from a heartless adult .. I'm 50 and still doing that.

None of that is normal or healthy. It’s very very abusive. It is very important you leave him. I have no advice how to do that, so hopefully someone will be along in a minute with specific steps you can take to get away. Best of luck.

In answer to your thread title. No it's not normal. Far from it, but I think you already know that. No one can tell you what to do but if I were in your position I'd be looking at ending this relationship as soon as possible. Are you in a position financially to be able to do that?

This is most definitely not normal. It is reasonable for you to want something better for you and the children.

He is emotionally and sexually abuse. Many women end up in an abusive situation but it’s not the norm and it isn’t acceptable.

Not really I have nowhere to go or even how I would sort anything. I know it isn’t normal I did tell a friend a few weeks ago about some of it but she was like oh he’s in a grump etc men for you kind of played down but I only told her a bit of it. It’s hard to describe its embarrassing I want to speak to someone about the sex thing and the kissing but I can’t it’s to hard.
In public he is not like this he’s very nice and outgoing.

It's absolutely awful OP. You know this isn't right. You sound very scared of him. It's definitely abuse and he's controlling you as well. I feel so sorry for you but also your children growing up in this atmosphere. Even if they act normal it will be affecting them, believe me. Look in to the Freedom programme and contact Women's Aid if you need help getting away from him.

Before I’d even read your post I thought if you have to ask if something is normal then no, it isn’t. After reading your post I think it’s less than normal, he’s abusive and sexually coercive at the very least. You should never be having sex you don’t want and you should never have to put up with any kind of physical touching (the tongue kiss) you don’t want. I hope you’re in a position to consider leaving this horrible man.

This man is abusive to you and your children. You should NEVER have sex when you don't want it, and someone who loved you would never want you to. He is showing that he doesn't care about your feelings and wants. He only cares about his own. He thinks he's entitled to sex and your body is there for him to use. You have no right to an opinion or to being heard.

This is not a good man. He is an abuser. He isn't capable of having a healthy, mutually respectful, loving relationship (with you or DC).

Can you seek some help IRL? Please keep talking on here as much as you need to.

This man is bad for you and bad for your DC. You really need to start taking steps to get away.

Even if it was normal, do you think that that would mean you'd have to just accept it?

If so, where do your preferences come into the decision about how your relationship works?

If not, why does it matter if it's normal?

I’m amazed you have sex at all— he sounds a total turn off — an entitled piece of shit to be honest. He is not entitled to it- his wants don’t trump yours and he sounds like he takes you totally for granted.

It’s hard because sometimes he is ok for weeks when things are going his way I guess but then he will start up again at some point .
I bumped my car a few weeks ago I didn’t care about the car I cared about his reaction I was scared to go home. I lied and said someone hit me in Asda car park and drove off but really I hit a lamppost outside my moms in reverse. He made me swear on our daughters life I was telling the truth for two whole days I had to lie about what happened till he stopped mentioning it.
It’s not right to feel like that. Over Xmas he didn’t speak to me for four days for no reason. He said I’m cold and don’t show love to him but he makes it hard for me to love him I’m always nice to him to keep the peace.
I’ve tried telling people bits of it but it is so hard to describe it’s hard to explain what the situation is.

Call Womens Aid and they will talk you through how you can leave and eg what benefits you can claim etc

It is possible and achievable and there are plenty of people and organisations out there to help you

I wonder if by showing love- what he actually means is he wants you desperately slobbering over him all the time and 100% agreeing with him etc—

@Crikeyalmighty

I wonder if by showing love- what he actually means is he wants you desperately slobbering over him all the time and 100% agreeing with him etc—

I think that’s it probably.

It’s hard because sometimes he is ok for weeks when things are going his way I guess but then he will start up again at some point

It's how abusers operate. Classic. They have to be nice sometimes otherwise the people they abuse would leave. It's part of the deception and manipulation. Sorry

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

Yep along with being silent and subservient to him.

Abusers like this are often quite plausible to those in the outside world

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. Make no mistake this will be affecting your children as well and they will all pick up on this from him,this man who targeted you.

The other primary tactic they use is to get their victims to question themselves, which is exactly what you're doing. Instead of 'What he's doing is WRONG!' we end up with 'What he's doing is wrong, but perhaps it's my fault, because I did x/failed to do y..?'

If we stuck with the first one (ie removed the self doubt, and looked at what we actually know, without any 'perhapses'), we'd be off like a shot.

[quote TheFoundation]It’s hard because sometimes he is ok for weeks when things are going his way I guess but then he will start up again at some point

It's how abusers operate. Classic. They have to be nice sometimes otherwise the people they abuse would leave. It's part of the deception and manipulation. Sorry

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse[/quote]
Yes he isn’t like it everyday there is episodes.

@TheFoundation

The other primary tactic they use is to get their victims to question themselves, which is exactly what you're doing. Instead of 'What he's doing is WRONG!' we end up with 'What he's doing is wrong, but perhaps it's my fault, because I did x/failed to do y..?'

If we stuck with the first one (ie removed the self doubt, and looked at what we actually know, without any 'perhapses'), we'd be off like a shot.

Yes I agree with you I’m used to it but feel uneasy a lot of them time so then my instinct says it’s wrong without me even thinking it is wrong if that makes sense . It is very hard to describe the situation to an outsider as he’s a very charming nice person doting father great job it is hard to discuss it with people.

Yes, that's classic abuse too - to make it hard for outsiders to see. Especially by being nice in public, so that when you say 'He's horrible behind closed doors, sometimes', they won't believe you/believe how bad it is. Which is exactly what happened, when you spoke to someone, wasn't it?

The thing is, it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. You have to validate what you feel: if you're uneasy, you're uneasy, and that's that. You don't have to stay like that because someone else thinks you should. There are no shoulds. Just follow your feelings. They are trying to reach 'happy' and 'content' and 'fulfilled'. They will tell you which way to go. Uneasy is a way of telling you to back away, to watch out, to beware, because there's risk. Trust your feelings. They will lead you the right way for you, and only you can know that.

You know already, don't you? Your feelings are already telling you what to do, but you're doing what everyone does who stays in an abusive relationship, and struggling to listen to that message. It gets better when you start to listen; it's known as self respect.

@TheFoundation

Yes, that's classic abuse too - to make it hard for outsiders to see. Especially by being nice in public, so that when you say 'He's horrible behind closed doors, sometimes', they won't believe you/believe how bad it is. Which is exactly what happened, when you spoke to someone, wasn't it?

The thing is, it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. You have to validate what you feel: if you're uneasy, you're uneasy, and that's that. You don't have to stay like that because someone else thinks you should. There are no shoulds. Just follow your feelings. They are trying to reach 'happy' and 'content' and 'fulfilled'. They will tell you which way to go. Uneasy is a way of telling you to back away, to watch out, to beware, because there's risk. Trust your feelings. They will lead you the right way for you, and only you can know that.

You know already, don't you? Your feelings are already telling you what to do, but you're doing what everyone does who stays in an abusive relationship, and struggling to listen to that message. It gets better when you start to listen; it's known as self respect.

Yes your so right I’m ashamed of myself for it all. Some days I just don’t want the day to begin what little surprises will await me that day. I get so used to the situation but the toilet roll and the toothpaste and the sex thing was all in the space of two days it gets to much sometimes the mental pressure then I realise then it’s wrong life shouldn’t be this hard should it? He went for a night out the other week first time in so so long I’ve been in on my own and I liked it I could watch what I wanted ring my mates and be free for a bit.

You are in a highly abusive relationship, op.

Threads like this are upsetting to read. He's abusing you and you're questioning whether you have a right to not accept it. Quite apart from the sulking, the shouting and the endless questioning - the holding you down and shoving his tongue down your throat is appalling behaviour, its sexual assault.

Men like this don't like women, they don't see us as fully human. We're there to service and support them, and as long as we do that they're nice to us. Step out of line (see a friend, refuse sex etc) and there are consequences. You need to get away from this pig.