I need help to see if this is normal

[Tweetypie27]

Hi ladies been with partner 8 years always been hard work he has not me.
Have two boys from previous and one daughter together she’s 18months.
He gives me silent Treatment all the time when I don’t know what I’ve done wrong he will get out of bed like it and just ignore me look through me give me one word answers or act like I’m not there.
I try to be nice nothing works till he decides my punishment is over for whatever it is I’ve done.
I told him last night I didn’t want sex I was tired I saw his face he was in a mood so he basically said well I want it so the kids went to bed and I said again I wasn’t in the mood we have regular sex I’m talking every other night here but no he wanted it so I had to do it to keep the peace.
One of the boys got toothpaste on the sink the other day he was ranting and raving over this calls the boys down to find the culprit their teens he made a huge song and dance over this my nerves were shot because it makes me on edge. In the end I asked him to just shut up and stop going on about it the boys won’t admit it was them they might not remember doing it etc then he said that’s why their messy etc because I won’t tell them.
Last night he’s moaning thr toilet roll is going down to fast and one of the boys went the toilet last so it’s them and he used to much and can I sort it and speak to him. I didn’t want to do that even when I try to discuss with my sons to discuss any behavior with them he chimes in gets involved and starts shouting.
He hates me going on nights out went out for the first time in two years Xmas he made my life hell all the next day questioning me over and over.
He doesn’t hit me but causes atmosphere sometimes he’s ok for a few weeks but then it all starts up again from nowhere.
He has two kids from a previous he speaks to them so nice compared to my sons I’ve broached this and he denies it their both teens as well.
He does this face I can’t describe like he hates me and I know I’m in trouble but never a real reason for it if you know what I mean.
He hates my phone or me using it to much around him if he catches me on my phone when he comes in from work etc he gets the face and I know I’m in trouble.
I can’t explain what’s going on to anyone because it’s hard to even explain to you on here.
It’s all subtle stuff a look a few words etc like I say hard to describe it all but very suffocating.
He thinks he owns my body when we have sex he shoves his tongue right in my mouth so sorry to be vulgar here but I have to let this out I can’t tell anyone. He knows I think that I don’t like the tongue thing and holds my head so I can’t move my head sometimes to get out of the kiss does he think I enjoy that ?
I’ve told him once in the past I don’t like that kiss what he does he said sorry but then still does it everytime is that normal ?
I am glad I can get this out anyway.

Thanks for listening if you got this far.

Stop worrying if things are normal. Ask yourself if they make you happy.

Even if this was normal, why the fuck would you put up with it???

Could I ask you op

How did you meet, did he persue you?

He sounds quite a bully and aggresive, did you originally fall for his forthright manner?

Your situation reminds me of someone else I knew, the bullying increased until the children grew bigger and fought back, by which time their childhoods had already been ruined.

You need to leave.
It's time isn't it.

He knows this aswell, there is only so long someone can dole out shit and he knows he is not treating you all well.
His concience is making him nastier but he doesn't realise this.

Your children hate him.

Nobody deserves this. You need to get away x

Hi ladies
Sorry it is hard to for me to reply when he is at home.
We met online at first the house is rented when I moved here we didn’t live together so only my name was on the tenancy agreement.
My landlord just gave me notice though after seven years so I have to find somewhere to live soon but I’ve got a CCJ from four years ago so my only option is to rent with a guarantor he said he will buy the house we’re in but I’m very wary of doing this because what if he kicked me out.
I have this stress on my mind now because I have no idea what to do or who will vouch for me to get another house.
I’m signed off work at the moment as I keep having panic attacks really bad ones and I’m on beta blockers but I have to get back to work as I need to get another house.
He said we can move to his dads who has a big house till we get somewhere but I don’t want to do that.
He is nice to me sometimes he isn’t like this everyday like I said it comes and goes but I had a bad Xmas and I was so scared of another lockdown with him aswell literally couldn’t sleep thinking I might be trapped in another lockdown.
He is nice to me but he knows something is wrong last night he was asking me to hug him it’s draining he seems so needy on one hand but cold and brutal on the next.
I think something made me think about his behaviour which I found odd. His friend got cancer and he hasn’t seen him for a few years but when he got sick he kept going to visit him etc then when he died he acted so upset he gave him a coat so he kept wearing this coat and was meant to be a pallbearer at the funeral but then a few days before he said he didn’t want to go to the funeral I was in shock . I don’t understand how he acted heartbroken crying about his death then when he died he cancelled being a pall bearer and let the family down last minute then he never really mentioned him much again. His friend gave him something expensive before he died so he was googling how much this item was and was telling me it’s worth this much etc I just thought it was strange how he cared so much how much this thing was worth when his mate was dying then moped around had two days off work cried at random then never went to the funeral.
It made me question everything about him like the crying wasn’t genuine and maybe he was acting etc because how can one act so distraught one minute then never mention him much again. This was a few months ago.
I brought it up to a friend but she never really said much so I thought maybe it’s me that finds it odd like he can act so upset then switch it off it felt like an act then it made me think when he’s nice to me maybe that’s an act too.
I was shocked at it all it really made me sit and think about who he is as a person and maybe the nice times aren’t real and when he pretends to be upset that’s not real either and now I don’t know what’s real anymore.

I just called him to tell him something about a friend and somehow I now want an affair with my friends boyfriends mate. I don’t even know how it came about on to the conversation when it was nothing to do with anything life that my anxiety is so bad again now. I need to do something he’s going to start later I can tell

It made me question everything about him like the crying wasn’t genuine and maybe he was acting etc because how can one act so distraught one minute then never mention him much again.

It wasn't genuine. He doesn't care about anyone but himself, he's incapable of it. When men like that lose someone, in a sick way it's actually a good thing for them because they can seek lots of attention and everyone has to be super nice to them and do everything they can to cheer them up.

My heart goes out to you because I completely understand and remember that horrid anxious feeling.

He's a master manipulator and he knows exactly how to keep you confused and questioning things. I promise you you're not alone, we understand. This isn't your fault, and you have nothing to feel ashamed about. It's him who should feel deeply ashamed, but that he's also incapable of.

Have you managed to contact Women's Aid?

My youngest son is off as he was unwell last night he’s 9 and I can’t speak infront of him but even when I said my sons unwell he rolled his eyes no care there. Everything you say is right I will ring when I get my next free day hopefully on Monday. Thank you for listening to me it’s The Weeknd now usually my worst time sadly.

You say that you are the sole tenant named on the tenancy agreement.

Is your partner noted as a resident on your tenancy agreement? If not his status is no better than a lodger and you can evict him. You could call Shelter or CAB for advice on this

Please also know that the date on your notice from the landlord is not in fact the date you need to leave the property. The landlord will need to get an order for eviction from a court in order to force you to go so you do have a bit of breathing space in relation to this. Use this time to go to your council housing office to discuss your options.

Well my landlord he lives abroad he knows my partner is here but I’ve never changed the agreement to add him as I’m on a shorthold tenancy now. We never went through an agency he was a friend of the family and moved abroad so gave it to me as I had nowhere to live at the time and he’s never mentioned adding another name and I’ve never asked him.
So I guess that could be an option it’s just hard to take that leap I know he is not going to just accept it.

Hi Tweetypie27,

We're sorry you're going through this.

We've had a lot of reports from people who are concerned about you. We can see you're getting lots of good advice and support from other Mumsnetters but we just thought we'd add some links to organisations which can give you some support in real life.

Several posters have suggested you get in touch with Women's Aid, and we'd absolutely second that. They have a new online chat support service which operates 10:00am - 6:00pm every day. Their 24-hour helpline number is 0808 2000 247.

It's also worth checking out the Freedom Programme - we know it's helped many MNers over the years so please click on the link.

Here too is a link to a video that we produced in conjunction with Women's Aid and Surrey Police - it's called Walking on Eggshells and it explains coercive control. Please do take a look.

We really hope you're okay, OP.

He sounds toxic and abusive. What do your children think of him? If you don't want to have sex, you say no and he should respect that. He sounds like an immature child and if he was my partner i would leave.

Give yourself and your sons a much better future by getting well rid of him. Thus is an awful way to live, he is a terrible role model. I would definately ring WA and make plans to leave, but don' t tell him.
l live alone with my two sons, we have a lovely calm and peaceful home life, and you could too.

@JoMumsnet

Hi Tweetypie27,

We're sorry you're going through this.

We've had a lot of reports from people who are concerned about you. We can see you're getting lots of good advice and support from other Mumsnetters but we just thought we'd add some links to organisations which can give you some support in real life.

Several posters have suggested you get in touch with Women's Aid, and we'd absolutely second that. They have a new online chat support service which operates 10:00am - 6:00pm every day. Their 24-hour helpline number is 0808 2000 247.

It's also worth checking out the Freedom Programme - we know it's helped many MNers over the years so please click on the link.

Here too is a link to a video that we produced in conjunction with Women's Aid and Surrey Police - it's called Walking on Eggshells and it explains coercive control. Please do take a look.

We really hope you're okay, OP.

Thankyou for the link so sorry people are concerned about me I don’t want to worry anyone. Well it’s the weekend now and he’s back soon so won’t be able to come on here. Thanks all and my kids have an up and down relationship with him but my oldest son clashes with him he is wary what he says to him because my son answers him back now but he does still get involved when I’m trying to sort out any issues with my son like tidying up etc he loves to butt in then dominate the conversation. But I wouldn’t say they get on no.

Together you and your sons should help one another to get away from this man.

He clearly doesn't care for them and that is harmful to them.
Make a pact to support you all moving on safely.

If you live alone with them, then you will no longer feel as though you have to protect them.
Contact Women's Aid, set the ball rolling for change.

This man should never have been a step parent.