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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need help to see if this is normal

64 replies

Tweetypie27 · 13/01/2022 11:54

Hi ladies been with partner 8 years always been hard work he has not me.
Have two boys from previous and one daughter together she’s 18months.
He gives me silent Treatment all the time when I don’t know what I’ve done wrong he will get out of bed like it and just ignore me look through me give me one word answers or act like I’m not there.
I try to be nice nothing works till he decides my punishment is over for whatever it is I’ve done.
I told him last night I didn’t want sex I was tired I saw his face he was in a mood so he basically said well I want it so the kids went to bed and I said again I wasn’t in the mood we have regular sex I’m talking every other night here but no he wanted it so I had to do it to keep the peace.
One of the boys got toothpaste on the sink the other day he was ranting and raving over this calls the boys down to find the culprit their teens he made a huge song and dance over this my nerves were shot because it makes me on edge. In the end I asked him to just shut up and stop going on about it the boys won’t admit it was them they might not remember doing it etc then he said that’s why their messy etc because I won’t tell them.
Last night he’s moaning thr toilet roll is going down to fast and one of the boys went the toilet last so it’s them and he used to much and can I sort it and speak to him. I didn’t want to do that even when I try to discuss with my sons to discuss any behavior with them he chimes in gets involved and starts shouting.
He hates me going on nights out went out for the first time in two years Xmas he made my life hell all the next day questioning me over and over.
He doesn’t hit me but causes atmosphere sometimes he’s ok for a few weeks but then it all starts up again from nowhere.
He has two kids from a previous he speaks to them so nice compared to my sons I’ve broached this and he denies it their both teens as well.
He does this face I can’t describe like he hates me and I know I’m in trouble but never a real reason for it if you know what I mean.
He hates my phone or me using it to much around him if he catches me on my phone when he comes in from work etc he gets the face and I know I’m in trouble.
I can’t explain what’s going on to anyone because it’s hard to even explain to you on here.
It’s all subtle stuff a look a few words etc like I say hard to describe it all but very suffocating.
He thinks he owns my body when we have sex he shoves his tongue right in my mouth so sorry to be vulgar here but I have to let this out I can’t tell anyone. He knows I think that I don’t like the tongue thing and holds my head so I can’t move my head sometimes to get out of the kiss does he think I enjoy that ?
I’ve told him once in the past I don’t like that kiss what he does he said sorry but then still does it everytime is that normal ?
I am glad I can get this out anyway.

Thanks for listening if you got this far.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tweetypie27 · 13/01/2022 13:50

I don’t know if he thinks I like the kiss thing but I don’t I try to pull away etc he holds my head there it’s weird I don’t like it I dread it now. I don’t know what to do really.

OP posts:
TheFoundation · 13/01/2022 14:04

Why are you ashamed of yourself? Would you think as badly of someone else in your situation? Call them pathetic? Say they should feel ashamed?

2022HowDoYouDo · 13/01/2022 14:07

I don’t know if he thinks I like the kiss thing you've told him you don't like it, you try to pull away, he holds you down. He knows but he doesn't care. He's a disgusting, abusive pig.

PearlD · 13/01/2022 14:18

This is not what you want to hear, but you know in your gut that this is abuse. Would you want this for your daughter? Because this is what she is going to consider to be "normal". Some of it you can hide from the kids, but they wil pick up the looks and the silences, and it's damaging for all of you.
Life should NOT be this hard, it's a living hell constantly watching yourself and wondering what's the next unforgiveable act you'll commit without knowing, or unreasonable unspoken rule you'll have broken. It's confusing, he's charming and that's all part of the abusive pattern to keep you locked in. It's almost impossible to describe, because a lot of it is just so subtle, but it's a very powerful way to control someone.

You can contact Women's Aid for a chat about where you might start to get you and the kids free from this situation www.womensaid.org.uk/

The Freedom Program is really helpful if you can't see the wood for the trees www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Suzanne999 · 13/01/2022 14:27

You have nothing to be ashamed of. He is an abuser. He is abusing you mentally. He is sexually assaulting you. And I’m sorry to say that your children will learn this is how a man behaves.
Please contact Women’s Aid. You need some support and advise. You don’t deserve to live like this. Your children don’t deserve to live like this. You have to stop this as they can’t, and Women’s Aid, or even the police, is somewhere to start.

Sausagedogsarethebest · 13/01/2022 14:33

The intimidating you to have sex when you don't want to is coercive control OP, and the holding your head and forcing his tongue in your mouth when you don't want him to is assault. Have you actually told him you don't want him to do it, rather than just try and move your head? Be clear with him - Don't do that, I don't like it.

Please don't feel ashamed of yourself. It sounds like he's worn you down and you're frightened of him. He is an abuser, no doubt about it. If not for yourself then please do something for your children, as they are learning from his behaviour and it will have a detrimental affect on them. I too would suggest Women's Aid, as other pp have said. Good luck OP.

PinkSyCo · 13/01/2022 14:56

Ugh he’s bullying you into having sex with him when you’ve made it quite clear you don’t want it. That’s abhorrent and basically rape in my opinion. He is emotionally abusing you and your sons. He is a truly awful human being and you need to get your kids away from him if you don’t want them growing up thinking his behaviour is normal and your relationship a healthy one.

Original poster
Tweetypie27 · 13/01/2022 15:35

@Sausagedogsarethebest

The intimidating you to have sex when you don't want to is coercive control OP, and the holding your head and forcing his tongue in your mouth when you don't want him to is assault. Have you actually told him you don't want him to do it, rather than just try and move your head? Be clear with him - Don't do that, I don't like it.

Please don't feel ashamed of yourself. It sounds like he's worn you down and you're frightened of him. He is an abuser, no doubt about it. If not for yourself then please do something for your children, as they are learning from his behaviour and it will have a detrimental affect on them. I too would suggest Women's Aid, as other pp have said. Good luck OP.

I told him before I didn’t like it and not to do it but he started doing it again so I haven’t said anything I try to pull away but he grabs my head and then holds my head so I can’t move I don’t know if he thinks I like it i have no clue what he thinks or why he does it because if I’m pulling away he must know. I know what everyone is saying like I said he does not do this stuff daily it’s in clusters then stops for a while but the kissing and the sex he does most of the time but not all the other stuff. It’s just when he feels like he wants to start I guess he will I have to keep in contact while he’s at work snd even today I feel like something is brewing because I haven’t messaged him enough or give him enough attention today. It’s very draining when it is like this. I will speak to WA I’ve only just had a few days to myself as he’s been off over Xmas and only just went back. Thankyou for helping me I feel ashamed I’ve let this happen I suppose.
OP posts:
PearlD · 13/01/2022 15:39

Don't feel ashamed, he should be ashamed of himself but that's a very unlikely outcome. You've done nothing wrong, although this is all designed to make you feel like you're at fault. This kind of controlling abuse will condition your brain over time, and basically rewire your way of thinking until you can't work out which way is up, get some support.

Colourmeclear · 13/01/2022 17:15

OP your posts have brought me to tears because I know exactly what it's like. He might be 'bad' 50% of the time but you are on edge 100% of the time. Your body is feeling all these confusing emotions disgust at someone crossing your boundaries, fear at another blow up, relief when he's not there. Somewhere in you will be anger at all he puts you and the rest of your family through. It's that anger which will lead you to a better future, reaching out to women's aid is a great start. I also found rape crisis really helpful.

I left my partner years ago and the first night I slept in my own bed knowing that I was safe was priceless and something I will cherish for ever. I hope you find that moment too.

Original poster
Tweetypie27 · 13/01/2022 17:33

I am at the shop he is home now can feel the tension starting already.

OP posts:
LettertoHermoine · 13/01/2022 17:35

That is an awful way to live OP. My heart goes out to you.

Quartz2208 · 13/01/2022 17:39

First off your sons are seeing this at a time when they are so very vulnerable to figuring out how relationships work and he is frankly awful to them as well. If you are living like this imagine them

Secondly the sex stuff is assault

What is the living situation?

mrsrat · 13/01/2022 17:41

Are you English as you write on a very disjointed way ? I am only ask because side of may be your are from a different background Where this kind of behaviour against women is accepted ( which it is in several places I can think of ) . You must leave with your daughter NOW and go to a refuge

Original poster
Tweetypie27 · 13/01/2022 17:55

Yes I’m English sorry my writing is terrible today because I don’t get much time to use my phone because he goes mad when I use the phone so I rush type everything. I am not like this usually and I noticed after the post. I can’t use my phone when he’s here and this was my one free day to post as I’ve had pure hell for four weeks at home so I’m rushing it out so I can read what everyone is saying before he came home today.
He’s walking the dog but I have to go now guys thank you for replying to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tweetypie27 · 13/01/2022 17:57

@Quartz2208

First off your sons are seeing this at a time when they are so very vulnerable to figuring out how relationships work and he is frankly awful to them as well. If you are living like this imagine them

Secondly the sex stuff is assault

What is the living situation?

I know I think about this a lot. It’s my fault as well I realise that. Sorry if I come across weird on this post but I don’t get to use my phone much this was my only day to post plus he rings and Texts me in the day very stressful.
OP posts:
fuckoffImcounting · 13/01/2022 18:00

My heart goes out to you - it sounds as though you are living in torture Flowers

Notonthestairs · 13/01/2022 18:07

You are not coming across as odd, just upset and sad and alone.

He's an abusive bully and that's not on you, it's all on him.

Do you have any family or friends that you could talk to or even stay with?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 13/01/2022 18:08

You need to get rid of this vile man now.

MyQuietPlace · 13/01/2022 18:16

It's neither normal nor caring. What nice or kind things does he do or say?

If you were my daughter/friend/neighbour I'd want you to get rid of this person (I can't describe him as being a man, because he isn't a real man)

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 13/01/2022 18:17

Don't apologise for how you sound, OP, you sound fine just anxious, for obvious reasons. It's him that sounds like the weird one, which is because he is.

I hope you can get some help with this. The way he behaves to you and the kids is very wrong. Could you tell a different friend, not the one who said 'men eh'? Is the place where you live in his name or yours or both?

HaggisBurger · 13/01/2022 18:18

Op. It’s not your fault. He is abusive, controlling and sexually assaulting you. The fact that he doesn’t do it every day is neither here nor there. The fact is that you (and sadly your elder children) are walking on eggshells WAITING for the next outburst or whatever. That in itself is abusive.

You will see that the most consistent adduce you’ve been given is to call Women’s Aid. They are not just for women who are being beaten. What you describe is classic abuse and control and just as “bad”. With the added complication that people doubt themselves “is it bad enough”

Can you call Womens Aid tomorrow? If you get out now you can protect your daughter and help your sons too.

Jenhen89 · 13/01/2022 18:18

I am so sorry for you, this is truly heartbreaking to read. I’m sure you are a very lovely person and you don’t deserve this. You deserve to be happy. Please seek the help you need and strength to leave him. If you’re afraid to tell people about his behaviour face to face then why not send a friend a message detailing his behaviour like you have with us? Do you have any family?
Please take care of yourself x

Crikeyalmighty · 13/01/2022 18:20

I really feel for you OP, it’s horrible when you feel trapped in a situation and with someone who clearly thinks he is entitled to treat you how he wants,

CoffeeBeansGalore · 13/01/2022 18:28

Op you are the only one who can change this. Seek help, get out of the relationship. Easy to say, hard to do. You have to save yourself & your children. You CAN do this Flowers