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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm so sad. I know he's up to no good.

64 replies

TheOnlyOneThat · 12/01/2022 21:24

As above, basically.

We're not married but im 25 weeks pregnant with our first baby. We literally moved into our dream house (which we both jointly own) 3 days ago.

We've been together 6 years and around a year in, I caught him on a hook up website.

Anyway, since we stopped TTC (as we fell pregnant obviously) sex has dropped completely. I know he's masturbatinf constantly because of his disgusting stains. I asked him last month and he denied, denied, denied and then I said I knew he was lying. He admitted it and said it's porn.

It's not porn, for someone who has always had a low sex drive to suddenly start constantly wanking it's more than that. I know it's something else. My gut instinct is telling me it's something else and his phone never leaves his pocket.

We've just bought a house, we have a baby on the way and all my savings have gone into the house. I need proof but won't find it, he's very secretive and clever and everything is Face ID protected.

What the actual fuck do I do.

OP posts:

KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 21:25

Why do you need proof?

Original poster

TheOnlyOneThat · 12/01/2022 21:33

Because I'm pregnant, I love him and I don't want to leave a relationship where a lot is at stake. It's hard, really hard. I don't want this to turn into a thread of why I need proof... just what the fuck do I do?

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 12/01/2022 21:43

You dump a bloke you catch on hook up sites. But, as you didn't do that, you dump him now.

Morgan12 · 12/01/2022 21:45

Okay let's get some proof.

What kind of phone does he have?
Do you know his email address?
Does he have a tablet?

Original poster

TheOnlyOneThat · 12/01/2022 21:47

@Morgan12 an iPhone, one of the more recent ones. I did know his email address and password, however, I logged in a few weeks ago randomly and now the password has changed.

Another reason I know he's up to something.

When I say he is secretive, it will be next level - notifications turned off, apps hidden, Face ID for apps. I know his passcode but that's about it.

OP posts:

Woofwoofbarkbark · 12/01/2022 21:51

It's so easy to say leave him! But if you can't trust him and feel unhappy then what more can you do?

He either admits to what hes done.
You believe him when he says he's done nothing.
You leave
Couples counselling

Sorry, I'm not sure what else to suggest.

You could ask him endlessly until he either spills the truth or dislikes you enough to leave by his own accord.

All options sound frustrating and hard work.

Sorry 😞

Original poster

TheOnlyOneThat · 12/01/2022 21:51

The no sex for the past 5 months is really eroding my confidence. If I was carefree I'd probably pluck the courage to end it. However a few months ago I had money saved, I wasn't pregnant and I wasn't going to be taking maternity leave!

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What a cunt.

OP posts:

greasyshoes · 12/01/2022 21:57

I'm not sure what the stains are supposed to suggest, apart from the fact that he's constantly wanking, which you know already. Is that a problem?

RoyKentsChestHair · 12/01/2022 21:58

Why are you so convinced it isn’t Porn? Where are his “disgusting stains” on the bed?

KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 21:58

Do you have a joint account? Any 'interesting' transactions there?

Woofwoofbarkbark · 12/01/2022 21:59

@greasyshoes

I'm not sure what the stains are supposed to suggest, apart from the fact that he's constantly wanking, which you know already. Is that a problem?

She does say..."It's not porn, for someone who has always had a low sex drive to suddenly start constantly wanking it's more than that. I know it's something else. My gut instinct is telling me it's something else and his phone never leaves his pocket."

Either he's always had a low sex drive but wanted a lot. Or he's always had a low sex drive hasn't wanked a lot and now is because he's using hook up sites etc?

Woofwoofbarkbark · 12/01/2022 22:00

Sorry.... auto correct. Always had a low sex drive and wanked a lot or always had a low sex drive and also didn't wank a lot but now is because of hook up sites etc.

MMmomDD · 12/01/2022 22:02

OP - with respect, I think you are all over, with emotions and hormones. And I think you need to think about your baby and prepare for that. It’s only a few weeks left.

As to your bf - it’s hard to tell what is going on. Some men do go off sex with their pregnant partners. Rightly or wrongly - it’s how they feel.
And masturbation is their only release. (Btw - on its own there is nothing disgusting about masturbation. So that part I found a bit unreasonable).

Using porn for masturbation - it’s a personal choice if you object to it. Your ‘feeling’ that there is more - can be something or nothing - it’s hard to say with any certainly.

In general, when you are this high on hormones - and so close to birth - I’d say it’s not the time to be making huge life changing decisions, unless there is abuse, etc. You need him around for birth and the difficult early days with baby.

So - I do think you need to stop obsessing about his wanking and start thinking about your life with baby. With or without your bf.

So - to answer your question - there isn’t anything you can do now, unless you want to throw a bomb into your life and start selling your dream house just before you give birth.
Once the baby is here - focus on healing and caring for the baby.
And once you are past the difficult days/weeks of no sleep and exhaustion -
see how your relationship is then.

If you don’t see it improving, and you are still feeling deeply unhappy - then go it alone.
But I wouldn’t do it now that you are in a vulnerable place.

greasyshoes · 12/01/2022 22:03

Either he's always had a low sex drive but wanted a lot. Or he's always had a low sex drive hasn't wanked a lot and now is because he's using hook up sites etc?

This makes no sense. When sex drive is low, he's not going to be wanking a lot. And if his sex drive is low, then using, or looking at, hookup sites isn't going to increase his sex drive.

Woofwoofbarkbark · 12/01/2022 22:06

@greasyshoes

Either he's always had a low sex drive but wanted a lot. Or he's always had a low sex drive hasn't wanked a lot and now is because he's using hook up sites etc?

This makes no sense. When sex drive is low, he's not going to be wanking a lot. And if his sex drive is low, then using, or looking at, hookup sites isn't going to increase his sex drive.

I was just thinking that sex drives can increase at the beginning of a new relationship. And if he's excited about new women on the Internet then maybe it's increased?

greasyshoes · 12/01/2022 22:09

I was just thinking that sex drives can increase at the beginning of a new relationship. And if he's excited about new women on the Internet then maybe it's increased?

This is possible, but he could equally get excited by looking at porn, which is what he said he was doing.

The wanking in itself is unconvincing. I would be far more worried about him being secretive with his phone, and the fact he has been on dating websites before.

Woofwoofbarkbark · 12/01/2022 22:10

@greasyshoes

I was just thinking that sex drives can increase at the beginning of a new relationship. And if he's excited about new women on the Internet then maybe it's increased?

This is possible, but he could equally get excited by looking at porn, which is what he said he was doing.

The wanking in itself is unconvincing. I would be far more worried about him being secretive with his phone, and the fact he has been on dating websites before.

Oh, I completely agree!

What a wanker!

Original poster

TheOnlyOneThat · 12/01/2022 22:15

We do have a joint account but it's literally for joint bills. We transfer 50/50 for household bills, shopping and then the rest is for personal spends in our account.

@MMmomDD I definitely don't feel that I can make these decisions, and I don't want to, I love him. but equally I deserve better. I don't want to give birth without him, we've just moved into our new home and we're getting her nursery ready together. I feel so alone.

Masturbation isn't disgusting but leaving me to pick up, sort through and wash his cum-filled black boxer shorts, then yes, it's vile.

He's put £60k of his own money into our house for the deposit (he didn't want to ring fence it), we're engaged, we've just renovated the house perfectly and we have a baby on the way. Why would he do it again?!

OP posts:

Crikeyalmighty · 12/01/2022 22:17

He may well have had a low sex drive with you OP because he’s always had a porn habit— you just didn’t pick up on the signs of the habit before or notice them. And he may well be secretive with his phone because he’s worried if he accidentally leaves traces of his habit— it’s a possibility. It’s not necessarily what you think it might be

Crikeyalmighty · 12/01/2022 22:19

Mind you having a H with that habit myself, I know how upsetting it can be if you have an issue with very frequent porn (I do)

Fittleswade · 12/01/2022 22:21

'Disgusting' stains...

Original poster

TheOnlyOneThat · 12/01/2022 22:22

I don't have a problem with watching porn or masturbating. I do have a problem with it when it effects our sex life. It's unfair and it's eating away at my confidence.

OP posts:

UserBot989 · 12/01/2022 22:23

Maybe you can't get all the answers you need right now, maybe you can't reach a conclusion right now.

So internally, without bringing him in to your internal dialogue at all, start talking to yourself in a really compassionate practical way. Tell yourself you are brave enough to end this relationship if that's what you need to do, it'll be hard but you're strong and you can do it. Remind yourself you have a baby coming and that's amazing and you can be a great mother without a partner. In many ways it might be easier. you can get through this even if it's hard.

So just mentally prop yourself up so that you can detach from needing him to be faithful/involved.

With or without this wanker, you have half a house, you have a baby on the way, you'll be ok.

bongobingo43 · 12/01/2022 22:24

*She does say..."It's not porn, for someone who has always had a low sex drive to suddenly start constantly wanking it's more than that. I know it's something else. My gut instinct is telling me it's something else and his phone never leaves his pocket."

Either he's always had a low sex drive but wanted a lot. Or he's always had a low sex drive hasn't wanked a lot and now is because he's using hook up sites etc?*

But she also says sex has stopped in the last 5 months, which is roughly the time she fell pregnant. Giving him the benefit of the doubt (which personally I wouldn't be doing given his track record!), is he maybe wanking more due to the reduction in actual sex?
Being secretive with his phone/email to hide the porn habit?

Not great but better than potentially cheating

Yummypumpkin · 12/01/2022 22:27

I think @MMmomDD gives very good advice.

The point is he was on hook up sites. That tells you such a lot about him. If he is mistreating into his clothes than that is revolting, too.

So you've known for quite some time who he is, but you've ignored it.

So you are probably best not addressing it right now.

If it's proof you're after he will slip up or another woman will contact you at some point. In the meantime invest in your relationships with family and friends, our physical wellbeing and don't have unprotected sex.

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