I'm so sad. I know he's up to no good.

[TheOnlyOneThat]

As above, basically.

We're not married but im 25 weeks pregnant with our first baby. We literally moved into our dream house (which we both jointly own) 3 days ago.

We've been together 6 years and around a year in, I caught him on a hook up website.

Anyway, since we stopped TTC (as we fell pregnant obviously) sex has dropped completely. I know he's masturbatinf constantly because of his disgusting stains. I asked him last month and he denied, denied, denied and then I said I knew he was lying. He admitted it and said it's porn.

It's not porn, for someone who has always had a low sex drive to suddenly start constantly wanking it's more than that. I know it's something else. My gut instinct is telling me it's something else and his phone never leaves his pocket.

We've just bought a house, we have a baby on the way and all my savings have gone into the house. I need proof but won't find it, he's very secretive and clever and everything is Face ID protected.

What the actual fuck do I do.

@TheOnlyOneThat

I don't have a problem with watching porn or masturbating. I do have a problem with it when it effects our sex life. It's unfair and it's eating away at my confidence.

Completely agree porn is an issue if it's impacting your sex life. However, you said he's always had a low sex drive?

I was presuming from your post you thought he was back in hook up websites or cheating.

What is it you actually suspect?

Talk to him, explaining what you know, what you suspect and how you feel. Acknowledge that things have been stressful (if they have; if they haven't, find some other bone to throw to him). Explain that a lack of honesty erodes trust and your relationship cannot survive without trust. Then ask him to explain how HE is feeling about your relationship. Discuss your and his feelings.

If you don’t trust him, leave

I am sorry OP.

But I am going to be completely blunt. He is not a keeper.

It is awful that it's gone this far and you are pregnant but it doesn't change the fact that he is not - unless you decide to have an utterly shitty life with a cheat - going to be the man beside you as you go through life.

You're in it now so just do these things:

• make sure you keep your finances as seperate as possible. It's good that at least a fair bit of his money is in the house too and he hasn't ring fenced it! - when - WHEN - you split, you'll get something out of it all too.

-save your money, you will need it at some point in the probably not distant future.

• strengthen your relationships and support outside him. you may need them soon. Don't be reliant on him for anything, especially with the baby coming.
• don't give your baby his surname. You aren't married, the baby by tradition has your name anyway, DO NOT give the baby his name. It's practically 100% chance that in a year or so, he won't be living with you. You will go on to have other relationships, maybe marry - give your baby your name.
• same goes for birth cert. He can't be on it unless he goes to register the baby too. If you're not sure or things are blown up by then, register the baby alone. He can be added later depending on how things go and it doesn't affect you claiming maintenance, but it does stop him having a say on a lot of big things which will affect you.

All very depressing. But if you think proactively it will be better. He's not worth keeping, really.

You had your proof five years ago 🤷‍♀️

At some point you're going to have to choose between this man and your self respect.

@Closetbeanmuncher

You had your proof five years ago 🤷‍♀️

At some point you're going to have to choose between this man and your self respect.

Sorry, op, but this is the gist of it. You've known who this man is for years, you chose to ignore it, and now reality has finally set in. He's a scumbag, and nothing will change that.

All you can do now is to put him out of your mind, do whatever it takes to live amicably for now, have your baby, and after you've found your feet make a plan to get rid of him.

I’m not sure there’s anything that suggests cheating particularly. Just sounds like he’s a porn hound with an extreme masturbation habit. Obviously that’s a whole set of problems on its own for many women, but you say you don’t have an issue with porn.
It’s unfortunately not uncommon for men to lose interest in sex with their pregnant partners (although it doesn’t say great things about their attitudes to women) and if he’s turned to porn use in lieu of sex with you then it’s plausible he could very quickly have become addicted and be masturbating to porn excessively. It’s also very plausible that he would be secretive about this. Or perhaps he is hiding from you the type of porn he watches.
RE the stained boxers, why on earth are you sorting and washing them? He’s a disrespectful twat to leave you to wash them and you’re a mug for doing it. I’d leave all the stained underwear on his pillow.

OP, let’s back up to 5 years ago when he was cheating by pursuing women on hook-up sites. After that infidelity, what sort of recovery structure was set up so that he could restore your trust? Did you require full transparency with access to all of his devices?

He is clearly unremorseful and couldn’t care less about your feelings. His past infidelity plus his current secretive behavior would be all the proof I needed that he isn’t a ‘safe’ partner and won’t ever be. I would proceed accordingly by separating and co-parenting when the time is right.

I just sort through the washing, I noticed a couple of the stains like 4 times a week. I asked him and he kept denying, denying and denying. I then said "I know you are!!!" And he made up some bullshit about wanting to increase his sex drive at the minute so thought wanking would help. It was for one week only apparently (course it was!)

Utter bullshit.

I think I'm going to flip my flid.

I don't know if it is porn, he says it's "just porn, for that one week"

It's not just porn, it's something else and he thinks I'm naive enough to fall for the lies but he also knows I'd never find out because he's so clued up with technology I'd never be able to find out.

@MsDogLady Full access to passwords, he left his phone around and wasn't secretive anymore. He made more of an effort with our sex life.

Obviously all of it has gone to pot.

@TheOnlyOneThat

I know you are pregnant and your up/down emotions make sense to you.

But you came here for advice. So I hope you will at least stop for a bit and consider the possibility that this is your hormones playing up and making you imagine things that aren’t necessarily there.

In addition - why are you so focused on your desirability as a woman when you are growing a baby and have only a few weeks to go? Him not wanting to have sex with you once you got pregnant is his issue related to the foetus in your uterus. It often happens to men. It has nothing to do with your sex appeal. And in some way I understand why men may feel that way. It certainly makes sense from evolutionary point of view.

In addition, why would you make your self confidence depend on your bf wanting to have sex with you?

He hasn’t done anything. Low libido - doesn’t mean he doesn’t masturbate. Low libido can also mean low confidence for actual sex with a partner. But masturbation with porn is easy, and a different ballgame. And he seems to have developed a habit lately. Not sure why you need to somehow imagine that there is more to the story.

@TheOnlyOneThat

We do have a joint account but it's literally for joint bills. We transfer 50/50 for household bills, shopping and then the rest is for personal spends in our account.

@MMmomDD I definitely don't feel that I can make these decisions, and I don't want to, I love him. but equally I deserve better. I don't want to give birth without him, we've just moved into our new home and we're getting her nursery ready together. I feel so alone.

Masturbation isn't disgusting but leaving me to pick up, sort through and wash his cum-filled black boxer shorts, then yes, it's vile.

He's put £60k of his own money into our house for the deposit (he didn't want to ring fence it), we're engaged, we've just renovated the house perfectly and we have a baby on the way. Why would he do it again?!

Just lob them in the bin. Preferably followed by their owner.

Seriously, why are you washing these disgusting garments?

I'm not so focused on my desirability as a woman, more that I have a sex drive too and would like to feel close to my partner. You only have to check the many no-sex threads to see that a common side effect of being rejected sexually, is low confidence, especially when it's porn.

I truly hope there is nothing more to the story however someone who has done this before, is probably not completely innocent. Again, I hope with all my heart he is and it is just hormones. It's my first baby, I don't know what to expect

@TheOnlyOneThat

If you weren’t pregnant - this would be a no sex/porn thread.
But - try to hear us. And maybe Google threads on men going off sex with their pregnant partners.

Your posts keep changing/bringing up different points.
You feel low confidence from no sex; or you feel frustrated because of no sex. You mind porn; you don’t mind it.

I am guessing it’s because you are upset and possibly scared of the changes the baby would bring.

You clearly are both not dealing well with this pregnancy. And you aren’t opening up to school other about your anxieties and fears. And you seem to be dealing with it separately in very different ways.

Thing is - pregnancy is just the beginning. And the next year will be difficult and it’ll test the relationship a lot more. You two need to figure out some better way - start talking and become more of a team? Try to support each other?

Have you considered couples counselling?
I think you need to; as I think without it you’ll be back on MN in a years time with a sad story of marriage falling apart after the birth of first baby.

If he was on a hook up site then he had intention to cheat on you. That should be relationship ending. He planned it out. He is scum.

When you found it, did he is you read all the messages he had sent through it? If not, then clearly he has no interest in being honest with you.

This relationship is over. You don't need proof of actual cheating. Planning to cheat and not giving you to access to his phone and emails to prove nothing further happened when he was caught...its done op. Stop telling yourself you need more reasons to leave a man who doesn't love anyone apart from himself.

*did he let you read

Apologies if this is inappropriate but I read a story online recently where someone got into their partner's phone using Face ID when they were asleep and held their eyes open 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I'm sorry but I thought that was the funniest thing I've read so far this year. I don't get how they didn't wake up when their eyelids were lifted 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Anyway OP, he sounds like a proverbial piece of shit and the fact that he's not taking into consideration that you are carrying his first child, your hormones, taking into consideration that you're constantly feeling overwhelmed, not to mention insecure, is enough to throw the towel in if you ask me.

Perhaps he's feeling overwhelmed too. Sure. But if he's behaving like this now, I can only imagine what he's going to be like once your little one arrives.

A pp said to wait until after you've given birth, stitches have healed and you're back on your feet before taking any action. I completely agree. Don't do this to yourself right now because everything you're feeling, your little one is feeling too 😔

I have Face ID on my banking AP however if it doesn’t work because I’m wearing a mask or something it asks me to try again before giving me the option to put in my phone password. Maybe you could try this?

You’re focussing too much on the masturbation and possible porn. That’s not the issue here, so park it to one side. Most people masturbate and there’s nothing disgusting about it, so going on about masturbation in itself makes you unreasonable.

Instead, focus on the secrecy. He is clearly hiding something. What? That’s what you need to get to the bottom of. Is he masturbating to other women? Is he in dating sites? It’s obviously hard to know but you need to focus on that.

Could you check his phone when he’s sleeping? Don’t know if it works with Face ID but a friend of mine did open her ex’s phone with his thumb when he was sleeping.

A PP also gave a good option - Face ID doesn’t work when wearing a mask, so maybe keep an eye out for his pin when you’re out and about.

I get a bad feeling from your posts OP - trust your instincts about him. And putting underpants like that in the laundry for you to see - OMG it's disgusting.

I don't think it's your hormones - I think you hear a big clanging warning bell. Take care of yourself. Personally, I would have been gone after he used a hook-up site though.

Reiterating the above point that if Face ID fails 2-3 times it prompts for passcode which you know. Not sure what you're looking for though.

Has he said why he doesn't want to have sex with you anymore?

So, after his previous infidelity, he stopped being secretive, provided access to his phone and passwords, and was more invested in your relationship. Recently, however, he has reverted back to being secretive and less interested in your physical relationship. He no longer leaves his phone lying around and he has changed his password.

He is at it again. He is showing the same dodgy behavior now that he displayed 5 years ago when he was cheating. That is significant. When the time is right, I would confront his breach of his promise of transparency. I would not sentence myself to a life of anxiety and uncertainty with such an untrustworthy man.

@MsDogLady

So, after his previous infidelity, he stopped being secretive, provided access to his phone and passwords, and was more invested in your relationship. Recently, however, he has reverted back to being secretive and less interested in your physical relationship. He no longer leaves his phone lying around and he has changed his password.

He is at it again. He is showing the same dodgy behavior now that he displayed 5 years ago when he was cheating. That is significant. When the time is right, I would confront his breach of his promise of transparency. I would not sentence myself to a life of anxiety and uncertainty with such an untrustworthy man.

Say this to him. He'll either prove he's not cheating or get angry.

I outright asked him this morning as he knew something was wrong.

I said in future, wash your own boxers if you're going to leave those stains and your extra curricular activities are spoiling our relationship. It will become a huge problem and will push me away.

He just denied and denied and denied he'd had a wank. Fuck off. I don't care you had a wank, I care that you fucking lie and are obviously getting a kick from somewhere.

What do YOU want, OP?

Not what you want him to do or be.... what do you want for you?

You will have the baby.... what surname does the baby take? Do you go back to work sooner than you thought as you need to keep your finances strong? What sort of life do you want to build for you and baby?

Try to think what you want. You're so bogged down with cum filled knickers, porn and a possible repeat of DPs last swxual escapade that you are losing track

When you give birth the most important person in your life will be with you.

Such excitement and joy. Try to concentrate on you. And what you can do to help you feel happy.