I can't ignore this and need advice

[Richtea2]

Hi,
I just need some advice about my male friend.

I met him on dating site and to be honest in those days a lot was going on in my life. I really wasn't interested in him like that. I gave him the brush off because I was into someone else. But I had gone back to the site and message him but he said he was getting married. Then I actually bumped into him and met him for the first at a bus stop. I did mention about getting married and it was clear something wasn't right there.
I did invite him to my flat because he told me they separated but I got the truth out of him and they were still together. Nothing happened we danced, maybe kissed before I got the truth out of him. Yes it wasn't good then he left because someone called.
After this I didn't see him for awhile and think I kind of cut him off for a while. I just couldn't get involved with him.
So then he messaged me and we got talking again. Then I was visiting family and going carnival and he message he was there. We met up but went to go round with him then thought I can't and said I wasn't feeling well and told him go and enjoy carnival with his friends. Then we never spoke for awhile or maybe he would message honestly can't remember. Until the next carnival again he message to me and this time I started seeing someone so told him I couldn't.
From this point onwards he did message me a lot and had added him on a social site. We spoke on there a lot and during lockdown we did grow closer and he said we are friends. I thought he not a bad guy really.
By this point I was in a relationship and he was opening up and talking about his wife, child.
He use to message like nearly every day we talk and I stupidly told him where I worked. Then I started worrying when he would come to my work. He brought his child the first time and then he came alone. We would speak on this site and he would say things would would make me feel he still wanted. Like he saw me with my husband and said he wanted to say hi but he couldn't because I was with him like we were having an affair. I was like you could of said hi my husband not the jealous type etc.
From this point I couldn't tell him when I worked. He would message and respond to photos and say a lot of stuff. I didn't like some stuff he would say. But to be honest I actually got closer to him myself didn't realize he probably the only guy who just been there and I have ignored him and he not a bad guy but we are friends.
For awhile he really backed off and he would message still a bit. Once time he said he went to check me at my work and I wasn't there so I just put Lol.
I tried pushing my feelings and say we are only friends nothing more. Maybe we are just friends but I do miss talking to him.
I don't fancy him but he has grown on me. I would never want an affair or anything like like that. I wonder if he is waiting for my husband and I to split or I just don't know. I have wondered if the reason why I feel close to him is because he was in my life when I was going through a lot.
I wonder if cutting him off is best because he is apart of my past.
He said to me we are friends he gave us that title. He use to drive me crazy so he was just some guy.
He has been there for me through some difficult times although we don't meet up.
I feel drawn to him a bit more.
He remembers so much about me more than I remember about him.
Is this a friendship or what?
I really don't want to mess this friendship up. It's just I never had any man like this in my life. It's like he always watching and always there to listen.
Any advice

Block him and move on.

He's not your friend, he's playing you.

I'm sorry, love, but you're in dangerous waters here.

Block him. Don't do anything to encourage him. He sounds weird.

From my side think my mind just playing tricks on me. I don't fancy him just it's we have connected through conversation. He is same Star sign as me. We don't meet up secretly nothing like that now.
Although when he brought his little one to my work. Then I did meet up with him but his child was playing up.
I made a decision that friends it would only be. In 2015 I was going through a lot and he was there but I like know I did the right thing not sleeping with him. He just upset me because he lied and that one time I think about. Then him showing up at carnival messaging because he knew I be there.
I might just be torturing myself but I just feel I need to talk to him. If we are friends don't want to feel confused. Well I have so much I want to ask him. I feel like I got unanswered questions.
We talk but it's like both of us just not having that talk. I can be in 2022 like this.
Not to say there's anything going on between us or anything.
You say block him but think it's like he would be the final person from that time in my life. We are just friends we never slept together.
I just think once I have this chat with him maybe I will feel better. Don't want any type of an affair.
It's just I feel bad he the only guy who just will never leave me.
I don't know if this is a healthy attachment or unhealthy attachment.
He very different from guys I actually did cross the line with. Couldn't be friends with them now. They are soul ties he most definitely not really.
I do think I am just making this more than what it is.
I can't go through another us not having a real talk. Then if I feel what he says unhealthy maybe break all ties. Sorry rambling on can do the chit chat on social media. Thinking all sorts because of stuff he says and feel weird. Maybe he backed off and I am developing feeling I don't know.
Has anyone had a guy friend or person they never really fancied? But they were always there in background. Then one day you see them differently. Like maybe you got them wrong.

Temptation s going to ruin lots of lives here. He is not your friend. He is enjoying chasing you and enticing you. But once you show you're willing to cheat on your husband, even emotionally as you already are imo. He will do a number on you. You need to snap out of this little fantasy world and focus on your loyal husband. The fact that you thought he could come say hi and your husband wouldn't be jealous is you playing with fire and lack of respect for your partner and marriage.

If your husband was doing this with another woman I highly doubt you would be OK with it.

The fact that you're having to ask strangers on the Internet about this, is the nudge you need to grow up and behave as a married woman and not some silly teenager. He is twat for going behind his wife's back and disrupting his child's life and you're infatuated by this disloyal wretched man

If I understand correctly, you're both married. I'd block and and forget him because you're playing with fire and he sounds extremely flaky to say the least

What would be your reaction if this was your husband rather than you?

@Zanina

Temptation s going to ruin lots of lives here. He is not your friend. He is enjoying chasing you and enticing you. But once you show you're willing to cheat on your husband, even emotionally as you already are imo. He will do a number on you. You need to snap out of this little fantasy world and focus on your loyal husband. The fact that you thought he could come say hi and your husband wouldn't be jealous is you playing with fire and lack of respect for your partner and marriage.

If your husband was doing this with another woman I highly doubt you would be OK with it.

The fact that you're having to ask strangers on the Internet about this, is the nudge you need to grow up and behave as a married woman and not some silly teenager. He is twat for going behind his wife's back and disrupting his child's life and you're infatuated by this disloyal wretched man

Hi, My husband has female friends and this probably why I decided to keep my guy friend. My husband knows I have a guy friend and he can't say nothing.

This why I distant from this guy a bit because thinks he wanted to draw me in. Sometimes I am okay if we don't talk but sometimes I miss my guy friend think it's all to do with my past to be honest and feel because he was apart of that time I need to talk to him. I don't want to confuse things but for me letting go of him would be letting go of the past.
I am okay and happy not seeing him and sometimes no messages from him. But he watch my story on story makes comments that's all.
I do know what I have to do here instead of another year driving myself crazy.
Thanks for advice.

@Justcallmebebes

If I understand correctly, you're both married. I'd block and and forget him because you're playing with fire and he sounds extremely flaky to say the least

We both are married and we both have 1 child with our OH. I don't want to block him because maybe it feels final goodbye to my past. I know if he continues to say certain stuff I will block him. It's just I know he still chasing me. I do love my husband but there stuff with my husband that is making me draw to this guy friend. Which is a whole other thing. I think I am just overthinking stuff for no reason. I will just back off and sort my head out and my marriage. My mind playing tricks on me. Thanks for advice.

@SuspiciousHumanoid

What would be your reaction if this was your husband rather than you?

My husband is why I am here thinking of this guy friend. I am probably overthinking too much. Need to just breathe.

All your posts scream out that you are emotionally attached to this man, and the fact that he’s chasing you makes you at huge risk of developing stronger feelings. If you value your marriage you need to cut contact completely. No good can come of this so-called friendship. Also, what kind of a man chases another woman when he already has a wife and a child? You’d be ridiculous to carry on with this even if you were completely single, because this is not a decent man.

@SuspiciousHumanoid

All your posts scream out that you are emotionally attached to this man, and the fact that he’s chasing you makes you at huge risk of developing stronger feelings. If you value your marriage you need to cut contact completely. No good can come of this so-called friendship. Also, what kind of a man chases another woman when he already has a wife and a child? You’d be ridiculous to carry on with this even if you were completely single, because this is not a decent man.

I think that's why I really backed of found myself relying on him too much. Maybe I am just overthinking this but if he don't contact me I won't. I do care about him and appreciate him checking up on me. No many guys ever did that. Like for example another during my difficult time of my life. I met we did sleep together we just hung out from time to time. This was different he never really chased me just used me. But I began to feel something and believe stupidly I fell for this guy. Then I revealed this to him. It ruined everything probably best we don't talk now. But this guy friend I have just freaked out because of that experience. Because wasn't sure of his motives for me. I do feel we are only friends just got to stop being stupid. The fact I met his child told me no nothing will ever happen. Even if my mind playing tricks on me. I am married and he is too. Like I said he gave us that title we are friends. I would not even have called it that. I suppose I will just focus on my marriage. I think he is now more than when I first met him. I see he has changed. I went through a stage where I felt regret for not giving him a chance and next thing he was married. I just think we never was meant to be lovers but friends. I will never reveal to him if I have got feelings because feelings are misleading. If this year he makes a bold move said how he felt. Then it will be an issue. I just think I will stop driving myself crazy because it was problems with my husband and realize I feel nothing for him . I miss our talks but he busy respect he got a family. Thanks for advice.

There is a reason you’re overthinking this too much, and that is the reason you need to cut contact.

He is same Star sign as me.

Oh, that explains everything then.
You know there are around 666 million humans with the same Star sign as you, no?
Why not pick one of them to be friends with, & block this player?

I suppose I will just focus on my marriage.

Good idea.
Stop all the overthinking about this ridiculous man.

Stop ... everything about this ridiculous charade of a 'friendship.'
You are not a 14 year old schoolgirl with a crush.
You are a married woman, obsessing over a married man.

Stop it before you make yourself seriously unhappy.

First thing you have to do is sort out your marriage. It sounds like that is the real problem. Don't use friend as a distraction. You need to figure out if your marriage is worth saving. Is your DH messing around?

@pickingdaisies

First thing you have to do is sort out your marriage. It sounds like that is the real problem. Don't use friend as a distraction. You need to figure out if your marriage is worth saving. Is your DH messing around?

I will just focus more on my marriage.

That's it maybe I am using him a distraction not really interested in like that. Maybe thought he get me but glad he has backed off.

@ChargingBuck

I suppose I will just focus on my marriage.

Good idea.
Stop all the overthinking about this ridiculous man.

Stop ... everything about this ridiculous charade of a 'friendship.'
You are not a 14 year old schoolgirl with a crush.
You are a married woman, obsessing over a married man.

Stop it before you make yourself seriously unhappy.

We both married nothing is going to happen. I would never allow it.

I think what he was trying to do almost worked. But it hasn't and it was a concern him showing up at my work but think now we both backed off.

I will concentrate on my husband who I do love. Not this guy but wanted to see opinions if this guy was still after me or am I imagining it.
I know we just friends from a distance. Nothing more

No advice but I have a long term male friend who I know liked me/likes me and I don't fancy him but we have been good friends for over 13 years now. I met him when I was married and when I was getting divorced a few years ago he told me how he felt (he was a bit drunk), he said 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you but know it will never happen". He's been in relationships since and I have remarried and had another child. He is still a close friend and we never crossed that line as it would ruin the friendship. However it is believed by psychologists that true friendship between opposite sexes cannot exist and one party always fancies another and there is a degree of attraction. Some would disagree but in many cases it's true. Dating him will affect your friendship. Also you need to consult your moral compass and decide if you really want to have an affair while married.
Hope this helps.

However it is believed by psychologists

to the passive voice & admirably sweeping statement.

I think what he was trying to do almost worked. But it hasn't and it was a concern him showing up at my work but think now we both backed off.
Stop obsessing over what this bloke may or may not do.
You are writing about him as if you have no personal agency.
He turns up at your work - so what? - you ask him WTF he is doing at your workplace, tell him you are busy, & send him on his way.

wanted to see opinions if this guy was still after me or am I imagining it.
Why?
You keep writing about whether he is interested in you or not. Again - as if your opinion carries no weight, & this entire arbitrary & overdramatic 'dilemma' is solely down to him to make or break.
What does it matter if he is after you?
The only thing that matters is that you say you do not want him to be after you.
So stop fucking around, & block him.

I suspect you are giving it so much headspace as a distraction from marital dissatisfaction. So work on that, & FFS stop obsessing over this tawdry situation - this bloke is not your friend, & is not going to make you happy.

@ChargingBuck

However it is believed by psychologists

to the passive voice & admirably sweeping statement.

This is why I say it's believed by psychologists , I came across this statement many times but I am not insisting it is true, many people would argue it's not. One has to look at statistics if such existed to know exactly. As an autistic female (Asperger's) I often formed better friendships with boys and find men easier to be friends with, and have had male friends where I can guarantee there was no attraction on either part.

"I just feel bad he's the only guy that will never leave me"
You've concocted a story in your head about this man, and if you don't get a grip and move on and leave him in the past where he belongs you'll regret it.
It doesn't matter if he's "after you" unless you're looking for trouble. In which case you know where to find it.

@elociN5

No advice but I have a long term male friend who I know liked me/likes me and I don't fancy him but we have been good friends for over 13 years now. I met him when I was married and when I was getting divorced a few years ago he told me how he felt (he was a bit drunk), he said 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you but know it will never happen". He's been in relationships since and I have remarried and had another child. He is still a close friend and we never crossed that line as it would ruin the friendship. However it is believed by psychologists that true friendship between opposite sexes cannot exist and one party always fancies another and there is a degree of attraction. Some would disagree but in many cases it's true. Dating him will affect your friendship. Also you need to consult your moral compass and decide if you really want to have an affair while married. Hope this helps.

I have never had that real talk with him. It's just that comment he saw me but he couldn't say hi because I was with him. That literally threw me and I thought we are friends nothing more. That why I said he could have said hi my guy is not the jealous type. I feel like he does still want me but then I feel he moved past that now. The random visits to my work put me on edge. He will comment on posts. I don't think I could cut him off just like that. I suppose I feel like the way he checks up on me sometimes I would say hi to him. But it was more him. Now he backed off a bit and so have I. I did question myself about my own feelings but realized it was just because my husband and I were having issues. I love my husband and this guy friend is just a friend. It's just feel there's so much I need to say to him. I care about him now and it's crazy we never crossed that line. I think I happy we didn't go there but it's like I do wonder if he is thinking the same. I do think with more than any other guy we were never meant to be more than friends. A lot of guys used me badly and let's just say I know about married men. Thanks for your advice

@ChargingBuck

I think what he was trying to do almost worked. But it hasn't and it was a concern him showing up at my work but think now we both backed off. Stop obsessing over what this bloke may or may not do. You are writing about him as if you have no personal agency. He turns up at your work - so what? - you ask him WTF he is doing at your workplace, tell him you are busy, & send him on his way.

wanted to see opinions if this guy was still after me or am I imagining it.
Why?
You keep writing about whether he is interested in you or not. Again - as if your opinion carries no weight, & this entire arbitrary & overdramatic 'dilemma' is solely down to him to make or break.
What does it matter if he is after you?
The only thing that matters is that you say you do not want him to be after you.
So stop fucking around, & block him.

I suspect you are giving it so much headspace as a distraction from marital dissatisfaction. So work on that, & FFS stop obsessing over this tawdry situation - this bloke is not your friend, & is not going to make you happy.

Maybe you have had bad experiences.

I believe we are just friends that's it.
Unless he does do or say anything that goes far will cut him off.
Blocking him won't solve him coming to my work wondering what he has done wrong. He hasn't done anything just I feel closer to him that's all.
If my husband has female friends then it cool. Not getting rid of my guy friend.
I say that for good reason.

@PearlD

"I just feel bad he's the only guy that will never leave me" You've concocted a story in your head about this man, and if you don't get a grip and move on and leave him in the past where he belongs you'll regret it. It doesn't matter if he's "after you" unless you're looking for trouble. In which case you know where to find it.

We both not done anything that will cross the line. I just don't want to misread things things Obviously I know he's a man and know what he wants or wanted. But lately he been there for me and think my emotions are just all over the place because I know he gone away and just up in my feelings for no reason. Although I know what I said needed opinions because of random visits at my work and just stuff he previously said. It's just it's 2022 and my new going to start February. Because January been rubbish so far. I was going to speak to him face to face then I thought I am making this more than what it is. I don't know yet what I will do. Maybe once I go back to work I will forget about all this. I have found a friend in him. I know he has changed so he not like how he was. He knows I will cut him off and don't think he wants that. He just a reminder of my past so the problem not him at all. I had to much time to think lately. Thanks all for advice.