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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can't ignore this and need advice

55 replies

Richtea2 · 12/01/2022 01:04

Hi,
I just need some advice about my male friend.

I met him on dating site and to be honest in those days a lot was going on in my life. I really wasn't interested in him like that. I gave him the brush off because I was into someone else. But I had gone back to the site and message him but he said he was getting married. Then I actually bumped into him and met him for the first at a bus stop. I did mention about getting married and it was clear something wasn't right there.
I did invite him to my flat because he told me they separated but I got the truth out of him and they were still together. Nothing happened we danced, maybe kissed before I got the truth out of him. Yes it wasn't good then he left because someone called.
After this I didn't see him for awhile and think I kind of cut him off for a while. I just couldn't get involved with him.
So then he messaged me and we got talking again. Then I was visiting family and going carnival and he message he was there. We met up but went to go round with him then thought I can't and said I wasn't feeling well and told him go and enjoy carnival with his friends. Then we never spoke for awhile or maybe he would message honestly can't remember. Until the next carnival again he message to me and this time I started seeing someone so told him I couldn't.
From this point onwards he did message me a lot and had added him on a social site. We spoke on there a lot and during lockdown we did grow closer and he said we are friends. I thought he not a bad guy really.
By this point I was in a relationship and he was opening up and talking about his wife, child.
He use to message like nearly every day we talk and I stupidly told him where I worked. Then I started worrying when he would come to my work. He brought his child the first time and then he came alone. We would speak on this site and he would say things would would make me feel he still wanted. Like he saw me with my husband and said he wanted to say hi but he couldn't because I was with him like we were having an affair. I was like you could of said hi my husband not the jealous type etc.
From this point I couldn't tell him when I worked. He would message and respond to photos and say a lot of stuff. I didn't like some stuff he would say. But to be honest I actually got closer to him myself didn't realize he probably the only guy who just been there and I have ignored him and he not a bad guy but we are friends.
For awhile he really backed off and he would message still a bit. Once time he said he went to check me at my work and I wasn't there so I just put Lol.
I tried pushing my feelings and say we are only friends nothing more. Maybe we are just friends but I do miss talking to him.
I don't fancy him but he has grown on me. I would never want an affair or anything like like that. I wonder if he is waiting for my husband and I to split or I just don't know. I have wondered if the reason why I feel close to him is because he was in my life when I was going through a lot.
I wonder if cutting him off is best because he is apart of my past.
He said to me we are friends he gave us that title. He use to drive me crazy so he was just some guy.
He has been there for me through some difficult times although we don't meet up.
I feel drawn to him a bit more.
He remembers so much about me more than I remember about him.
Is this a friendship or what?
I really don't want to mess this friendship up. It's just I never had any man like this in my life. It's like he always watching and always there to listen.
Any advice

OP posts:
Richtea2 · 13/01/2022 08:19

Thank you all for your advice.

I must of just been having a moment or something. Today not even thinking of this friend.

I was reading a post on here and it really just made me sad. It just made me think of my husband and stuff that's gone on with us.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 13/01/2022 11:02

@Richtea2

OP you say this

Don't want any type of an affair.

but it sounds like you are already in an emotional affair with someone who is pushing your very weak boundaries. He turns up at places he knows you will be, turns up at your work (not cool), messages you frequently. If your husband was doing this, how do you think you would feel?

You are playing with fire, OP. Even if you feel your husband can't/won't say anything because he has female friends, what about this man's wife? Stand back and look at this situation from a more objective point of view and disengage, permanently. 🌹

IamGusFring · 13/01/2022 11:12

This guy is NOT your friend . He is enjoying pulling you off the back burner every now and again for a bit of titillation . His actions when he saw you with your H says it all - he knows it is wrong ! 6/7 years ? WTF ? Get on with you real life and block this creep who is using you .

Richtea2 · 13/01/2022 11:28

[quote Newestname002]@Richtea2

OP you say this

Don't want any type of an affair.

but it sounds like you are already in an emotional affair with someone who is pushing your very weak boundaries. He turns up at places he knows you will be, turns up at your work (not cool), messages you frequently. If your husband was doing this, how do you think you would feel?

You are playing with fire, OP. Even if you feel your husband can't/won't say anything because he has female friends, what about this man's wife? Stand back and look at this situation from a more objective point of view and disengage, permanently. 🌹[/quote]
My husband is the problem not this guy. I haven't heard from him for awhile..if he doesn't message it doesn't bother me.
I am not really that into like I been saying. Just had got to know him a little bit better. Do I believe he still a player probably messing around on his wife. Yes I do but it's not me.
I think he knows he can't with me even though he will message how are you from time to time.
Think my emotions was all over the place and even today but I am not thinking of that guy it's other stuff now.
But yes your right think of his wife. This why I won't go there with him.

OP posts:
Richtea2 · 13/01/2022 11:32

@IamGusFring

This guy is NOT your friend . He is enjoying pulling you off the back burner every now and again for a bit of titillation . His actions when he saw you with your H says it all - he knows it is wrong ! 6/7 years ? WTF ? Get on with you real life and block this creep who is using you .
It's funny I cringe when I refer to him as a friend. He gave us that title not me. I had been very weary of him still.

Yes your are right but like I said my emotions are over the place not even sure why.
My husband is definitely the issue and always has been not this guy.

OP posts:
LeifSan · 13/01/2022 11:40

I’m sorry things are bad with your husband, but if i’ve read your posts correctly this emotional investment has been going on since you met him in 2015? That’s SEVEN years you’ve carried a torch for this guy.

It's just feel there's so much I need to say to him. I care about him now and it's crazy we never crossed that line. I think I happy we didn't go there but it's like I do wonder if he is thinking the same. I do think with more than any other guy we were never meant to be more than friends. A lot of guys used me badly and let's just say I know about married men.

I think you are desperately trying to convince yourself you are happy with being ‘just friends’ (which clearly neither of you are since this screams emotional affair). But if he declared love to you or wanting you romantically sorry but it comes off you’d be there like a shot.

What are the issues with your husband?

Also - deciding someone who has strung you along for seven years and you have joined in a pseudo affair type situation as someone who would never leave you is painfully naive.

Richtea2 · 13/01/2022 13:43

@LeifSan

I’m sorry things are bad with your husband, but if i’ve read your posts correctly this emotional investment has been going on since you met him in 2015? That’s SEVEN years you’ve carried a torch for this guy.

It's just feel there's so much I need to say to him. I care about him now and it's crazy we never crossed that line. I think I happy we didn't go there but it's like I do wonder if he is thinking the same. I do think with more than any other guy we were never meant to be more than friends. A lot of guys used me badly and let's just say I know about married men.

I think you are desperately trying to convince yourself you are happy with being ‘just friends’ (which clearly neither of you are since this screams emotional affair). But if he declared love to you or wanting you romantically sorry but it comes off you’d be there like a shot.

What are the issues with your husband?

Also - deciding someone who has strung you along for seven years and you have joined in a pseudo affair type situation as someone who would never leave you is painfully naive.

I met in 2015 and do be honest can't remember if it was then. It was around that type had separated from my ex. I was on a dating site and met and spoke to different guys. I was interested in others guys rather than him. There was 7 years of nothing on my part. When things didn't work out with other guys I reached out to him but he was getting married. Then we didn't have no contact for ages. My life was not all about him. It's just one day he did come visit me and can't remember how we reconnected. But he lied about his situation and wasn't happy. I think I did cut him off for ages. It was all him and wasn't really into him. Didn't fancy him and I know how married men are too well. Again I can't remember how we reconnected. I was weary about him and he would text how are you from time to time. It use to drive me crazy but I honestly didn't really pay much attention to him at all. Until he turned up at the carnival and then again and from that point I realized I had an issue. I think he did say we are friends and I use to say what mischief you up too. It was all just talk until maybe before lockdown we really got closer online. But then turning up at my work got me on edge this why I posted on here to see if I was making it more than it is. Plus I had grown a bit closer to him and probably using him to make me feel better because of my husband. It's like since new years eve we not spoken. So maybe he has let go and moved on. I won't chase him by contacting him first but think if I did it was because he was always checking on me. For me really there's nothing enjoy the banter. It's not like he declares his love for me says anything really out there only to do with me and my husband. It's fizzled out now I think.
OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 13/01/2022 14:06

You're investing a huge amount of energy & overthinking into a married man you claim not to be bothered by.

I suspect you are enjoying making it all into a big drama in your head. Otherwise, you would be very easily able to ignore it. The fact that you are unwilling to ignore it, & refuse to block him, just shows how invested you are.

You'd be far better off returning to real life. If you put half the thought you spend on this man into your own life & marriage, you'd be a lot happier.

Richtea2 · 13/01/2022 14:16

@ChargingBuck

You're investing a huge amount of energy & overthinking into a married man you claim not to be bothered by.

I suspect you are enjoying making it all into a big drama in your head. Otherwise, you would be very easily able to ignore it. The fact that you are unwilling to ignore it, & refuse to block him, just shows how invested you are.

You'd be far better off returning to real life. If you put half the thought you spend on this man into your own life & marriage, you'd be a lot happier.

Hi, I think deep down I miss our talking again it's nothing. I been self isolating so had time to overthink. Plus I know he has gone back home to his country for holiday. He has not once contacted me which is good. I did feel the need to ask advice because I just was ignoring the whole situation. Like is it me or is it normal for a guy friend just to turn up at your work from time to time. Not that he was buying anything. It's just if he not being a genuine friend then don't want to know. Because you can be friends with a man. It's just deep down something hasn't been feeling right. As it's 2022 want a fresh start. Thanks for advice
OP posts:
eagerlywaitingfor · 13/01/2022 14:16

You keep saying that if you block him then you have lost the last link to your past.

Why are you trying to hang onto the past like this? To be honest, I feel that the best thing for you and your peace of mind would be to block this guy, and go and have some counselling instead. You clearly need to come to terms with your past, and hanging onto this relationship is really not helping, is it?

Get some counselling, concentrate on your marriage and your life now, and let go of the past (and him). Flowers

FestiveFlavours · 14/01/2022 01:27

You are over-dramatising all of this.
He is not the only connection to your “past” (considering you only met him 7 years ago).
His star sign is irrelevant.
He is clearly playing you.
You are clearly playing along for the ego-boost.

He is probably laughing about you with his friends in his home country.
Block him.

Richtea2 · 14/01/2022 02:37

@FestiveFlavours

You are over-dramatising all of this. He is not the only connection to your “past” (considering you only met him 7 years ago). His star sign is irrelevant. He is clearly playing you. You are clearly playing along for the ego-boost. He is probably laughing about you with his friends in his home country. Block him.
The connections are burnt bridges. Soul ties.

With this guy think I will ignore him and when I sorted some stuff will think about what to do.

Very deep stuff which wouldn't expect no one to understand.

At my age a simple conversation first before you get to blocking.

OP posts:
Richtea2 · 14/01/2022 02:40

Some of you have given some great advice but some way off.
Thanks anyway I will work it out. I was born yesterday.

OP posts:
FestiveFlavours · 14/01/2022 07:08

I’m guessing English isn’t your first language, from your posts. But I have no idea what “Soul ties” might mean?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/01/2022 08:34

Very deep stuff which wouldn't expect no one to understand.

Yes, "no one" has ever felt the connection you feel with this bloke with anyone else themselves 🙄

Do you really believe that?!

ChargingBuck · 14/01/2022 10:49

Very deep stuff which wouldn't expect no one to understand.

Yeah, I'm too thick to keep up with your "soul ties" & star signs OP.

Richtea2 · 14/01/2022 22:04

@FestiveFlavours

I’m guessing English isn’t your first language, from your posts. But I have no idea what “Soul ties” might mean?
Probably it's very difficult to put into words. Don't worry what you don't understand.

Think I got this probably figure out this on my own now.

OP posts:
Richtea2 · 14/01/2022 22:05

@ChargingBuck

Very deep stuff which wouldn't expect no one to understand.

Yeah, I'm too thick to keep up with your "soul ties" & star signs OP.

Yes you must a very young mum so got a lot of learning to do. Thanks for trying to understand anyway.
OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 14/01/2022 22:11

What are you doing? You are kidding yourself, do not meet up with , do not start talking to him about your feelings . You are married and this guy is not just a friend. You are playing with fire, and I think you know that.

Richtea2 · 15/01/2022 09:11

@DelphiniumBlue

What are you doing? You are kidding yourself, do not meet up with , do not start talking to him about your feelings . You are married and this guy is not just a friend. You are playing with fire, and I think you know that.
I am ignoring him at the moment because I just can't talk to him. Just focusing on my husband and other things right now. If he turns up at my work then just cross the bridge when it comes to it. Right now thing just ignore him. If I get with other things he might just fade away. If he does get too much tell him this can't be happening and back off. I think my emotions were all over the place feeling distant from my husband just like don't want another year of this. Although conversation not like before he did just use to message how are you from time to time. Not much in depth messaging ando the conversation dried up a bit. It will all work out because just thinking of other stuff. I do think we need a talk otherwise leave even message him but might complicate things more. So just will leave it be. It's been peaceful and a lot happier.
OP posts:
Richtea2 · 15/01/2022 09:17

I am always miss typing so excuse me. Not really reading what I am typing back.

OP posts:
Flutterflybutterby · 15/01/2022 12:59

This isn't a normal or healthy friendship. Nor is it appropriate behavior for someone who is married. Sorry to be harsh but I think it's really quite disrespectful of you towards your poor husband if I'm honest.

LuluBlakey1 · 15/01/2022 13:04

Star signs!
Get a grip, stop rambling on and focus on your marriage and child and not on this idiot. Stop indulging yourself in this rubbish.

Richtea2 · 15/01/2022 14:39

@Flutterflybutterby

This isn't a normal or healthy friendship. Nor is it appropriate behavior for someone who is married. Sorry to be harsh but I think it's really quite disrespectful of you towards your poor husband if I'm honest.
I have put up with a lot of disrespect from my husband already. So going by his words if you don't see me physically on top of anyone then I am not doing anything wrong. Something like that he said. This was with a married friend of his they both had a thing for each other. I still have to see her from time to time so really don't care. My husband pretended like he didn't know her in my face like they don't message from time to time. He has had his own emotional affairs I feel. Right now no contact with other guy so I am doing nothing wrong.

I am focusing on my marriage still.

OP posts:
Richtea2 · 15/01/2022 14:41

@LuluBlakey1

Star signs! Get a grip, stop rambling on and focus on your marriage and child and not on this idiot. Stop indulging yourself in this rubbish.
I am focusing on my marriage. Trying sort that out to be honest.
OP posts: