Seperating after 25 years

ScoobyJas73 · 2022-01-11T12:20:26+00:00

Man here need advice Hi all, first time I've ever posted. I've been with my partner for 25 years, we are not married and have 2 grown up children of 22. We live in a housing association property and I've just about had enough. She is 60 and I'm 48 so a big age gap. The main issues are I work as a London Taxi Driver working 50+ hours a week and she only works for 20 hours a week. I've been pleading for years for her to get a full time job and help out financially more than she does. For whatever reason it's been 7 years and no change. I want a life and to be able to do things and go places but whilst I'm the main breadwinner it's never gonna happen. We had arguments and discussions about it but nothing has changed. I want to leave but if I do it drops her right in the shit financially as she only earns about £770 a month. I'm so sad, depressed and miserable as a result. There hasnt been any sexual contact or physical interaction for over 3 years now either Please help???

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/01/2022 12:41

I’d “drop her in the shit” and leave, to be honest. You’ve discussed it, you’ve asked, if there’s nothing physically stopping her finding full time work then I’d imagine suddenly having to find money to pay the bills would be the sharp kick up the backside she needs.

Your relationship is over, isn’t it? She doesn’t respect you, neither of you are happy, and there’s no sex or even intimacy. Leaving after so long will obviously be a wrench, but not being married, sharing a mortgage of having any dependent children to worry about makes the process a whole lot more straightforward.

8PressureUnder · 11/01/2022 13:32

Life is too short to be miserable !

You can leave for any reason or a number of reasons. You have made up your mind already

Start looking for somewhere new to live

Start planning somewhere that you want to go on your travels

Good luck

Newestname002 · 11/01/2022 14:03

Have you looked at accommodation for yourself when you leave OP?

In your shoes I'd get organised and have somewhere sorted out to stay, even temporarily, before telling her you are moving out. Do ensure that you take your name off any bills (contact the service companies) effective from the date you move out, and arrange a mail redirection online (I think it takes about 7 days to kick in). Take a photo of your gas/electricity/water meters for when your talk to your energy suppliers, so you know your final bill will be accurate.

Also remember, if you are moving somewhere on your own, to claim the 25% sole occupier discount for whichever borough council you move to. You can do this online. Good luck. 🌹

trickytimes · 12/01/2022 06:51

How much is the rent/bills per month? Can she afford it on her own?

Butterfly44 · 12/01/2022 07:34

You've got adult children who have their own lives. You don't sound happy and have tried to talk but not got anywhere - and life is too short. It doesn't seem like she wants to travel or do anything to change things. So plan on leaving. You are not married so it will be easier. She can choose to stay on her 20h week or whatever works to support herself. Presumably she's eligible to withdraw extra from pension if she needs extra without working more.

2DogsOnMySofa · 12/01/2022 07:40

It's not up to you to provide for her, if she chooses this lifestyle and you leave she's got a choice. Live on £77 or up her hours. She's a grown up

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 12/01/2022 09:21

I'd think on that wage she'd be entitled to some benefits at least while she looks for more work. You could have a look on the website entitled to, it might be reassuring. You can also seperate under one roof and keep contributing for a period to ease the transition. She can apply as a single person if you are seperated but still living there for a while. I in no way think you need to hang around to ease the transition, but it might be a way to help you leave.

Thoosa · 12/01/2022 09:25

How many empty bedrooms will she have if you leave? Can she downsize, if you give her warning? (I’m assuming downsizing is easier than upsizing is social housing.) Could you give her a small lump sum to tide her over while she sorts herself out? Help her move? Removals costs are sky high these days.

Original poster

ScoobyJas73 · 12/01/2022 20:15

@trickytimes

How much is the rent/bills per month? Can she afford it on her own?

700 a month and no she can't, she only earns 770 a month

OP posts:

Original poster

ScoobyJas73 · 12/01/2022 20:16

@Butterfly44

You've got adult children who have their own lives. You don't sound happy and have tried to talk but not got anywhere - and life is too short. It doesn't seem like she wants to travel or do anything to change things. So plan on leaving. You are not married so it will be easier. She can choose to stay on her 20h week or whatever works to support herself. Presumably she's eligible to withdraw extra from pension if she needs extra without working more.

She's got no pension at all

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/01/2022 20:19

You can just leave. I would. Go be happy. Legally you owe her nothing.

Original poster

ScoobyJas73 · 12/01/2022 20:24

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

I'd think on that wage she'd be entitled to some benefits at least while she looks for more work. You could have a look on the website entitled to, it might be reassuring. You can also seperate under one roof and keep contributing for a period to ease the transition. She can apply as a single person if you are seperated but still living there for a while. I in no way think you need to hang around to ease the transition, but it might be a way to help you leave.

Yeh she'd get half the rent paid which is about £350 a month. I didn't know you could do that. I'll look into it

OP posts:

Original poster

ScoobyJas73 · 12/01/2022 20:27

@Thoosa

How many empty bedrooms will she have if you leave? Can she downsize, if you give her warning? (I’m assuming downsizing is easier than upsizing is social housing.) Could you give her a small lump sum to tide her over while she sorts herself out? Help her move? Removals costs are sky high these days.

She'd have 2 empty bedrooms as my son still lives at home. It seems quite hard to actually downsize.

OP posts:

ImNotWhoYouThink · 12/01/2022 20:36

If you woke up tomorrow and your partner said she had a full time job would that make you want to stay? No. You’re in a loveless, sexless relationship. Unless that changes the relationship is over and you need to leave and make a life for yourself. Life’s short, don’t waste it on someone who takes you for granted.

dane8 · 12/01/2022 20:42

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FI0N · 12/01/2022 20:45

So why don’t you move into a new 2 bed place and your son can move in with you ?

Then your partner can get an exchange with her landlord to a one bed property. I’m sure they will be very keen to find her something acceptable and free up a 3 bed.

BTW I’m amazed that a 3 bedroom HA property can be rented for £700 - what a steal !

Tempusfudgeit · 12/01/2022 21:30

I presume your adult son is working and can contribute to the rent/bills? With two spare rooms she could get a lodger too. For as long as you're providing, she'll never learn to manage like an adult should.

Original poster

ScoobyJas73 · 13/01/2022 13:06

@FI0N

So why don’t you move into a new 2 bed place and your son can move in with you ?

Then your partner can get an exchange with her landlord to a one bed property. I’m sure they will be very keen to find her something acceptable and free up a 3 bed.

BTW I’m amazed that a 3 bedroom HA property can be rented for £700 - what a steal !

It's actually a 4 bed for £620 every month

OP posts:

Original poster

ScoobyJas73 · 13/01/2022 13:07

@Tempusfudgeit

I presume your adult son is working and can contribute to the rent/bills? With two spare rooms she could get a lodger too. For as long as you're providing, she'll never learn to manage like an adult should.

Yes he is and does contribute

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GoodnightGrandma · 13/01/2022 13:09

Walk away, it’s not your problem. Go get that happy life you want.

dane8 · 14/01/2022 18:23

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Original poster

ScoobyJas73 · 14/01/2022 18:36

@dane8

£620 for a 4 bed house in London ??

Gave you actually said, if nothing changes I’m leaving ?

Yes it's cheap and yes I've said it countless times. It does nothing

OP posts:

apinions · 14/01/2022 18:53

Going against the grain a bit here. You have decided to marry a woman a lot older than you. She is now 60 and not long off retirement age. You've been together all these years, you must have know that she didn't have a pension, and that's not that uncommon for women. My DP's are in exactly this position. And it isn't uncommon for women in their 60's to sometimes work fewer hours if they are able, particularly if they have menopause symptoms. I do understand that you need more money coming in, but how about you downsize now to a 2 bed in preparation for her retirement. I presume your son is also contributing towards household costs. But obviously there is much more to it than this, and you should maybe split anyway then.

Original poster

ScoobyJas73 · 14/01/2022 19:09

@apinions

Going against the grain a bit here. You have decided to marry a woman a lot older than you. She is now 60 and not long off retirement age. You've been together all these years, you must have know that she didn't have a pension, and that's not that uncommon for women. My DP's are in exactly this position. And it isn't uncommon for women in their 60's to sometimes work fewer hours if they are able, particularly if they have menopause symptoms. I do understand that you need more money coming in, but how about you downsize now to a 2 bed in preparation for her retirement. I presume your son is also contributing towards household costs. But obviously there is much more to it than this, and you should maybe split anyway then.

We aren't married. I've been on at her for 7 years now to help and nothing. Our property is so cheap rental wise. Anything smaller wouldn't be saving that much. Yes our son contributes. There has been no physical contact for at least 3 years now either. I don't want to spend the next 20 years working my arse off for nothing and at the end of the day I'm not prepared to put up with it any longer. Does that make me selfish?

OP posts:

JenniferAlisonPhilippaSue · 14/01/2022 20:02

I think you’re being a bit selfish tbh. She’s 60. And she does work part-time. Presumably she also does the majority of the housework and gave up her career to stay at home and raise your children?
You don’t actually need two full-time incomes (or three if you include the grown up child) if your rent is sooo cheap. (How on earth do people qualify for this?!) But you basically resent being the main breadwinner. Seems a bit petty after 25 years together.