Seperating after 25 years

[ScoobyJas73]

Man here need advice
Hi all, first time I've ever posted.
I've been with my partner for 25 years, we are not married and have 2 grown up children of 22.
We live in a housing association property and I've just about had enough. She is 60 and I'm 48 so a big age gap. The main issues are I work as a London Taxi Driver working 50+ hours a week and she only works for 20 hours a week.
I've been pleading for years for her to get a full time job and help out financially more than she does. For whatever reason it's been 7 years and no change.
I want a life and to be able to do things and go places but whilst I'm the main breadwinner it's never gonna happen.
We had arguments and discussions about it but nothing has changed. I want to leave but if I do it drops her right in the shit financially as she only earns about £770 a month.
I'm so sad, depressed and miserable as a result. There hasnt been any sexual contact or physical interaction for over 3 years now either
Please help???

You're not married. You don't have an intimate relationship any more. It's time to start enjoying the rest of your life.

@JenniferAlisonPhilippaSue

I think you’re being a bit selfish tbh. She’s 60. And she does work part-time. Presumably she also does the majority of the housework and gave up her career to stay at home and raise your children? You don’t actually need two full-time incomes (or three if you include the grown up child) if your rent is sooo cheap. (How on earth do people qualify for this?!) But you basically resent being the main breadwinner. Seems a bit petty after 25 years together.

That isn't the only issue though, no intimacy or even a kiss in years, we don't go anywhere or do anything as a couple and haven't done for a long time. She seems happy to just live out her days like this. I'm not

Just leave, life is too short. It’s not like you’re abandoning a family with small children, you all are grown ups and nobody is disabled. Every grown up person should be able to take care of himself and provide for himself and look after himself/herself.

There are responsibilities and moral obligations when kids are little or when someone can’t work due to ill health, otherwise bad relationships can be exited without any major guilt.

You're still young. You've given her 7 years to make more of herself and she hasn't - time to move on. Some people are homebodies and happy to never go anywhere or do anything, but that's not you - you are fundamentally incompatible.

FWIW I'm nearly 54, working full time and expecting to have to work until I'm 67 at least - you can't expect to live your life depending on someone else when the children have grown up.

How does she intend to support herself in her 60s if she doesn't work and hasn't for a while?

Is her plan to claim benefits? It sounds like she may not have thought this through.

@JDaytona

How does she intend to support herself in her 60s if she doesn't work and hasn't for a while?

Is her plan to claim benefits? It sounds like she may not have thought this through.

Me and state pension by the sounds of it. Yes and I've said what are you gonna do as you've no pension. Get no response. All I get is your bullying me and stop having a go at me

Stopping work to look after children doesn't explain why someone would still not work at 60!

It's fine if one person works FT and the other PT if that is agreed by both - several of my friends and family have this arrangement (sometimes the man, mostly the woman is PT) and the PT person does the housework, food shopping, gardening etc while the other is at work. Then on the FT person's days off they get more time to do fun stuff together (or apart). But it sounds like this wasn't an agreed situation and you aren't getting the benefit of having more time together.

The lack of affection / respect / physical relationship says that it's run its course.

@layladomino

Stopping work to look after children doesn't explain why someone would still not work at 60!

It's fine if one person works FT and the other PT if that is agreed by both - several of my friends and family have this arrangement (sometimes the man, mostly the woman is PT) and the PT person does the housework, food shopping, gardening etc while the other is at work. Then on the FT person's days off they get more time to do fun stuff together (or apart). But it sounds like this wasn't an agreed situation and you aren't getting the benefit of having more time together.

The lack of affection / respect / physical relationship says that it's run its course.

While children were young didn't have a problem with either not working or part time. Since the kids were 15/16 that's when I said I needed the help as it's money for us to start enjoying life after kids. Nothing and then moans at me when we don't do anything. As for the physical and emotional side there's been nothing for years

Leave. It doesn't make you selfish.

Lots of quite harsh replies here. I am going to go against the grain and say I feel rather sorry for your wife. I am almost the same age as her, and women's expectations about work, and the working world were a bit different than those of today, when we entered it. I work 20 hours and post-menopause, I feel a heck of a lot less energetic than I did fifteen years ago. Did you not anticipate any of these potential issues when you married someone twelve years your senior?

Do you mind me asking why you are posting here? To lessen your guilt? To hear people say YANBU? I understand you feel miserable and trapped currently but will seeing strangers on the Internet, who know nothing about your relationship, except your side of things, and what you have chosen to share here , say "yes leave her" really make you feel better about things?

I think it might be better to talk to your wife gently and honestly about how you feel about her and your relationship. Does she have any clue that you are thinking of leaving? Does she have any issues to do with self confidence or anxiety that stop her from working more? Does she need support to find work? She is obviously going to have to find more work whatever your decision.

Outside of "money and sex" what else do you BOTH bring to the relationship? I ask, not because those two things aren't very important, but because it seems quite a transactional way of describing a marriage of twenty-five years? You haven't really mentioned anything else about her.

Are you good friends?
Do you support one another?
Is there still respect and love and loyalty between you?
Do you do any of the housework & cooking?
Were you a good and involved father?
Has she been a good wife to you?
How do you think (honestly) she would describe you as a husband?
What would you miss about her if you separated and vice versa?

Good luck

@Creativemojo makes some good points.

Also, bear in mind that as she's 60, employers won't be queuing up to hire her. I don't know what she does but I'm assuming it's not that high-flying, What skills does she have that someone might want?

You don't owe her anything legally, but morally? As the mother of your children did she contribute to your life when they were younger?

I know you're unhappy, but have you actually laid it all on the line for her as to what the consequences are going to be if things don't change?

There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with being selfish. We all owe it to ourselves to think about number one. And you sound incompatible in terms of lifestyle and goals. Also unbalanced - she’s happy, you’re not. So all in all it’s run its course probably. But TALK to her, fully and frankly, about the consequences of splitting and the steps you both need to take next. After 25 years, you owe each other respect.

Spot on!
OP, which of you carries the vast majority of domestic chores in the household? Does your DP do shopping, cooking, cleaning, ironing, decorating, walking the dog etc?

What do you bring to the relationship? Why don't you try talk to your DP and find out if she has any mental health issues that are concerning her?

Just leave, I lived with a man 11 years younger than me for 20 years who always found and excuse not to work or contribute and I just got sick of it.
Life's too short. if you leave she will have to work full time, retirement age for us is 67.

@Creativemojo

Lots of quite harsh replies here. I am going to go against the grain and say I feel rather sorry for your wife. I am almost the same age as her, and women's expectations about work, and the working world were a bit different than those of today, when we entered it. I work 20 hours and post-menopause, I feel a heck of a lot less energetic than I did fifteen years ago. Did you not anticipate any of these potential issues when you married someone twelve years your senior?

Do you mind me asking why you are posting here? To lessen your guilt? To hear people say YANBU? I understand you feel miserable and trapped currently but will seeing strangers on the Internet, who know nothing about your relationship, except your side of things, and what you have chosen to share here , say "yes leave her" really make you feel better about things?

I think it might be better to talk to your wife gently and honestly about how you feel about her and your relationship. Does she have any clue that you are thinking of leaving? Does she have any issues to do with self confidence or anxiety that stop her from working more? Does she need support to find work? She is obviously going to have to find more work whatever your decision.

Outside of "money and sex" what else do you BOTH bring to the relationship? I ask, not because those two things aren't very important, but because it seems quite a transactional way of describing a marriage of twenty-five years? You haven't really mentioned anything else about her.

Are you good friends?
Do you support one another?
Is there still respect and love and loyalty between you?
Do you do any of the housework & cooking?
Were you a good and involved father?
Has she been a good wife to you?
How do you think (honestly) she would describe you as a husband?
What would you miss about her if you separated and vice versa?

Good luck

I have been trying to get her to Increase her hours for the last 7 years, not as if it was yesterday I asked. So she was 53 when I first brought it up and nothing has changed. No I didn't expect those sort of issues. I didn't think it would be that difficult to find a Job I am posting on here for advice and what have I got to feel guilty for? What have I done wrong? Yes we spoke about it no end of times. I've threatened to leave if things don't change and they haven't at all. We have no relationship just an existence in the same house. There is nothing, it is like living in an empty shell. We go nowhere together, do nothing together as I'm always working. She loves me I think but I don't her it's as simple as that. I have no feelings for. We both contributed to bringing up the kids equally. I did chores,cooked, and cleaned the house. I took the kids to school and did everything a dad should. If I'm honest I only stayed to bring up the kids in the end. Hand on heart I would miss nothing about her:( Am I supposed to stay with someone when I feel like this? Would you just accept that this is going to your life until you die.

Not at all the main issue and it does sound the relationship is over… but where are you going to live? Aren’t you probably going to have to pay a lot more to rent somewhere smaller privately?

@SarahovWelby

Spot on! OP, which of you carries the vast majority of domestic chores in the household? Does your DP do shopping, cooking, cleaning, ironing, decorating, walking the dog etc?

What do you bring to the relationship? Why don't you try talk to your DP and find out if she has any mental health issues that are concerning her?

She does the cooking and washing. I do the shopping as she doesn't drive. The rest of the chores get done eventually. I iron my own stuff when I need it. Imo we have an existence that's it

Do you think she loves you?
Do you think she’ll be shocked and upset at the relationship ending (apart from the practical and financial implications I mean).

I suppose I feel a bit sorry for her… at 60 it’s much harder for her to ‘start again’ than for you as a 48 yr old male.
I wonder how much the age difference is a factor here.

But if you’ve tried to say you’re unhappy and she hasn’t listened…

She's a grown woman, she'll adapt. She isn't your responsibility. You aren't selfish as far as I can see.

Is she depressed? Mental health issues?

My mother was 47 when my father left her after 23 years of marriage...he was 42. My mother felt (and still does) that because she'd had 3 children with him he owed her financial support for the rest of her life. Out of that 23 years she'd worked part time for 3 of them. She gave up that work when he left...she never worked again. She's now 80 and lives in a small HA flat on a disability pension (not in the UK).

Wouldn't surprise me if your partner has the same expectations as my mother did.

Your partner needs to downsize and/or get a full time job. Your relationship is over, she needs to realize this. There is a saying 'Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm'

@User2638483

Not at all the main issue and it does sound the relationship is over… but where are you going to live? Aren’t you probably going to have to pay a lot more to rent somewhere smaller privately?

Yes will have to pay more probably

It's not that long ago that women retired at 60. Sounds like you need to leave, but you can do it as kindly as possible. Maybe not a great idea to get together with a woman 12 years your senior.

You need to leave. There are full time jobs around for older people which may not pay that well but it would have helped so much as a contribution.

I absolutely value the raising of children but I like many women worked full time and raised a child.

It sounds as if she expects you to support her indefinitely.

You probably do need to leave, but if she stayed home for years to bring up children and you didn’t pay into a pension for her then, then you do owe her. I don’t think it’s that easy for a 60 year old woman to find work.