Kids dislike their dad's new girlfriends son. Help!

[Fliss12345]

Hi, this is my first time posting on this forum, so please excuse any errors. I am seeking advice as my two younger children do not enjoy staying at their dad’s house every other weekend, especially if his new girlfriend’s son is there. Here are the facts, any advice is greatly appreciated.

My ex husband left the family home in Feb 2021, we divorced in July 2021. In May 2021 he met a new girlfriend, in August 2021 he moved into her home 45 minutes drive away. Her 9 year old son resides there with her 50% of the time. The rest of the time he is with his biological dad.

My two youngest are a boy aged 8 & a girl aged 10. They see their dad once a week & stay overnight every other weekend. They are ok to stay the night but are very reluctant when her son is there too. I have tried to encourage them to like the boy but unfortunately they find him very attention seeking and emotionally immature.

My ex husband is determined that the kids should get along & is really pushing this. I would prefer a slower, more natural approach. As the boy only lives with them 50% of the time, it is possible for the kids to stay when he is not there. I think it’s more important that the kids get to spend quality time with their dad rather than share him with this other boy. Any experience, questions or opinions are very very welcome! Thanks in advance.

Are you on speaking terms with their dad? Could you have a sensible conversation about it?

I have no direct experience of this but you sound totally in the right to me. The dates you’ve posted above mean that this has all happened incredibly fast for them (and you ) so they shouldn’t be pushed into something they’re not comfortable with.

You sound like a lovely mum.

I imagine dad wants them all there together as he then gets time alone with his girlfriend. It benefits him for them to be there at the same time.

How old is the other boy?

Sorry just spotted 9!

I’m no expert but it seems to me: you can’t make them like him. It may just be a personality clash.

Also if he’s there competing for their Dad’s attention while they’re having Dad time, seems likely to make them dislike him even more.

What needs to happen is they see much less of him for a while until they’ve got used to the new girlfriend / general situation. If the relationship lasts a long time, they have plenty of time later to get to know him. (And if it doesn’t last why bother).

If the dad is determined that they all get on, he needs to do some research into preteen bonding activities and have a think about how to bond the group. Because the chances of then suddenly liking someone theybused to dislike is zero.

It sounds like your ex is putting his own needs/wishes firmly before those of his children. What's the rush? Does he expect a perfectly blended family to emerge after 6 months?

All you can do is explain to your ex how your children feel, so he can't claim he didn't know/understand. And support them in their choices.

Realistically the boy is probably finding the whole situation difficult too. There he was living with his mum and now her boyfriend has moved in, and the boyfriend's two kids come and stop every other weekend!

No suggestions but I think your husband has done all this too quickly!

A lot has happened in a very short space of time. Your ex needs to realise that the kids lives have been turned upside down with Covid and homeschool, then parents separating, and him moving someone new in with their child. The kids on both sides are probably overwhelmed and just fighting for their own parents attention. Your ex is thinking of himself rather than the kids. He needs to see his kids and his girlfriend needs to focus on her boy. They are all little and need one on one, not to be forced into happy families. I wouldn’t be rushing the children into anything, and also a relationship can’t be forced. Maybe over time they’ll accept each other’s company but he’s asking a lot of young children in a short space of time. They are probably still getting used to the new family dynamics without new children to accept too.

Thank you all so much for your replies. It is so helpful to read them. He is coming over tomorrow evening to speak to the children about 'integrating' with his girlfriend's son. I am on good speaking terms with him, I come from a divorced home myself & am determined for things to be as smooth as possible for my children.
It really has all happened so fast! I do feel for her son too, I know it can't be easy for him, but apparently he really likes my kids & wants to spend time with them.
Thank you all again so much, your thoughts have helped to solidify mine.

That is an insanely fast moving situation with kids and blending involved. If you are on speakers with him I'd let him know the situation and suggest firstly that they don't always mix with her son. Maybe one of his weekends its just him and the boys, even if he just takes them out separately for the day. Also agree with a pp. He'll need to make effort in terms of activities to bring them together. He's going to find otherwise its a house full of really annoyed pre teens. He'll want it to mix perfectly as others have said bevause this maximises him and his gfs alone time but thats their convenience bit the kids and he needs to be less self centered and more realistic

Do they even have their own rooms or has the GF son had his space invaded too?

That's interesting that the son really likes your kids but they don't like him. I had been thinking that perhaps the son was upset/jealous, but it sounds like the problem is more on your children's side than his.

Can they explain what it is they don't like about him? Is it him personally, or more the situation and they're somehow conflating that with a dislike of the boy? Do they like the girlfriend?

I would try and get them to explain what it is they don't like first, especially as it appears one sided, and take it from there.

I am in exactly the same situation. My 2 boys don't get on with their step brother and my ExH is oblivious. If I hear 'bits will be boys' one more time!!!

My ex even tries to change contact weekends with our sons if the step child changes weekend because he thinks it's easier to face them all together. All my sons want is some genuine time with their dad,

No advice unfortunately but entirely sympathetic!

Sounds v hard for all the DC, but given his actions towards them since the break up your ex is unlikely to listen to you. Would continue to focus on supporting your DC.

Nobody knows how long this new relationship will last and it sounds as though all 3 children have had a lot to cope with. Would you be able to ease off the staying over and see whether a friendship between the boys develops naturally over time? Personally, it would be a deal breaker for me if my children were unhappy about my new relationship for whatever reason but it may be their dad doesn't see it that way.

I think the speed at which thus has all,happened is a major contributing factor.

And I feel for DSS (who has no sibling ally) as much as I do for his DC with you

But at the end of the day, you are powerless in this. You cannot control what happens when the DC are with their DDad.
You can however try to wean him off the mistake of putting the DC all together so soon, and that is by having a reasonable, child-centred conversation with him and suggesting he thinks about slowing the pace so the DC are happier.

On a practical note, is the contact scheduie settled and is is court endorsed? If so, does it include provisions to change it? And do think about his changeable and flexible you want this to be - you havev10+ years of this ahead of you - don't set precedents you might resent later. And do remember that if you change yours, she might change hers, because presumably they are having them altogether sometimes somthey get the odd weekend with none of them.

They want the kids all there together the same weekend so that they get child free weekends. It’s not about the kids.

The other boy may find it’s less lonely when the other children are there. I wonder what his life is like with his dad. It may be he seems keen because at least your kids liven things up a bit.

It’s all way too fast, poor kids.

If your DC are ganging up on him, then that's something they need to cut out. None of the DC chose this situation, and it would be very wrong to let your DC think they can behave badly towards the other one.

Now, that's just hypothesis at the moment, but it's a perfectly possible one. I suggest you think in advance about how far you are going to believe XH's account of the dynamics between the DC. How truthful/reliable is he when it's about them?

(Again, the rapidity of change really isn't helping here, as you'll have little to go on, other than how he always was before you separated)

Oh FGS, he prioritises a visit to talk to them about ‘integrating’ over simply spending time with them.

I would tell him that the most important thing to his children is the relationship with their Dad, and after so much upheaval they need to feel secure with the new pattern of seeing him. If all the contact time is shared, they are not getting the quality time they need with him.

That the new set up needs to be built step bu step. They are not ready to share their precious time with their Dad with another child.

That’s incredibly quick for all the children involved. I don’t doubt the girlfriends son is immature and attention seeking - I wouldn’t be at my mature best if I got saddled with 3 new people in my home over the space of 7 months. They need to come up with a plan that priorities the children here - so 1:1 time with each of them, time for your kids alone with their dad and maybe introduce them spending time together in very short doses. Do all the children have their own space at their dads house? I’d be making that a priority too - they all need a safe space to retreat to when it gets too much.

@SportsMother

That's a good point, I hadn't considered that he might be lying about him liking my kids.

@AuntieStella

My kids don't want the boy to know that they dislike him. They are quite considerate of his feelings. I really feel for him too, it's actually quite sad that if on his weekends with his mum he wants to spend it with my kids. He might be a bit lonely.

My ex husband has been known to lie very well.

Jeez your ex and his gf are incredibly selfish! Why are you the only one looking out for the kids? Put your foot down and make it clear the present arrangements are making your kids unhappy.