Kids dislike their dad's new girlfriends son. Help!

[Fliss12345]

Hi, this is my first time posting on this forum, so please excuse any errors. I am seeking advice as my two younger children do not enjoy staying at their dad’s house every other weekend, especially if his new girlfriend’s son is there. Here are the facts, any advice is greatly appreciated.

My ex husband left the family home in Feb 2021, we divorced in July 2021. In May 2021 he met a new girlfriend, in August 2021 he moved into her home 45 minutes drive away. Her 9 year old son resides there with her 50% of the time. The rest of the time he is with his biological dad.

My two youngest are a boy aged 8 & a girl aged 10. They see their dad once a week & stay overnight every other weekend. They are ok to stay the night but are very reluctant when her son is there too. I have tried to encourage them to like the boy but unfortunately they find him very attention seeking and emotionally immature.

My ex husband is determined that the kids should get along & is really pushing this. I would prefer a slower, more natural approach. As the boy only lives with them 50% of the time, it is possible for the kids to stay when he is not there. I think it’s more important that the kids get to spend quality time with their dad rather than share him with this other boy. Any experience, questions or opinions are very very welcome! Thanks in advance.

I’m not sure I would be happy if suddenly some random people moved into my home and I was excepted to get along with them. Scrap that, I know I would be unhappy.

Thank you all for your replies, so many good points raised & many that echo my exact thoughts. To answer a few of the questions:

The kids are fine with his girlfriend but they do not like the way the girlfriends son treats his mum. They do not like the way he argues with his mum. They do not like his emotional outbursts in public places. My kids are well used to other kids, we have a big family & I'm a mum of four, no issues at all.

They live in a 2 bed house. One room has bunk beds where the kids sleep. It may be possible that his girlfriend wants every other weekend kid free, I will ask.

Sorry if I've replied to the wrong people directly, I'm very new to this! It might be beneficial to see the recent text messages between him & I. They you can see what I'm up against. Will type those in soon.

So all three kids are in one room, presumably his girlfriends sons room? No wonder your kids aren’t happy, I doubt the other child is too which may be driving the behaviour towards his mum. I’d be bloody furious if my mum moved two random kids into my bedroom. All the kids just feel so unwanted, just put somewhere and expected to get on with it. Such selfish behaviour on the adults part.

@Jellycatspyjamas

The behaviour towards his mum started before the kids had sleepovers there. But I agree that this could fuel the fire. He is only at his mum's 50% of the time, so he will have another bedroom in another house with his dad for 1 week, then back to his mums for the following week. Not that this makes much difference, but both his parents are wealthy & career minded, so his bedrooms are very well equipped I'm told. There's a lot to entertain a child there.

They may be well equipped but sharing your space with two other kids when you’ve not chosen to is awful.

@Jellycatspyjamas
But apparently he is happy to do this. It's my kids who aren't happy with it. I don't think it's about sharing the space. It's likely more that this situation has been pushed so fast by my ex husband. I think the boy could be lonely & maybe he gets more attention when my kids are with him. But, clearly none of this is an ideal situation.

In my experience it is astounding the lengths that an ex husband who professes to put your child first will go to, to engineer a situation around the needs of his new relationship. It sounds to me like they want child free weekends, and the kids are just being shoehorned in around that. Watch his actions, rather than his words, even if you're on good speaking terms. There's nothing you can do ultimately to make him prioritise your kids, you just need to sweep your side of the street and make sure theyr'e supported when they're with you. You can only do what you can do, unfortnately.

Him and his new gf sound like selfish apes, not considering the children in the picture at all.

This has all happened so quickly, as other have said. I think it makes sense that your ex should spend some time alone with his own children (regardless of how well they get on with his new girlfriend or her son).

@PearlD

In my experience it is astounding the lengths that an ex husband who professes to put your child first will go to, to engineer a situation around the needs of his new relationship. It sounds to me like they want child free weekends, and the kids are just being shoehorned in around that. Watch his actions, rather than his words, even if you're on good speaking terms. There's nothing you can do ultimately to make him prioritise your kids, you just need to sweep your side of the street and make sure theyr'e supported when they're with you. You can only do what you can do, unfortnately.

This, this, this.

Ex and new woman (I do wonder how ‘new’ given the speed…) are high in their own relationship and trying to force the kids into their vision of the world, come what may.

Men almost always prioritise their own needs / new relationship.

The woman’s boy is way ahead of your two in terms of his parents’ split. Yours are still getting used to that part of it. That’s what you ex needs to understand but probably won’t because he can’t see past his testosterone fest.

When I was 14 my sister who is 10 years older left her husband and came home and moved into my bedroom with her small son. I loved them but I hated it. The having my space invaded with absolutely 0% say in the matter. And they were family.

This poor lad is having a nightmare time. Why should his mum having s boyfriend mean he has to share his bedroom with two random stranger kids and at the pace it's happened. Sure he hates it and in turn your kids don't want to be arsed either.

Your ex and his gf are the ones lacking emotional maturity, not the 9 year old.

@PearlD

You're spot on! Thankfully they have a lovely supportive home here with me. I'm learning that I can't protect them from everything the world throws at them & maybe they will have to realise how selfish their dad is. It's such a shame as I have done so much to ensure they wouldn't think badly of him. They may eventually refuse to go to his house & if that is the case I can speak to a social worker for further advice. Thank you for your reply.

@Gilda152
That must have been so hard for you at 14. I totally agree, it's the adults who are more emotionally immature! However, it does appear that the 9 year old wants my children staying there when he's there. He seems fine with the arrangement.

@StrifeOfBath
Thanks for your reply. I am a bit surprised that he has greatly prioritised this new relationship over his children. From your comment it seems that this isn't surprising to you? That a lot of men do this? Personally, my kids come first, they are absolutely my top priority. So many have said it's because they will get a kid free weekend every other weekend.

[quote Fliss12345]@PearlD

You're spot on! Thankfully they have a lovely supportive home here with me. I'm learning that I can't protect them from everything the world throws at them & maybe they will have to realise how selfish their dad is. It's such a shame as I have done so much to ensure they wouldn't think badly of him. They may eventually refuse to go to his house & if that is the case I can speak to a social worker for further advice. Thank you for your reply.[/quote]
I bent over backwards to support DC relationship with their father at the start, and was really keen to be positive about him. I've come to realise that this probably isn't helpful for the kids and have started being a bit more neutral, and honest ie, I don't feel that dad made a great choice there, I'm sorry if that hurts, it's not your fault. Like you I feel I can't protect them from that reality forever, this is their lot, it's not perfect but it's as good as I can make it. He insists that DC are his priority, pats himself on the back for being a Good Dad despite his actions constantly telling a very different story. We aren't on good speaking terms, he's unable to take onboard anything I might bring up that contradicts his new reality. It's made very clear who is the priority in his new house, and it's certainly not DC. Kids aren't daft and they will start voting with their feet at some point.

This poor boy should not have to share his bedroom with random kids who he hardly knows. He's doing incredibly well to be graciously sharing his space and his toys with your children given he's probably used to having his own space. As an only child, he won't have experience living with other children so of course there are going to be issues - honestly, over-eager or 'attention-seeking' (as you term it) are better than downright hostile. He's doing great. The problem isn't him, it's the adults trying to force him to spend time with 2 kids who dislike him.

If I was his mum, I'd be inviting his own friends to play with him on weekends when your DC are there. Then your DC can just play by themselves or their dad can take them out.

Though tbh I wouldn't have moved 2 strange kids into my child's home in the first place. I'd be telling your DC's dad to sling his hook and house his own children.

@PearlD
You're obviously in a similar situation to me. It's a tricky one. I think you're right to be more neutral, we just can't protect them forever sadly. I like how you're explaining to your children in a very matter of fact manner. I'm going to have to try this approach myself. My ex husband also thinks he's an amazing dad with the kids as his first priority!

@3mealsaday
I'm not complaining about the 9 year olds behaviour, but rather at my ex husbands insistence of all the kids staying overnight together & pushing them into forming relationships with each other.
The poor boy as you say, actually wants my kids there. So on the weekend when he's at his mum's, he wants my kids there too. Is that perhaps even sadder than him sharing his space?

I agree that your ex is pushing the kids together too quickly. If he is insisting that the children 'integrate', then there have obviously been some issues.

Can he afford his own place if girlfriend chucks him out?

I wouldn't worry too much... if his girlfriend is concerned for her DS, chances are that the relationship isn't going to last and your DC won't have to see this boy for that much longer.

Id tell the children that its their dads time with them, and while you understand and sympathise, its not something you can do anything about.

Id then tell your ex that him forcing the issue is doing more harm than good and he needs to listen to what they are saying, or else theyll vote with their feet as soon as theyre old enough to do so, and surely noone wants that

It may also be that your DC are a bit of a novelty for this boy and, over time, he becomes less anxious to play with them and have them in his space as the novelty wears off.

Can I ask how your 10 year old daughter feels about sharing with a 9 year old boy? Could that be something to do with it?

@SportsMother

I wonder has the fiancée told him to sort it out or he’ll have to move out? Maybe your kids not going along is ruining his potential to cocklodge?

That's a bit much. What info do you have that he's a cocklodger?!

Hi, sounds like a lot of ex-wives have replied and fewer parents in post-divorce relationships. I am both, and my parents divorced when I was young (and had partners who moved in). The ex-husband did not 'move his kids in' to his girlfriends, they go every other weekend.

You say it's sad for the girlfriend's son to want to spend his weekends with your children rather than his mom, but a) she's there too, presumably, and b) he doesn't only see her on the weekends, he's there 50 percent of the time. Plus, I see nothing sad about wanting to play with other children.

No one has pointed out that OP's children may be acting up because the new boy sees their father more than they do now. This is probably an important factor that should be addressed, more than measuring and judging the timeline of all this. Even when it happens quickly, the cynics would be amazed how relaxed and fun a new family household can be for children, compared to weekends when you are collateral in your parents' miserable marriage. The same applies to room sharing, especially at their (still young enough) age. It's only a problem if people choose to make it a problem.
The couple is entitled to have a child-free weekend, it's one of the upsides to divorce, and doesn't make them monsters. Definitely brings out the green though in those who don't have them, married or otherwise. What would be great is for the dad to take his kids out and spend time with them alone when they're there, especially at first.
My guess is that criticisms of the GF's son are an easy outlet for resentment towards Dad for the changes.

@AubadeIsIt and even fewer ex husbands complaining that the mother of their children has set up a new life that doesn't put the kids first... I'm in a post divorce relationship with someone who appreciates that the kids come first, always, and that often means that what we might want takes a back seat, weekends "off", holidays, nights out, are not a priority if it means throwing the kids feelings under the bus.
It's not always about resentment, or being "green", rather a genuine wish for the kids to be shown that they matter and know they are loved through their parents choices, and not continually having to shield them from adults behaving like selfish teenagers because one parent can't see the wood for the new relationship trees