Kids dislike their dad's new girlfriends son. Help!

[Fliss12345]

Hi, this is my first time posting on this forum, so please excuse any errors. I am seeking advice as my two younger children do not enjoy staying at their dad’s house every other weekend, especially if his new girlfriend’s son is there. Here are the facts, any advice is greatly appreciated.

My ex husband left the family home in Feb 2021, we divorced in July 2021. In May 2021 he met a new girlfriend, in August 2021 he moved into her home 45 minutes drive away. Her 9 year old son resides there with her 50% of the time. The rest of the time he is with his biological dad.

My two youngest are a boy aged 8 & a girl aged 10. They see their dad once a week & stay overnight every other weekend. They are ok to stay the night but are very reluctant when her son is there too. I have tried to encourage them to like the boy but unfortunately they find him very attention seeking and emotionally immature.

My ex husband is determined that the kids should get along & is really pushing this. I would prefer a slower, more natural approach. As the boy only lives with them 50% of the time, it is possible for the kids to stay when he is not there. I think it’s more important that the kids get to spend quality time with their dad rather than share him with this other boy. Any experience, questions or opinions are very very welcome! Thanks in advance.

Unfortunately it seems quite normal that men prioritise there new relationship over there children.

It must be so hard for your children to see there Dad moving on so quickly with a new family.

My ex was exactly the same 18.5 years and he couldn’t wait to start a relationship with my friend who lived next door to me. He waited a whole 7 weeks and couldn’t understand why me and my 16 year old were so annoyed. He got on so well with her I mean my children already knew her.

My 16 year old has decided he wants nothing to do with him.

I think all you can do is support them, at least they will have one parent they can depend on and a home they feel comfortable in.

I wouldn’t be happy as a 10 year old girl having to share a room with my younger brothers, let alone a boy of nearly the same age who is basically a stranger. I wouldn’t let my daughter stay over at the house in these circumstances.

I agree with almost everyone that the children's wellbeing should be prioritised over the dad and new woman's desire for child free weekends.

One of my 12 year old students had to share a house with a boy in the year above.
She was terrified of him. He was sexually active and very aggressive.
The parents were completely oblivious to the effect he was having on this lovely girl.
Another example, 2 lovely children a boy and a girl (same year same school) hated each other because they had lost all their privacy.
Not the same situations I know but forcing intimacy on children isn't always a good thing.

@SportsMother

That's interesting that the son really likes your kids but they don't like him. I had been thinking that perhaps the son was upset/jealous, but it sounds like the problem is more on your children's side than his.

Funny, I had just assumed the Dad was lying because he thinks that’s what will soften up the kids.

Yup.

Dad has form for pushing his own agenda.
He has only thought of himself in this situation, not his children's wellbeing.

it does appear that the 9 year old wants my children staying there when he's there. He seems fine with the arrangement.

So says your DH, the accomplished liar.

PearlID everything youre saying resonates with me and my experiences with my ex and how he’s handling the new relationship which he constantly prioritises over our kids. What IS it with these dads? Can’t they see the damage they do?

If the kids don't like seeing other boy, and OP is uncomfortable with situation, then one solution is for them to not go, until dad sorts his shit out. Kids should always trump kid-free weekends, right?

Thank you for all of your comments, experience & wisdom. I spoke with him face to face on Tuesday & felt that the best decision was to see how it went this weekend with all the children. I did ask him if it was because they wanted kid free weekends, and I cannot rule out this possibility from his vague response. I agree with what most of you have said; selfish/too soon/not prioritising the children.
It was sad to read comments on children not feeling safe with their step siblings, but thankfully this is not the case in my situation.
So, tomorrow would have been the 'integrating', but 2 little lines on the kids lateral flows yesterday morning have put a stop to that. They are both feeling great but they will not see their dad this weekend.