When is an affair the real thing?

[Mummywifey]

I ask because I have been lurking on here for a long time…looking for answers/similar stories to the situation I find myself in.

What I notice is that without exception (that I have seen so far) is that affairs are referred to “mistakes”, dismissed as fantasy, passed off as love bombing and always doomed to fail long term.

I know that in real life some people do meet new partners while married or in relationships and go on to have happy futures together.

So when is an affair not a mistake? Or in what situation may it be accepted as a happy ending?.

I’m not questioning the fact that affairs are morally wrong - the deception and lying are wrong and unkind. In some marriages I am sure one or both partners are unhappy and only gain the courage to leave when someone else gives them the hope. But is it a tiny proportion of affairs that end up being true love or…..?

Really only pondering the subject and don’t wish to be bashed for it…would just be interested to hear varying perspectives.

Thank You Wookie, but there is no need Baws and I have locked horns a few times on MN.

But you are right no one needs to justify their pain and hurt on here, hurt that for quite a few years I was too embarrased to admit. Time makes you stronger but I really don't like people using patronising language for others to read whilst on their journey of healing.

Minimising other's pain is cruel and can set the betrayed back, whether you decide to stay or leave, it's a hard journey.

But if it makes it any clearer Baws, my h was not unhappy till he met the ow, this woman had an agenda that involved not only my h but my family.

He became nasty towards me, nothing unusual there from someone who is hell bent on lapping up some attention from an ow. The problem was that I found out, and him being a narcisist decided he wanted to control the situation.
He wasn't ready to give up the adulation of the ow but nor did he want our union to end. He would neither stop seeing her or allow me to move on, he wanted both at the same time, for me to pretend it wasn't happening.

When I went to a lawyer, he snapped and I ended up in A and E with a fracture. Police and restraining orders, it was horrendous a time I will never forget or get over and so can empathise with the many varied and appaling endings of marriages on here.
He became a complete stranger to me, I would have never imagined it in a million years, but there you go.

Affairs are all different, endings are all different but because one person has coped well with betrayal does not mean you can assume everyone should or can.

Affairs often involve abuse, physical and mental abuse that to state "stop being bitter" is just so insulting and for many women.

You have yours views Baws and `I respect that, but if you could just adjust some of the victim blaming language that would be appreciated.

@Mummywifey

I ask because I have been lurking on here for a long time…looking for answers/similar stories to the situation I find myself in.

What I notice is that without exception (that I have seen so far) is that affairs are referred to “mistakes”, dismissed as fantasy, passed off as love bombing and always doomed to fail long term.

I know that in real life some people do meet new partners while married or in relationships and go on to have happy futures together.

So when is an affair not a mistake? Or in what situation may it be accepted as a happy ending?.

I’m not questioning the fact that affairs are morally wrong - the deception and lying are wrong and unkind. In some marriages I am sure one or both partners are unhappy and only gain the courage to leave when someone else gives them the hope. But is it a tiny proportion of affairs that end up being true love or…..?

Really only pondering the subject and don’t wish to be bashed for it…would just be interested to hear varying perspectives.

I'm married to my "emotional affair" and we've been married 13 years, together 15.

I was in an unhappy, sexually and emotionally abusive, relationship. I had tried to address leaving in a safe way after my exes bad reaction to me suggesting we break lease to "save money". The safe way being only when he'd bring up moving again I'd suggest a 6 month lease, my plan being to pack up my stuff and... just not move in with him. He was still in school and was leaving for med school in another State and "we had to break up" because I couldn't leave the State (and I think he didn't want me to either so that helped).

What helped me get through the months before he was left was playing this online game. I wasn't supposed to though, I had to play in secret because "if you're playing it , I'll want to play it and I'll get addicted". Anyway, that's where I met my now husband. He lived in another country and he and I talked via the game, and via e-mail and Hotmail messenger (ahh the memories!), & video chat.

We talked like we were in a real relationship, & sent gifts to each other. My family sort of knew about him (my sister was pissed about it, validly, because I was emotionally cheating), some of my friends did, and most people knew I was leaving my ex, plans in motions etc (that makes a difference to me, I was already planning on leaving, just trying to figure out how to do it safely). I think if he was in the same town/country I would have felt braver about leaving my ex, I think he would have helped. I'm not sure I told him all the details about what went on in my former relationship, but he knew enough.

So... in my opinion whether it's real or not depends on the intent and actions of both the parties. Are they being real about everything to their AP? Yes they're lying to their spouse but is the "other relationship" real? Because if you're dating someone as if you are single (giving them, essentially, all of you) then imo it's real. It's selfish and you should be planning to leave and do so ASAP, otherwise you're just being a dick.

@Thewookiemustgo
You’re probably not aware that @Onthedunes is thoroughly unpleasant towards me and others on here so my tolerance is low. I find them judgemental and unwilling to accept that others have an opinion I have had to report them in the past and have their posts deleted as they were so unpleasant. As you said, you can’t judge without knowing the situation and I understand that you wouldn’t have known that.

@Baws I totally respect your opinion and you are right, I don’t know the history and it’s also none of my business what it was. I just take as I find on here and in response to me @Onthedunes has only ever been fair, expressed herself honestly and been kind to me in the past, despite differing with me on some viewpoints which had the potential to get heated. That’s the only reason I responded as I did. This genuinely isn’t intended as a riposte, just my reasons for responding as I did.

@Baws

Tolerance, yes I,ve seen your tolerance, like when you said all Christians are tossers and Religion is a rediculous concept.

You attack posters personally if they disagree with you to get them to back down, I don't mind discussion and argument but you always resort to this.

I have had to report them in the past and have their posts deleted as they were so unpleasant

This is news to me.

Anyway I think it's best if we stop derailing the thread about how posters deal with affairs, I obviously don't like them and you seem to like them as you constantly defend them, even though you have been the victim.

Yes you are very tolerant.

So when people say "just leave" how easy is that really though?
I tried to make it as easy as possible for my exh. I thought he was just flirting with his OW, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered, but as it was, I asked him very, very nicely if he wanted us to separate. I was so relieved when he eventually said "yes", as it would put an end to all the mind games and unvertainty. Then five minutes later, he said that no, actually, he didn't want to separate; he didn't know what he wanted.
So I had to make the decision alone. I asked him to move out.
He agreed to go, but then stayed. I said that if he wouldn't go, I would leave instead and started looking for a place to stay with the kids. He accused me of being heartless by taking the children from their familiar home. I felt bad and stayed, but still on condition that he left. He claimed to be looking for a nice place to live, and stayed. I had to clean up after him (or live with his mess), watch him go out every morning in a cloud of aftershave not intended for me, sleep on a mattress in my work room and spend my evenings there as he sat watcing TV in the living room.
In the end it was only after I found his email password and all the details of his affair, and stopped making it as easy as possible for him, that he finally left.

So yes, leaving can be hard. Evidently.

I know ... plenty of betrayed spouses who were glad to be rid of their ex and are now happy in new relationships
I'm happy in my new relationship. I wasn't "glad" to be rid of my ex, but I'd never thought he was chained to me, and knew I'd be able to live without him. So I was OK with us breaking up.
What I didn't like was the way he did it. Telling his affair partner lies about me, making a fool of me and the children and doing so openly and blatantly, knowing that we couldn't prove what he was doing.

I have friends who have gone about their affairs in different ways, that I can sympathise with and understand. I agree that the cheated-on person is not always some poor little abandoned figure left to mourn forever. But some cheats get so caught up in the excitement and adoration that they can honestly be right little shits. "All cheats are bastards" is too general, but I don't feel that comments à la "Well, you never really know" or "There's two sides to every story" really do all of them justice either.

My mum left my dad because he was having an affair. He married OW, who became my step-mum, and they have been married for 45 years.

He never stopped cheating. Every couple of years there would be someone new, usually when the OW realised his promises to leave would never happen. Mostly my step-mum has been aware, other times he managed to keep it quiet.

He hasn't ever stopped and is still carrying on even though she's really ill and he's her carer. Makes me feel ill thinking about it.

Thankyou to everyone for thoughtful and considered replies. I wasn’t expecting a definitive answer but it’s clear that there are certainly some authentic relationships born from an affair, and inevitably some which don’t stay the distance. Much as any other relationship I guess.

It was more the consistent narrative of “it’s a mistake” that interested me. I wonder how many people would admit to regretting leaving their partner for an AP?

My BIL was married with teenage children. He’d been married for over 20 years then had an affair with a woman who was over 20 years younger then him. She had three very young children. BIL left wife and set up home with this new woman who is silly immature and behaves like the cat that got the cream. She posts all over social media what an amazing fantastic partner he is and what a fantastic father figure he is to her young children. It’s gross. They look like father and daughter.
In the mean time his own children will now having nothing to do with him because of how poorly and deceitfully he treated their mother.
This new woman is forever trumpeting about BIL. I don’t know if she even knows about all the affairs he had during his marriage. He’s no prize that’s for sure.
In the meantime me and DH have to pretend we like her. It’s not good. We feel so sorry for the ex wife and their children.
Affairs are horrible and the fall out can go on for years.