When is an affair the real thing?

[Mummywifey]

I ask because I have been lurking on here for a long time…looking for answers/similar stories to the situation I find myself in.

What I notice is that without exception (that I have seen so far) is that affairs are referred to “mistakes”, dismissed as fantasy, passed off as love bombing and always doomed to fail long term.

I know that in real life some people do meet new partners while married or in relationships and go on to have happy futures together.

So when is an affair not a mistake? Or in what situation may it be accepted as a happy ending?.

I’m not questioning the fact that affairs are morally wrong - the deception and lying are wrong and unkind. In some marriages I am sure one or both partners are unhappy and only gain the courage to leave when someone else gives them the hope. But is it a tiny proportion of affairs that end up being true love or…..?

Really only pondering the subject and don’t wish to be bashed for it…would just be interested to hear varying perspectives.

My current relationship started as an affair. I didn't know he was married for several months into the relationship. Once it came out, we stayed together a short while but I couldn't continue. We split and following that, he left his wife.

We are now back together as he lives alone and is divorcing.

Strangely although his wife knew about me at the time, she didn't/doesn't want a divorce hence the time it is taking.

I can't say if it will last the distance but we are certainly in love in the same way I have been in other relationships so the feelings are valid.

I know of people in 20 year relationships that started as affairs. Blissfully happy.
If you have chemistry, you have chemistry.
I can hand on my heart say that I have truly loved just 2 people and I've had 5 LTRs. (The relationship I'm in now and my late partner)
I can't help thinking that a lot of the "black and white" posters have never felt that.
I'm kind of gutted I didn't get together with my current boyfriend when we met decades ago. We were an affair in the end. Unfortunately we are getting on a bit now

Started seeing someone whilst I was living and in a relationship with someone else. I left as I knew I didn't love them anymore if I could cheat on them. 10 years later, I am married to my affair partner, 2 children and very much still in love

Mine wasn't a mistake. It started out as a long distance communication with an old friend who'd contacted me. Soon became serious (after about a month of talking online every day). For the next eight months we were in a serious relationship - I'd say that the change came when we started making plans for the future.

After nine months we both told our spouses about the relationship and moved out of the marital homes . We got together in person just after that , and then we both started the divorce process with our respective spouses.

We've been together for 18 years, and married for 14 years. The idea that affairs can never be "the real thing" is not correct. Every situation is different imho.

My dad is still with the person he had an affair with 30 years ago. It worked out well for him. Rubbish for my mum.

I think lots of people who have affairs pretend that there relationship is a love story and they're so besotted with each other there couldn't be any other possible option when ultimately they were just shagging around and got lucky.

People don’t want to hear about “happy ever afters” for couples who have affairs. They must be single and punished and end up in squalid bed-sits. My DM had an affair with my step-dad and was married to him until his death - far longer than the marriage with my dad. My dad went on to re-marry and is still with his second wife. Other people I suspect were having affairs have gone on to marry the APs and seem outwardly very happy. ( one has just married AP). I’ve no reason to believe they’re faking anything. Like any relationship some may be successful and some may not be.

I think maybe the reason second marriages fail more is people are less willing to put up with bad behaviour/unhappiness having already been through divorce once.
Personally I don't judge people who have affairs unless they are serial shaggers. Life is complicated, relationships are hard and I think "exit affairs" are more common than people realise. It is a very strong person who walks away from a marriage (especially with children) because irs just not working. There is so much pressure to stay and fix it. An affair basically gives a valid reason to leave to the person involved. Its not a good thing but I think it's pretty common.

Also, of course many relationships that start with an affair end. Most relationships do, it's only a tiny number that end in one partner dying . This idea that affairs are intrinsically doomed is all tied into moral judgement around affairs

An affair is a ‘relationship’ of sorts with mutual attraction, therefore some will succeed and some will fail. Statistically (I don’t have a link but a quick Google will give you the stats) relationships that started as affairs have a high failure risk. Some succeed, more don’t.
It is tempting for those in relationships who started out as an affair to hope/ believe that their relationship will obviously work out, because the AP’s primary relationship was allegedly ‘dead’. It is equally tempting for betrayed partners to believe and hope that all affair relationships are doomed, because the betrayal destroyed them and in their eyes the perpetrators don’t deserve a happy ending. It makes life easier to understand if the ‘goodies’ win and the ‘baddies’ lose. We feel satisfied with those outcomes in movies and on tv and it is rare that the bad guy wins in fiction of any kind, because movie makers/ novelists know that the majority of people like a fair ending without the feeling that bad behaviour ever pays. Real life, however, isn’t fair.
It is tempting for APs to believe that their OM or OW must obviously have a decent justification for cheating, just as it is tempting for betrayed partners to see OW/ OM as the seducing devil incarnate. It’s human nature, we like justice to be done. If we behave badly, we like to justify it to avoid guilt and keep our reputation. If we’re treated badly, we like to vilify, and see those who treat us badly receive consequences. Life would be much easier if it was that black and white and simple and always followed the karma ‘rules’. It isn’t and it doesn’t.
Right or wrong is always pretty simple though.
Whilst affairs are always wrong, no exception, no excuses, the reality of it is that life isn’t fair and some will fail and some succeed.

I have a couple of friends who have been married for many years to people who were with someone else when their relationship started. In one case it was well know amongst our friends that the marriage was unhappy for ages, but my friend seemed terrified of being single so only officially ended it when she found someone else. In the other case, my friend was single and bumped in to a male friend that she hadn't seen for years and there was a mutual attraction. He was living with a long term girlfriend who he split with relatively quickly- but not before several weekends spent with my friend when his gf thought he was visiting a sick relative.

In both these cases, the previous relationship was ended within a few months of the new one starting (it wasn't just that the other partner found out). However, if I were in their shoes I would always wonder if I'd also be cheated on if someone better came along. I've also been surprised at how the friends and family of the cheater in the second example acted as though the previous gf (who he had been with for around 5 years) had never existed.

It's difficult to see many 'positive' outcomes of affairs, but one example is my grandparents.

Both married very young (19 and 20) - my gran only because she fell pregnant, and it was what was done in those days, the early 60s. My grandad was in an unhappy marriage and in this day and age they'd have separated but, again, it was different back then.

They ended up having an affair when they were 29 and 30. Both left their partners. It wasn't easy, but they've been together ever since and they're now 80 and 81. They're the perfect couple. They've been the best grandparents in the world (and my grandad in particular as he is only my mum's stepdad, so he absolutely didn't have to be a grandad to us if he didn't want to).

I love them both to bits and am so grateful that they are together and happy.

I know a woman who left her husband for the Other Man, and they are happily married and still together more than 30 years later. Her ex went on to marry again, and they're still very happy more than 20 years on.

Born second marriages have now far outlasted the first, and it's hard to imagine the original husband and wife together, they're so different.

I would suggest that loads of people are in unhappy marriages. And people are just human.

There is no such thing as the perfect partner and anyone who thinks so is deluded. Someone will always have some better qualities than your current husband/wife etc.

So when is an affair not a mistake? Or in what situation may it be accepted as a happy ending?

I don’t think I could ever see it as a happy ending tbh. Even if the cheater and OW/OM end up happy together, there’s still a very hurt ex partner who was lied to and often feels they have been a made a fool of by the affair. And if there are children then that ex partner and the new couple are going to need to keep seeing each other.

There was another thread on here recently about what happens when the other woman gets her man. Lots of them do have good relationships it just doesn’t fit with popular narrative

I love reading all your responses.

What about the OM? Lots of talk of the OW, but how are OM men perceived?

I feel that OW are portrayed as the evil husband stealer, which in some cases I am sure is not far off - some women (and men of course too), can set their sights on someone and be determined to bag their man/woman. What are your experiences of the OM?

I don't know many people who have been the AP - or if they were they haven't told me. So my experience of being the OM in an emotional affair that became a marriage that has now failed is that I was seen as a home wrecker and selfish and by some as loathsome. Some friends stayed with me, most left in judgment. My family (basically my Dad) was OK with me but he was the OM too (and likely slept around a lot when married to my mum). My AP's family basically disliked to hated me and never changed their opinion - even though they know my AP was very unhappy in her marriage, They weren't big on her happiness but very big on presenting happy families to the world.

All the pressure actually kept me and my AP together in a sort of "fuck the lot of you" position. We were right to end our marriages and the em affair was an exit affair on both sides. We should have ended without an affair of course but we weren't strong enough to consider leaving to be single. Doing that is very hard.

Then maybe we could have dated and seen what happened. Although I'm not keen on "if only I'd done X instead of Y then my life would have been non stop unicorns and rainbows". Maybe if we'd not had the affair I'd have been hit by a car whilst running. Who knows.

This time I am ending without an affair. No lies to my friends, my still in some ways DW, my grown up children. In many ways it is more painful, no affair distractor, no adrenaline rushes and dopamine hits from texts or secret meets to talk and I have to face the possibly that I'll be alone. On the other hand if I ever date again I'll be able to tell a friend, not have to lie to anyone, not take someone to dinner or a movie and fear being spotted. Which seems a nice idea to me.

And I absolutely get that some affairs lead to happy ever afters. Mine didn't but it did lead to a long but troubled marriage as I described above. Which also had good parts. Just not enough to keep it alive now.

I've seen a couple of affair situations, I dunno I think that if DP left for someone he truly felt was his soulmate it would possibly be easier to pick up the pieces than my life, our family, our shared memories to be blown apart for bit on the side he didn't have feelings for.

A relative's marriage imploded due to a meaningless one night stand. I just thought...how pointless and probably not even a decent shag out of it. Everyone came out of it destroyed and miserable.

Of course everyone knows someone who has had an affair and gone on for them to be a couple, like people say they are only relationships.

Some succeed, some don't.

The only problem is the rubble left behind, the hurt betrayed partner, the guilt, the loss of relationship with children who feel betrayed.
The PIL relationships that once were bound together that further encased the children's stability with extended family.

The resulting problems with step parents, the parenting of children with step children and lack of vision as to how it affects their future.

There are so many reasons why one relationship breaks up and another starts but the beggining of a relationship and how it began is a good indicator of how that person operates with the peramiter of their life and their moral compass.

Oh it happened but I didn't mean it to happen is not an excuse.
I fell out of love is not an excuse.
I wasn't looking is not an excuse.

If you are with someone and you meet another who you are attracted to, if you are in a relationship, especially with children you have an expectation to shut a close communiccation down, everybody knows how it goes.

It's not a fair starting point, to line another person up whilst the other believes you still like or love them.
I's like starting a race and having a half an hour start on the other.

Basically unfair, but at least you have shown your true colours in that you are the sort of person that would disrupt, tear down and destroy everthing arround you for your own pleasure on this earth and fuck the consequenses.

Be more honest, don't have an affair whilst with someone and realise that your lack of honesty is probably the reason why your original relationship was turned into shit.

@Drinkingallthewine

I've seen a couple of affair situations, I dunno I think that if DP left for someone he truly felt was his soulmate it would possibly be easier to pick up the pieces than my life, our family, our shared memories to be blown apart for bit on the side he didn't have feelings for.

A relative's marriage imploded due to a meaningless one night stand. I just thought...how pointless and probably not even a decent shag out of it. Everyone came out of it destroyed and miserable.

My friend felt it would be easier on their DP to leave for a soulmate rather than for no particular reason - so yes I get that.

My own experience was that my DP had an affair which would never have gone anywhere and so I wasn't prepared to end our family for that.

From amongst my friends/ acquaintances I’ve only ever known women who have openly admitted to being the OW who left to be with their OM or were single and had a relationship with a married man which became ‘official’. The ones who are now with their OM have all said exactly the same thing. Not one of them deviated from this script. No mention of the thrill, level of deception or behaviour involved, only a massive list of the same justifications: His/ their marriage was dead, his wife was / is basically evil, their ex-husband was/ is awful/ didn’t care, they are soulmates who ‘saved’ each other and are deliriously happy was the gist. And all bar one said that everyone’s children are happy, stable and settled. Nobody except one admitted that it was really difficult initially and the eldest children still did not speak to her or their dad. I suspect not all of this is true in all cases, however.
I also know still married women who have had brief affairs/ flings or whatever you want to call them, who just wanted the thrill or to know they were still desirable. They had no wish to ‘get their man’, they just wanted the secret thrill, no strings sex and never gave a thought to the wives or partners of the OM. They all said the same thing too, but differed in that they owned their bad behaviour and didn’t try to justify it. The narrative seems to depend (in my limited experience) on whether the OW has become the new wife/partner or was just pursuing ‘fun’. One is all about justifying it and the other admits their behaviour was dreadful and honest about what they wanted out of it. Shitshow of epic proportions at least initially to all concerned whichever route they took. Interesting that the responses on each side of the coin were so similar though. Weirdly a while back, the mum of a friend of one of my kids, who I’d literally only just met, felt the need as we introduced ourselves and talked about our families/ kids, to tell me everything about her marriage starting as the OW. 🙈 It was massive over-sharing and soooo uncomfortable. We had just met. First ever conversation! 🙈 It was like the guilt was still there. I had no idea that it was her second marriage and certainly didn’t need to know why. I bit my tongue. Ugh.
The men in these circumstances just don’t seem to want to talk about it and as it’s the last thing you’d bring up in any conversation, especially if it was a recent event, it’s usually the huge stinking elephant in the room anyway, so maybe they don’t feel the need to say anything. They seemed to have put it behind them and never alluded to it. Depressing come to think of it how many people I know who are the victims/ perpetrators of infidelity.

People don't always have affairs because they Are unhappy. Sometimes it's because they can, the chance is there and they love the thril of it all etc.

@Thewookiemustgo

From amongst my friends/ acquaintances I’ve only ever known women who have openly admitted to being the OW who left to be with their OM or were single and had a relationship with a married man which became ‘official’. The ones who are now with their OM have all said exactly the same thing. Not one of them deviated from this script. No mention of the thrill, level of deception or behaviour involved, only a massive list of the same justifications: His/ their marriage was dead, his wife was / is basically evil, their ex-husband was/ is awful/ didn’t care, they are soulmates who ‘saved’ each other and are deliriously happy was the gist. And all bar one said that everyone’s children are happy, stable and settled. Nobody except one admitted that it was really difficult initially and the eldest children still did not speak to her or their dad. I suspect not all of this is true in all cases, however. I also know still married women who have had brief affairs/ flings or whatever you want to call them, who just wanted the thrill or to know they were still desirable. They had no wish to ‘get their man’, they just wanted the secret thrill, no strings sex and never gave a thought to the wives or partners of the OM. They all said the same thing too, but differed in that they owned their bad behaviour and didn’t try to justify it. The narrative seems to depend (in my limited experience) on whether the OW has become the new wife/partner or was just pursuing ‘fun’. One is all about justifying it and the other admits their behaviour was dreadful and honest about what they wanted out of it. Shitshow of epic proportions at least initially to all concerned whichever route they took. Interesting that the responses on each side of the coin were so similar though. Weirdly a while back, the mum of a friend of one of my kids, who I’d literally only just met, felt the need as we introduced ourselves and talked about our families/ kids, to tell me everything about her marriage starting as the OW. 🙈 It was massive over-sharing and soooo uncomfortable. We had just met. First ever conversation! 🙈 It was like the guilt was still there. I had no idea that it was her second marriage and certainly didn’t need to know why. I bit my tongue. Ugh. The men in these circumstances just don’t seem to want to talk about it and as it’s the last thing you’d bring up in any conversation, especially if it was a recent event, it’s usually the huge stinking elephant in the room anyway, so maybe they don’t feel the need to say anything. They seemed to have put it behind them and never alluded to it. Depressing come to think of it how many people I know who are the victims/ perpetrators of infidelity.

Do you think their stories are not true and trying to save face?

@Mummywifey

I love reading all your responses.

What about the OM? Lots of talk of the OW, but how are OM men perceived?

I feel that OW are portrayed as the evil husband stealer, which in some cases I am sure is not far off - some women (and men of course too), can set their sights on someone and be determined to bag their man/woman. What are your experiences of the OM?

They can be as determined as they like. Short of kidnapping, you can't steal a person.

Years ago, before we were engaged, a woman we knew made a play for my now husband, then boyfriend. Didn't work.

I struggle to see why you can't see the difference between pursuing a romantic relationship whilst single against whilst married or long-term committed.

When you have an affair you are breaking a promise, either just made to each other or legally in front of witnesses. It involves a betrayal and usually lying and deceit that is just not necessary if you are single. That means by having an affair you are someone who morally is okay with doing that to someone else. Whilst it clearly is fairly common human behaviour and you can try and justify it by claiming something about inertia in unhappy relationships, it is a statement about your character that will lead you to being judged by others and damage relationships around you.

My ex cheated on me, we tried to reconcile, failed and divorced. The fact that he cheated, not the fact that we divorced was what cost him some relationships completely and damaged others. He was obviously not happy in our relationship and he could have just left me with much less fall out than having an affair.