When is an affair the real thing?

[Mummywifey]

I ask because I have been lurking on here for a long time…looking for answers/similar stories to the situation I find myself in.

What I notice is that without exception (that I have seen so far) is that affairs are referred to “mistakes”, dismissed as fantasy, passed off as love bombing and always doomed to fail long term.

I know that in real life some people do meet new partners while married or in relationships and go on to have happy futures together.

So when is an affair not a mistake? Or in what situation may it be accepted as a happy ending?.

I’m not questioning the fact that affairs are morally wrong - the deception and lying are wrong and unkind. In some marriages I am sure one or both partners are unhappy and only gain the courage to leave when someone else gives them the hope. But is it a tiny proportion of affairs that end up being true love or…..?

Really only pondering the subject and don’t wish to be bashed for it…would just be interested to hear varying perspectives.

@Eleganz did you consider that it’s not easy to be the person to leave? That you can stay somewhere for other people or for the sake of not rocking the boat for too long. Yes you should leave first but I can see how overlap happens and I think it does more than people admit

I married my affair partner.

It was not a nice situation at the time.

I was married, DH was engaged. We met at work and sat next to each other.

We fell in love, and after 3 months we both left our partners to be with each other. No kids involved.

It hurt a lot of people and I lost a lot of friends, but not the ones who matter (well, some).

We moved in together after about 2 months.

We have been together for 10 years now, married for 5 and we have 2 DC.

I was told I would never have children so it was a very pleasant surprise, both times.

EX-DH met some one else and was married again pretty quickly, he’s happy. He never didn’t anything wrong, I just met someone who did it more right.

I've known a few women who started their relationships by an affair.

Mostly denied it but quite apparent to everyone the overlap was there. Nobody ever blurts out what they are thinking but it almost like when you speak to these women and they meet people for the first time, you know the lie exists and then the eye roll and then the feeling that is anything they say quite believable or truthful.

It kind of jades you against them and future conversations as there is that large elephant in the room where nobody can go there or talk about it, not that you want to but it means you feel unable to know someone fully.

I think I'm trying to say I would feel wary of the depth of friendship possible.

For instance there was one woman I knew, who lied about the affair being the beggining of the relationship with her husband yet everyone knew his ex wife had tried to commit suiside and had never remarried, she was heartbroken. The step children hated her but she seemed oblivious to it.

I don't think I could personally want a man with that much destruction going on in the background and be truly happy, my concience just couldn't handle it.

Two people with no functioning moral compass getting together? Aye, that'll work out well.

No-one has to cheat. A lack of spine is no excuse.

I speak as someone who had an affair. One - because I realised what a fucking arsehole it made me, that I could do that to another person. However much I may not have liked him at the time. I quickly confessed; and I broke my boyfriend, The only good thing to come out of it is that I am now a person who would never have an affair.

I don't want to hurt people by being a deceitful, betraying liar. And I don't understand how people can justify it to themselves.

I do think some affair situations are far worse than others, for example the age of the married couple when it happens and whether there are children involved.

@Freedom22
Yes I agree it must be hard to leave a marriage if you have been together a long time, there are children involved and you have a concience.
Guilt is a horrible thing to live with.

From what I have seen in many affairs that go on to the affair couple living together there seems to be a trading up or down of some sort.

The men seemingly trade up and the women trade down on the whole.

@Onthedunes that’s intereating, why do you think the women trade down?

*interesting

[quote Freedom22]@Onthedunes that’s intereating, why do you think the women trade down?[/quote]
Well.....

Sometimes it's an age thing where older men think they are getting a younger body, not necessarily more attractive in that case just younger, so obviously the women in that case trade down as they can end up with a decrepit old body of a man but they feel idolised and it may also be financially rewarding.

And sometimes I've seen women who had previously lived with bastards or maybe just didn't get their own way so much in the first relationship so then had an affair with someone decidely less attractive but more attentative, someone who puts them on a pedastal so to speak.

Their original choice(the women) years before would not have seen the affair partner as even a contender to have children by as they would have been deemed too unatractive to have children with.

That sounds nasty but in terms of evolution, many of these second, cuckholded husbands wouldn't have stood a chance before kids.

If someone is having an affair then the most pertinent bit of information they have about their partner is that they’re dishonest.

You can see why that kind of makes the relationship fundamentally different from one started when both parties are single and don’t have the knowledge that they’re with someone who is willing and able to lie to their partner.

@Notsuchaniceguy

My marriage, born of an affair is ending after we have been together for coming up on 15 years. Why? We went from emotional affair to separate rooms in our marital homes to living together across less than a year. And for a long time it sort of worked. But we never got to know each other the right way, and were never in a situation to stop the relationship before it was too deep. The things that irritated us and should have Ben deal breakers were discovered after we had a home, not before.

Add to that the knowledge that we both were untrustworthy ate away at us. And the poor kids we had from our first marriages were thrust upon each other and us in this new home. And our ex partners hated us for many years. And who can blame them. It made for a lot of stress. Which we deflected by overspending and avoidance. Only now, kids grown (we never had any between us) and arguably 'stability' can we see how unstable it was. But living in perpetual crisis and trying to prove the doubters wrong is no way to live.

In my current separation we are amicable. I'm in the spare room but we can try to disentangle this as painlessly as possible. New partners may come but we are agreed, no dating whilst we share a roof. Been there, done it (if meeting in secret during the affair and then in semi secret once it broke is a date) and it was shitty behaviour because it hurt our exes badly.

I'm not saying affairs can't mean happy ever afters but my example is probably text book for why the second marriage/LTR fails.

Would you say that possibly you stayed together even longer than you should have because it was an affair and there was a part of you that felt it had to be worth it all?

Been married for 25 years to the love of my life. I met him whilst with my then fiancé.
Yes, an ‘affair’ developed (met in work) but I very quickly realised I was with the wrong man.
I left the fiancé one day and loved straight in with my now husband. I’ve honestly never looked back and although it was painful for my fiancé at the time why should I have stayed to remain miserable all these years?
We’ve had two beautiful children and are as happy as we were one day one.
Sorry if it doesn’t fit the narrative but it is what it is!

@WingBingo

I married my affair partner.

It was not a nice situation at the time.

I was married, DH was engaged. We met at work and sat next to each other.

We fell in love, and after 3 months we both left our partners to be with each other. No kids involved.

It hurt a lot of people and I lost a lot of friends, but not the ones who matter (well, some).

We moved in together after about 2 months.

We have been together for 10 years now, married for 5 and we have 2 DC.

I was told I would never have children so it was a very pleasant surprise, both times.

EX-DH met some one else and was married again pretty quickly, he’s happy. He never didn’t anything wrong, I just met someone who did it more right.

What would happen if you met someone who did it even more right ?

It probably doesn't work out for the majority.

Since people live for so long these days, maybe expecting a relationship to last forever is unrealistic.

I'd rather have 3 good 10 year relationships than 1 25 year one where the first 5 years were good and the rest were shite.

Instead of cheating as a way out, people can decide to leave when they realise they can't see themselves in the relationship another 5, 10 years or so.

It would take a lot of honesty to live that way though.

@Mumoblue

Yes it's dishonest but the reality of of it with affairs that go onto living together is that the party who ups and leaves decidedly thinks they are getting a better deal in one way or another.

It's about reducing a life into materialism, usefulness, and youth, usually.

It's not about love and never was, a person who is capable of upending everybodies life was never really capable of true love I suppose and doubt they ever could be capable.

Many would disagree but to harm someone by lies and deceit takes a certain kind of person lacking in empathy and concience. I would challenge that if a person was capable of such hurt that they could not really ever be in love, it's just about their own wants and needs.

I suppose it's about the definition of love.

@Digforbritain

You were not married, you didn't have children and by the sounds of it you were young.

I think you were still dating to be honest, maybe you lived together and yes to have an affair is bad but as I said some affairs I believe are not as bad, you never signed a contract.

I have now been with my 'Affair Partner' for 8 years, which is longer than my marriage lasted. We have 2 DC and while I get annoyed when I trip over his shoes that he hasn't put away for the millionth time. We are genuinely happy.

My ExH was controlling and emotionally abusive but I didnt realise it only meeting my DP gave me the strength to leave. I was the 'bad guy' for a long time. But now my ExH family dont speak to him and have realised what a horrible abusive person he is and have even apologised to me.

We were wrong to have an affair, I regret that is how our relationship started and mabye the trust isnt the same as if the relationship started 'normally'. But life isnt black and white.

So many black and white responses here. My ex was an abusive arshole but I was too scared to leave. I met my current husband - we had a brief affair, and I knew it wasn’t a mistake because a) gave me the strength to leave and b) because I knew that I didn’t want to settle for less. We adore each other and have a child. I couldn’t care less if my ex had a bit of a rough time

@Nichebitch

So many black and white responses here. My ex was an abusive arshole but I was too scared to leave. I met my current husband - we had a brief affair, and I knew it wasn’t a mistake because a) gave me the strength to leave and b) because I knew that I didn’t want to settle for less. We adore each other and have a child. I couldn’t care less if my ex had a bit of a rough time

The love/affair dichotomy is black and white though.

You can either have pure love, or you can have an affair.

Regardless of the circumstances, when a person enters into an affair, they make the choice to enter into the affair. There is always the alternative option.

We were due to marry in 2 months and had lived together 7 years so yes, we may have well have been married. Sometimes you are with people that you shouldnt be though so why shouldn’t you leave? As long as you do it as kindly as possible. I didn’t stitch up my fiancé financially, I tried to make it as easy in him as possible. I know it was awful for him but why should I have stayed all my life when I want happy.
It can happen at any time of life. It’s not nice for the person left behind I agree though.

@Digforbritain

Do you think it would make it more understandable if your husband decided he did not want to stay with you for the rest of his life?

Could you cope with being left behind ?

I’d have to, he has choice just the same. No one should stay with someone they don’t want to be with to save their feelings.

So many previous cheaters who think that now they are married they are the real thing and genuinely happy etc. Fingers crossed it doesn't happen to you. Never say never.

I am the product of an affair that turned into a 45 year marriage. Based on an n of 1 I would say:

a) it’s not automatically true that relationships that began as affairs can’t last (as people would have you believe here)
b) BUT affairs do destroy a lots of trust. My mum never fully trusted my dad (and she was right). He loved her and they remained together but the paranoia was massively damaging to her. Worse still to the two sons he left from his first marriage.

I have to say I don’t think the answer is doggedly hanging onto a dead marriage. I think it’s being more honest, much earlier, when you know your marriage isn’t working.

You can either have pure love, or you can have an affair.

What do you mean?

@Mumoblue

If someone is having an affair then the most pertinent bit of information they have about their partner is that they’re dishonest.

You can see why that kind of makes the relationship fundamentally different from one started when both parties are single and don’t have the knowledge that they’re with someone who is willing and able to lie to their partner.

To tell you the truth if I was an ow then I don't think I could cope with sharing my new lover with his wife.

There are lies, you have no idea whether he is in the other bedroom, no idea if he is whispering sweet nothings in his wife's ear.

The sharing goes both ways, why do ow want to share ?

I never wanted to share my husband's mind or his body.
Why do some women not care about that aspect ?

Once that sharing took place it was over for me.