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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Embarrassing mistake with my name

101 replies

TheIdiot7 · 10/01/2022 19:03

I feel like an absolute idiot. I am an idiot. And this was childish..

But when I met a man at a pub, I gave a fake name. I just made something easy up on the spot, thinking the conversation would last 5 mins and that would be that.

My actual name is boring, old fashioned and a bit embarrassing. So I have occasionally just made something better up if it's a situation like starbucks when they're just putting your name on the cup.

Anyway, we got on brilliantly. He took my number and we messaged for a couple of weeks. We have now been on two dates and I still haven't told him that the name I said, isn't actually my name! What the hell do I do?!

It's gone too far to come back from, hasn't it. I'm so embarrassed. This is such a stupid way to have fucked things up with a lovely man.

OP posts:
FOJN · 10/01/2022 20:05

I would not pretend your fake name is a nickname. It would be very awkward if things go well enough for you to introduce him to people you have history with.

Tell him the truth as you've written it in the OP and take it from there. I think I would emphasise how embarrassed you are that you haven't told him sooner rather than make a joke out of it.

If things work out you will laugh about it one day but for now you want to put the record straight so you can ditch the stress of lying and being found out.

It's not the offense of the century, just a silly lie you reasonably thought would have no consequences. If he reacts badly to the truth then it's better to know now rather than later.

ineedsun · 10/01/2022 20:06

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Put it on him and say You do know my name is Margery don't you? Not sure why are you calling me Samantha?

I think admitting to have originally used a nickname when you first met is infinitely more forgivable than heading down the full-on gaslighting route. There are a number of legitimate reasons why a woman might not initially give her real name out to a man she's just met who shows an interest in her, but to deliberately mess with his mind in that way would be 100% red-flag behaviour.

I think that was a joke. Along the lines of the deed poll joke. As in ridiculous things you could do to deal with this daft situation
coldfeetmama · 10/01/2022 20:07

Margaret and Britney 🤣😂🤣

GemmaRuby · 10/01/2022 20:08

Let us know how the big reveal goes OP!

Marineboy67 · 10/01/2022 20:09

@SeasonFinale

Just tell him. Explain it is to weed out the losers and as he has passed the test he gets to know your real name
Absolutely this...its your best foot forward I recon
user1471453601 · 10/01/2022 20:10

Well, opening poster, it wasn't a mistake, was it? It was a lie. Id say you need to tell him face to face, now. Maybe explain why you thought it was ok to lie to him.

If he accepts it, all's good. If he doesn't, you've got no one to blame but yourself.

yellowsmileyface · 10/01/2022 20:11

@RedCandyApple

Isn’t it funny, there was a thread on here the other day where a woman said a man on old gave her the wrong name but told her his real name before they met, and everyone said it was a red flag, Wouldn’t meet him, instant put off, deal breaker, but on this thread a woman’s been lying about her name for weeks and it’s no big deal and “funny” 🙄
Are you referring to the thread where the guy tried to blame the site for the wrong name, saying the site had changed it?

If so I feel you're leaving out an important piece of context. Many people commenting said that the giving of a false name in itself could be understandable and not a red flag, it's the fact he tried to blame it on the site, which was indeed rather strange and suspicious.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 10/01/2022 20:15

I think that was a joke. Along the lines of the deed poll joke. As in ridiculous things you could do to deal with this daft situation

Fair enough, then - I must have read too many relationship horror stories on MN!

Scottishgirl85 · 10/01/2022 20:15

My friend did this. She gave a really funny old lady name for a laugh and had to tell him a few dates in. They're now happily married and been together 15 years :-)

Itsalmostanaccessory · 10/01/2022 20:17

@RedCandyApple

I didnt see that other thread. Very sorry that I don't scour mumsnet to comment on every thread on any topic I've ever said anything about.

Fatherliamdeliverance · 10/01/2022 20:19

The main point in the other thread was that he lied to the OP about how he'd come to be using the fake name, rather than just saying 'I don't like to use my real name online for security' or 'because Jason has a higher hit rate than Arbuthnot'.

So, key thing is that you just tell him the truth next time you meet. sleepingstandingup has it perfect. Don't try to cover it up and pretend it's a nickname. That's a lie. Fact is you were tipsy, used another name and felt too silly to put him straight when you actually got on. Maybe have something with your name on handy so you can show him that you are who you say are.

I reckon it'll become a joke but only if you're straight up about it.

ravenmum · 10/01/2022 20:21

Just say you did it for safety.
I met a friend of mine online when I answered her ad about running partners. Met up with her and we went running in the park for quite a while. Took my dog with me and would always say "Where's Pia? Look, there's Pia!" so the dog learned her name. Then after the summer holidays she said she'd found some other people who also wanted to run, and by the way her name was not actually Pia. This did not phase me in the least as I understood she used a pseudonym online. No big deal.
The dog didn't get it so I still say "Where's Pia!" :)

DiamondBright · 10/01/2022 20:21

I used a fake name on OLD sites, because my name is unusual and I have a fairly high profile job (locally) but I always confirmed my actual name before a face to face date, I think it's a bit odd you've waited so long and the sooner you confess the better. He's going to feel a bit silly having told friends he's seeing someone called x he now has to tell them is actually called y.

ANameChangeAgain · 10/01/2022 20:28

Isn’t it funny, there was a thread on here the other day where a woman said a man on old gave her the wrong name but told her his real name before they met, and everyone said it was a red flag, Wouldn’t meet him, instant put off, deal breaker, but on this thread a woman’s been lying about her name for weeks and it’s no big deal and “funny” 🙄
I disagree with this being MN double standards. Women keep their real details private for safety reasons, once we trust the man we will give our name, address etc. I tell my friends to do a bit of a reckie on men we they are meeting and pass their details to a friend.

Dibbydoos · 10/01/2022 20:29

Def make a joke of it - OK so this is our third date anniversary so I have to come clean.... your post made me laugh OP. Its funny. I think he'll find it funny. If not, you dodged a bullet methinks....

Cas112 · 10/01/2022 20:31

@LittleMissNaice

Deed poll. It's your only choice.
This haha
rrhuth · 10/01/2022 20:33

@SeasonFinale

Just tell him. Explain it is to weed out the losers and as he has passed the test he gets to know your real name
This. I think it is very believable that women give a false name.

I wonder if he has tried to find you on social media and now thinks you are a spy Grin

Freddy12 · 10/01/2022 20:33

Not a biggie at all
Just tell him you prefer to give your real name when you have known someone for more the 5 mins and think you may meet again

He has clearly passed the looser test so all good

RedCandyApple · 10/01/2022 20:34

@ANameChangeAgain

Isn’t it funny, there was a thread on here the other day where a woman said a man on old gave her the wrong name but told her his real name before they met, and everyone said it was a red flag, Wouldn’t meet him, instant put off, deal breaker, but on this thread a woman’s been lying about her name for weeks and it’s no big deal and “funny” 🙄 I disagree with this being MN double standards. Women keep their real details private for safety reasons, once we trust the man we will give our name, address etc. I tell my friends to do a bit of a reckie on men we they are meeting and pass their details to a friend.
She’s been lying for weeks because she said her names embarrassing, nothing to do with safety though is it!
RedCandyApple · 10/01/2022 20:34

@Fatherliamdeliverance

The main point in the other thread was that he lied to the OP about how he'd come to be using the fake name, rather than just saying 'I don't like to use my real name online for security' or 'because Jason has a higher hit rate than Arbuthnot'.

So, key thing is that you just tell him the truth next time you meet. sleepingstandingup has it perfect. Don't try to cover it up and pretend it's a nickname. That's a lie. Fact is you were tipsy, used another name and felt too silly to put him straight when you actually got on. Maybe have something with your name on handy so you can show him that you are who you say are.

I reckon it'll become a joke but only if you're straight up about it.

Yet people on here are telling her to lie about the reason and say she did it for safety reasons when she didn’t.
PinchOfVom · 10/01/2022 20:36

For those of you talking about double standard and red flags, you’re speaking utter shite

Because women suffer far more at the hands of men than the other way around and it’s absolutely ok to have different standards for them. Men behave like complete pigs a lot of the time and have no idea what’s it’s like to be your average guarded woman. We guard ourselves out of necessity and fear when starting relationships. Your average man doesn’t have any concept of course hat that’s like.

So no red flags for me, no.

Get pissed and tell him op

Winniemarysarah · 10/01/2022 20:40

@RedCandyApple

Isn’t it funny, there was a thread on here the other day where a woman said a man on old gave her the wrong name but told her his real name before they met, and everyone said it was a red flag, Wouldn’t meet him, instant put off, deal breaker, but on this thread a woman’s been lying about her name for weeks and it’s no big deal and “funny” 🙄
Exactly what I just thought. I’ve only got as far as your post on this thread, but I’m gobsmacked at the pp’s saying how funny it is. Why on earth wouldn’t you tell someone when you arranged the first date??
RedCandyApple · 10/01/2022 20:41

@PinchOfVom

For those of you talking about double standard and red flags, you’re speaking utter shite

Because women suffer far more at the hands of men than the other way around and it’s absolutely ok to have different standards for them. Men behave like complete pigs a lot of the time and have no idea what’s it’s like to be your average guarded woman. We guard ourselves out of necessity and fear when starting relationships. Your average man doesn’t have any concept of course hat that’s like.

So no red flags for me, no.

Get pissed and tell him op

Once again she lied because she’s embarrassed by her name not for safety reasons
RedCandyApple · 10/01/2022 20:42

Winniemarysarah That’s my point she’s been lying for weeks and it’s “hilarious” Ok maybe she initially told him the wrong name but lying for weeks?

Original poster
TheIdiot7 · 10/01/2022 20:46

Thank you all.
Some of your replies have been really helpful.
I haven't seen the other thread that has been referred to here.

As for my real name, it is not a common name in England and is a bit of a mouthful. It's also very dated and yes I am embarrassed so something short and easy to say just cuts out having to explain & repeat my name. It was never meant to be a cruel trick or anything like that. I am very very embarrassed and hope he sees the funny side rather than running for the hills.

OP posts: