have name changed as his family on here!
we have been going out for around 6 years, living together for 4. He moved into my house. We are both early 50s. I am a high earner and have always earned significantly more than him. He used to have a very good job which he lost in 2019 and then his industry was destroyed by Covid. We don't combine our finances but we do have a joint account where we buy things like food, takeaways, trips to the vet for the animals etc. His contribution was to put a small amount of money into that account each month representing the fact that my bills were higher with him living with me. I then put a larger amount in each month and topped it up if the account ran dry.
He has masses of outgoings meaning his disposable income has always been low and he had v little savings. When he lost his job (late 2019) he got into financial trouble v quickly and started taking money out of the joint account for his own expenses. I stopped him at that point and said if this was going to be a permanent thing, we needed to agree an amount (a limit to what he could take) and a timescale after which it had to stop. He agreed to both things. He still pays for the mortgage on a property he owns which is due to be sold this year (he owns it jointly with his ex and there is a court agreement to sell it now their youngest has moved out). His equity in the house easily covers the debt he owes me.
Over the last 2 years, he has had sporadic employment, about half the time he's been able to meet his own costs, the other half of the time he's needed to 'borrow' money from me. He has finally found out this weekend he's got a permanent job he applied for and for the first time in ages, he will have disposable income. I must say at no point did I ever feel he was taking the piss - he worked as hard as he could, looked for a job as hard as he could and took what work he could get.
I'm v pleased for him and obviously for me too but we had a discussion this weekend about how much he would begin to pay into the joint account and whether he would start paying any of the debt back and he said that his plan is to pay all the excess into his pension because he hasn't been able to pay into this for 2 years and it's the most tax efficient way. He is right in terms of the tax efficiency. His argument is that our retirement plan is made up of 3 bits - 1, selling my house and downscaling and the released equity forms part of the money we live off/invest plus the remaining equity in his house, 2 his pension which is far larger than mine already (he had far more generous ex employers than me!) and 3 my pension which is v small in comparison to his.
So he argues that by paying into his pension he is effectively benefitting us both as it is part of the overall plan. He's right but it leaves me very exposed if we break up. He says there is a debt agreement for the amount he owes (there is) and that this is just an efficient use of money. I just feel resentful that after supporting him for 2 years, he doesn't seem to think that contributing to day to day costs is a priority especially as I won't have visibility of what is going into that pension (or not as the case may be).
He feels that there needs to be trust in this relationship or what's the point and he feels hurt that he's suggesting something that he feels will benefit us both (albeit in the future).
WWYD?