Husband doesn’t love me

[MumOfBoysSJZ]

Seeking opinions but I think I know what the answer will be!!

In Oct 21 my husband came home from work and told me he had slept with a colleague and it made him address his feelings for me. He told me he hadn’t been happy in our relationship of 14yrs since Jan/Feb 21 and realised he didn’t love me in March. Since May he has been messaging/sexting this girl from work, and ended up sleeping with her in the staff room at work the week before he told me.

Since then he has repeatedly said he loves me as the mother of our kids but not as a wife. Since being ‘unhappy’ but before I realised what was going on we have been on 2 holidays and even celebrated our anniversary with a weekend away just 2 weeks before he slept with her. I had absolutely no idea he was unhappy.

I haven’t chucked him out, but told him he needs to decide whether to try and save our marriage or leave. He can’t make a decision apparently as he’s not sure he ‘wants’ to save the marriage and he will be happier alone and single. He has started smoking (non smoker for years) and drinking daily. However sometimes I see glimmers he does want to still be with me but I’m not sure if it’s me clutching at straws. We have 2x children aged 9yrs and 5yrs. He is still sleeping in the same bed and we continue to be intimate.

Am I being a fool? Am I just serving as someone to have sex with while he makes his mind up? Surely if he wanted to save our marriage he wouldn’t need to be convinced? He is not the man I married and has morphed into this selfish and hurtful man. He is having counselling but I’ve been in this limbo land since October 2021 and not sure how much longer I can do it for.

He slept with someone else and now he's taking time to decide whether you should try and fix it?

I don't think you should let anybody treat you like that, personally. I'd want to atleast walk away with my pride. You deserve better

You are simply playing the 'pick me' game. He is having a ball at the moment, having sex on tap with you and an ego stroke with the OW. Wise up OP chuck him out. You make the rules here. He doesnt love you or want you....get your ducks in a row, get your self esteem out the gutter and get on with your life....without him.

He needs to move out so YOU can decide next steps.
Have you got any real life support?

This sounds like the script all over:

www.chumplady.com/2019/01/do-cheaters-all-work-from-the-same-script/

It hurts but you need to remember this is all on him, he's rewriting history so he doesn't feel guilty for betraying you.

Personally I'd walk away. I read something once "I'd rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect" and it really resonated.
Chump lady is a great site, read through and see how you feel

You need to chuck him out. Even if you want to work on saving the marriage, you need space away from each other. You're trauma/hysterical bonding with him at the moment.

He has behaved appallingly and is taking the piss.

LTB. You have played the pick me dance for over a year. There is nothing to gain from perpetuating this situation other than allowing him more time to completely undermine any remaining self esteem that you have left. You deserve sooo much more than this. You know that which is why you have posted here but nobody can change this stalemate other than you. Please treat yourself with more kindness and sympathy.

Wait what? He had an affair and you’ve to just wait about for him to decide his next steps? And are still putting out.

That’s madness. Get you and the kids sorted and start carving yourselves out of whatever this situation actually is.

Sorry but why does he get to decide

Talk about having his cake & eating it. He doesn't love you, hes had an affair and while living and having sex with you HES deciding what he wants?

Fuck that. Make the decision for him & kick his pathetic arse out. You deserve better.

For all you know he's keeping you sweet just long enough to get in tow with someone else

Good Lord.

So he's getting his end away at home and at work and you are ok with that? Please, get some self respect and get rid of him, even if it's just for a few months. Although once he's gone you will likely find your self esteem grows daily without a sad little man like him making you do the pick me dance.

Why are you still being intimate with him? You may need an STD check. Please protect yourself if he is sleeping with other women.

I agree you need to take control of the decision making instead of waiting for him to decide. Are you really happy to continue this marriage?

Tell his employer that their staff are having sex on company premises and kick his arse into oblivion

I know you are hurting but going to be rather blunt here : He's hedging his bets here. He doesn't yet know whether this new woman will progress to relationship material and he's going to make sure he's got you as a fall back option if/when she tells him it's not working for her.

Find your ovaries love, and remove his ability to control your life like some sort of puppet. He wants out of the marriage, then grant him his wish. Look, if he gets a shock that you aren't passively sitting around waiting for him with open arms should he crash and burn with this new one and has a massive rethink then you can think about going to counselling to see what's salvageable out of your marriage if you so choose. But for now, tell him to leave if possible, get a divorce lawyer, and make it look to all intents and purposes that you are merely taking him at his word that the marriage is over and act accordingly. Pull that damn rug from under him.

It goes without saying that I very much hope that by the time the twat realises what he's thrown away you will have decided that she's welcome to him and wouldn't have him back if your life depended on it, but at least if you do take him back it will be you choosing to do it rather than waiting around for her or him to decide your fate for you.

Firstly you stop the sex. Then you stop the washing and cleaning for him and really look at what you’re allowing to happen.

It hurts but he hasn’t picked you. Tell him you’ve found an escort so his services in bed won’t be needed. Give him a timescale for making a decision.

Stop with the clinging on sex and tell him to move into the spare room. Take control and get some self respect. He is taking the absolute piss. He doesn’t love you as a wife but you’re still shagging him? What? Get rid of him. He can’t be trusted!!!!!

He's staying with you until the other woman is ready to commit.
If she doesn't commit, he'll stay with you until the next opportunity comes along.
He will still be shagging the OW. If she is also married then you could catch something off any of a whole line of people: her, her partner, her partner's partner, his other OW's partner's partner, etc. You are in a chain. Protect yourself.

He is having counselling
a) Is he really? b) If he is, what's he discussing? Is it a relationship counsellor or a decision-making specialist? and c) Are you NOT having counselling for what he's doing to you?

Right @MumOfBoysSJZ it’s time to stop letting this cliche pull all the strings.

Firstly self care, eat well, stay hydrated, take time for you, you’ll be in shock.

Stop. Sleeping. With. Him. He doesn’t get you fighting for his worthless a* anymore. You’ll need STD tests, sorry. Currently you are doing the ‘pick me dance’, cheats LOVE this. It gives them lots of ego kibbles.

Read ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ (by chump lady). Whether you decide to make a go of it IF he fights for you and his family OR whether you kick him out the door you need to know what you’re dealing with this is a great start.

Understand that affairs like this are not about love. I’m guessing he’s probably behaving like an addict. He’s demonised you and the affair partner is amazing, right? This is utter nonsense. He’s just blameshifting and rewriting the narrative to justify his own selfish behaviours.

Please seek legal advice. You need to know what your rights are.

Kick him out and/or grey rock him OR 180 (Google surviving infidelity forum and 180fir explanation) but basically just conversations around children and finances. Time and space away from him is needed for you to process what he has done!

I know you want him back, I know you want your family back but you can not move forward with a cheat in an ongoing affair, it cannot be done.

All you can do is draw a hard line and set some boundaries. Protect yourself from anymore harm. You are worth so much more than the way your husband is treating you.

However sometimes I see glimmers he does want to still be with me but I’m not sure if it’s me clutching at straws.

I am so sorry you are going through this - & that he is actively amping up the pain with his "tortured decision" act. It is really cruel behaviour.

Am I being a fool? Am I just serving as someone to have sex with while he makes his mind up?

Yes - but completely understandably.
You have been blindsided & can hardly know which way is up at the moment.

One thing you can hang onto though, is advice from the admirable Chump Lady: do NOT do the 'Pick-Me Dance' for him.
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

You won't heal from this until the person causing you pain is out of your life. Nobody here can decide for you, but I suspect you would feel a LOT better if you took control & told him to fuck off for good.

He shagged his co-worker in the staff room FFS.
Start feeling disgusted with the sleazy twat who betrayed you,. Find your anger. Feel your pride.

And find a red-hot solicitor to act for you in the divorce. This will also help you feel in control & give you forward momentum.
Don't let him steal a march on you by hiding assets, pensions etc ... get copies of everything you can, & hide them somewhere private.

He wants to have his cake and eat it too. To have a cozy domestic 'home life' whilst keeping you on tenterhooks hoping to salvage the marriage so you don't raise a stink, all the while he keeps shagging around. Sounds like a win/win for him, doesn't it? And it's a lose/lose for you.

He doesn't 'love you' as the mother of his children or in any other 'real' way. What he's saying is that he loves the home and family life that you enable for him. He'd 'love' a full-time housekeeper/nanny just as much. it's not loving the person, it's loving the 'convenience' of them.

He won't decide? You decide for him. Tell him he needs to leave and figure his shit out somewhere else.

How long can you keep doing this? You can continue to do this for as long as you keep doing it, or until he decides he's out, whichever comes sooner. By which point you'll be in bits. Far better to get in control of the situation. You know what you need to do. As someone has already mentioned, you also need to stop having sex with him, and get a full STD check. Sitting and waiting for him to call the shots is going to wreck your self esteem, gather your mates and call a solicitor, make a plan. It's shit, but it's happening, ignoring it isn't going to make it go away.

Like others have said, your husband is basically following the script.
My husband did exactly the same thing to me. We’d literally just got over iVF and sadly a miscarriage,,returned from what I thought was a great holiday, only to be told he was unhappy and miserable.. and he’s been thinking about a woman at work.. and you know the rest!
Trust me, the script is real & they all follow it!
Move him to the spare room or even better tell him to move out.
You are not his housemate, you are not an option, a convenient shag, you ARE HIS WIFE and you deserve respect and love.. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

It sounds like your hoping he’s going to choose you but you don’t realise it’s you who needs to take back control.

I think the only chance of a relationship surviving infidelity is if the one who cheated is extremely remorseful and is willing to put the effort into the relationship. This isn’t the case at all with your oh who says he doesn’t even know if we wants to be with you. Do you see that there is no chance of continuing a happy relationship with him.

I’m sorry to say that he doesn’t want you and so you need to take action and kick him out. Stop sleeping with him asap. You are worth so much more and it’s time to show him that.

You will feel infinitely better once you take control and kick him out.

OP, please take control, see a solicitor and 'get your ducks in a row'.

Don't tell him your plans. He is no longer your husband (he gave up that position when he started poking someone else) he's not your friend either.
He's having his cake and eating it - so put a stop to that.

I was in your position once and it's a lousy place to be, but I realised I was not going to be put on the back-burner while he sorted himself out.

I'm sorry OP but it doesn't seem like he wants to save the marriage.

He isn’t trying to decide at all. He’s waiting to see if it’s going to work out with her. He doesn’t want to burn his bridges with you. Get rid ffs. He’s a pig.