Page 2 | Husband doesn’t love me

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/01/2022 17:08

"I had absolutely no idea he was unhappy."
Of course you didn't, because he wasn't. He is rewriting history before your very eyes, because otherwise he'd have to say that he's been an idiot, an unfaithful idiot, and he can't admit to that - not to you, and probably not to himself either.

Anyway, forget him for the moment - what do YOU want?

Because if you DO want to save your marriage, you really are looking at chucking him out. ^"He can’t make a decision apparently" - well he doesn't have to as it stands, does he? He's got you standing patiently by, awaiting his wordsIndeed, standing patiently by and still having sex with him. It must be very tempting to just keep it going as long as possible - the sensation of power, the feeling of being in control of the fate of others. Quite intoxicating, I imagine. Well, you have to put a stop to that fuckery, don't you? Because if you don't, your marriage is truly over.

He needs to be brought back into touch with reality. He needs to know what he has put at risk. Right now he doesn't, because he has lost NOTHING. So, take the control over you away from him, and back into your own hands. Tell him that you have decided it is time to call it a day, he has to move out ASAP. He can move to his family, his friends, his colleague/shag, a bedsit on his own, anywhere he pleases but your home is no longer his home and he needs to pack up and leave.

Only then will he stop pretending to himself that he is the tortured hero of some melodramatic balderdashTV movie, and get his arse into gear. And whilst he lives elsewhere, you will have the headspace to consider what you want in your future. It might be him, it might not. But you won't know until you've had some space to yourself to think, to consider, to decide. Best of luck.

TabithaTittlemouse · 10/01/2022 17:11

Why does he get to decide what happens next?

Why are you still having sex with him?

Frostine · 10/01/2022 17:11

No 1. Stop being available for sex.

wakeuphw · 10/01/2022 17:15

Please know your worth. What is it that you want? Why should he get to decide?

spotcheck · 10/01/2022 17:16

Am I being a fool?

Probably.

I think most people go into adrenaline/ crisis mode and double down on maintaining the status quo.

He's holding all the aces though, and you've given them to him.

trydry22 · 10/01/2022 17:16

I actually feel really sorry for you, hanging onto the hope he will decide to stay with you. As many have said before me, pick yourself up and kick that sorry a-hole to the kerb. He doesn't get to choose.. he's already chosen to cheat and totally disrespect you! Please don't give this man anymore of your time, he's hanging onto the hope this bit of office skirt might take him on permanently.. sending hugs your way x

Iamnotamermaid · 10/01/2022 17:53

He may not admit what he really wants, which is essentially the best of both worlds (a family & single life), but do you really want him around now he has essentially broken the relationship with you? Are you actually interested in him saving what he has broken?

If not take control. Chuck him out, see a solicitor and move on.

Original poster

MumOfBoysSJZ · 10/01/2022 18:00

Thank you for your comments, they are along the lines of what I’m trying to tell myself but too scared to actually do.

I suppose I’m scared of being on my own, mourning the relationship of how it used to be, and worried about parenting on my own (husbands working hours means I’m responsible for parenting 95% of the time). It’s more ‘convenient’ him remaining in the house, financially mainly.

He keeps saying he wants to ‘try’ but his actions don’t match his words. I know the relationship is heading only one way and I feel used the majority of the time. Deep down I know I’m worth more, but once he walks out the door I know he won’t come back and it’s a scary prospect. I’m scared for my future as I fully trusted this man I call my husband, I never had ANY reason to doubt him. And he betrayed that trust. How do you trust ANYONE ever again?!

I’ve read the chumplady script and it’s scarily accurate!!

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 10/01/2022 18:19

You need to see a solicitor, make an appointment.

You will have many fears, financial, safety, lonliness, abandonment at first it is the scariest feeling and very overwhelming.

He will not adjust his behaviour, he loves it like this, you know you can't put up with this situation. Your fear seems to have you rooted to the spot.

Now, baby steps, firstly you must stop having sex with him, it;s putting your sexual health at risk.
Move him into another room and ask him to leave.
No domestic duties for him.

Why should you leave, I don't care if financially it's better for him, get some legal advice.

Go to CAB and find out what you are entitled to.

I'm really sorry this is happening, it's crushing I know but you must start acting for yourself, have you told anyone else, your family ? if not do so you need support.

Keeping this a secret only prolonges his cake eating.
Is the ow married or partnered?

Another thing, do you feel scared of him? his reactions?

Keep posting, we are all here.

Take care

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 10/01/2022 18:20

If you HAVE to live in the same house so be it, but ALL wife privileges end today.

Work out a schedule of when it is his responsibility to look after the kids and make yourself absent during those times (even if it is by taking yourself off to bed with a book).

You no longer do any washing, cooking or cleaning for him. Anything he leaves around chuck in a black bag and put somewhere for him to deal with later.

He sleeps in the spare room/on the sofa from tonight onwards.

YOU take back control, he has voided your marriage contract so he shouldn't be getting any benefits of it until YOU decide what happens next.

And stop sleeping with him, it will destroy your self-respect. Tell his parents/siblings etc what he has done and possibly ship him off to their houses on alternate weekends and on the other weekends you go out with friends and he stays at home with sole childcare responsibilities, let him realise what exiting his marriage will actually mean.

FlowerArranger · 10/01/2022 18:23

I know it's cold comfort, @MumOfBoysSJZ, but many of us have gone through the tunnel you are facing now, and we have come out the other end. What I cannot emphasise too much is that you will feel infinitely better and will end in a much better place if you face your fear and take control. This really is a fake it till you make it scenario!

pheonixrebirth · 10/01/2022 18:33

My heart goes out to you OP.

I know that feeling of wishing you could just go back to how it was- to not know. Just for a moment of relief from the heartache. You don't deserve any of this.

You know you deserve better, much better. The cruelty of how has treated you is appalling, I couldn't treat my worst enemy as badly as he has treated you.

And I say this to be kind in hopes that it will make you stand up for yourself -
YOU ARE GIVING HIM PERMISSION TO TREAT YOU BADLY!

Permission to treat you as an option.
Permission to fuck the OW.
Permission to decide YOUR future.
Permission to mess with your head.
Permission to have sex with you.
Permission to give you an STD.
Permission to treat you disrespectfully.
Permission to get off Scot free from being nothing but duplicitous, lying, cheating scum bag.

And with each passing day you are teaching him what you will put up with but more so what he can get away with.

This is YOUR life too, get angry and scare the shit out of him. How dare he do this to your life, then sit around dithering about his next move. Let him ponder his life choices elsewhere, not under the same roof as you, who know doubt is still doing all the cooking, cleaning, washing!
Whilst he's in therapy- my god what a self involved, self indulgent fuckwit of a specimen he is????

2DogsOnMySofa · 10/01/2022 18:40

The inky way he'll realise what he wants is if he thinks he's going to lose you. Kick him out and think of yourself op. You deserve so much better than this man

cherrypie66 · 10/01/2022 18:53

He won't know what it feels like to loose his family while his still there trying to make his mind up. Kick him out it will soon dawn on him !

Buildingthefuture · 10/01/2022 18:54

Agree wholeheartedly with what @WhereYouLeftIt said! Kick the sad, stereotypical fucker out, show him what the world REALLY looks like when you fuck over your wife. Personally, I’d bet that he will find life with his nasty little side piece not quite so rosy and he will come running back with his tail between his legs. It will be entirely up to YOU what you do with that. And if he stays away, you’ve lost nothing have you? He is NOT behaving like your husband or considering your or DCS needs at all.

YourenutsmiLord · 10/01/2022 19:02

He won't know what it feels like to loose his family while his still there trying to make his mind up. Kick him out it will soon dawn on him !

Well, he wont lose his children as, obviously, they will spend time with him. Maybe every weekend if he can't have them through the week - just make sure he is aware of his responsibilities and doesn't think his life will be as a single man or in a new love nest.

Bassetlover · 10/01/2022 19:06

Yes you're being a fool. Ditch him and find someone who loves you and treats you and your kids better. What a bastard.

WonderfulYou · 10/01/2022 19:07

I haven’t chucked him out, but told him he needs to decide whether to try and save our marriage or leave.

Why would he need to decide when he’s currently having his cake and eating it too!

Please, please find some respect for yourself and stop being treated like a mug.

The cheating I may eventually forgive - the treating me like shit I absolutely couldn’t!

Suzi888 · 10/01/2022 19:09

I’m so sorry, you must be devastated.

Stop giving him his cake and let him eat it- stop having sex with him. You need to ask your soon to be ex husband to make his damn mind up and see a solicitor. He needs to move out whilst he makes his mind up! He needs to work out how much access he wants regarding the children and what days he will take/collect them from
School and what weekends he will have them to stay with him.

Honestly you are worth more than this, find your self respect, your anger, he’s humiliating you and you are allowing him.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/01/2022 19:29

Having raed Chump Lady are you ready to find your anger and start driving the inevitable separation and divorce?

Or do you need to wallow in "should/could have been" a bit longer.

Only you will know when you are ready to make a move for your independence. And when you are this place will help put steel into your spine.

ravenmum · 10/01/2022 19:38

I know the relationship is heading only one way and I feel used the majority of the time
You won't be mourning this, OP.
It's scary, like all change, but what's the alternative really?

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2022 19:41

@MumOfBoysSJZ

Thank you for your comments, they are along the lines of what I’m trying to tell myself but too scared to actually do.

I suppose I’m scared of being on my own, mourning the relationship of how it used to be, and worried about parenting on my own (husbands working hours means I’m responsible for parenting 95% of the time). It’s more ‘convenient’ him remaining in the house, financially mainly.

He keeps saying he wants to ‘try’ but his actions don’t match his words. I know the relationship is heading only one way and I feel used the majority of the time. Deep down I know I’m worth more, but once he walks out the door I know he won’t come back and it’s a scary prospect. I’m scared for my future as I fully trusted this man I call my husband, I never had ANY reason to doubt him. And he betrayed that trust. How do you trust ANYONE ever again?!

I’ve read the chumplady script and it’s scarily accurate!!

...parenting on my own (husbands working hours means I’m responsible for parenting 95% of the time)

So, in essence, you're already 'single parenting'. It just remains to get rid of the 'extra child' (him).

He keeps saying he wants to ‘try’ but his actions don’t match his words.

My cousin's ex said the same. They were even going to couple's therapy where he cried and 'regretted' what he'd done. Right up until cousin's BFF saw him and the OW hand-in-hand and all lovey-dovey at the local mall. Cousin kicked him out when she found that out, and he was not 'devastated' at all, just regretful that he'd have to wash his own skivvies and clean up after himself. He got a flat and within a month OW had dumped her DH and moved in.

As far as finances, before you take any action you need to see a solicitor to see what the future holds as far as assets, the home, and maintenance. Forewarned is forearmed.

Moonface123 · 10/01/2022 19:48

It could be that the other woman has got cold feet, would she want to be stuck with a cheating, lying, scumbag ?
I would make up his mind for him, bags packed, door wide open, foot firmly up his backside. Let him go and find his happiness, and you go and find yours, because what he is doing to you is beyond cruel and you are worth a hell of alot more. Living alone has got to be better than what your enduring now.

trickytimes · 10/01/2022 23:15

Stop sleeping with him! Get your respect back. He’s had his bits inside someone else. Feel
angry and disgusted. Make him move out. He needs to feel the reality of his decision. He will need to pay child support and start having the kids on his own. If you are doing 95% then this could work out better for you. You’ll get every other weekend to yourself. Stop letting him use you!

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/01/2022 23:23

@MumOfBoysSJZ

Thank you for your comments, they are along the lines of what I’m trying to tell myself but too scared to actually do.

I suppose I’m scared of being on my own, mourning the relationship of how it used to be, and worried about parenting on my own (husbands working hours means I’m responsible for parenting 95% of the time). It’s more ‘convenient’ him remaining in the house, financially mainly.

He keeps saying he wants to ‘try’ but his actions don’t match his words. I know the relationship is heading only one way and I feel used the majority of the time. Deep down I know I’m worth more, but once he walks out the door I know he won’t come back and it’s a scary prospect. I’m scared for my future as I fully trusted this man I call my husband, I never had ANY reason to doubt him. And he betrayed that trust. How do you trust ANYONE ever again?!

I’ve read the chumplady script and it’s scarily accurate!!

I suppose I’m scared of being on my own, mourning the relationship of how it used to be, and worried about parenting on my own (husbands working hours means I’m responsible for parenting 95% of the time). It’s more ‘convenient’ him remaining in the house, financially mainly. So you're already parenting on your own. There's not going to be a practical difference is there?

"He keeps saying he wants to ‘try’ but his actions don’t match his words. I know the relationship is heading only one way and I feel used the majority of the time. Deep down I know I’m worth more, but once he walks out the door I know he won’t come back and it’s a scary prospect."
He's saying it to keep you destabilised, to keep you doing the Pick Me dance, to keep you having sex with him. You are seeing close-up the old, old saying - 'actions speak louder than words'. And - you feel used because he's using you.

You are right, you are worth more. He's forgotten that, and your acquiescence to the current living arrangements isn't reminding him of that.

You are also wrong, about "once he walks out the door I know he won’t come back". If that were the case, he'd have left already. He's staying because it suits him. He's got you doing the Pick Me dance, he's got sex on tap, he's got a fully-serviced household with his wife still doing 95% of the childcare, and he's got that intoxicating sensation of power from having you quietly waiting to hear Your Master's Voice. When you tell him to leave, all that will be stripped from him, and he will feel its loss. You will too. I think you'll like the feeling more than he will.

"I’m scared for my future as I fully trusted this man I call my husband, I never had ANY reason to doubt him. And he betrayed that trust. How do you trust ANYONE ever again?!"
Yes, he betrayed you. He's still betraying you, treating you like this. You need to get angry about that, and act on that anger. In a straight fight between anger and fear, I think you'll find that anger wins. Leaving your future in his hand, you should be scared. Don't leave your future in his hands - take control back into yours.