Fab Guys - Looking for answers and Support

[MaxineAnn]

Hello can anyone help support me please - I have recently read some past posts from last year and I need to share My Story and hopefully seek support from anyone who will listen, support and perhaps talk of their own experiences and I am happy to listen to advice and guidance - The topic I wish to discuss if anyone out there can spare the time is gauging a understanding of the website: Fab Guys please and thank you ..?

It's a dating site for gay men.

Thank you for getting back to me - I understand your reply and I have tried to complete as much research as possible believe me…

My husband is putting a different explanation and spin on it..

Although I think and understand from what I am learning he isn’t being honest and is trying to feed me just enough information that I will or he knows I can accept but the more I learn and challenge him with I have the feeling he is continuously lying…

Right now my marriage is hanging in the balance and has been since the 5th of January as I found out last year he was on the sight and that nearly ended the marriage last year until his explanation seemed plausible, last year he promised he would do anything to save our marriage and promised he wouldn’t do it ever again and started counselling however we hit a financial obstacle where neither of us could continue with our own councillors back in September 2021 - However even though having made good progress to understand and process this and save our marriage I have just found out he’s revisiting this sites - This came through a personal text he sent to get a code to access the site £5 premium text…. So I have questioned this as I didn’t know about this last year and I am trying to understand what the £5 premium texting gives him access to..?

If I can believe anything else he tells me and if the lies are just going to just keep coming… I am currently devastated but don’t want to sound precious either when I know there are much bigger problems out there for do many people in a much larger scale… I am just trying to understand and process and see what support people are able to give me and guide me with please and thank you 🙏

Hi There MaxineAnn - we're sorry to hear what a tough time you're having right now.

We hope you don't mind but we're moved your thread to Relationships where we think you'll be more likely to get support and advice.

Sorry you are going through this. Reading between the lines of your posts - Did your husband admit to being on the site but say that he didn’t meet anyone?

I know it’s very difficult to say the least.

I have worked through quite a lot with My Husband since first posting this you can imagine all the roller coaster of emotions that comes with that too.

So it turns out that he has been a member for at least 4 years.

However when this first came to light last year I forgave him and he and I went into Counselling.

However that had to come to an abrupt end when we couldn’t afford it as currently I have been on long term sick from my job with menopause and I was placed on SSP so we didn’t have the funds to continue but we worked through it to the best of our ability as a couple.

However I believed we were in a good place and worked through the issues.

Until last week quite by accident whilst using his mobile as mine was in the repair shop over the holidays I WhatsApped My Daughter and as I swiped down the page there was a TEXT which said GUYS and he had been charged £5 and that had been taken by Virgin Mobile.

So innocently I said you need to take a look at this… My Husband went onto say that he had been scammed and was very quick to delete the text.

I in turn responded well we had better take a look at the statements to see if this has happened before.

So we did - It had happened before so I suggested we call Virgin to discuss it and take a look at all the other statements.

At first he agreed however when it came to making the call he finally admitted he wasn’t going to insult my intelligence any further and it was him.

So… I asked to take a look at ALL the Virgin statements to establish what exactly and how many times this had happened.

I went into the site whilst he was at work and made a false account to try an absorb what I was dealing with… I couldn’t work out why you pay the £5 upgrade and just what access that gave a member.

So I further discussed it with My Husband and kind of bluffed my way through to find out that the £5 premium text allows access to Videos, Live Cams and Messages which is what My Husband was focussing on was the Message aspect of the site.

I then asked if he was having any relations with any men, meeting them or engaging in any other activities.

He admitted that the site is used for many different accessibility’s and different people use it in different ways…

He has told me what he has been doing and I have since found out it’s been ongoing for 4 years and there are many a premium text been paid for… Over that period of time 🥲

I am beside myself looking at betrayal, lies, deceit and I wish I could hate him but I don’t I love him so much.

Maybe I am an old fool in denial and certainly there is much to work through but I just wanted to know what I was dealing with to equip me to be able to cope and find out any information or support I could get.

I think we are all individuals and very complex and it’s not that black and white - Today I am devastated and I have expressed that I will help him if he is struggling with his sexual identity as his Friend whilst he finds what he needs to make him happy but not as his wife, for me this is going beyond my boundaries within my own marriage.

I would be grateful for any support, links, counselling links, information to help me process so I can at least try and understand what I am needing to gain knowledge in.

I am 56 so not that young but mature enough to understand if there is a question around gay tendencies or bisexual tendencies he needs help and support just as much as I do to help him come to terms with the possibility that this may be the case.

I am devastated, I love him but at the expense of our marriage I would try and help him through this crisis in his life if need be.

So that we BOTH can move on and find happiness.

But please do message me any information, support or help please and thank you I would much appreciate it 🙏

Perfect 👍 thank you much appreciated 😊

Hello,
Have a look at ourpath.org
It used to be called the Straight Spouse Network and is there to support you.
The Chump Lady site is really good too and there are quite a few posters there who've been through what you're going through and are out the otherside.
Take care,

Hi, did you get the answers you were looking for on this subject?

Caught my fella on fab,he said he deleted account! Made my own account up (fake name)turned off location and had a conversation with him for nearly a week,the £5 if I remember correctly it unlocks other aspects ie....You can add more photos,better searches....just rubbish tbh x

Counselling can't make him not gay.

It can't un-gay him.

He's either discovered he's gay (or bisexual I suppose) during your relationship or he's always known.

What's important is that whether hes gay or bisexual, his response was to esse tially cheat (for 4 yrs) and lead asort of double life.

You dont know if hes actually done anything in person ... he's v unlikely to be honest about it.

Personally I would trust him not to be back on there & similar sites and I wouldn't trust him not to escalate to physical, if he hasn't already.

Dont be his beard.

He's not being honest.

He's not even being honest about the sire "differnt ppl use it for different things" .... it's a gay hookup site for fk sake. Ppl use it for homosecual interaction, whether digitally or in person. Hrs bull sgottong you.

Last guy on here like this tried to tell his wife he was on gay sex chat lines talking about his confusion about his sexuality ... hundreds of calls.

Not a conseller, not a service for ppl confused about their sexuality; a gay sex chat site lol. The ones advertised with naked Buff men and slogans like "got cock, want cock"

Honestly they think women were born yesterday. They're relying on their ignorance to fool them.

They're also relying on your investment and not wanting to break up.

Also 4 yrs of interaction on a gay hookup site; not impossible he stuck to "just" sexting and photo exchanges etc but u likely .. in my experience men tend to be physical animals who act on things ..... as another poster said you need an std screening urgently if you haven't had one.

Oh and if hes using the gay hookup site for thibfs other than gay sexting/image exchange/meeting up, he could show you his profiles and messages to demonstrate that, couldn't he?

Or has he conveniently deleted them.

He's full of shit

You say you love him, but love needs to be reciprocal. Whatever he says you dont treat someone you love like he has.

Cheating with men behind their back (even if he really hasn't ever met people through that site or similar sites) I would bet a large amount of money on his interactions on them there being extremely sexual in nature ... that's what those sites are for, people would soon stop interacting with you and move on if you didn't sex chat, exchange sexyal pics at the very least).

If you wanted other things, there are a thousand other sites to get that on.

He needs to stop lying, avd you need tk use your brain.

I'm sorry.

that I will help him if he is struggling with his sexual identity as his Friend whilst he finds what he needs to make him happy

You are a very kind person.

Too good for him in fact.

Make sure you don't help and support him (who's veen very dishonest, deceptive & Dishonourable to date) at the expense of your own mental health.

This is a crisis and terrible time for you too.

for me this is going beyond my boundaries within my own marriage.

Very glad to see this op, your earlier posts had ne really worrying about him pulling the wool over your eyes. He was being very dishonest and disingenuous about his reasons for being on gay hook up sites. And you seemed so invested and confused I thought you were going to let him.

Perhaps you can be friends in time, you'll always be co parents.

Protect your own mental health and heart in the meantime, you are as important as him.

Marine. If u want to know more about the site and why men join. Happy to talk to u..

Hi 👋

Yes that would be helpful please 🙏

If your husband is bisexual or gay, you can get support in the UK through Straight Partners Anonymous.

My ex wasn't on hook-up sites but it turned out that he had been watching gay porn for around ten years before telling me about it.

Some closeted gay people can and do hide their feelings and deny them to themselves for a very long time. From what I have heard, once someone starts looking to meet up with other, it's not long until they do.

I'm sorry you have any suspicions about your partner. If he is being unfaithful with other men, I can assure that it's sadly a lot more common than most people realise, but there is also life after discovery.

Hi 👋

So pleased to be still receiving replies - It has been a while but it is giving me further insight and support which is still very valid and I am still working through it.

Thank you for the website recommendation I will research that if only to better educate myself and help me further understand.

I think knowledge is key especially when marriages are at stake and it’s just not the marriage it’s Family too and how and when the breakup should eventually happen it’s managing the damage as I don’t want to tell the Family the real reason why - It’s a challenging time trying to navigate that’s for sure.

Thank You each and everyone of you for listening and sharing your experiences.

I have since learned be it the statement ‘it’s more common than you think’ there are marriages that allow it, marriages that don’t, couples that facilitate it together… It’s a mind field into a World I just don’t simply understand - Sadly

Maxine is you want to know more about it.. I am openly bi and on fabguys.. I have met married men and fully understand what'd going on.. Happy to tall to u if u pm me

Hello thank you for your response and honesty about being open…

So how do we PM each other not sure how to navigate that so it’s not on this thread as this is a public domain - I have some questions that I would like a honest non biased answer to ..?

People deal with this in various different ways.

For me, once I realised my ex only watched gay porn and never porn with women, I found it hard to believe he was bi and it seemed much more likely he was gay.

My own marriage unravelled over around 9 months. He actually came out to me as bisexual, but once he admitted to that, it quickly moved to 'probably gay' which he later denied saying. We had about 4 months of a kind of honeymoon period, three months where I hadn't a clue what was going on, and then a couple of horrific months leading up to our separation when he was out at all hours in gay clubs 'finding himself' while I held the household together. He ended our 19-year relationship saying it was because I was a nightmare and that he wanted a divorce because I was impossible to live with and it had nothing to do with sexuality. Began dating men and had a serious boyfriend around 6 months later. It's a common scenario.

There are a few online groups based in the USA with a focus on staying together, whether with an open relationship or not. I decided that wasn't for me. Four years on, my ex has still never told me that he's gay, though our children refer to him as gay so I presume that 's what he's told them.

I advise counselling - as a couple and just for you. See your GP if you need help sleeping or with anxiety. Confide in someone you trust. Seek support where you can.