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Original poster

Marriage

60 replies

Isntitironic1 · 08/01/2022 23:24

So myself and fiancé have been engaged for 10 years, I’ve never really been interested in booking the wedding before now but I asked him last week if we should set a date, he started off making jokes saying he doesn’t want to get married he’d rather spend the money on other things. So today I blew my top with it and asked why he proposed if he didn’t want to get married, he told me he did it because ‘then people know you’re with me’ needless to say I’ve now given the ring back and I am refusing to talk to him about the situation. Where do we go from here or is that 15 years down the drain?

OP posts:
Bonster37 · 09/01/2022 00:00

I’m just wondering as you have never been interested in booking wedding before now, can you really blame him for not being ready now? It’s like you suddenly decided you wanted to book a date after ten years.

Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 09/01/2022 00:09

Well tbh we have discussed it briefly in the past but we’ve always had other things to pay for and bereavement in the family. We are now in a position where we are able to afford a wedding. I don’t understand your comment of can you blame him for not being ready now as why ask someone to marry you if you had no intention of marrying the person? It’s not a case of not being ready now

OP posts:
scorpiogirly · 09/01/2022 00:39

I would be annoyed too. I think 10 years is a long enough engagement. Is getting married very important to you that it is a deal breaker?

Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 09/01/2022 10:32

I think I’m more upset that I feel the last 10 years have been a lie. And on that basis yes it is a deal breaker

OP posts:
Bonster37 · 09/01/2022 10:57

I just thought it came out of the blue but obviously if you have talked about it before then he should have been expecting it. I would be annoyed too if I were you. Feels like he has been stringing you along.

Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 09/01/2022 11:26

Oh yes it’s been talked about, straight after getting engaged we attended many wedding fairs but as I said we had a bereavement in the family that kind of put life on hold. If I’m honest over the years he’s brought it up more than me but now that I’ve mentioned as you said it seems like he’s stringing me along

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 09/01/2022 11:45

I can’t understand why you’ve left it for 10 years and now feel like your time has been wasted?

Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 09/01/2022 11:51

As I explained we have had a lot of things going on over the past 10 years and have always had other things to pay for. Now we are in a position that we would be able to afford a wedding without being lumbered with debt. I feel like the time has been wasted as the way he has explained his proposal means to me means that he never actually intended to get married therefor the relationship for the past 10 years was based on a lie. I would probably think differently if I had begged for a proposal but I never mentioned anything about it before he proposed

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 09/01/2022 11:58

From his reply I would feel like the ring was a label 'HIS' and not really a sign of commitment..
I get why you are pissed off... but personally I wouldnt have been waiting 10 years... and a wedding is just a wedding... an enchange of vows between two people which can be done in a registry office with the minimum of fuss and expense... if the two people involved really want to make that commitment.
And it is about that commitment to each other... regardless of what else is happening in life... a bit like having kids.. there is no 'perfect' time... you just made it happen... if it is really what you want.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 12:01

If a 15 year relationship is going to end because he won't marry you, when you've been engaged for 10 of those years, it's not a relationship that should lead to a marriage anyway.

If he agrees to marry you now he'll only do it to placate so what difference would that make?

Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 09/01/2022 12:05

Sorry I don’t understand why you wouldn’t expect a proposal to lead to marriage?

OP posts:
litterbird · 09/01/2022 12:05

I dont think he has any intention of getting married now. You could have easily popped to a registrar for next to nothing and got it done after he proposed. Its not expensive at all. I think this is all about commitment and the fact he thinks he owns you already with the engagement ring on your finger. He probably is a little bewildered with your reaction which seems out of the blue. Nothing really will help now, if he bows down to getting hitched to you there will be an underlying atmosphere that he is only doing it to keep you quiet. You've given the ring back to him now and you can consider yourself not engaged anymore. It is a deal breaker for you so now its a make or break situation. Accept no to marriage or move on.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 12:05

@Isntitironic1

Sorry I don’t understand why you wouldn’t expect a proposal to lead to marriage?
I don't understand why you'd wait 10 years to decide it's a dealbreaker
Butterfly44 · 09/01/2022 12:09

You can get married without blowing a fortune. His response back seemed finance oriented rather than the principal of getting married.

WorraLiberty · 09/01/2022 12:10

As much as you've been engaged for 10 years, it does sound as though you've both been rather blasé about marriage.

If a marriage was what you both wanted, there was never any need to get into debt etc. You both could've just done it quietly.

So given the sort of 'apathy' you both appeared to have fallen into over your years together, perhaps your sudden seriousness now has sort of thrown him?

I'd leave him to think it over and if his reply is still the same, you have your answer and a lot of thinking to do about the future - whether that's together or apart.

Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 09/01/2022 12:30

As much as I feel I shouldn’t have to justify the reasons some of you seem to be missing the point. Shortly after getting engaged my father became extremely ill and was unable to walk me down the aisle, we all hoped he would get better and over the next 4 years there was some improvement but unfortunately he died very suddenly. The thought of getting married and not having my dad walk me down the aisle broke my heart so it was put on the back burner. Fast forward and because of pregnancy I had put on weight and wanted to lose that weight to feel confident in a wedding dress. Financially we were having a difficult time due to investments that had gone wrong. Now I understand about being able to get married without spending a lot however we both have very large families, we talked about getting married in a small service with just immediate family and it caused so many arguments. As much as it’s difficult for others to understand family is very important to us both so we were just trying to keep the peace. Also I only plan on getting married once so I want to get married the way I want

OP posts:
2022success · 09/01/2022 12:33

What's your financial situation? How many DC do you have? Depending on the answers to those questions I might be tempted to tell him to shove his ring up his arse.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 12:34

Can you afford a big wedding without having to compromise on other things?

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 12:35

You say he's mentioned it lots in the past. Is he just tired of being rejected?

litterbird · 09/01/2022 12:35

I am sorry to read about your father, that must be truly upsetting. It sounds like you both have difficult families to deal with too which adds to the mix. One sentence stood out for me "Also I only plan on getting married once so I want get married the way I want". Please re read that sentence....it contains "I"...not "we"....your partner has to want this too and I have a feeling with this statement it may be best if you look at not getting married as it seems your partner doesnt really have a say in this. Just think carefully your reasons for this...is it really what your partner wants or just you? Its important as marriage is hard at the best of times, if you aren't on the same page it will be a disaster.

Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 09/01/2022 12:39

We have 3 children and have saved enough money to have (what I thought was OUR) dream wedding. We now have our dream home, dream cars etc so nothing else really to buy apart from other properties. Oh don’t worry I have told him where to shove his ring

OP posts:
mydogisthebest · 09/01/2022 12:50

Personally I think you are crazy to have been together 15 years and yet not married in all those years.

I get what you say about your dad and I am very sorry about that but you have had quite a few years since that.

You could have just gone and got married and then had the big expensive wedding later on.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 12:53

@Isntitironic1

We have 3 children and have saved enough money to have (what I thought was OUR) dream wedding. We now have our dream home, dream cars etc so nothing else really to buy apart from other properties. Oh don’t worry I have told him where to shove his ring
So what does he want to keep the money for?
RosieGuacamosie · 09/01/2022 12:54

Gently, it seems like you are very fixated on “getting married the way you want” i.e. the dream wedding as opposed to actually being married. Which do you want more, the dream wedding or the marriage?

Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 09/01/2022 13:00

@mydogisthebest

Personally I think you are crazy to have been together 15 years and yet not married in all those years.

I get what you say about your dad and I am very sorry about that but you have had quite a few years since that.

You could have just gone and got married and then had the big expensive wedding later on.

Quite a few years? 5 years spent being pregnant, overweight and not in a place mentally to be able to plan a wedding. I personally find it crazy that someone would get married and then have a big expensive wedding later on. Each to their own I suppose
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