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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marriage

60 replies

Isntitironic1 · 08/01/2022 23:24

So myself and fiancé have been engaged for 10 years, I’ve never really been interested in booking the wedding before now but I asked him last week if we should set a date, he started off making jokes saying he doesn’t want to get married he’d rather spend the money on other things. So today I blew my top with it and asked why he proposed if he didn’t want to get married, he told me he did it because ‘then people know you’re with me’ needless to say I’ve now given the ring back and I am refusing to talk to him about the situation. Where do we go from here or is that 15 years down the drain?

OP posts:

MadameFantabulosa · 09/01/2022 19:12

I don’t see the need for a big wedding if you’ve been together 15 years and have three kids. Just go to the register office snd get it done. It’s hardly as if you’re embarking on a shiny new life together, is it? Have a party if you want a party but your whole life seems to be a bit much dream this, dream that, so maybe time for a bit of reality?

RoyKentsChestHair · 09/01/2022 19:34

We wed in secret and pissed a lot of people off, but it was more important to us to be married before we bought a house and had a child.

You say “we”. It sounds like it was important to OP and she was under the impression that it would come in time due to her P proposing. Plenty of women have babies first and then marry later down the line. I wouldn’t do it, because for me the security of marriage was important. But not everyone is aware of the difference in protections for an unmarried mum v a married one, especially on a lower income than the dad. It’s only when they come to split up and realise that they’re fucked, that the problems show up. OP won’t be the first one to be strung along by false promises and believing a man when he says he wants to wait and do it right.

Stroopwaffle5000 · 09/01/2022 19:44

But it's your wedding, not theirs! If you don't want a big wedding, don't have one! If your family are going to be that annoyed, maybe it's best they keep their distance. They're not the kind of people I'd want to be around.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2022 21:21

You’re a grown women and a mum of 3 in a long term relationship, no potential family arguments should have this much affect on your decisions.

Your partner seems less keen on the big expensive wedding you’re now keen on. That’s fair enough. You seem more keen on the spectacle than the marriage. Equally fair enough but you’re not on the same page.

The main issue seems to be the lack of healthy proportionate communication. You’ve built a life together, been engaged a decade and can’t have a sensible conversation. Why not? He jokes, you blow your top, then tell him where to shove his ring? Is that the way you two usually talk to each other?

BadLad · 10/01/2022 00:40

Possible he's just not that bothered about it anymore, and can't see the point. You've been together for fifteen years, and engaged for ten, so any excitement about getting married will have long since waned and he probably can't see what being married will change in terms of day-to-day life. This isn't a "just a piece of paper" post - I'm aware there are important benefits and commitments of marriage - but there may be a feeling of "meh, why bother now?".

Where you go from here is to decide whether his refusal, or even his reluctance if you get begrudging agreement, is a deal-breaker for you.

Geppili · 10/01/2022 01:11

In whose name are the house and assets held? Just get him down to the RO and marry him! Save the money for an amazing honeymoon and put some in your pension pot.

Abbo552 · 10/01/2022 07:25

@Geppili

In whose name are the house and assets held? Just get him down to the RO and marry him! Save the money for an amazing honeymoon and put some in your pension pot.

Maybe he doesn’t want to marry for this very reason, you will be entitled to 50% of his assets and the “Shove your ring” message has put him off

Original poster

Isntitironic1 · 10/01/2022 09:29

Assets are in joint names, I work part time since having my first child but that’s another issue as he has made it clear he wants me to stop working and be a stay at home mum, for this reason he’s never helped with paying for or arranging childcare

OP posts:

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 10/01/2022 09:46

Hi OP. We got engaged 10 years ago after being together for 9 years. Got married last year. I feel I can relate. Only difference is I did bring it up a few times and never got round to booking it then my now DH said if you want to do it book something so I did. Then we got married. Book the venue and see how he reacts. I get why it's been left as we left it for many years due to other things happening so I'm not sure why you're getting hammered for that.

Original poster

Isntitironic1 · 10/01/2022 09:51

@teaandtoastwithmarmite

Thankyou, I feel like I’ve stepped into the 1950s with some of these comments

OP posts:

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