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Original poster

Marriage

60 replies

Isntitironic1 · 08/01/2022 23:24

So myself and fiancé have been engaged for 10 years, I’ve never really been interested in booking the wedding before now but I asked him last week if we should set a date, he started off making jokes saying he doesn’t want to get married he’d rather spend the money on other things. So today I blew my top with it and asked why he proposed if he didn’t want to get married, he told me he did it because ‘then people know you’re with me’ needless to say I’ve now given the ring back and I am refusing to talk to him about the situation. Where do we go from here or is that 15 years down the drain?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/01/2022 13:02

No matter what way you look at it OP, if you were both determined to be married you would've done it within the last 10 years.

You've told him to shove his ring, but what now?

Are you going to stay together or is no wedding a deal breaker?

Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 09/01/2022 13:04

Obviously marriage but why not have the wedding you want if you can afford it? Like I explained a small wedding is not an option as we both have very big families, even if we were to invite just close family and friends without aunties/uncles/cousins (who we are both very close to) we are talking 60+ people

OP posts:
Natty13 · 09/01/2022 13:13

All your reasons for delaying the last 10 years are perfectly valid, even if I totally disagree with most of them, but what I dont understand is why you seem to think that because YOU wanted to see if your dad would be well enough to walk you, YOU wanted to lose weight and YOU wanted to save money etc the wedding didn't happen but now that YOUR conditions seem to be met and you are ready your partner is supposed to jump to it?

WorraLiberty · 09/01/2022 13:17

A small wedding was always an option if the actual marriage was the most important thing.

But that's in the past now.

What are you going to do? Stay together or split?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 09/01/2022 13:27

Is the house in his name only Wink

Abbo552 · 09/01/2022 13:37

Oh don’t worry I have told him where to shove his ring

So now what ?, I assume your not engaged any more, are you splitting up

GoodnightGrandma · 09/01/2022 13:39

He’s probably realised that marriage isn’t the best thing any more.
You’ve been happy for 10 years, so why wouldn’t you be happy like this forever.
I’d be upset if I was you .

Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 09/01/2022 13:40

I’m not asking him to get married tomorrow I’m asking to set a date in the next couple of years. It’s not like I’ve said let’s get married next week. He has had issues too which I’ve been understanding about

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/01/2022 13:53

And what if he does not set a date within the next couple of years?. And why the next couple of years too (it’s kicking the can down the road) rather than say during the next three to six months?. In law you are still two people unrelated to each other, you will be treated as such if one of you pre deceases the other. If god forbid he predeceases you or you predecease him and you are not married then the person left behind could be in for a whole new world of financial hardship as well as emotional pain.

Bonster37 · 09/01/2022 14:04

Do you think that spending a large amount on a wedding just doesn’t appeal to him anymore? Once kids come along, house costs etc it’s hard to justify it. I had a big wedding but if I had to do it again tomorrow I would not spend the same.

mydogisthebest · 09/01/2022 15:27

@Isntitironic1 I personally find it crazy that people have expensive weddings but each to their own.

I just think if marriage is important to you why did you not have a wedding with just the 2 of you years ago? You could have married before you had children which would have put you in a much more secure situation should anything happen in the future.

You could then have saved for the wedding that you want. It seems it is not marriage that is important to you but the actual wedding

Pky45 · 09/01/2022 15:53

I personally find it crazy that someone would get married and then have a big expensive wedding later on. Each to their own I suppose

So clearly you think the wedding is more important then getting married.
Based what you have posted you want a big show off event, not a marriage, everything seems to be about you and your needs & wants and not his.
If you really have told him too shove his ring, I certainly wouldn’t marry you if I was in his shoes and I would probably be rethinking the entire relationship, sounds like you are trying to force his hand into marriage

preperri · 09/01/2022 15:56

why would you be engaged for ten years? Feels very odd that you wouldn't be married before then

Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 09/01/2022 16:03

@preperri

why would you be engaged for ten years? Feels very odd that you wouldn't be married before then
If you read previous comments I’ve explained this already
OP posts:
Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 09/01/2022 16:04

[quote mydogisthebest]**@Isntitironic1 I personally find it crazy that people have expensive weddings but each to their own.

I just think if marriage is important to you why did you not have a wedding with just the 2 of you years ago? You could have married before you had children which would have put you in a much more secure situation should anything happen in the future.

You could then have saved for the wedding that you want. It seems it is not marriage that is important to you but the actual wedding[/quote]
I’ve already explained why it couldn’t just be us 2 in previous comments

OP posts:
Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 09/01/2022 16:08

@Pky45

I personally find it crazy that someone would get married and then have a big expensive wedding later on. Each to their own I suppose

So clearly you think the wedding is more important then getting married.
Based what you have posted you want a big show off event, not a marriage, everything seems to be about you and your needs & wants and not his.
If you really have told him too shove his ring, I certainly wouldn’t marry you if I was in his shoes and I would probably be rethinking the entire relationship, sounds like you are trying to force his hand into marriage

I’m astounded that you’ve sumised that from my comments. I don’t want a big wedding unfortunately like I’ve explained already we both have very big families. I would be more than happy to get married with just us and our parents and children however it would cause too many arguments
OP posts:
Namenic · 09/01/2022 16:13

Tbh - I’d just get married at a small ceremony. I have a huge family with multiple cousins, 2nd cousins etc. 2 of my cousins had been with their partners for years and knew a ‘big’ wedding was ‘expected’, but it caused so much stress and in 1 case was also interrupted by the pandemic. So they just had small ceremony. People understood. If it’s the big expensive party that is bothering him then just do a small ceremony. One of the cousins had a party for family some time later - which was fun for people who went (they live abroad)

Namenic · 09/01/2022 16:16

I know people will get offended, but if it’s a choice between that and relationship ending, I’d offend some people - but plan something later (use pandemic as excuse)

Pky45 · 09/01/2022 16:18

@Isntitironic1
At the risk of sounding rude, you are using your big family’s as an excuse, if you wanted to be married, you would be married as others say,
What does it matter what other people think

WorraLiberty · 09/01/2022 16:20

I would be more than happy to get married with just us and our parents and children however it would cause too many arguments

That's a very weak 'argument' OP.

The more you post, the more it sounds like you've never been that bothered about having a marriage up until now.

This is possibly why your Fiancé has gone off the idea.

RoyKentsChestHair · 09/01/2022 16:21

Can I just check re the dream house, dream cars etc - are they all in both your names? Do you both earn similar amounts, with similar pensions, or have your years of raising 3 children had a detrimental effect on your career?

I totally understand where you’re coming from btw. After 15 years together you felt like you were building something together, but it sounds like he was just placating you, and that the ring was a placeholder for some kind of commitment rather than a commitment in and of itself.

FWIW I just ended a 9 year relationship. There were many reasons, but among them it became clear that he had no intention of ever marrying me, despite proposing a few years ago. Mainly I believe because he’s since become more successful and wouldn’t want me having any claim on his finances. If this could be at play in your relationship then you need to know that he’s not a partner if he’d happily leave you at a financial disadvantage having birthed and raised his 3 DCs.

WorraLiberty · 09/01/2022 16:21

And yes, an almost 2 year pandemic would've been the perfect excuse to keep the wedding tiny.

RoyKentsChestHair · 09/01/2022 16:23

And to all the people going on about why you didn’t marry before now, OP has already explained about her dad being ill then dying and there was also the small matter of a global pandemic fucking up wedding plans left right and centre for the last 2 years!!

Don’t know why you’re getting so many hostile replies.

Didimum · 09/01/2022 17:42

You don’t seem to be able to accept posters’ opinions on this, OP. The fact is, after 10yrs of status quo, your DP does not value weddings the same as you do. He’s not wrong, you’re not wrong, you’re just different.

Now that, however, you have expressed that it’s important to you, you should be able to reach a compromise. As that is what marriage is all about. You may not get your dream wedding, because you have to compromise too, but you should find some middle ground that you are both happy with.

If he won’t compromise, or you won’t, then the only option is to reevaluate your relationship.

bedheadedzombie · 09/01/2022 17:56

@RoyKentsChestHair

And to all the people going on about why you didn’t marry before now, OP has already explained about her dad being ill then dying and there was also the small matter of a global pandemic fucking up wedding plans left right and centre for the last 2 years!!

Don’t know why you’re getting so many hostile replies.

She didn't have a problem having three kids and buying a dream house and a dream car though. It's just a weird order of events. Most people marry first OR wait with the whole lot, not do half first and don't do the other half because of issues and tragedies. FWIW my mum and my FIL died before we wed so I get why it is emotional, but sometimes you need to do what's right for your life and deal with the emotions when they come. We wed in secret and pissed a lot of people off, but it was more important to us to be married before we bought a house and had a child. People forgive and forget after a while.

To me it sounds indeed as if the ring/proposal was to stamp "HIS" on you as a pp said. That would really thoroughly piss me off.