OLD - anyone else felt like this and actually met their one

[scorpiogirly]

I signed up to Bumble. Haven't done OLD for years and I hated POF because there were a fair few weirdos on there.

I keep swiping left. Asking myself who the hell are these men? They are unfamiliar, they seem like aliens to me, they may as well be from another planet.

Has anyone else felt like this and mat someone special?

Not quite 50 but i certainly met a lot. Around 35 i reckon over 3 years. 1 was my boyfriend for about 2 years, a few I met a few times. Last one was dh.

I never actually met anyone dodgy.

For those who went on lots of first dates before meeting their partner, can I ask if you found it easier over time not to get invested in people too soon? As I’m still relatively new to it I have a tendency to pin my hopes on dates, and then feel disproportionately disappointed/let down when it doesn’t go anywhere! I’m hoping it gets easier with practice

@Gettingonwithit12

For those who went on lots of first dates before meeting their partner, can I ask if you found it easier over time not to get invested in people too soon? As I’m still relatively new to it I have a tendency to pin my hopes on dates, and then feel disproportionately disappointed/let down when it doesn’t go anywhere! I’m hoping it gets easier with practice

Yes absolutely I met a LOT where I was so optimistic and built up a picture of them in my head and they turned up nothing like that

I think it helps to suggest an actual date early on.

My most recent first date turned up 5 months pregnant without warning. It's a horrible experience for most men as well. I'd encourage you to try and meet eligible men in your wider social circle.

Thanks for all the positive stories.

I've just been scanning Bumble. Far more right swipes than left. PoF is all left !!! I've had a couple of lovely relationships from OLD over the past 20 years so I know it can work but it's just so depressing 20 years older !!!
@bloodywhitecat I'm so sorry to hear your story.

@Gettingonwithit12

For those who went on lots of first dates before meeting their partner, can I ask if you found it easier over time not to get invested in people too soon? As I’m still relatively new to it I have a tendency to pin my hopes on dates, and then feel disproportionately disappointed/let down when it doesn’t go anywhere! I’m hoping it gets easier with practice

I met Mrs hr over 2 yrs ago on Bumble. However, I'd been using online dating for socializing for 2 yr. I got into a routine, match, minimal chat-go out. I had lots of fun and 1 heartbreak-met my future wife-carry a few friendships forward. Dating just becomes a routine. I and a 'Girl-friend' once went on 25 plus dates in less than a month, it all got a bit silly at some points.

I used Bumble and Tinder, Elite singles.
Pof is IMO a bit down market.

I don't think I'm elite enough for elite singles

Thanks @Frazzled2207 and @Hrpuffnstuff1. This thread has really cheered me up! It’s interesting to hear how other people have dealt with it all and that there are lots of positive stories out there.

Just make sure a friend knows where you are.
Have a safe word ready for an emergency bailout.

Even as a man I became suspicious sometimes.
I was once asked by a woman to meet her in York for dinner and stop in her hotel after. She was traveling and fancied some company, I got a bit freaked out by her request. Thinking maybe she was part of a gang that might rob me.
Anyhow, I declined her offer, she did check out as legit after a bit of sleuth work.
Meh, she had quite an impressive Instagram, lots of followers taking an interest in her exploits.
She looked very flexible in her pics.

My most recent first date turned up 5 months pregnant without warning
🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈
That’s bad ! I’m feeling that

Pof is actually depressing AF.

I met my dh online.
I agree with the poster who said they treated it like a second job. I put a lot of time and effort into it.
I had quite a few dates but wasn't in it for long at all.
I did meet another guy just before I met dh who was very interesting but I knew I could never have him as boyfriend material.
Even though dh contacted me first, it was me who bit the bullet and suggested we meet.
Despite socialising, I never met anyone at all in rl, so online was definitely the way forward for me.

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn

I've been on a few dating sites. No one has ever sent me a message I got friends to check my profile to make sure I wasn't doing it wrong. All good. I've sent messages. Never got a reply. So I gave up.

At a loss at what to do.
Maybe I'll try bumble.

I'd say im average looking, average body, almost 40 and divorced with a dd - not the worlds best catch but I actually do not bad on OLD in terms of getting matches & them messaging. Also had a good few dates but just never worked out.

One of my best friends on the other hand is stunning - like drop dead gorgeous. Ex model and very successful in her subsequent career. She rarely gets matches and when she does it's even rarer for them to reply! I don't know if they're intimidated or think her profile is fake!!

Just saying in case you're taking it personally but fall into a similar category as my friend

I met DH on POF 🤷🏼‍♀️

Totally agree with @DrFoxtrot said.
Same here, I wasn’t massively attracted by my now DH’s photos online (he was wearing a hideous jumper in one of them, and in many, just didn’t take a good photo). However, in real life, he’s absolutely gorgeous! On our first date, when he walked in, I couldn’t believe it!
A few years down the line, we’re married.
Most amazing man I’ve ever met, one of the true ‘good ones’.

BUT it took many years, many dates, many hideous relationships before finding him,sadly.

@Casper001

Genuinely interested as to what it is that's so disturbing about these men on Bumble (hoping I'm not one of them).

The dynamics of OLD are pretty bad and only really suit a small group of men that get the interest (and hence behave badly). I think women don't really help themselves either as the majority give their interest to a small group of men so are in part driving this.

@Casper001

'I think women don't really help themselves either as the majority give their interest to a small group of men so are in part driving this'

Driving this?

It's not surprising these small groups of men draw all the women, is it?

It's also sadly not uncommon for men to blame women for the mistreatment they receive from men generally, not just regarding their dating choices (which sorry, just comes across as sour grapes) .

On these apps there is going to be a good amount of men who look like they're on steroids, drink too much, look downright scary, weird, or who are simply unattractive to most women. Women are visually orientated as well to a degree. A lot will not go for weedy looking men who look unfit or unhealthy as physical attraction is still important in reproductive & sexual choices.

I really object to your choice to post here, saying we somehow drive our mistreatment for simply selecting men who look half decent!! Unfortunately, these kind of gems are getting more common on Mumsnet. There seems to be no corner of the internet now where men aren't doing this, not even on a forum meant primarily for women.

@EarthSight

Some of the posters on this thread have themselves stated that they've had relationships with men where the right swipe was an accident / not the type they'd typically go for.

I think for 80% of one sex to all go after 10 to 20% of the other sex is a driving factor. I'm just stating how OLD works.

The one thing I can guarantee is that if OLD continues in the pattern it does the behaviour of that group of men will not change (that 10 to 20%). Does that make women responsible for that groups behaviour, of course not, and it also doesn't make the rest of the men responsible either. All I'm saying is if the pattern continues it won't change and going by the volume of threads on the MN relationship boards about male behaviour on dating apps perhaps there needs to be a re-evaluation. That re-evaluation needs to come from outside of that small group of men in my opinion. Why thats such a gem I've no idea.

If you’d ever seen any of the cynical profiles these men put up - “fatties need not apply” “looking for slim attractive lady size 10-12” , or 70 year olds searching for and messaging women of 35-45 etc then you’d realise that men are also only looking for a very narrow selection of women online. As a nearly 50 year old fat woman with 3 teenagers I know I’m not every man’s cup of tea. And that’s ok. I’m not going to demand that all the hotties take me on a date so I can prove to them that I’m worth it. If they only want to date a slim 26 year old blonde, all power to them. Even if they do contact me I will be 99% sure they just want an easy shag, so wouldn’t take it seriously. OLD is hard for all of us, men don’t have it worse because they don’t look a certain way, we’re all competing with the rest of the internet for attention.

I can only speak for myself. I'm not look for people outside my own age bracket and I'm not looking for a type.

I take the point that there are a lot of deluded men on OLD. The OLD research would suggest there's a lot of deluded women also.

@bloodywhitecat

I married my accidental right swipe from Tinder, swiping him right instead of left was the best mistake I ever made.

☺️ love this!

Casper001

I’m curious what’s the group of men that you think everyone is going for ?
I’m 48 so I’m targeting my age range , but the main factors for me are
Like their smile
Funny profile
Similar ethos to me

So I’m not going for gym pics , rich men , businessman, cars etc

I’m genuinely curious not having a dig

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Casper001

I’m curious what’s the group of men that you think everyone is going for ?
I’m 48 so I’m targeting my age range , but the main factors for me are
Like their smile
Funny profile
Similar ethos to me

So I’m not going for gym pics , rich men , businessman, cars etc

I’m genuinely curious not having a dig

I don't know. But the research for OLD suggests it's very narrow. I'm not aiming to have a dig either.

I think its pretty dire for most (regardless of sex) or at least that is my conclusion. I'm sure there's many reasons, lack of accountability or repercussion, the amount of choice and the lack of trust which I assume continues in a spiral.

It jump seems a bit sad given this is the platform most dating exists upon these days.

I had some disasters but I also met online some men who made me laugh , made me horny , and made feel nice and pretty
And yeah they might ghost , dump me mid call
, not turn up for a call too
For me it’s been good and bad
Frankly the main benefit is I can do it from the comfort of my room !!