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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you stay with your partner if they decided to transition?

775 replies

RedRobyn2021 · 08/01/2022 21:06

I'm watching an episode of Queer Eye where this transwoman's partner said they stayed with them after they decided they wanted to transition and it got me thinking

If your partner decided they wanted to transition would you stay with them?

OP posts:
nothingcomestonothing · 09/01/2022 18:34

A world of no. And I'd be shocked and disappointed to find out that DP thought that woman is a costume, or a feeling, rather than my lived reality.

TinselAngel · 09/01/2022 18:37

I hadn't really considered the impact changing his genitals to basically non-functioning ones would have but we've had long periods of our relationship without sex, and it's been hard, but I've stayed with him because he means more to me than sex.

My ex husband confirmed his intention to embark on a pathway that would lead to castration while we were still nominally trying for a second child. He offered to have his sperm frozen for me, but I declined, and put the house on the market.

TinselAngel · 09/01/2022 18:41

I should also say we were heavily in debt by then, so fuck knows where the money for hypothetical sperm freezing and subsequent unnecessary IVF was supposed to be going to come from.

Daleksatemyshed · 09/01/2022 18:43

No, absolutely no.

Society has conditioned women to think that their needs come second to their male partners, if he has a hobby they're supposed to pick up the slack while he goes off and enjoys himself, if he has a sexual fetish they're supposed to accommodate it, even when they dislike it and find it a turn off. Telling your wife that you're really a woman just seems so selfish to me. If you always felt that way then you married whilst keeping back a huge secret and that is hugely wrong and you shouldn't expect anyone to just accept it.

StationaryMagpie · 09/01/2022 18:46

i'm single, but if my Ex wanted to, i'd think he'd gone daft, because he never ever showed any signs of it.

In Angels case, i think it was different, she's young, clearly never felt ok in her skin, and its not like she's embraced full Femme either.. i think she's someone that just wants to be herself.

I did feel a little for the GF, but she was the one who nominated Angel for this, so obviously wants to support her.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 09/01/2022 18:49

No I wouldn't. I would like to think I could support him (or her) but think I would feel betrayed and lied to for 20 years so I'm not sure I would have it in me.

I'm not gay so I couldn't stay in a 'marriage' with someone who wanted to transition to female.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/01/2022 18:52

@EarthSight

I'm not sure if I can answer that for myself, but I wonder if if the women who do stay are either not completely straight, or if they have willingly said goodbye to the sexual aspect to their marriage. Maybe it was never something important in the first place.
I said upthread I wasn't sure at this stage in my life what I would do.

I am not gay and we have not said goodbye to sex. And a healthy sexual relationship has always been important to us. But at this point, retired and in our 60s, the sexual aspect of marriage is not as important as the wonderful companionship we share as a long married couple. If my DH were to lose his sexual function tomorrow I'd say goodbye to sex with no regrets. As I'd hope he would do if I were to lose mine.

I certainly would not feel any attraction nor consent to any kind of physical or sexual relationship with my DH if he were to transition. That would be a dealbreaker. But would I give up sex, live platonically, to keep our companionship IF there were no other issues? Theoretically, yes. It's just that right now it's such a hypothetical situation that I can't really give a definitive answer. If it actually happened I may very well run screaming in the opposite direction.

TinselAngel · 09/01/2022 18:53

I'm not sure if I can answer that for myself, but I wonder if if the women who do stay are either not completely straight, or if they have willingly said goodbye to the sexual aspect to their marriage.
More likely they are victims of coercive control.

AshLane · 09/01/2022 18:56

No.

I'm pondering even how to respond here, not sure how I can correctly explain myself and apologising in case I offend.

But no, my DH would be so unattractive to me as a woman. He's a muscular, thick set, very hairy ex rugby player. Just no.

frazzledasarock · 09/01/2022 18:57

No, I wouldn’t find him attractive presenting as his idea of a woman.

sadpapercourtesan · 09/01/2022 18:58

Sexually it would be game over, but I wouldn't leave. I love him. We've been together since we were teenagers, brought up two kids and been through hell together; I wouldn't leave him because of something like this. I would struggle with it though, I won't lie; it would be hard.

FerretFumbler · 09/01/2022 19:01

Absolutely not.
No way would I play into his fetish.

HappyStep1 · 09/01/2022 19:12

I have a friend who's husband thinks he may be transgender.
He has put her through hell making her feel she wasn't loved or good enough, removed any intimacy, without communication of why, yet she has chosen to stay and support.
Just saying no, I wouldn't comes from the lucky position of not having to make that decision.

Soontobe60 · 09/01/2022 19:48

[quote Flappyface]@UltraVividLament

It really is. The views on here about anything trans or even drag is disgusting.[/quote]
Yes you’re right. Drag IS disgusting - parodying women is as bad as blackface.

Hb12 · 09/01/2022 20:00

Nope.

ChristmasCatNo2 · 09/01/2022 20:09

No way! I'd wish him luck and a life of happiness though and would stay as friends if he wanted to.

jeaux90 · 09/01/2022 20:21

No

Runningincircles · 09/01/2022 20:32

No!!!!! I can barely stays with him and his entitled views now!

EarthSight · 09/01/2022 20:57

@Daleksatemyshed

No, absolutely no.

Society has conditioned women to think that their needs come second to their male partners, if he has a hobby they're supposed to pick up the slack while he goes off and enjoys himself, if he has a sexual fetish they're supposed to accommodate it, even when they dislike it and find it a turn off. Telling your wife that you're really a woman just seems so selfish to me. If you always felt that way then you married whilst keeping back a huge secret and that is hugely wrong and you shouldn't expect anyone to just accept it.

I don't agree with all of this post, but I do agree with this -

Society has conditioned women to think that their needs come second to their male partners, if he has a hobby they're supposed to pick up the slack while he goes off and enjoys himself, if he has a sexual fetish they're supposed to accommodate it, even when they dislike it and find it a turn off

Egghead68 · 09/01/2022 20:57

@nothingcomestonothing

A world of no. And I'd be shocked and disappointed to find out that DP thought that woman is a costume, or a feeling, rather than my lived reality.
Yes this. Well put.
EarthSight · 09/01/2022 21:10

@beautifullymad

If you love the very bones of someone, how can you not support them and carry on being married to them?

Surely you are married to the person and not their identified gender

You might still love someone, but when people get married, they take it as a given that the person they're marrying will not be deliberately changing their body to resemble that of the opposite sex. In that way you do marry someone's sex - it's reproductive instinct.

For many women, the sound of a man's voice is incredibly important. They might not mind a bit of effeminate dressing now and again, but the heterosexual relationship they committed to was one where their partner looked like a man (male).

Exact comparisons aren't possible, but imagine someone who hates tattoos and piercing suddenly discovering that their partner has plans to get their entire body tattooed and pierced here there and everywhere, maybe for some random spiritual or religious reason. I'm sure that's some people's thing, but it would be so different to the person they thought they had married.

Suzi888 · 09/01/2022 21:10

Nope, never.

EarthSight · 09/01/2022 21:10

*For many women, the sound of a man's voice is incredibly important. They might not mind a bit of effeminate dressing now and again, but the heterosexual relationship they committed to was one where their partner looked and sounded like a man (male).

Rightshoardingsaurus · 09/01/2022 21:16

No!

RedToothBrush · 09/01/2022 21:36

No.

And I'd hope that given they were doing it to make themselves happy, that they'd be sympathetic to how it would make me feel as if it had destroyed mine.

Its so utterly disrespectful and dishonest to enter a relationship with those feelings and expect your partner years down the line to just go along with it or else they are somehow not loving enough.

Thats abusive and controlling.

You enter a marriage based on mutual respect. I don't think you can maintain that if the goalposts are moved to change someones identity in this way.

When my brother transitioned, the common phrase was 'well he's still your brother' - which missed the point that they weren't. They weren't the same person. They were asking to be treated in a completely different way and for me to respond accordingly. They were asking for me to erase my history and retell it as if I'd had the experience of growing up with a sister. Which I didn't.

I was being asked to be complicit and an accessory to a fantasy even if that came at my expense. Because otherwise you are somehow 'a bad transphobic person'.

The answer is no because of the lack of mutual respect and where the demands lie. Who has the power and who doesn't? Its not women who are told whats going to happen and then have to decide after their partner has already made that decision.

If your marriage terms were as man and wife (which most vows will state in some form if its a heterosexual relationship) then its a contractual breech.

Its not something that gets put up for renegotiation by one party years down the line.