If you have adult DCs, do you feel like you know all the important things about them?

[Lolalasagna]

It occurred to me this morning that my mother has no idea why I don't have children...we have never ever spoken about it (and I'm now almost 50). It's just the way life has panned out for me rather than a specific decision to be childfree, or infertility but she doesn't know that, she's never asked or shown any interest. Is that odd?

Could she have been respecting your privacy or is it a pattern of disinterest?

My eldest is in his twenties. He shares some stuff with me, including important stuff, but I've no doubt he doesn't share everything.

My mother (and father) would have waited for me to broach the subject, and I do the same with my adult DC. I see it as respect rather than lack of interest.

I guess we've never been massively close, there are a lot of things she doesn't know about me. She tends to avoid any conversations that may reflect badly on her (and part of the reason I don't have kids is very much to do with my own experiences of being parented). Literally the only times it's ever come up are once when I was quite young and she said to me 'you shouldn't have kids you're not the type for it', and then maybe 10 or so years ago when she said she was glad I hadn't had children because I'd be available to be her carer in old age (soon put her straight on that one!).

I was just musing that if I did have an adult DD, I'd hope we would talk about something that's quite fundamental. It would absolutely be none of my (hypothetical) business if she didn't want to talk about it obvs but I think I'd just have expected it to crop up in conversation at some point.

My mum definitely doesn't know the important things about me. I've been dealing with infertility for almost 10 years. Been through specialist appointments and treatment etc in that time and am about to start my adoption journey.
My mum thinks DH and I are career focused weirdos who don't want kids because we enjoy saving money and going on holidays.
I don't correct her because she's a worrier and this is better than her feeling sorry for me.

I've never directly told my dad but he's made a few comments about how it's not as easy as just 'having a baby' when people have asked us in front of him so I think he's figured it out.
I'll tell him at some point I think as he's more accepting of things like this without the pity.

My MIL can read DH like a book and they have no secrets so while he doesn't tell her everything, she knows the important stuff.

Just sitting having a conversation with my DS (21) about the likelihood of him & his GF having kids, being able to buy a house, childcare costs, the gender pay gap, etc I can’t imagine not having these type of talks with my kids, but I guess I would say that I have a close relationship with them.

Sorry your mum wasn’t a great parent and is still more focussed on what you can do for her rather than vice Versa

No because they have a right to their own privacy.
I would hope they know they can come to me.
But I feel it's up to them to start any conversation due to their private life.

I think it would feel like I'm fishing for information.

My eldest is late 20s lives with her partner she doesn't appear to like children very much but I'd never dream of asking her if she/they want babies it really isn't my business,your mum probably thought the same

At the moment, yes, my DC (20's) talk to me.

When/if they have long term partners that could change.

I mean we talk about other "life things" I'm not totally closedoff I just think some aspects of an adults life is private .

@Mrsjayy do you think in 20 years time, if she hasn't had children, you won't know the reason why / you'll never have talked about it? I can see with young adult DCs why it isn't a subject you'd want to raise for many many reasons, but when it becomes obvious that the time for children has passed, wouldn't you maybe have had a conversation about it at some point?

I'm finding I really interesting how many of you say you wouldn't ask though, maybe my mum's not that odd after all!

It is nobody else's business as to whether a person has/doesn't have children - and that includes parents!

@BorderlineHappy couldn't agree more!

There's plenty of things I never told my parents and I can tell my sons do not like being questioned from teenagers onwards so I try not to do so. They tell you important things in their own time if they want to, they are entitled to privacy. I already know that my eldest does not intend having children because he told me but I don't know why. I suspect I know why but know him well enough not to question him just take any information he gives me with acceptance and wish him a happy and healthy life.

DD always jokes with me that I'd know when she was 5 minutes pregnant! She is an open book - sometimes too much so.

Maybe we will talk about it in years to come who knows I won't bring it up though. My Sister is child free and for a while my mum went on and on about her having a baby sister was peeved about it.

@ajandjjmum My other Dd is like that a definite oversharer🙄

I think children are quite a sensitive issue so I definitely wouldn't bring it up if it was my DC.

@Hbh17

It is nobody else's business as to whether a person has/doesn't have children - and that includes parents!

You mean why rather than whether, yes? Because I would ask a random at the bus stop whether they have children. It's not confidential information.

No. I only know what they want to tell me, and somehow we’ve reached a position where I no longer feel that I can ask the things I used to.

I wouldn't have discussed topics similar to that with my mother (children was discussed but I've worked/babysat, etc. with children from 13 years old) because she never fostered that kind of relationship.

My own children (22, 21, 19) discuss all sorts with both DH and me because we've worked on building that kind of bond. I know they don't tell me everything and I'd think it a bit odd if they did. Because of how deferent it is from my relationship with my mother there are times when I feels weird to me.

I've never directly told my dad but he's made a few comments about how it's not as easy as just 'having a baby' when people have asked us in front of him so I think he's figured it out.

What a lovely man

@Hbh17

It is nobody else's business as to whether a person has/doesn't have children - and that includes parents!

This.

The main thing that’s odd is she’s “glad” because that means you can care for her in old age.

I'm really close to my DM but she also doesn't know the reason I don't have children.

I mean I'm sure she thinks she knows, but there are multiple reasons some of which are very personal that I'm not going to tell my mum, some which would hurt her feelings and other which I fine - I left it a bit late, was never that interested.

We have an amazing bond but surely it's a normal part of having a healthy relationship with your parents that you communicate as two adults - you both choose what you want to share.