If you have adult DCs, do you feel like you know all the important things about them?

[Lolalasagna]

It occurred to me this morning that my mother has no idea why I don't have children...we have never ever spoken about it (and I'm now almost 50). It's just the way life has panned out for me rather than a specific decision to be childfree, or infertility but she doesn't know that, she's never asked or shown any interest. Is that odd?

My dad doesn't know me very well. I have given up trying tbh. He's stuck in his conception of me as a 15 year old. He's a lovely person and he loves me, but he doesn't like me very much and worries a lot about how other people find me. Which is understandable, as he thinks I behave like a 15 year old with mental health problems in my forties. But...I don't.

He's really convinced I've ruined my life through bad experiences at school. I'm... honestly totally over that? Like, a long time ago? I have encountered some real struggle (much more than school bullies!!) in my life but really do have a great life - lots of friends, lovers, meaningful work in well paid senior role, and even won numerous international awards etc. I don't mean to brag but it's honestly a little bewildering at this point. So I just let it be and don't press the issue. Or tell him most things!

It bothers you she hasn't asked because you want the opportunity to tell her its because of the childhood she gave you. Even if you haven't had chance to spell it out then I'd be surprised if she was completely unaware of your feelings, and probably doesn't want to open that box.

Interesting question. I think that as my kids have got older they have shared less and less. Although I think my dd has probably shared more. So, in brief no, I don't think I know them as well as I would like.

@5128gap you're far off the mark with that assumption, but also perceptive! Would I like the opportunity to have that conversation with her, yes. I do struggle with the fact that she is, or seems at least, oblivious to how my childhood has impacted me, in all sorts of ways. Would I ever actually say it, no. She's an old lady now, she's changed a lot and does her best, and whilst the conversation might achieve something for me, all it would do for her is upset her terribly. She has over the years made a few comments that tell me she does know it, deep down, but any time we get close to a difficult or honest conversation she glosses over it, or changes the subject. I've made my peace with it to a certain extent, it's not a discussion I will have with her unless she raises it, which is highly unlikely.

Neither of my parents have the remotest idea that our childhoods had such a lasting, negative impact on us (including all my siblings choosing to be childfree because of it) — presumably they wouldn’t have made those decisions (eg having so many children when they could barely feed them, and we shared a tiny bathroomless house with several elderly members of the extended family, so there were children sharing a bed with two others, sleeping on the floor or on the sofa etc for years) if they had any awareness that children need more than basic food and shelter.

They were both from deprived, dysfunctional backgrounds themselves, so they thought and think we had a perfectly normal upbringing.

There is absolutely no point in trying to disabuse them of this now they’re in their 70s.

So, no, neither of my parents knows anything important about me.

No, it's not odd. I don't ask my adult children a lot of invasive questions as I respect their privacy.

This is timely as I recently went out with friends who described their DDs as ‘their best friends’ who told them everything.

It did make me question my relationship with my DDs (early 20s). I would say we are close, and we have a good time together, mostly! They know I’m always here for them but they certainly don’t tell me everything!

Not sure I’d want them pouring their hearts out every night about every single thing .. which seems to be the case with my friends.

My sons are 40 and 37, and I see them every week (bot of them live fairly close by). I'd say I know them very well. We do have some in-depth conversations (separately and together)

My mother knows bugger all about me. That is deliberate on my part - she is a narcissist, incapable of emotional support, and the first and last time I tried as an adult (I was 21, 32 years ago) she immediately ignored what I was saying and made the conversation all about her.

My mother is Catholic, and has never understood why I didn't want children. If she knew I'd had two abortions she would disown me.

@Frenchfurze Good god, are you me? I have two brothers, all of us are now in our 50s and we are all deliberately childless because of the lasting effects of our childhood. Much the same, we were fed and clothed but that was it. Neither of my parents were deprived, and only my mother's was dysfunctional, but my father was rarely there after I turned 10 - he'd never wanted to be a father in the first place. Ignored and barely tolerated is the best way I can describe my childhood.

Thing is I don’t know if I know the important things. Maybe I think I do but maybe there’s something I haven’t even thought of?

I mean I try and be interested but she’s closer to her boyfriend than me and probably shares more stuff with him. I don’t think she likes me very much sometimes.

My eldest is in her mid-30s and no sign of children. But I wouldn't dream of asking her why not. I think it's a really intrusive question. If there are issues, then she gets to choose whether or when to tell me. If they've decided they want to remain child-free, that's their business.