If you have adult DCs, do you feel like you know all the important things about them?

[Lolalasagna]

It occurred to me this morning that my mother has no idea why I don't have children...we have never ever spoken about it (and I'm now almost 50). It's just the way life has panned out for me rather than a specific decision to be childfree, or infertility but she doesn't know that, she's never asked or shown any interest. Is that odd?

I have two relatively young adult sons.
One still half lives with us and the other has bought a house with his girlfriend.
They both phone at least every other day and call round several times a week.
I guess I know what I need to know from them.
They talk and ask for advice around their finances.
They talk a lot about their careers. Youngest is pushing Dh into a business with him.
They have both said they dont want children, but I was saying exactly the same at their age. If they never had any i wouldn't bring the convo up about why.

@Lolalasagna

I guess we've never been massively close, there are a lot of things she doesn't know about me. She tends to avoid any conversations that may reflect badly on her (and part of the reason I don't have kids is very much to do with my own experiences of being parented). Literally the only times it's ever come up are once when I was quite young and she said to me 'you shouldn't have kids you're not the type for it', and then maybe 10 or so years ago when she said she was glad I hadn't had children because I'd be available to be her carer in old age (soon put her straight on that one!).

I was just musing that if I did have an adult DD, I'd hope we would talk about something that's quite fundamental. It would absolutely be none of my (hypothetical) business if she didn't want to talk about it obvs but I think I'd just have expected it to crop up in conversation at some point.

she was glad I hadn't had children because I'd be available to be her carer in old age

I think this is very much the reason why some people don't show more Lots of people fuck up their children and then wonder why those people don't want to have a family of their own. In your case your mum is trying to see the bright side of that :/ It suits people like this to have you always available to them and they don't want anything else to be your priority.

Posted too soon. Meant to post -

Lots of people fuck up their children and then wonder why those people don't want to have a family of their own. In your case your mum is trying to see the bright side of that :/ It suits people like this to have you always available to them and they don't want anything else to be your priority.

@IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy

My mum definitely doesn't know the important things about me. I've been dealing with infertility for almost 10 years. Been through specialist appointments and treatment etc in that time and am about to start my adoption journey. My mum thinks DH and I are career focused weirdos who don't want kids because we enjoy saving money and going on holidays. I don't correct her because she's a worrier and this is better than her feeling sorry for me.

I've never directly told my dad but he's made a few comments about how it's not as easy as just 'having a baby' when people have asked us in front of him so I think he's figured it out.
I'll tell him at some point I think as he's more accepting of things like this without the pity.

My MIL can read DH like a book and they have no secrets so while he doesn't tell her everything, she knows the important stuff.

My mum thinks DH and I are career focused weirdos who don't want kids because we enjoy saving money and going on holidays

I don't know how you can tolerate this kind of judgment from her unless you have actively led her to think that for her own benefit. I think I would have set her straight a long time ago so she can show a bit more sensitivity and maturity towards those without children.

If you asked my mother this question, she’d say yes, but she’d be very wrong.

My mother thinks she has the right to know everything about my life but I find her very judgemental so I'm selective about what I share (which results her in calling me secretive.)
I'm trying hard not to make the same mistakes with my own children.

My ex MIL did not know why her other son did not have children but she was brought up not to even comment on what people were wearing so unlikely to talk about this . I would have expected a mother to know why you didn't have children - why have YOU not told her ?

My mum wouldn't ask personal questions, she knows what I choose to share. One of my DD's I pretty much everything because she's autistic and needs help navigating our world, the other is very open but obviously I only know what she shares, dsd tends to share a lot with me, a sounding board, because she knows I don't judge her, I'm not her parent (she also knows I will tell her dad things that she struggles to tell him directly)

I have adult dc and think I know the 'important' things about them (thought I suppose it depends what you deem 'important'), but I wouldn't pry, or ask questions - in this case about their sex life - as I think all adults have a right to privacy.

The relationships I have with all of them, I think I would expect, at some point, the dc to have raised it with me in your circumstance. So it seems strange to me that you haven't gone to her with something that is quite a big decision, but are then saying you find it odd that she hasn't ^asked. Seems wrong way round to me.

I'm really close to my DC, and we talk about all sorts of things, including the serious stuff. However I never assume I know everything about them, and I'm led by them on coversations that are personal. I've always been close to my parents but there was stuff I didn't share with them, and my DC have the same right.

So to those who are close to their DC - that's great, but don't assume you know everything. And that's as it should be.

In your case Op, it seems that your Mum's lack of interest might not be coming from a position of respect for your privacy though.

My late DM and I had a very open honest relationship,very unusual for the time,(I was born in 1950) I have with my 4 kids,not quite so much with the boys,as the girls. Quite honestly,done of the things that they've shared I would have preferred not to know. I don't like my nose in,or give advice or an opinion unless asked

I think this is one of those things where if they haven't told you I'd assume there was either nothing to tell or they didnt want me to know. Its definitely not something that you ask

I have 2 DDs, 21 & 22. My eldest is SNs, so I know most of her life, but know next to nothing about her life on her phone, laptop etc!! I do ask her every so often if shes keeping safe online!! My younger daughter, I like to think that I know the important stuff-but who knows really??!! They both know that Im here for them without judgement & to help them problem solve if needed, for the best outcome for them<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Smile" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/smile-iCO8d7ST.png"><img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Smile" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/smile-iCO8d7ST.png"> Ive always told them that Im here 24/7, never ever think that you cant wake me up if you need me-I wish there was a love emogi I could on here!!!

I know a lot about my daughter we also share friendship groups so I know a lot. My son is a closed book. Doesn't tell me anything "important" however I don't ask as he's very private

My children are in their late 30's and I'm really close to them both. But there are things that I don't know about them, of course. They don't overshare about their entire lives, and neither do I . Their reproductive plans would certainly come into that category - I don't ask personal stuff like that . They are both married and to me, things like that are for their partners, not for Mum expecting to know all the details over a cup of tea.

Regarding your original question, yes if they'd got to this age and hadn't shown any possibility of having children, I'd wonder about it. But I'd hope that they would initiate a conversation about it. Once they told me I'd be very supportive, of course, but my parenting plan doesn't include weaseling information out of them.

It's just the way life has panned out for me rather than a specific decision to be childfree, or infertility

This comment of yours is telling - nothing in particular has happened to make you decide one way or another. So there has never been an incident where your mother would ask " how is it going with the fertility doctor" or something similar. You've obviously never raised the topic with her, so it's strange to me that you'd expect her to raise it with you.

Why don't you just have a cup of tea with her one day soon, and tell her why you never had kids ?

For those asking why I haven't told her...we have never ever talked about stuff like that, conversations about sex, bodily functions, romantic relationships were all kind of, banned, I guess growing up. She was very religious, less so now. My lesson on contraception as a teen basically went "if you get pregnant I will force you to have the baby, if I ever find out you've had a termination behind my back I'll disown you".

I would literally have to start a conversation with 'hey mum, would you like to know why I haven't had kids?'. And like a PP said above, some of those reasons would be hurtful to her, if I was going to be completely honest about it.

I wasn't asking if it was odd she hadn't asked, I was asking if it's odd she didn't know, regardless of how the conversation might have come about. It sounds like it's not odd at all, so you've all answered my question, thank you! I think because I've never had that kind of open relationship with her, and I don't have DCs myself, I have no gauge for what is 'normal' hence asking the question.

And the whole 'glad you don't have kids so you can look after me' is a whole other thread in itself! My mum isn't a particularly selfish person, but she has some funny ideas about what children 'owe' their parents based on her own upbringing, and the 'honour thy mother and father' type stuff in the Bible.

@EarthSight you are bang on with that comment though! DM lives at the other end of the country near DSis and once DSis had a baby DM actually said that she'd better move near me now as she wouldn't be DSis's priority any more!

Wow - that's shocking from your DM @Lolalasagna. I would have thought most mothers would have been so excited about their DGC, their own care wouldn't get a look in. Also very weird that she should think of that.

My DC know that I want to be put in to a nice home, but I certainly don't want to clutter theirs!

[quote Lolalasagna]@EarthSight you are bang on with that comment though! DM lives at the other end of the country near DSis and once DSis had a baby DM actually said that she'd better move near me now as she wouldn't be DSis's priority any more![/quote]
That must be incredibly claustrophobic with a mother you don't have a great relationship with.

@EarthSight I'm very good at boundaries

I have two young adult DSs in their twenties. DS2 has some SN and we talk a lot about things/ he shares most things with me. DS1 less so, but will talk to me about specific worries or about important decisions, jobs, money etc. I don't know everything about his life though or his relationships etc, and I think that's as it should be.

They talk to me much more than DH I think, which annoys him, but it's his own fault because he's not good at respecting privacy and will forget if he's been told something in confidence and blurt it out in a question at a family meal for example . So now we just don't tell him anything!

I have 2 adult children, a DS and a DD. I feel that DH and me have a close relationship with both. Both have long term relationships now with lovely partners so obviously there is a lot of their life we don’t share but we still have a close relationship, speak often and can discuss anything if they want to.
I have made it a priority that this is the case though. I don’t have a close relationship with DM. We try but it’s just not there and she doesn’t really know the “real” me. Despite being nearly 60, I still feel that I can’t be me with her, that somehow I’m not enough (long back story). I’ve felt judged over the years and can’t relax in her company. It is a source of sadness tbh and I’ve made a conscious effort that my relationship with our DC will be the one that I wish I’d had with my own DM. I feel I’ve succeeded and those relationships are a source of great joy to me. I feel that they can (and have) tell me anything although I appreciate that their relationships with their partners make this less likely to happen now.

@NormaSnorks

I have two young adult DSs in their twenties. DS2 has some SN and we talk a lot about things/ he shares most things with me. DS1 less so, but will talk to me about specific worries or about important decisions, jobs, money etc. I don't know everything about his life though or his relationships etc, and I think that's as it should be.

They talk to me much more than DH I think, which annoys him, but it's his own fault because he's not good at respecting privacy and will forget if he's been told something in confidence and blurt it out in a question at a family meal for example . So now we just don't tell him anything!

Glad I'm not the only one with a DH like that!

I think they tell me what they want me to know and that's it. I don't ask tbh, dd1 would be huffy, ds1 would lie, ds2 would probably spill his guts but I'd feel bad for putting him on the spot.