Leaving DP, 8 month old DD together

[Chuchali]

I've been with my DP for 5 years, since I was 17 and I'm now 22 and I want to leave, I'm deeply unhappy and have been for a while but I feel guilty and scared and I would like a handhold/some advice on how to go about it.

DP is 30, has a history of depression, suicidal thoughts, drink and drug problems (has been sober for years now) and has previously told me if I ever left he'd go back to drinking.

He loves DD, is a lovely dad to her but we just don't get on. He isn't a nice person, we argue constantly, he makes nasty comments all the time, he is rude to people, argumentative, he has depression which I find really difficult to live with (I've tried helping him by getting him counselling and to speak to the GP), he won't go out and do stuff with me, the first few weeks of DDs life are ruined for me as he spent the whole time being really spiteful and nasty to me including laughing at me when the baby blues hit and I was crying because he wouldn't hand DD back to me, the list goes on.

After a year together he wanted to move to another city 300 miles away from my friends and family to "further his career" and said he was going wether I was coming or not so I stupidly went with him, we spent three years there and he spent the whole time unemployed and I really resent him for that as what should've been the most exciting years for me were spent hours away from my friends and family and working to pay for both of us.

He doesn't have a single friend, it's just me and him and all the friends I've made since having DD he's bad mouthed or tried to get me to stop seeing them (we planned a group day out at the aquarium but he didn't want me to go as he wanted to be the first to take DD, I wanted to go for a walk with two friends in Wales but he didn't want me to take DD that far away etc)

At the moment he is being really nice to me but I still want to go, I've tried to discuss being unhappy a few times but I'm told I'm being hormonal or being silly and when I discussed it yesterday he said we are fine it's just because we are tired and living in a small flat.

So I feel like I can't have a sensible discussion with him about being unhappy as he just shuts it down, so I'm going to have to straight up tell him I don't want to be with him anymore which makes me feel horrible.

Sorry for the rant I could just really do with some advice/a push because I'm really scared and feeling alone. Please be nice!

You don't need his permission to leave. Don't discuss. Just tell him it is over and do not allow him to talk you out of it. Make concrete plans to physically leave.

You need to leave. Perhaps leave and tell him after you have gone.

Are you happy to stay local to where you are now or do you want to relocate to your home area.

Does he work, do you work?

If you live in Scotland you can't just relocate to England unfortunately.

@RandomMess

You need to leave. Perhaps leave and tell him after you have gone.

Are you happy to stay local to where you are now or do you want to relocate to your home area.

Does he work, do you work?

If you live in Scotland you can't just relocate to England unfortunately.

I wouldn't be able to leave without him knowing as he is always at home, he doesn't work. I work but I'm on maternity leave.

I can't afford to stay local unfortunately. We both live in England and I'm planning to move to Wales although I hadn't considered if that was allowed without his permission?

Do you think he would get aggressive or violent if you were to leave? If so then you must call Womens Aid for support or the police to assist you when leaving.

You absolutely should not discuss anything with him and certainly do not need his permission at all. I know its scary but you need to be firm. He sounds abusive and controlling. Also by talking to the police in advance you will have some evidence in case things escalate when you leave.

Why would you need his permission? Does he need your permission to do things? You're in an abusive relationship. I'd start looking at accommodation in Wales immediately.

Have you got family support op, could you stay with relatives until you get on your feet?
Can anyone physically help you move?
Make a list of anyone you need to contact with account numbers and contact details , utilities providers, landlord etc, don't let him run up debts in your name.
Best of luck.

I know this doesn't make any difference to OP, but you absolutely can just relocate between Scotland and England at any time and without any legal or immigration requirements whatsoever. Scotland is (for now) still part Of the UK.

@pinkyredrose

Why would you need his permission? Does he need your permission to do things? You're in an abusive relationship. I'd start looking at accommodation in Wales immediately.

Sorry I didn't mean permission to leave, I mean permission to take DD to live in Wales, I don't know if it's legal to take her without his permission?

@crystalize

Do you think he would get aggressive or violent if you were to leave? If so then you must call Womens Aid for support or the police to assist you when leaving.

You absolutely should not discuss anything with him and certainly do not need his permission at all. I know its scary but you need to be firm. He sounds abusive and controlling. Also by talking to the police in advance you will have some evidence in case things escalate when you leave.

I don't think so, he has never been violent but has been aggressive before but hasn't since starting new medication I will look at Women's Aid thank you

@Holshicup

Have you got family support op, could you stay with relatives until you get on your feet? Can anyone physically help you move? Make a list of anyone you need to contact with account numbers and contact details , utilities providers, landlord etc, don't let him run up debts in your name. Best of luck.

My mum and dad are really supportive, my Dad has friends with vans and cars who can help me with moving. I could stay with my mum as a last resort but wouldn't be able to bring my pets with me and I don't have anywhere they can stay and me and DD would have to share a box room so I'd rather find myself a flat first but it's still an option

I've got a folder with all bills in although most are online now and they are all in my name. Would it be best to change it to his name before leaving?

Thank you

@ExasperatedTwice

It's not really about being legal. Would you be happy for him to take DD to another country without your permission?

No I wouldn't 🙁

@ExasperatedTwice

It's not really about being legal. Would you be happy for him to take DD to another country without your permission?

He is an abuser.

You're 22, don't waste your life on this man.
He had you move 300 miles away from friends and family under false pretences. Then you support him for 3 years and he won't even let you see friends.
Yes he hasn't hit you but it's classic abusive behaviour, isolating you. Out of interest was it his idea to have a baby?

Load of nonsense from @ExasperatedTwice

I left when my DD was 7 months old.
You will never be lonelier than you are right now, in a relationship with an abusive man.

Go where you need to go to make yourself and your child safe. The rest can be worked out later.

Op leaving is the right decision. Well done for recognising that. It can’t have been easy.

Now the important thing is to do it safely. Is Wales where your family is??

You need a plan. Womens aid is a great idea

Other things to think about. Do you have your own bank account?? If not, set one up. Can you get together all important documents and have them in a safe place?? Are you on the lease for your home?

The police can help you you leave your home safely with all your possessions.

If you have a wobble remind yourself that he is responsible for his own life, not you. Best wishes

@ExasperatedTwice so op stays 300 miles from her support system in order to ensure this abusive man sees his daughter?
He's sat on his arse doing nothing for the past 3 years so there's nothing tying him to the new location. If he wants to continue to have contact with his daughter he can relocate closer to where op settles down. Suitable contact arrangements can then be made.

Stop making a young vulnerable woman feel bad about leaving this man.

YANBU to leave but I think you need to be a bit canny about you do it to try and avoid a court order compelling you to stay in the area.

Could you arrange with your parents to stay w them in the first instance (w your dd obviously)? Then tell him you are going to visit them/think about things, then delay coming back for a month, then another month them tell him you are not coming back? The more settled you are in Wales the less likely a court will be to order you back to your original area.

You're going to get a lot of fabulous support here OP.

I'm already judgmental of your partner as he was 25 when you were 17 when you met.

I'm told I'm being hormonal or being silly and when I discussed it yesterday he said we are fine

Classic! Abuser bingo!

I don't doubt the fact that some women are hormonal, some women are mentally ill or very impulsive......but this is such a classic way of controlling women. It's been done for centuries.

'Crazy'
'harpy'
'hormonal'
'silly'
'emotionally unstable'

It's the last one that really gets to me because the men who use this that are usually the most emotionally unstable themselves. Often the poor woman has endured years of their moodiness, depression or explosive anger......yet when she realises what's going on and wants to leave of course she's the one who's emotionally unstable!!!

I think I've read enough of your circumstance to know that your need to get away is more than justified. Some people just don't want help OP. They are perfectly happy being in a relationship where they can emotionally abuse someone whenever they like with little or no consequences. Other have nothing actually wrong with them - they are so unpleasant that people think they must be depressed to be such an asshole.....but they're not. Some people are inherently selfish, unpleasant people. It doesn't mean they're mentally ill or depressed.

You cannot let yourself be his emotional hostage forever because he has no friends or has been suicidal. Well done for taking the first few steps away from him.

Contact Women's Aid. If he starts talking about suicide, take him very seriously and call 999 or 111. He needs to learn that if he tries that on you will take it as an emergency and will not be allowing him to control you with that talk.

Reach out to your friends and family for help. Be prepared to leave without telling him as you should not give him the chance to harm you.

[quote rainbowplease]@ExasperatedTwice so op stays 300 miles from her support system in order to ensure this abusive man sees his daughter?
He's sat on his arse doing nothing for the past 3 years so there's nothing tying him to the new location. If he wants to continue to have contact with his daughter he can relocate closer to where op settles down. Suitable contact arrangements can then be made.

Stop making a young vulnerable woman feel bad about leaving this man. [/quote]
And stop putting words in my mouth and encouraging people to make decisions you won't be there to support them with when it goes wrong.OP said he is a lovely father, she just doesn't get on with him.

And whatever you do, do NOT let him start being a SAHP to your dd when you go back to work. Get away before then and establish yourself as her main carer.

@ExasperatedTwice it's more than that though. It's really clear from OPs posts that he's a cocklodger at best, and is doing his damndest to cut her off from friends etc. That's in the territories of financial and emotional abuse.

Beware if you go back to work and he cares for dd you may be setting the status quo if you split. He could claim he is dd's main carer and she should stay with him. .. Imo you need to leave while still on ml.

@sage46 the Scottish family courts absolutely have, can and do make parents return to their DC to Scotland if they remove them without their Ex permission and the Ex takes it court. They have their own judicial system.

Not the same between England & Wales though.