Leaving DP, 8 month old DD together

[Chuchali]

I've been with my DP for 5 years, since I was 17 and I'm now 22 and I want to leave, I'm deeply unhappy and have been for a while but I feel guilty and scared and I would like a handhold/some advice on how to go about it.

DP is 30, has a history of depression, suicidal thoughts, drink and drug problems (has been sober for years now) and has previously told me if I ever left he'd go back to drinking.

He loves DD, is a lovely dad to her but we just don't get on. He isn't a nice person, we argue constantly, he makes nasty comments all the time, he is rude to people, argumentative, he has depression which I find really difficult to live with (I've tried helping him by getting him counselling and to speak to the GP), he won't go out and do stuff with me, the first few weeks of DDs life are ruined for me as he spent the whole time being really spiteful and nasty to me including laughing at me when the baby blues hit and I was crying because he wouldn't hand DD back to me, the list goes on.

After a year together he wanted to move to another city 300 miles away from my friends and family to "further his career" and said he was going wether I was coming or not so I stupidly went with him, we spent three years there and he spent the whole time unemployed and I really resent him for that as what should've been the most exciting years for me were spent hours away from my friends and family and working to pay for both of us.

He doesn't have a single friend, it's just me and him and all the friends I've made since having DD he's bad mouthed or tried to get me to stop seeing them (we planned a group day out at the aquarium but he didn't want me to go as he wanted to be the first to take DD, I wanted to go for a walk with two friends in Wales but he didn't want me to take DD that far away etc)

At the moment he is being really nice to me but I still want to go, I've tried to discuss being unhappy a few times but I'm told I'm being hormonal or being silly and when I discussed it yesterday he said we are fine it's just because we are tired and living in a small flat.

So I feel like I can't have a sensible discussion with him about being unhappy as he just shuts it down, so I'm going to have to straight up tell him I don't want to be with him anymore which makes me feel horrible.

Sorry for the rant I could just really do with some advice/a push because I'm really scared and feeling alone. Please be nice!

Honestly, I'd say you're going to visit your Mum for a few days, say she's unwell or something, and then stay there to sort things out. Just pack a few bags discreetly with paperwork and things you need.

He's never going to be the decent person who sits down and agrees a separation...... he's been in control for too long.

[quote ExasperatedTwice]@user114653217696248626

Is he abusing his daughter? His relationship with OP and his relationship with his child are two different things.[/quote]
No, they are not.

You clearly do not know what you are talking about if you do not understand how the behaviour described in the op would harm an infant's development.

Sorry I didn't mean permission to leave, I mean permission to take DD to live in Wales, I don't know if it's legal to take her without his permission?

You'll still be in Great Britain so i imagine it'll be fine. I think it would be ok as you're fleeing an abuser.

Please don't forewarn him as it would give him the chance to get a prohibitive steps order to stop you moving your DD away without going via the courts.

I agree with going to visit your Mum and not return tbh whilst you are still very much primary cater.

Switch the bills the morning you leave.

Look into cinnamon trust for getting your pets fostered.

@ExasperatedTwice so because he's a 'lovely father' (I'd dispute this due to the environment he's creating in the home) op puts her life on hold and continues to be abused by him. What are your thoughts on him not allowing op to see her friends?

That's great news you have your family to support you, if you were my daughter I'd be delighted you were making the break.
Focus on finding a flat if you feel this is the best option, however be very careful he doesn't find out and make your life a misery in the mean time.
Is there someone who could look on your behalf?
Obviously you will need your deposit and first month's rent.
In terms of your current flat if its in your name I would speak to your landlord, would they be happy to sign it over or would they expect notice.
Everything else can be done after you move.

@ExasperatedTwice

It's not really about being legal. Would you be happy for him to take DD to another country without your permission?

Don’t be ridiculous. Wales could be nearer than moving somewhere else within England

And let’s not forget that you have British passports, not English, Welsh etc. We are in fact one country, Great Britain/UK with devolved Governments

Can you tell your parents that you need to leave? They could just turn up one day with a van and you could leave.

@ExasperatedTwice

It's not really about being legal. Would you be happy for him to take DD to another country without your permission?

Fuck sake! Well luckily op is the emotionally abusive drug addict of the two of them.

The standards for men on this board never cease to anger me.

Hold on, I think the pile on to @ExasperatedTwice posts are getting a bit vitriolic when she hasn't discouraged OP, just made some points to consider.

My dad would come and collect me in this situation. Have you anyone to call?

OP, was Wales the place you left from when you moved 300 miles? Will you have support there if you turned up with whatever you could carry plus DD? Could you arrange for DM for instance to buy bulky baby stuff?

What are the pets? Are they the type a local friend could look after until you are straight?

@ExasperatedTwice

It's not really about being legal. Would you be happy for him to take DD to another country without your permission?

Why on earth can he not move to be closer to his daughter then, that's if he isn't prepared to travel. If he expected the op to move surely he can do the same.

@ExasperatedTwice

she just doesn't get on with him

HAHAHAHAHAHA.........NO!!!

This is way more than simply not getting on with someone. She's isolated and with someone who is nasty with possible mental health issues and is patronising her in the most predictable sexist way in order to get her to doubt her own mind.

Also OP, you moved 300 miles away from your friends & family to you could continue your relationship. He fucked it up, big time.

Contact your friends and family and tell them your intention to leave him. You might need legal advice too before doing anything.

If he doesnt work, he's perfectly at liberty to move to Wales as well, isn't he? Its not like the OP is moving to Australia.

Get yourself home, OP, where you've got friends and family support. You sound hardworking and resourceful, you will be fine.

He has all the roots of abusive behaviour, verbally nasty, laughing at you when you’re feeling down ( what reasonable person does that) and separating you from friends. I suspect the 300 mile move was to separate you from friends and family and any job he mentioned didn’t exist.
Don’t bother explaining to him, you’ve tried, he’s not interested enough to listen.
Plan where you’re going, make sure you have all your paperwork you need ( birth certificates, passports, etc..) as much money as you can get together and go. If he wants to see his DD he’ll make the effort to sort out contact. If he doesn’t then you know he’s not worth bothering with.
Good luck.

He absolutely is abusive and got you to move away under false pretences.

Ask your family for support.

Ask them to arrive with a van so that you have support to pack and leave.

Several people would be best.

Call the police if he becomes aggressive.

Call Womens aid for support.

Well done for realising you are in an awful situation and want more for your child.

I left when my babies were 8 months old and 2.6 years old.

I started a new life in a brand new area for me and my kids and its the best thing I've ever done

Don't waste another minute being unhappy . What made me leave was realising my tiny people were watching this behaviour and thinking it was normal. If feel incredibly guilty if my children ended up in the same relationship that I did because it was their normality

What is his reason for not working.

What about your job? Can you still do that in wales? Wouldn’t you miss the friends you’ve made since you moved?

I wouldnt see it as moving away from him with his child. He said he was moving and you can come or stay last time. You’re just doing the same and obviously if he cares about his child he will move too. Seems fair.

OP you're losing you and DDs welfare staying in jail. Get out both of you from your prison.

@Bananalanacake

What is his reason for not working.

Depression and anxiety, I've found him several jobs but he quits after a few days