Hello all, I'm a long time lurker but this is my first time making a post.
This is incredibly long so apologies in advance.
I'm not sure if relationships is the right board but I didn't want to brave AIBU.
Short story, I met a man online, I met him in real life twice, the situation became too intense for me so I ended it, but he is keeps texting me and I find it intimidating.
Long story. I came out of a nice relationship (mostly nice, a lovely lovely man, but a bit closed off with his emotions and I felt my emotional needs weren't always being met, there was a lack of communication and this made me feel insecure. I am working on my insecurities which stem from a previous relationship) last year and after a while I missed sex.
I read on here, on the sex board, about websites where you could meet people for consensual NSA or FWB situations so I tried it. I was looking to find a nice regular FWB, not sleep with 100 different men, though there's nothing wrong with that if people do that. I followed advice, was very picky, and did everything I could to keep myself safe. I've met a couple of really nice people, and see one occasionally, it's working well.
I want to caveat this with saying I know it could be dangerous to meet strangers, however it shouldn't be, women should be safe, we should be able to do that without fear. of course unfortunately we can't, so I was careful with vetting, met in public, told my friends and gave my friends their details and numbers. I don't think meeting someone from a sex site is any more dangerous than meeting someone from tinder. In fact being in a relationship is more dangerous for women due to DV. However, I am still blaming myself for this situation.
Also, I'm not ashamed of my sexual desires, there is things I want to explore and I'm not embarrassed to have those fantasies, they might not be for everyone but I don't think women should be ashamed of their sexuality. However, I do know that if something bad happened to me and my messages were published, I'd likely be blamed for being a "slut who wanted x y z".
Anyway.
I cant remember what order everything happened in and I don't want to read through all the messages to check.
We met online, after a while switched to WhatsApp. He was very friendly, chatty, open, very complimentary, very curious. We seemed to get on well. I did think he messaged a lot, he asked a lot of questions. I stated multiple times I wasn't looking for a boyfriend or anything emotional, I'm aware it needs to be a friendly situation for FWB but I wasn't looking for a relationship or to talk to someone everyday, I wasn't emotionally ready for that and didn't want it.
However we talked a lot. I admit I did mildly like the attention and feeling wanted. But it increased and he wanted voice calls and video calls regularly. I have a busy life and didn't always have time, and also didn't always want to, I wasn't looking for that level of communication. I did express this, and he said OK, but would continue the same level. I did feel that his communication meant he wasn't looking for a one off, that we would get to know each other and get on well outside of sex, so I didn't worry too much though I did wonder about love bombing. I'm pretty knowledgeable about emotional abuse and DV due to work, and I kept that info in my head. (Although as I write this I see I really did overlook so many red flags). He asked a lot of questions about work and family etc and I felt wary of this.
He mentioned that since WhatsApp owns Facebook, giving someone your number means they come up on your Facebook, and he said I'd come up on his. I found this a bit intimidating, but he said it in a way that made it sound he was protecting me from less polite men. My Facebook is completely locked down other than my name and profile picture, no one can see anything, and I barely use it anyway. I have removed my phone number from it now.
A while after this, my twitter and Facebook got hacked, just to sell cheap shoes etc, but it worried me. I did wonder if it was him, but thought surely not.
I'm going to try simplify it now as it's already too long and I'm nowhere near done. this may all be in the wrong order.
At some point we met for a coffee, got on, and I knew I'd be happy to meet again for sex. He wanted to spend all day with me and I was clear I didn't want that. a bit of a social, yes, but not boyfriend type stuff. he asked I'd go out for meals etc as the "friend" part, I said unlikely. I felt pushed and pressured all the time.
I was occasionally seeing someone else (once a month ish, v nice, v easygoing, no stress) and this new guy seemed a bit jealous. I explained I am my own person, I'm exploring things, no one owns me.
The things I want to explore do centre on someone being in charge of me, but I was clear I wanted this very slowly, and I am a completely independent woman, I will see who I want. when I said things like this he would act disappointed, short messages etc. I ignored this as I could see it was emotional manipulation, and it doesn't work on me.
He started calling me pet names without my consent, I usually hate that but I ignored it because I thought he was looking for a reaction. He praised me a lot which I fell for. he wanted me to call him a pet name which I felt a bit icky about but I did occasionally do it. he wanted goodnight and Good morning texts which I didn't want to feel tied to. (in my previous relationship where I was wildly in love, I wanted this and didn't get it, so it did feel nice that someone was doing this and wanting me. however I didn't want it from him, it felt claustrophobic and overly intimate too soon).
Yes, I can see the love bombing and red flags v clearly now.
I did send pics, yes, I do regret it, yes, but I do feel I should be able to without fear of retribution, but obviously that isn't the case and I feel stupid now, though he promised he had deleted them.
We met Once more, he came to mine, we had a good time, physically compatible.
But it all just got too much, he was asking too much, forcing a relationship, telling me he could like me, that I was his type of girl, asking if I liked him, if I could like him as more than FWB, I felt really pressured. I repeated my boundaries a lot and he reassured me but then ignored them again. he would text multiple times if I didn't reply.
He was always asking me if he could "help", like with how I was feeling or whatever, it was odd.
he was very "protective", so if I was out he would want me to text him to say I was home? I am an adult woman living alone and don't do that, maybe with my friends but not a random man.
He made it seem like he was very protective and caring and safe etc. I think the truth is he is controlling.
I don't know why I put up with it so long!
We had another meet planned, and I was feeling i wanted to end this.
I had told my friends I'd met him but not all this detail, because I KNEW it was dodgy and they'd tell me. I feel so stupid. I told a friend, she told me he was awful, I agreed and decided to end it.
I knew it would have to be a "proper break up", due to how he is. This was exactly what I didn't want, something intense and serious leading to a break up, I wanted something easy and fun, not the emotional drama. I ended it, being polite, feeling like I had to placate him to keep myself safe. I said I'd enjoyed getting to know him but I didn't want to continue, I wasn't going to meet anyone (white lie because by this point I was nervous about him and wanted to placate him), that my health isn't good (true). he took it pretty well. He asked me not to block him, which I agreed to to placate him. I don't want to antagonise him.
We always spoke on WhatsApp, and he hasn't contacted me there, however, since then I have had 3 text messages from him over a few weeks. I have ignored them all, hoping it would make it clear.
However the last one says he has seen me online on the site where we met. He is wondering if I am ready to consider talking.
I'm not, and it freaks me out that he's watching me.
I know I ought to block him everywhere. I just don't know if I ought to send a final text being much clearer, saying I don't want to hear from you, it freaked me out that you were watching me, please don't contact me again. I'm just scared of antagonising him.
I am also wondering if I should speak to Women's Aid, or the police?
I'm not one for "logging with 101" as mumsnet would say, but I do feel worried.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I'm sorry this is so long, thank you if you read it.
I am aware this has a lot of identifying detail so am cautious about posting it.
I promise I will be back to read replies and reply.
Thank you