Should I report this man I met? TW sex, controlling behaviour

[Omniscope]

Hello all, I'm a long time lurker but this is my first time making a post.
This is incredibly long so apologies in advance.
I'm not sure if relationships is the right board but I didn't want to brave AIBU.
Short story, I met a man online, I met him in real life twice, the situation became too intense for me so I ended it, but he is keeps texting me and I find it intimidating.
Long story. I came out of a nice relationship (mostly nice, a lovely lovely man, but a bit closed off with his emotions and I felt my emotional needs weren't always being met, there was a lack of communication and this made me feel insecure. I am working on my insecurities which stem from a previous relationship) last year and after a while I missed sex.
I read on here, on the sex board, about websites where you could meet people for consensual NSA or FWB situations so I tried it. I was looking to find a nice regular FWB, not sleep with 100 different men, though there's nothing wrong with that if people do that. I followed advice, was very picky, and did everything I could to keep myself safe. I've met a couple of really nice people, and see one occasionally, it's working well.
I want to caveat this with saying I know it could be dangerous to meet strangers, however it shouldn't be, women should be safe, we should be able to do that without fear. of course unfortunately we can't, so I was careful with vetting, met in public, told my friends and gave my friends their details and numbers. I don't think meeting someone from a sex site is any more dangerous than meeting someone from tinder. In fact being in a relationship is more dangerous for women due to DV. However, I am still blaming myself for this situation.
Also, I'm not ashamed of my sexual desires, there is things I want to explore and I'm not embarrassed to have those fantasies, they might not be for everyone but I don't think women should be ashamed of their sexuality. However, I do know that if something bad happened to me and my messages were published, I'd likely be blamed for being a "slut who wanted x y z".
Anyway.
I cant remember what order everything happened in and I don't want to read through all the messages to check.
We met online, after a while switched to WhatsApp. He was very friendly, chatty, open, very complimentary, very curious. We seemed to get on well. I did think he messaged a lot, he asked a lot of questions. I stated multiple times I wasn't looking for a boyfriend or anything emotional, I'm aware it needs to be a friendly situation for FWB but I wasn't looking for a relationship or to talk to someone everyday, I wasn't emotionally ready for that and didn't want it.
However we talked a lot. I admit I did mildly like the attention and feeling wanted. But it increased and he wanted voice calls and video calls regularly. I have a busy life and didn't always have time, and also didn't always want to, I wasn't looking for that level of communication. I did express this, and he said OK, but would continue the same level. I did feel that his communication meant he wasn't looking for a one off, that we would get to know each other and get on well outside of sex, so I didn't worry too much though I did wonder about love bombing. I'm pretty knowledgeable about emotional abuse and DV due to work, and I kept that info in my head. (Although as I write this I see I really did overlook so many red flags). He asked a lot of questions about work and family etc and I felt wary of this.
He mentioned that since WhatsApp owns Facebook, giving someone your number means they come up on your Facebook, and he said I'd come up on his. I found this a bit intimidating, but he said it in a way that made it sound he was protecting me from less polite men. My Facebook is completely locked down other than my name and profile picture, no one can see anything, and I barely use it anyway. I have removed my phone number from it now.
A while after this, my twitter and Facebook got hacked, just to sell cheap shoes etc, but it worried me. I did wonder if it was him, but thought surely not.
I'm going to try simplify it now as it's already too long and I'm nowhere near done. this may all be in the wrong order.
At some point we met for a coffee, got on, and I knew I'd be happy to meet again for sex. He wanted to spend all day with me and I was clear I didn't want that. a bit of a social, yes, but not boyfriend type stuff. he asked I'd go out for meals etc as the "friend" part, I said unlikely. I felt pushed and pressured all the time.
I was occasionally seeing someone else (once a month ish, v nice, v easygoing, no stress) and this new guy seemed a bit jealous. I explained I am my own person, I'm exploring things, no one owns me.
The things I want to explore do centre on someone being in charge of me, but I was clear I wanted this very slowly, and I am a completely independent woman, I will see who I want. when I said things like this he would act disappointed, short messages etc. I ignored this as I could see it was emotional manipulation, and it doesn't work on me.
He started calling me pet names without my consent, I usually hate that but I ignored it because I thought he was looking for a reaction. He praised me a lot which I fell for. he wanted me to call him a pet name which I felt a bit icky about but I did occasionally do it. he wanted goodnight and Good morning texts which I didn't want to feel tied to. (in my previous relationship where I was wildly in love, I wanted this and didn't get it, so it did feel nice that someone was doing this and wanting me. however I didn't want it from him, it felt claustrophobic and overly intimate too soon).
Yes, I can see the love bombing and red flags v clearly now.
I did send pics, yes, I do regret it, yes, but I do feel I should be able to without fear of retribution, but obviously that isn't the case and I feel stupid now, though he promised he had deleted them.
We met Once more, he came to mine, we had a good time, physically compatible.
But it all just got too much, he was asking too much, forcing a relationship, telling me he could like me, that I was his type of girl, asking if I liked him, if I could like him as more than FWB, I felt really pressured. I repeated my boundaries a lot and he reassured me but then ignored them again. he would text multiple times if I didn't reply.
He was always asking me if he could "help", like with how I was feeling or whatever, it was odd.
he was very "protective", so if I was out he would want me to text him to say I was home? I am an adult woman living alone and don't do that, maybe with my friends but not a random man.
He made it seem like he was very protective and caring and safe etc. I think the truth is he is controlling.
I don't know why I put up with it so long!
We had another meet planned, and I was feeling i wanted to end this.
I had told my friends I'd met him but not all this detail, because I KNEW it was dodgy and they'd tell me. I feel so stupid. I told a friend, she told me he was awful, I agreed and decided to end it.
I knew it would have to be a "proper break up", due to how he is. This was exactly what I didn't want, something intense and serious leading to a break up, I wanted something easy and fun, not the emotional drama. I ended it, being polite, feeling like I had to placate him to keep myself safe. I said I'd enjoyed getting to know him but I didn't want to continue, I wasn't going to meet anyone (white lie because by this point I was nervous about him and wanted to placate him), that my health isn't good (true). he took it pretty well. He asked me not to block him, which I agreed to to placate him. I don't want to antagonise him.
We always spoke on WhatsApp, and he hasn't contacted me there, however, since then I have had 3 text messages from him over a few weeks. I have ignored them all, hoping it would make it clear.
However the last one says he has seen me online on the site where we met. He is wondering if I am ready to consider talking.
I'm not, and it freaks me out that he's watching me.
I know I ought to block him everywhere. I just don't know if I ought to send a final text being much clearer, saying I don't want to hear from you, it freaked me out that you were watching me, please don't contact me again. I'm just scared of antagonising him.
I am also wondering if I should speak to Women's Aid, or the police?
I'm not one for "logging with 101" as mumsnet would say, but I do feel worried.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I'm sorry this is so long, thank you if you read it.
I am aware this has a lot of identifying detail so am cautious about posting it.
I promise I will be back to read replies and reply.
Thank you

@Madamswearsalot

FWIW I think that you are being eminently sensible. Ignore the people who are saying you sound like hard work and that you're over dramatising things. Your instinct is shouting at you and you are listening to it - that is very important.

This guy sounds awful, continously pushing boundaries, needy and not taking no for an answer after you've been clear. You've said several times you don't want to antagonise him - that says to me that you felt he has the potential to get nasty if he doesn't like what you've said. It's not unreasonable to be cautious about what you do next.

Screenshot/save anything you think is relevant then block. If you can block him on the fwb site then do that too. I wouldn't get back in touch - from your perspective you're telling him to leave you alone, from his the content is not relevant he'll just think that you're keeping communications open.

You are probably prone to blaming yourself for everything that ever goes wrong. Being able to see multiple perspectives is an excellent skill but does mean one can have a tendency to excuse things and dismiss the feelings that are a genuine reaction to them.

Thank you, I really appreciate this. I didn't think I was being hard work, but the responses did make me wonder if I was overreacting. My gut instinct is that he is a bit dodgy and has the potential to get nasty, hence the placating. Admittedly I should have listened to that instinct a lot earlier, and I will in future. I definitely do blame myself for most things, it's my default position, and I need to work on that. Thank you again.

@ChargingBuck

OP, I agree you should contact WA & I hope you make it a priority.

Less because this man has worried you - but much, much more about how much time & effort you have put into that massive OP, all of it centred on you feeling somehow guilty & self-blaming, & looking to justify yourself as if you have done something wrong.

Let me reassure you - you have done nothing wrong!
All that has happened is that you had a dalliance, your FWB got over-intense, you have backed off ... but he has requested that you don't block him & you have for some peculiar reason possibly still connected with guilt, have complied!

You owe this intrusive man nothing.
All your instincts were sound - you simply didn't act on them quickly & forcefully enough. That's hardly crime of the century, is it?

This is why I urge you to contact WA.
Also, do this course - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php
& read this article - www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

For right now - I don't think you need to report this man. A much simpler option is simply to block him.
May I siggest that you don't tie yourself in knots overthinking this? You seem to have a tendency to JADE - outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain - & this is what I think is weakening your boundaries.

When you set a boundary, you don't need to JADE it.
It's not a negotiation. You don't need anyone else's permission to erect & maintain your boundary.
The only requirement of you is, when it becomes relevant, to let other people know it is there. If they then seek to breach it - you do not JADE it - you walk away.

When you do The Freedom Programme you will recognise that while your instincts were sound, you allowed this FWB to keep needling at your boundary, instead of walking away. You told him several times to back off, told him what level of comms you were comfortable with - but he kept pushing.
At that point, instead of another request, or any JADE about telling him YET AGAIN about your boundary - it was time to walk away.

You know this intellectually - but it's harder to apply to ourselves than it is to see it in others, or in a work context as you have experience of.
Do do The Freedom Programme, & learn how to build your Shark Cage without needing to justify it or hope that a man respects it. The first sign of disrespect - you state your boundary clearly. Once.
The second time - you are off.
Dump, block, & do not enter into any discussion about it.

Thank you, that was incredibly helpful. I do have a bad habit of over explaining, coming from a place of wanting people to think I'm nice, and good enough. I am working on this. I do owe him nothing. On the surface this is probably (hopefully) simpler and easier than I'm building it up as, and I don't need to worry. I can see I have definitely JADE'd and that's really helpful of you to point out, I Will look into it more. I looked at the Freedom programme recently after seeing it mentioned on mumsnet a lot. I actually often recommend it to people I work with. I think part of the reason I let this carry on was that I didn't think I would "fall for it"? I know thats totally ridiculous, it can and does happen to any woman. I felt, as a single independent brave confident intelligent feminist woman who knows about love bombing and negging and consent etc I wouldn't stand for any of it! But then when I saw the red flags, I thought, well I can manage this situation, I won't let my boundaries be crossed, I'll restate them. And he kept persuading me. So I obviously need to really work on my boundaries a lot more. Thank you again.

@PermanentTemporary

I think your instincts are pretty good. Just block him, with a final message saying you're doing so if you want to be clear.

But don't worry so much! This is supposed to be fun.

I like control stuff as well, and it does mean having an extra layer to consider. I didn't muck about with bondage with strangers for example - I stayed mobile! But it does mean you're deliberately removing some mental protection. That's what is so hot about it of course.

I like the sound of your monthly no stress guy. I had something similar but unfortunately I found once a month was like torture and I became the stalker... but perhaps it works for you?

Thank you, really glad to hear you have similar feelings about control stuff. I think its ok to explore different sexual stuff, it's interesting, and there's a reason so many people are into it. it's not deviant or depraved. All consensual sex stuff is ok, I'm pretty sex positive. However of course it has to be dome with someone you trust, and I realised I didn't feel safe with him. And I think that has been proved right by him texting me. 3 texts might not sound much, and on paper it isn't, but I find it intimidating, and I wish he would respect my no. I should have been clearer when I ended our "thing". My monthly guy is easy and kind, so that's a good thing. Thank you

@FlowerFlour

OP, I agree you should contact WA & I hope you make it a priority.

Less because this man has worried you - but much, much more about how much time & effort you have put into that massive OP, all of it centred on you feeling somehow guilty & self-blaming, & looking to justify yourself as if you have done something wrong.

I agree with this. Have you considered getting therapy Op? This guy was supposed to be a casual thing and you've somehow become tied up in knots with it; that's not how flings should be!

You say you told him your boundaries and he overstepped them - then they are not boundaries. Boundaries are enforced, not just words. You said 'not that', if he did 'that' then you throw him right into the bin.

Your confusion is all caused by how women are socialised to be polite. You don't want to offend him by blocking him; who cares if he's offended?! He's just some random pushy guy from an Internet site. Block him immediately and don't waste any more time ruminating on it.

I agree completely, my friends and I have discussed the being socialised to be polite. We're always talking about how we don't have to be polite to dodgy men! And yet there I was doing it. I'm definitely tied up in knots about it, I'm feeling guilty for "leading him on" which I know I totally didn't do! I was clear from the start! This is absolutely showing me that I'm probably not in an emotionally healthy place to navigate any sort of relationship. That's why I went on the site, I didn't want to date when I wasn't ready, it wouldn't be fair, so I was hoping for some simple consensual equal fun with someone who wanted the same, and no hurt feelings! But that hasn't worked. Although it is with the other guy, so maybe once again I am blaming myself for a mans actions. I am actually in therapy, have been for a couple of years, it's definitely helpful. Thank you

@Thisisworsethananticpated

RedCandyApple

You’ve totally missed the point
The nudes are not the issue
Not is the casual sex

It’s the fact she wants casual and he’s gone way stalky on her and is freaking her out

People should be free to pursue whatever sexual adventures they like without prissy judgement

We are adults here

Thank you!

Thank you all.
Sorry if my many replies are OTT, I'll probably be accused of being "hard work" and "liking the sound of my own voice", but I wanted to acknowledge the people who took the time to write thoughtful and helpful responses, I do appreciate them.
I feel much better for typing it all out with you all.
Perhaps people think I'm overreacting, and I hope so. Maybe it's not a big deal, but it feels like one to me right now.
I think I mistitled the thread, I'm not sure why I titled it that, I should have just said I was asking for advice.
To be clear I take responsibility for my actions with the photos. I am fully aware once they're sent, anything can happen. ideally, people would respect each other and not share. I'm not naive and I know it happens constantly, but that doesn't change my opinion that ideally people SHOULD be able to live their sexual lives without judgement and fear. However they can't, so we have to moderate our behaviour.
I don't think I'll be back on the thread now, but I've found this really helpful, thanks again.

I do have a bad habit of over explaining, coming from a place of wanting people to think I'm nice, and good enough. I am working on this.
It's a common enough trait in women. We are raised to apologise for ourselves, & to feel that we need to justify our existence, let alone our boundaries.

I think part of the reason I let this carry on was that I didn't think I would "fall for it"? I know thats totally ridiculous, it can and does happen to any woman.
Also fairly common - because 'intellectualising' a problem makes us feel safer & more in control. Counselling would help you join up your "thinking" & "feeling" separation, & help you untangle where your feelings of inadequacy (as in - "not good enough to just state something & get heard, so I need to explain & present myself in a reasonable light") come from.

I won't let my boundaries be crossed, I'll restate them. And he kept persuading me.
Yeah ... the whole point of proper boundaries is you won't need to constantly re-state them.
Imagine your boundary is a brick wall. You build it up, exactly where you want it, brick by brick. It is your wall - you own it.
Your sole responsibility to other people is - if necessary - to let them know that your wall is there.
If they decide your wall doesn't apply to them, & they start to trespass it - you leave the wall to do its work, & you walk right away, & back into your life leaving the trespasser safely on the other side.
What you don't do is pop your head up over the top of the wall to explain again that there is a wall there.
Neither do you hang around your side of the wall listening to the tantrum coming from the other side. It's just not your problem. You walk away.

Report to police and WA? that's a bit ott.
Just block him on all platforms, no need for the War and Peace analytics!