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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't believe what I've just done!

74 replies

dazzlerdo · 07/01/2022 22:54

Sorry just need some advice, my heads a mess and sorry for any typos or grammar mistakes. I'm just so confused.

Basically been together 16 years, 2 dds, 2 year old and 1 year old.
I used to absolutely love and adore him, then something just stopped after our last dd. I just can't get intimate with him and the thought of it makes me cringe.
I do have sex mainly for his benefit not mine. Sorry if TMI. When we do do it I finally do get Into it I never initiate it or want it. I do it to please him.
I don't know what's wrong with me, I do love him and can't imagine my life without him I just don't or can't have a sexual relationship with him for some reason.

We've just had sex and I had to stop him half way through cos I couldn't do it and I felt horrible doing it, like I was being forced even though I wasn't.
Now he thinks he's done something wrong, things I'm "up to something" like I've got time to!
I feel so bad now. What can I do, how can I want him again???

Sorry again just can't speak to anyone else

OP posts:
MelonTits · 07/01/2022 22:58

I think it’s quite common to not feel particularly sexual when parenting young children, especially if breastfeeding (but generally just because it’s tiring!)

You say you still love him, but then say you used to love and adore him - which is it?

What does he mean by saying you’re up to something? Cheating on him?

UltraVividLament · 07/01/2022 23:03

Don't feel bad for stopping him, if you're not into it and you don't want to continue then of course you should say so and stop. I'm sorry that your partner has become defensive and said unpleasant things to you.

I find that with very young children, it can be hard to find time to relax and feel like you've got the mental and physical energy for sex. You've got a 1 year old and a 2 year old, that's two young ones close in age. Do you think that's a factor?

frazzledasarock · 07/01/2022 23:03

Does he often accuse you of ‘being up to something’?

You’ve got two very young children, they’ll be exhausting you, the first couple of years you’ve had a baby plays havoc on your body and hormones and libido and the sheer relentlessness and exhaustion of having a baby/toddler does change your desire to have sex.

Original poster
dazzlerdo · 07/01/2022 23:05

I'm no longer breast feeding, haven't for about 8 months so that's not the problem.

I did at point love and adore and wanted everything with him. Then we had our babies and now I feel like I just love him!

Yes he asked if I was cheating on him or thinking about someone else.
I'm not thinking about anyone or cheating, that's the last thing in my mind. Cheating how on earth do I have the time with 2 young children and work. Plus I'd never do that

OP posts:
Original poster
dazzlerdo · 07/01/2022 23:09

@frazzledasarock yes quite a few times he's asked if I'm up to something with anyone else because I don't come near him or never come on to him.

I honestly feel like I don't have time for myself and I tell him this. When they are asleep I can finally sit down alone. All I get from him is "well I only last 5 mins surely you can spare that"

OP posts:
cruelladevill · 07/01/2022 23:11

I think you should try spending more alone time with him, without the kids -- I know how difficult getting that time can be.

Go on dates, see if you get joy from spending time with only him.

He's probably feeling insecure and unwanted, I'm not saying that's your fault at all though, but it's shit to feel like that

It's also shitty to feel how you do too, sorry you're feeling this way

Original poster
dazzlerdo · 07/01/2022 23:14

@cruelladevill I know he feels insecure and unloved, he tells me all the time and I feel so bad for him and wish o could be different.
I really miss the old us and how we used to go out and have fun, I really do. We've had 1 night alone since having both little ones. It was o my a few hours but felt good

OP posts:
UltraVividLament · 07/01/2022 23:15

It is very shitty of him to accuse you have having an affair. I can't see how he thinks that is in any way going to make you feel anything other than upset. Presumably he is trying to guilt trip you into having sex when you don't want to which is deeply unpleasant.

You've told him clearly what the issue is - not much time to yourself. He can surely work out that perhaps if he regularly took charge of the children so you could have some time, that might help.

Original poster
dazzlerdo · 07/01/2022 23:16

We don't even sleep in the same bed at night. They are both terrible sleepers so I have them both in with me and he stays in their room. It's the only way we can both get a decent nights sleep

OP posts:
Natty13 · 07/01/2022 23:17

All I get from him is "well I only last 5 mins surely you can spare that"

That is fucking disgusting. Maybe the reason you aren't feeling sexual at all is because he basically wants to use you as a vessel to come into?

Does he do anything to put you in the mood? Like, actually put you in the mood from your perspective I mean, not just touching and trying to hump you.

MelonTits · 07/01/2022 23:19

All I get from him is "well I only last 5 mins surely you can spare that"

That’s meant to be a turn-on for you, is it? Fucking hell. Has he always been this dense?

You've told him clearly what the issue is - not much time to yourself. He can surely work out that perhaps if he regularly took charge of the children so you could have some time, that might help.

Spot on. You sound shattered and he isn’t pulling his weight.

Original poster
dazzlerdo · 07/01/2022 23:20

@Natty13 no not at all. All I ever get when the kids are asleep is "do you fancy a quickie" then he wonders why I say no.
I tell him I'd like romance etc
I just get how can he when we've got kids, no time for it!

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 07/01/2022 23:22

When DS was young I had days where I felt so sick of being “touched” all day that I could not have coped with any physical contact or intimacy at bedtime. Could this be the problem, you need physical space for a while?

BootySOS · 07/01/2022 23:25

With two tiny kids it's hard to find the energy and those passionate feelings.

It is worrying that he has asked more than once if you're cheating. To me, that feels suspicious. Why would he think that. Is he cheating / thinking about it.
Surely he sees how exhausted you are from the DC so why would it occur to him to think this way. Odd.

Original poster
dazzlerdo · 07/01/2022 23:29

I don't think he's cheating (well I hope not).
He really can't stand people who cheat or lie in relationships plus he works 10-13 hour days himself so wouldn't have the time. He doesn't go out much at all either so don't think it's that. I just think I've made him insecure about us

OP posts:
Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 07/01/2022 23:34

@proudthrilledhappy I was coming on to say exactly that.
You sound exactly like I was when mine were little OP. What I wanted was to feel like he cared about me and that him "helping" was because he could see I was exhausted, not because he thought he'd get some as a reward 🙄
I don't think there is a bigger turn off than being mauled and guilt tripped into sex. I often used to wonder if there are any women out there who when asked if they want a quickie actually respond with "bloody hell yes darling, you absolutely charmer. Those words are just the turn on I needed I'll just whip my knickers off"

Lalliella · 07/01/2022 23:36

All I get from him is "well I only last 5 mins surely you can spare that"

That would make my vagina clamp right shut and never open up again. What do you get out of this wonderful romantic encounter? Not much. OP I’m not surprised you don’t want to do it, without even factoring in the young children. He’s not exactly making much effort to get you in the mood. Also accusing you of having an affair is really out of order and insensitive.

A frank talk is required I think.

Vapeyvapevape · 07/01/2022 23:40

I don't think it's odd that he asked if you are cheating, if you have lost (understandably with small children) intimacy and the closeness you had.
You need to have an honest conversation with each other, try and have some time without the kids to maybe just enjoy each other's company.

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 07/01/2022 23:42

I remember feeling like I couldn't even cuddle up with him on the sofa because it felt like I was leading him on or because I knew he'd expect more. As a result I backed off completely and once the affection stopped sex became a really big deal.
You need to have a proper conversation where you tell him all of this. How he responds will show you what kind of man he really is. Good luck OP.

TherapistInATabard · 07/01/2022 23:48

[quote dazzlerdo]@Natty13 no not at all. All I ever get when the kids are asleep is "do you fancy a quickie" then he wonders why I say no.
I tell him I'd like romance etc
I just get how can he when we've got kids, no time for it![/quote]
Was he more attentive and romantic before the kids?

Anothernick · 07/01/2022 23:53

You need to prioritise time for sex just as you prioritise time for washing or cooking. It sounds horribly routine, quite unlike your life before DC. But sex is the glue in an LTR - it will keep you together when everything else is falling apart. When our DC were young we made a deal that we would try not to go more than a week without, and we pretty much kept to that. Did we both enjoy it on every occasion? Probably not. Did we do it because we had agreed we would rather than because we really wanted it? Sometimes, yes. But now, decades later (our DC are 26 and 24), we still have an active and fulfilling sex life. And I think our deal to keep at it against the odds all those years ago has strengthened our relationship immensely and perhaps been decisive in keeping us together though difficult times.

VimFuego101 · 07/01/2022 23:59

All I get from him is "well I only last 5 mins surely you can spare that"

Eeww. This made my skin crawl.

sweetbellyhigh · 08/01/2022 00:00

I'm impressed you have sex with him at all, how deeply unattractive his attitude and behaviour is.

You have had literally no time off since your first child was born, that is why you have nothing to give, it's not rocket science.

You need to somehow find more time for yourself and I suspect a change in attitude from him will go a long way to you achieving that.

Impossible to feel sexy when you're permanently exhausted and harassed.

Confusednet · 08/01/2022 00:02

Are you still attracted to him?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2022 00:05

Your partner is a disgusting pig. It's no wonder you don't want to have sex with him. I wouldn't even be able to look at him.

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