Page 2 | Can't believe what I've just done!

dazzlerdo · 2022-01-07T22:54:35+00:00

Sorry just need some advice, my heads a mess and sorry for any typos or grammar mistakes. I'm just so confused. Basically been together 16 years, 2 dds, 2 year old and 1 year old. I used to absolutely love and adore him, then something just stopped after our last dd. I just can't get intimate with him and the thought of it makes me cringe. I do have sex mainly for his benefit not mine. Sorry if TMI. When we do do it I finally do get Into it I never initiate it or want it. I do it to please him. I don't know what's wrong with me, I do love him and can't imagine my life without him I just don't or can't have a sexual relationship with him for some reason. We've just had sex and I had to stop him half way through cos I couldn't do it and I felt horrible doing it, like I was being forced even though I wasn't. Now he thinks he's done something wrong, things I'm "up to something" like I've got time to! I feel so bad now. What can I do, how can I want him again??? Sorry again just can't speak to anyone else

ExasperatedTwice · 08/01/2022 00:06

Have you actually told him you've never felt the same about sex since the birth? Rather than all the guessing and suspicion I mean? You know, a conversation?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/01/2022 00:07

All I get from him is "well I only last 5 mins surely you can spare that"

I wouldn't want to shag anyone who said that to me. Vile.

ProudThrilledHappy · 08/01/2022 00:09

Did we both enjoy it on every occasion? Probably not. Did we do it because we had agreed we would rather than because we really wanted it? Sometimes, yes

I can’t think of anything worse than having sex I don’t want because it was scheduled in for a set time each week

thenewduchessoflapland · 08/01/2022 00:12

"well I only last 5 mins surely you can spare that"

The sentence guaranteed to make any woman's vagina clamp shut.

Who wants to be only used as a man's (if you'll excuse the phrase) cum dump 🤢🤢🤢

worriedatthemoment · 08/01/2022 00:36

I don't agree with the poster who said they agreed to every week and stuck fo it regardless
I have been with my dh 25 years or so We have no agreements in place other than when we BOTH want to
We have gone months on occasions when kids were small where one or other hasn't wanted due to illness / tiredness , kids
I would say as our relationship is based on more than just sex that actually helps as if we have times where we can't its not a big deal
Neither of is have cheated
I think you need to speak to him be honest and say his comments really aren't helping
Your exhausted tired etc and him helping with kids , being romantic , small gestures may help rather than comments like i only last 5 mins etc

JasmineGarden · 08/01/2022 00:43

well I only last 5 mins surely you can spare that

Being made to feel like a receptacle for his sperm is not exactly a turn on is it?

It's not hard to see why your not wetting your knickers in anticipation of sec with him.

It's hard to imagine even wanting to make things 'good' with someone so ducking self centred & uncaring.

Original poster

dazzlerdo · 08/01/2022 08:26

Thanks all for your comments.

Yes I do.. sometimes find him still attractive. Not when he's saying some of the things he says I didn't!

I've also told I feel different about sec now since having the littles ones. I've told him I just can't get in the mood anymore.
He says it's not normal, something isn't right with me!!

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 08/01/2022 08:31

Sex has become another chore, and you’ve got plenty of them already.
He needs to romance you if he wants sex. He needs to do his share of housework, he needs to be nice to you during the day, not just be the vessel that he empties his balls into when the kids are asleep.
You’ve lost the romance in the relationship.
You either need to work at getting it back if you want to be with him, or consider if this is what you want.
Sleeping in separate beds isn’t helping though, I can see that there’s no time for cuddles, it’s just straight in for sex.

RedFlagsAllOver · 08/01/2022 08:38

I think it's quite common op when you have young children. I was the same after having my Last son.

litterbird · 08/01/2022 08:41

I feel for you, you must be so knackered. Your hormones are probably still all over the place right now so I am not surprised sex is at the back of the mind. Child rearing is exhausting too. It is not uncommon that once women have their brood that they go off sex and their husbands. You are already sleeping separately. I think there needs to be a compromise here. You really do need to start connecting and being together. Can you at least sleep together at the weekend? If you are close physically in bed it might help in the other areas. Your husband is upset about the lack of intimacy so he is trying to find the reasons and one of them is he thinks you are having an affair. Dont berate him for that...you would think the exact same thing if he went off you over night. Its time to prioritise you and him, not the children. Get help with them, go out, enjoy being who you both are without children around. You must save your marriage first....

Anothernick · 08/01/2022 08:46

@dazzlerdo

Thanks all for your comments.

Yes I do.. sometimes find him still attractive. Not when he's saying some of the things he says I didn't!

I've also told I feel different about sec now since having the littles ones. I've told him I just can't get in the mood anymore.
He says it's not normal, something isn't right with me!!

Well hes wrong about that, it's quite normal for sex to take a back seat when you have young DC. But the danger is that it slips off the agenda completely and becomes a permanent source of tension in your relationship. Sex is fundamental in most partnerships, forcing permanent celibacy on to your DP is likely to end the relationship sooner or later.

You need to try and create circumstances which will reignite your desire and he needs to help with that by being more supportive and less crude in his demands. Can you get ways to a hotel for a night and leave the DC with grandparents/relatives? We used to do this every few months when the DC were and these nights away gradually evolved into shagfests which we look back on fondly even now.

TheAverageUser · 08/01/2022 08:49

Your DH is probably feeling insecure and unattractive if you aren't wanting him anymore. I agree with PP that the "you can spare 5 minutes" is just gross but I'm trying to imagine how he feels too. Can you do a big "reset" conversation where you tell him you need to work on it together with more time for yourself, time together and some real intimacy/ romance to get back into the relationship groove?

layladomino · 08/01/2022 09:02

He is laying all the blame at your feet. Saying something isn't right with you? It only takes 5 minutes so surely you have time?? Disgusting.

I wonder if he's spending time wondering how he can put this thing right? Is he writing on a forum, seeking advice on how he can make his wife happier? I suspect not. He thinks he's entitled to sex, whether or not his wife wants it, and that if you can't give him sex you're somehow broken and need mending.

He is part of the problem. Just from the snippets of conversation you've mentioned here I can see that he doesn't make any effort to help. He thinks that he can just ask for sex, after a day of you both working hard, and you;ll instantly be in the mood.

He needs to ask himself WHY you feel as you do, and then ask what he can do to make it better. And to stop seeing you as a sex receptacle.

GoodnightGrandma · 08/01/2022 09:19

Does he use porn ?

Shutupyoutart · 08/01/2022 09:21

There's nothing wrong with you!life with little ones is all time consuming it's a very intense time anyway throw hormones and sleep deprivation into the mix and it's no wonder sex is the last thing on your mind. Give yourself a break op , honestly. I could have written several of your posts my two youngest are just a little older than yours (4 and 2) and I still feel like I'm permanently knackered and not in the mood for sex. Your husband's attitude is doing nothing to help you get your desire back here at all with comments like that it's no wonder you don't want sex! Does he help with the little ones ?when do you get time to yourself? His comments about you cheating are out of order , you need to have a really frank conversation about how you are both feeling but please don't be hard on yourself. you don't owe him sex. Good luck op x

LowlyTheWorm · 08/01/2022 09:31

I wonder if you explain it to him as you being dazzler the mum who doesn’t want sex as you’re in your role of mum, busy and caring and often touched out. Dazzler the mum love him as the father and mate. But doesn’t feel sexual as she’s just mum. He needs to help dazzler the woman have some more space and time as it’s her that fancies him and will want to have sex again when there is more of her active in your life. Not to mention dazzler the employee who is probably also knackered and just wants a cuppa and some crap tv to watch.
Men’s lives change when they become dad but their psyche not so much as a woman becoming a mum IMO. He needs to help you find dazzler the woman again, gently and with respect. Then the sex will return but it isn’t a quick fix.

Mouseonmychair · 08/01/2022 09:34

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Original poster

dazzlerdo · 08/01/2022 09:40

We've had a little chat this morning. He says he does feel insecure and unwanted.
I've told him I do also when he's saying some of the things he's saying to me! It's not very appealing to me!

We've agreed we do need to spend more time together doing things alone with out the little ones. We both def want to get the spark back.
We've said we are going to try our best to have a date night just us at least once a month for now and take it from there.

Thanks all for your comments they have made me feel a lot better about myself and that what I'm feeling is "normal"

OP posts:

sweetbellyhigh · 08/01/2022 10:01

@Mouseonmychair

It seems like once the op got his sperm just like many on this site she no longer loves him as much. Unless a man really really wants children (and I know very few who would say it's their main calling compared to women) they probably should just get the chop and therefore avoid risk of children altogether. What's next get stuck in a sexless relationship that the man doesn't want then have to cough up for a divorce to free himself? It seems harsh on the man and perhaps why many don't get married because sometimes children change their partners.

Lol

Spoken only as A Poor Man could

MoonbeamsGlittering · 08/01/2022 10:29

@dazzlerdo It sounds like your chat this morning was very useful and productive - well done!

I'm a man with two young kids and I know how it feels to wish that we had more sex while my wife seems far too tired or overwhelmed. I understood that it wasn't surprising that she wasn't in the mood, but it was still hard. I tried to improve things by doing as much of the kid/house time as I could - virtually all of the night wakings, early mornings, poo cleaning, school runs and so on. It seems to have helped (although also my kids are a bit older than yours, so that may have helped too.)

I'm happy to try to give more advice from a male point of view if it's helpful.

dottiedodah · 08/01/2022 10:35

Hi OP its good that you are chatting to him about it.It sounds like you are both on the same page .Children are hard work and with only a small gap between them and working as well you feel shattered . As you say a date night once a month will help . Does he help with chores and childcare . Spending time alone helps you reconnect with your sexual side

LannieDuck · 08/01/2022 11:09

@dazzlerdo

We don't even sleep in the same bed at night. They are both terrible sleepers so I have them both in with me and he stays in their room. It's the only way we can both get a decent nights sleep

You have both of the terrible sleepers in with you, while he sleeps alone. And it's so you can "both" get a decent night's sleep?

Do you realise how invisible your needs are in that sentence? I wouldn't be surprised if you're exhausted through sleep deprivation and never getting time/space for yourself during the day.

Lady089 · 08/01/2022 11:31

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@dazzlerdo It sounds like your chat this morning was very useful and productive - well done!

I'm a man with two young kids and I know how it feels to wish that we had more sex while my wife seems far too tired or overwhelmed. I understood that it wasn't surprising that she wasn't in the mood, but it was still hard. I tried to improve things by doing as much of the kid/house time as I could - virtually all of the night wakings, early mornings, poo cleaning, school runs and so on. It seems to have helped (although also my kids are a bit older than yours, so that may have helped too.)

I'm happy to try to give more advice from a male point of view if it's helpful.[/quote]
You do everything for your wife, in the hope she will give you more sex and not because you want to help. This sounds very transactional. There’s no way I would be a slave to a partner, in the hope they’ll want more sex.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 08/01/2022 12:00

@Lady089 Maybe I didn't phrase my post very well. She really enjoys having sex with me but she was too tired. She was happy for me to do lots of time with the kids so that she could feel less tired in general and have more free time. She has now chosen to spend a bit of that extra free time having sex with me more often, without any pressure from me.

litterbird · 08/01/2022 12:05

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@dazzlerdo It sounds like your chat this morning was very useful and productive - well done!

I'm a man with two young kids and I know how it feels to wish that we had more sex while my wife seems far too tired or overwhelmed. I understood that it wasn't surprising that she wasn't in the mood, but it was still hard. I tried to improve things by doing as much of the kid/house time as I could - virtually all of the night wakings, early mornings, poo cleaning, school runs and so on. It seems to have helped (although also my kids are a bit older than yours, so that may have helped too.)

I'm happy to try to give more advice from a male point of view if it's helpful.[/quote]
I think you post shows how some men (you) are only prepared to do the baby stuff and housework just for more sex. It doesnt show you in a good light at all. It was quite unsettling to read. Housework in exchange for sex.

I am glad for you OP that you have had the talk and you are both willing to work at this...I can only see your relationship getting back on track soon xxx all the best.