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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't believe what I've just done!

74 replies

dazzlerdo · 07/01/2022 22:54

Sorry just need some advice, my heads a mess and sorry for any typos or grammar mistakes. I'm just so confused.

Basically been together 16 years, 2 dds, 2 year old and 1 year old.
I used to absolutely love and adore him, then something just stopped after our last dd. I just can't get intimate with him and the thought of it makes me cringe.
I do have sex mainly for his benefit not mine. Sorry if TMI. When we do do it I finally do get Into it I never initiate it or want it. I do it to please him.
I don't know what's wrong with me, I do love him and can't imagine my life without him I just don't or can't have a sexual relationship with him for some reason.

We've just had sex and I had to stop him half way through cos I couldn't do it and I felt horrible doing it, like I was being forced even though I wasn't.
Now he thinks he's done something wrong, things I'm "up to something" like I've got time to!
I feel so bad now. What can I do, how can I want him again???

Sorry again just can't speak to anyone else

OP posts:

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 08/01/2022 12:10

The relationship dynamic has changed.
It's interesting that people mention needs-for some the relationship provides and fulfills desires and needs. Intimacy is shown in various ways, sex is one of these ways in which couples connect.
This has gone, you're not even sharing a bed.
There is zero nurturing of the 2 people who made the children.

If this problem is not resolved with a joint agreement this partnership is over.

Eleganz · 08/01/2022 12:19

@Hrpuffnstuff1

The relationship dynamic has changed. It's interesting that people mention needs-for some the relationship provides and fulfills desires and needs. Intimacy is shown in various ways, sex is one of these ways in which couples connect. This has gone, you're not even sharing a bed. There is zero nurturing of the 2 people who made the children.

If this problem is not resolved with a joint agreement this partnership is over.

I agree.

Think a lot of the posters on here have been dancing around that issue or just pointing out that OP's husband's negative response to her basically falling out of love with him and not wanting to have a sexual relationship somehow makes it all his fault. Yes, his behaviour isn't great, but then again neither is the behaviour of some women when they are confused and hurt by their partner's actions.

OP talking about it is good in that it gets the issue out in the open, but if she doesn't work together with her husband on solutions then her marriage could be in serious trouble. Best to start looking at that now so the mutual resentment doesn't fester any more.

moremoony · 08/01/2022 12:20

This really pisses me off and illustrates the problem. You’ve got lots of kids. Young kids. Babies essentially. You’re run ragged. Tired. Drained. You don’t feel like bumping bits and his first response is that you must be fucking someone else. Not “oh my partner must be exhausted”. That’s why you don’t like him anymore because he just doesn’t get it. He’s disengaged. This was his opportunity to display empathy and care and understanding and he blew it. Tell him straight. Tell him you just fucked it up mate.

moremoony · 08/01/2022 12:22

Why don’t you say “you know what I’ll go to a spa for a weekend and relax and you have the kids from Friday night until Monday morning and then we will discuss it” then do it. Go and sleep and recharge and see if he feels like sex when you get back and he’s solo parented then whole weekend. Do it.

TerraNovaTwo · 08/01/2022 12:28

Breastfeeding does NOT change your sex drive. What a load of shite!

Beancounter1 · 08/01/2022 12:31

If he is working 12 to 13 hour days that is a huge part of the issue right there!
He needs to work less and do a LOT more childcare (and housework). You have to adjust your finances to suit.

You need to sleep with him at night and train the children ASAP to sleep in another room from their parents.

SeaToSki · 08/01/2022 12:44

It might be worth going to your GP and mentioning you have lost your libido. It is very common for thyroid levels to crash after having babies and that can completely dry up your sex drive. Also anemia and lack of B12 are common amd have a similar impact. A couple of blood tests can quickly check for these problems

Apart from that start taking Vit D daily, at least 2000 iui and also suggest to your DH that looking after the dc for an hour in the evening before their bedtime (so that you can have a bubble bath with a glass of wine) is likely to make you feel more in the mood.
I used to tell my DH that the sight of him doing the washing up or hoovering was very sexy! It was actually true 🤣

Lady089 · 08/01/2022 12:45

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@Lady089 Maybe I didn't phrase my post very well. She really enjoys having sex with me but she was too tired. She was happy for me to do lots of time with the kids so that she could feel less tired in general and have more free time. She has now chosen to spend a bit of that extra free time having sex with me more often, without any pressure from me.[/quote]
You are both using each other to get what you want, she knows if you do the majority of the drudgery, you’ll get what you want and she gets what she wants by having someone to do everything for her. Does this not come across as strange to you? Everyone who is a parent gets tired (not just your wife) but they don’t make one parent do the majority, in order to have sex with them. They have sex because they want to.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 08/01/2022 13:05

Why don't couples plan and talk about a reasonable strategy for dealing with the kids before they arrive?

I don't think he fucked up at all, I think they're both in a situation that's a mess. They're are using a strategy that's inflicting permanent damage on the partnership. You have 2 choices communicate, agree, and manage or it's done.

Camembear · 08/01/2022 13:11

You need to spend time together as a couple cuddling up on the sofa watching tv in the evenings etc. if the only bodily contact you get with your dh is when he goes in dry for a three minute quickly that’s soul destroying, I can see why you’re upset. Not enjoyable at all.

Phrase it in a non ego crushing way. Say you want more better Sec. Which is true.

Sparklfairy · 08/01/2022 13:16

plus he works 10-13 hour days himself so wouldn't have the time

Well, by his own admission, he only needs 5 mins to cheat...

TheAverageUser · 08/01/2022 13:24

@Lady089 but if they both want to sleep together more and she's feeling too tired then what's the issue with him doing more to help so she's less tired? Everything in a relationship requires give and take but I think you're seeing something nefarious when there's just a couple giving and taking to find their balance again after having a baby.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 08/01/2022 13:49

@litterbird @Lady089 I think maybe I haven't explained it well. We are a team in the relationship. I already did my fair share and often more. My teammate was still struggling, so I stepped up and did way more than "my share". It seemed like the right thing to do. It has helped her to feel better within herself, which has helped the relationship.

I don't mean to be derailing the OP's thread. If either of you (or anyone) wants to discuss/debate my situation rather than the OP's, you're welcome to PM me.

Lady089 · 08/01/2022 14:18

[quote TheAverageUser]@Lady089 but if they both want to sleep together more and she's feeling too tired then what's the issue with him doing more to help so she's less tired? Everything in a relationship requires give and take but I think you're seeing something nefarious when there's just a couple giving and taking to find their balance again after having a baby.[/quote]
But why would he have to do all the mornings, night work, shitty nappies, school runs etc in order for her libido to re-appear?
It sounds like he wasn’t pulling his weight before and now he is she suddenly wants more sex. Maybe she thinks if she gets him to do everything and gives him sex in return, then they both get what they want which sounds transactional in my opinion, it just seems odd to me, I can’t imagine anything worse than doing all the drudgery in order to get more sex. I have sex because I want to have sex, irregardless of whether I’m tired or not.
You said a relationship is give or take but if he’s doing the majority of the kid stuff, it’s clearly not a case of give it take.

Lady089 · 08/01/2022 14:21

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]**@litterbird* @Lady089* I think maybe I haven't explained it well. We are a team in the relationship. I already did my fair share and often more. My teammate was still struggling, so I stepped up and did way more than "my share". It seemed like the right thing to do. It has helped her to feel better within herself, which has helped the relationship.

I don't mean to be derailing the OP's thread. If either of you (or anyone) wants to discuss/debate my situation rather than the OP's, you're welcome to PM me.[/quote]
You seem to have quite low standards. I still think it sounds transactional. The only thing that’s benefiting you is more sex which is what you wanted all along. This is the perfect excuse for her to avoid the drudgery because she has a husband willing to do this in exchange for sex. Can you not see this?

Watchingpeppa12 · 08/01/2022 14:26

Are you on birth control OP? I didn’t fancy my DH the whole time I was on the pill and did not enjoy sex, it was so sad. Once I came off it I completely fancied him again it was so much better!

Northernsoullover · 08/01/2022 14:30

I thought I'd lost my libido. It turned out I didn't fancy my partner any more. Could it be that?

Eleganz · 08/01/2022 14:47

@TerraNovaTwo

Breastfeeding does NOT change your sex drive. What a load of shite!

Prolactin is a hormone produced during breastfeeding, it can also be found in elevated levels in people suffering from depression and on those being treated with certain antipsychotics.

There is a significant research literature on the negative impact of elevated levels prolactin on libido in both women and men.

But you believe what you want.

Breastfeeding doesn't appear to be OP's issue here anyway.

Abbo552 · 08/01/2022 16:37

@litterbird

I feel for you, you must be so knackered. Your hormones are probably still all over the place right now so I am not surprised sex is at the back of the mind. Child rearing is exhausting too. It is not uncommon that once women have their brood that they go off sex and their husbands. You are already sleeping separately. I think there needs to be a compromise here. You really do need to start connecting and being together. Can you at least sleep together at the weekend? If you are close physically in bed it might help in the other areas. Your husband is upset about the lack of intimacy so he is trying to find the reasons and one of them is he thinks you are having an affair. Dont berate him for that...you would think the exact same thing if he went off you over night. Its time to prioritise you and him, not the children. Get help with them, go out, enjoy being who you both are without children around. You must save your marriage first....

💯 this, you at least need to try to get back to sleeping in the same bed.

Abbo552 · 08/01/2022 16:41

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@dazzlerdo It sounds like your chat this morning was very useful and productive - well done!

I'm a man with two young kids and I know how it feels to wish that we had more sex while my wife seems far too tired or overwhelmed. I understood that it wasn't surprising that she wasn't in the mood, but it was still hard. I tried to improve things by doing as much of the kid/house time as I could - virtually all of the night wakings, early mornings, poo cleaning, school runs and so on. It seems to have helped (although also my kids are a bit older than yours, so that may have helped too.)

I'm happy to try to give more advice from a male point of view if it's helpful.[/quote]
So your swapping work for sex ?, think I would be kicking her to the kerb for that attitude

Freslag · 08/01/2022 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Lilymossflower · 08/01/2022 19:50

His attitude would put me off sex too. What a wanker.

Itsnotdeep · 08/01/2022 20:03

Is it just that you don't fancy him any more OP? I also found my libido increased once I had a different partner. Just a thought.

Anyway even if that isn't the case, I think his attitude sucks too - you only have to lie there for 5 minutes! That his first thought is that the reason you don't want sex with him is because you must be having sex with someone else.

He's just as responsible for creating intimacy and affection and ensuring his partner wants sex with him as she is but it doesn't seem to have crossed his mind that he needs to do this. All he can suggest is that she's getting it elsewhere! When she has a 1 yo and a 2 yo who don't sleep! That's shit understanding of what the OP must be dealing with.

Original poster

dazzlerdo · 08/01/2022 22:12

Thanks everyone again for your comments.
Reading through them is making me think.. do I fancy him??
I don't know anymore. I know I love him and don't want anyone else or imagine my life without him.
Sometimes and I mean sometimes he does little things that make me smile and I think awww.
Like I said I thinks it's just me with the problem

OP posts:

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