Sending an email instead of talking?

scaredsadandstuck · 2022-01-07T19:57:59+00:00

I really, really need to start a difficult conversation with my husband. I need to tell him I am desperately unhappy and I think our marriage is, if not over, on its very last legs. I've needed to say this, or something similar, to him for probably the last 3 or 4 years (I know!). But for reasons I don't understand, I can't bring myself to. It's possible that I can't because he's covertly abusive and controlling, it's possible that I am. Maybe we're both just awful at communicating and being together. I'm so lost. Anyway - he's away this weekend for work. Firstly, I can't tell you how light I feel knowing he won't be back till Monday and I have the whole weekend just me and my lovely boys. But secondly, how bad is it to send him an email/whatsapp to try to start this conversation, knowing we've got almost 72 hours before we have to be in the same room together?

BigglesPants · 07/01/2022 20:00

I would do it op. It's a good opportunity for you to thoughtfully put your feelings down and have them heard without interruption, and the 3 days could potentially give you both the opportunity to have a back and forth with the necessary breathing space in between to digest.

Original poster

scaredsadandstuck · 07/01/2022 21:19

Thanks for replying and for the supportive response 🙂 That's kind of what I'm thinking too. I just can't shake the feeling i 'should' do it face to face.

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unicornsarereal72 · 07/01/2022 21:23

The beginning of the end for my relationship was started by a what's app exchange. Although we had been on our last legs for a long time. I had to challenge something that was said. And once that can or worms was open there was no going back.

Write something. Sleep in it and edit it. Good luck

SunsetsAndLollypops · 07/01/2022 21:28

I second pp. often it’s easier to have difficult conversations when physically removed from the person. If nothing else he will have the time and space to at least think about what you have said. I did this at the end of my (toxic and abusive) relationship. I almost treated it like a kind of diary entry in a way. It let me express everything I’d been too scared to say/too worried to express in person. It was so therapeutic for me at least. Do it op what’s the worst that can happen? If he comes home and you carry on as you are nothing will change

bongobingo43 · 07/01/2022 21:34

I think it's a good idea to send an email and it will then give you both space to think & digest

Don't compare sending to trying to a serious conversation by WhatsApp. That's when people say face to face is always better

Think of it more like you're writing a letter to him. When you don't feel you can verbalise your feelings or are too nervous it's actually what therapists and counsellors recommend. It's a good way to set out how you feel with the chance to make sure you can reflect on it, get all your points across and not be interrupted

Original poster

scaredsadandstuck · 07/01/2022 21:36

Thanks guys. I like the idea of writing something and looking at it in the morning before sending it.

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Cloudfrost · 07/01/2022 21:47

Sorry but I think it's horrible to say this to him in any way but in person. It's cowardly and disrespectful. I am shocked no-one has said this to you, its what every woman is told whenever a guy ends relationship over text, and while u aren't telling him per se it's over, it is veery close to it.

IamGusFring · 07/01/2022 21:56

I have to agree that it could be seen as disrespectful. I have been treated like this in the past . I believe it is a coward's way out . It gives the recipient no chance to comment in a normal way and is quite cruel. Will this be the first discussion you have had about this or have there been previous ?

SunsetsAndLollypops · 07/01/2022 22:11

Sorry following the latest posts I just have to add another comment. Normally, in a “it’s not working let’s talk about where we go from here “ type situation I would absolutely agree with pp saying it’s the cowards way out and it’s disrespectful etc. However what stood out to me was your comment “ I can’t be because he’s covertly controlling and possibly abusive. It’s possible that I am”. Op you only can make this decision however this resonated with me as I took the opportunity to do this with my absolutely controlling and abusive ex. At the time i questioned if it was me. It wasn’t. To me, if you have picked up on these issues and have now the opportunity to tell him you want out do it! Best case scenario he realises the issues you have and you can work through it or come to an amicable separation decision. Not please don’t ignore your gut instinct which seems to be. He’s not here; I have something to say and now seems a good time to do so

Original poster

scaredsadandstuck · 07/01/2022 22:14

I hear what you are saying, I really do, and that's why I posted because I am torn about what to do. But this isn't me dumping a casual boyfriend, and I am certainly not proposing texting him "it's over". For a start we've been together almost 25 years - it doesn't really work like that. This is me trying to end an horrific stalemate that is destroying my wellbeing, potentially damaging my children too - and of course impacting my husband's wellbeing too. I just need to move forward in some way.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2022 22:18

What do you want? To make a last attempt to save things or to divorce? I’d use this weekend to see a lawyer, or book to see one, get some info based on your situation and arm yourself for a potential split. I’d suggest asking him to go to counselling but if he’s abusive that’s not a good idea.

I’d be deeply hurt if my husband emailed me about something like this but that’s because we’re good at talking so it doesn’t compare if you’ve been unhappy for years.

GentlemanJayFab · 07/01/2022 22:22

I wouldn't allow him to worry about it when he's away and can't talk to you. Not fair and it's a cop out as far as you are concerned.

Original poster

scaredsadandstuck · 07/01/2022 22:25

@SunsetsAndLollypops

Sorry following the latest posts I just have to add another comment. Normally, in a “it’s not working let’s talk about where we go from here “ type situation I would absolutely agree with pp saying it’s the cowards way out and it’s disrespectful etc. However what stood out to me was your comment “ I can’t be because he’s covertly controlling and possibly abusive. It’s possible that I am”. Op you only can make this decision however this resonated with me as I took the opportunity to do this with my absolutely controlling and abusive ex. At the time i questioned if it was me. It wasn’t. To me, if you have picked up on these issues and have now the opportunity to tell him you want out do it! Best case scenario he realises the issues you have and you can work through it or come to an amicable separation decision. Not please don’t ignore your gut instinct which seems to be. He’s not here; I have something to say and now seems a good time to do so

Thank you for your post. It's so complex. He absolutely 100% is not a typically abusive, controlling man. He isn't aggressive, doesn't scream and shout, isn't violent. But I also know that he has done abusive things to me in the past, and I know I have this overwhelming sense that he's too fragile to be confronted or challenged.

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ashorterday · 07/01/2022 22:37

I think it's a good idea. It enables you to explain things clearly, read it through and change things etc. If you're saying it face to face it's easy to get sidetracked and over emotional, and end up not saying what you want to say.

backtolifebacktoreality · 07/01/2022 23:05

I think it's really cruel to send him a message whilst he's away.

If we were reading that a man had sent his wife an email saying he is unhappy and wants to split up, MN would be in uproar.

Your husband deserves being spoken to face to face!

SunsetsAndLollypops · 07/01/2022 23:30

@scaredsadandstuck I absolutely resonate with your predicament. And I understand the posters who are saying please do this face to face etc … however as I said something stuck with me re your initial post. My ex wasn’t a screaming shouting abusive type. He was to the outside world a decent person. You said “it maybe me” and I apologise profusely if this isn’t the case but that’s how they make you feel. It’s me? Maybe I am the problem? I rarely post on here but I honestly feel for you. Please don’t ignore your feelings it’s what I did for too long

moremoony · 07/01/2022 23:31

I wouldn’t do it, you’ll then spend your whole precious weekend waiting for a reply. Then nervous for his return. Enjoy your peace and space. Have fun. Write it on Monday. Bad news can wait

Coldiron · 07/01/2022 23:52

If you had posted that you had been thinking about this for 3 weeks, I would say speak face to face.

But you have been trying for 3 years and not managed so you have to try something different.
Send him a message the day or the day before he comes back so neither of you have too long to stew over it. (And so he doesn’t have too long to reframe the narrative)

Good luck

TokenGinger · 08/01/2022 00:07

I think it's really unfair to do this to him whilst he's at work. I remember an ex texting me on a morning saying we needed to talk after work, then wouldn't speak to me until then. I was full of anxiety and couldn't focus at work. If he's away with work for a weekend, I presume it's something important, and I think it would be unfair to put that on somebody.

baytreelane · 08/01/2022 05:50

If you were a man posting this saying your wife was working away for the weekend and you were going to send her a text/ email stating you wanted out of a 25 year relationship you would be getting called all sorts on here.

grapewine · 08/01/2022 06:15

This isn't fair, for one thing, how would you feel if he did that to you after 25 years?Speak to him in person.

For another thing, will you really be able to enjoy the weekend, or will you be checking your phone for replies and thinking about him coming back?

Write down your thoughts and use them as a help to have the face to face conversation.

userrname · 08/01/2022 07:23

I don’t think it’s fair to do this whilst he’s away.

Firstly, he’s doing his job and receiving this message is going to make it incredibly hard for him to function. Secondly, I believe it’s unfair to hit him with this whilst he’s far away from you and not going to see you for a few days.

I appreciate you may not want to do it face to face, but there must be a better time to do it via email or WhatsApp than this weekend.

Original poster

scaredsadandstuck · 08/01/2022 08:08

Thanks for the replies.

I think the argument about not stressing him out while he's at work is fair. To be clear though I am not, and was never, going to be sending a WhatsApp or email to say it was over. I agree that would be an awful thing to do. I was more thinking of something along the lines of: "I'm sorry to start this conversation over WhatsApp, but things are so awful between us right now and I am so unhappy, but we seem completely unable to talk about it face to face that I don't know what else to do. I'm scared we are hurting the boys with how things are - and I know we would both agree that's not ok. We all deserve to be happy. We really need to talk when you get back because we can't carry on as we are, it's too painful."

He'll be home on Monday morning so maybe I will send something on Sunday evening to start a conversation without too much of a gap until we can speak face to face.

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Original poster

scaredsadandstuck · 08/01/2022 08:15

[quote SunsetsAndLollypops]@scaredsadandstuck I absolutely resonate with your predicament. And I understand the posters who are saying please do this face to face etc … however as I said something stuck with me re your initial post. My ex wasn’t a screaming shouting abusive type. He was to the outside world a decent person. You said “it maybe me” and I apologise profusely if this isn’t the case but that’s how they make you feel. It’s me? Maybe I am the problem? I rarely post on here but I honestly feel for you. Please don’t ignore your feelings it’s what I did for too long[/quote]
Thanks for this. I genuinely do not know if he is abusive and controlling. If he is, he does it by framing the situation as me being the abuser and the controlling one and him being the victim. And maybe I am that. I honestly don't think so, but then I suspect no abuser thinks they are abusive and can come up with loads of excuses about their behaviour. But if I am the abusive one he needs to get away from me anyway. And on the flip side, if he has managed to reframe the situation so that I believe I am the 'bad' one and he's the victim, but that actually isn't true at all - then I need to get away from him. Regardless, it's a toxic environment for our children and I am so worried about what this is doing to them.

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llansanan · 08/01/2022 09:41

I hope you can find a way forward, and applaud you for being able to face up to the issues and not just suffer in silence. Sorry not to feel able to offer any specific advice.