Sending an email instead of talking?

[scaredsadandstuck]

I really, really need to start a difficult conversation with my husband. I need to tell him I am desperately unhappy and I think our marriage is, if not over, on its very last legs. I've needed to say this, or something similar, to him for probably the last 3 or 4 years (I know!). But for reasons I don't understand, I can't bring myself to. It's possible that I can't because he's covertly abusive and controlling, it's possible that I am. Maybe we're both just awful at communicating and being together. I'm so lost.

Anyway - he's away this weekend for work. Firstly, I can't tell you how light I feel knowing he won't be back till Monday and I have the whole weekend just me and my lovely boys. But secondly, how bad is it to send him an email/whatsapp to try to start this conversation, knowing we've got almost 72 hours before we have to be in the same room together?

@scaredsadandstuck

Thanks for the replies.

I think the argument about not stressing him out while he's at work is fair. To be clear though I am not, and was never, going to be sending a WhatsApp or email to say it was over. I agree that would be an awful thing to do. I was more thinking of something along the lines of: "I'm sorry to start this conversation over WhatsApp, but things are so awful between us right now and I am so unhappy, but we seem completely unable to talk about it face to face that I don't know what else to do. I'm scared we are hurting the boys with how things are - and I know we would both agree that's not ok. We all deserve to be happy. We really need to talk when you get back because we can't carry on as we are, it's too painful."

He'll be home on Monday morning so maybe I will send something on Sunday evening to start a conversation without too much of a gap until we can speak face to face.

I think this is very reasonable to send. If you have been struggling to communicate or he displays some unapproachable behaviours I think it is your best way forward. You are inviting him to have a conversation with you about both of your happiness and well being. If he deflects you can counter with "I simply did not know how to raise this subject with you". That in itself tells how distressed you must be. I agree sending it the night before he returns still gives you some peaceful time this weekend. You probably won't sleep but you have initiated it. Sometimes written communication is the only avenue left. You know your H better than anyone & you do have a right to speak your truth. I really don't see this as cowardice, you will be following on with face to face conversations. This is just inviting his dialogue and participation. Much love to you @scaredsadandstuck

I think perhaps reverse the situation for some perspective. Would you like to hear something like this in an email while you are working away?

@ExasperatedTwice

I think perhaps reverse the situation for some perspective. Would you like to hear something like this in an email while you are working away?

I know what you're saying and I guess partly that's why I asked the question, and I am listening to all the views. I suppose though, in answer to your question, if I was as miserable and stuck as we are, yes maybe. If I thought the likely alternative was several more years of being lonely, hurt, confused, unhappy and feeling like my life was passing me by because of an (admittedly inexplicable and pathetic) inability to communicate effectively - I might take 12/24/48 hours of worry in order to move the situation forward - especially if I'd been living with constant worry and anxiety anyway.

Don't get me wrong. I know it is a huge failing on my part that I've allowed my marriage to get to this point and I know this isn't ideal at all. But it is what it is and I'm desperately trying to find a way to make things better.

You're not in this marriage alone, OP. It is not a failing on your part. I said I think you should wait and have the conversation in person, but I commend you for taking the step at all. That's more than your husband has done.

Don't blame yourself. Hope you can find a way forward, wherever it leads. Good luck.

But what if you were oblivious like he obviously is and didn't even realize your partner felt the way they did? I still don't think this is something you should be emailing. Just have a proper conversation and tell him when he gets back.

My ex husband dumped me by text. It was horrific. After many years of marriage and children you owe him a face to face conversation in my opinion

I am not dumping him by text.

@ExasperatedTwice

But what if you were oblivious like he obviously is and didn't even realize your partner felt the way they did? I still don't think this is something you should be emailing. Just have a proper conversation and tell him when he gets back.

He is not oblivious. Or at least I find it almost impossible to believe that he is.

But this is a marriage make or break situation where emailing just isn't appropriate. Rather than blowing his world apart while he's away by giving him a heads up it really is this bad, doing it in person will go down far better. Just write down all the points you want to say so that you can say it in person when he's home.

@kitkatsky

My ex husband dumped me by text. It was horrific. After many years of marriage and children you owe him a face to face conversation in my opinion

I get you . I didn't even get a text .

As you have been unable to find the courage to bring this up in person for 3-4 years, then maybe email (not text as PP are saying for some reason), a short message to say that you would like to talk.

Then once you have pressed send then you can't go back and back out.

You need to talk and you are finding it hard to start. If you send a short email just saying that you would like you both to find some time to talk about your relationship when he gets home, then it gives him a chance to have a think but isn't at all unfair.

I understand your reasoning behind wanting to send an email but this is a massive life event that I feel needs to be done in person.

I'm not sure how I'd feel being away from home and receiving. It's unfair if he's working.

@scaredsadandstuck

Thanks for the replies.

I think the argument about not stressing him out while he's at work is fair. To be clear though I am not, and was never, going to be sending a WhatsApp or email to say it was over. I agree that would be an awful thing to do. I was more thinking of something along the lines of: "I'm sorry to start this conversation over WhatsApp, but things are so awful between us right now and I am so unhappy, but we seem completely unable to talk about it face to face that I don't know what else to do. I'm scared we are hurting the boys with how things are - and I know we would both agree that's not ok. We all deserve to be happy. We really need to talk when you get back because we can't carry on as we are, it's too painful."

He'll be home on Monday morning so maybe I will send something on Sunday evening to start a conversation without too much of a gap until we can speak face to face.

I think this sounds like a good idea, Maybe drop the “we can’t carry on” bit ?, if you want to use this to kickstart a discussion, as it sounds like a Dear John ?

If you were to do it in writing I would do it when he is still around. I can see the attraction of writing but I think it needs to be followed pretty quickly with a conversation.

Given what you’ve written and your apprehension at having a conversation about your marriage, I think you should start with solo counselling. You need someone in your corner to support you and to be the neutral voice for when things get confusing.

Get stronger and then get talking. I worry that if you don’t have support lined up before you talk to your husband, that you could get manipulated/ guilted into shutting up.

I've needed to say this, or something similar, to him for probably the last 3 or 4 years (I know!). But for reasons I don't understand, I can't bring myself to

Hopefully you've tried discussing your feelings with him before (if so, what happened?) and what you've been bottling up for 3-4 years isn't going to come as a massive shock to him. Are you both bad at communicating or is it just one or other?

Dear Op,

So much of your post resonates with me.

When my exH and l hit a rough patch in our marriage - we found it impossible to communicate effectively and our dynamic became toxic.

The root of the problem was he would invalidate my feelings on his upsetting behaviours and gaslighted me terribly by saying things like ‘you have misinterpreted me’ .

He just wanted me to fall in line with his way of thinking.

It was torture trying to discuss things. The conversations were circular in that it would be very difficult to establish an agreement on what the problem was. Often l would have to repeat and remind him again and again what his upsetting behaviours were and he would ‘not remember’ or shift the blame to me.

I would end up ‘losing it’ either shouting or crying so then l became the unreasonable one.

Maybe l was but one thing l knew was the dynamic was unhealthy and l felt l was losing my mind.

I ended up leaving him when he went away for the weekend and l emailed him an explanation.

I had months of guilt afterwards for doing that to him and of course it was awful for him to come home to an empty house.

But he knew things were bad. I had left briefly before and only came back after repeated reassurances from him that he would work on things. I had told him we were hanging by a thread.

I know now that his behaviour was coercive and controlling and he was emotionally abusing me.

However l am not proud of certain behaviours on my part either. One thing that sealed it for me was that l didn’t want to be the person l became when our communication turned toxic. So that was reason enough for me to leave.

I think the posters who say you should speak to him face to face have possibly never experienced a controlling coercive dynamic. And this will be something you have endured for decades.

It will have worn you down and l think you know in your gut if you try to have ‘the conversation’ with him, he won’t listen, he will gaslight you, guilt trip you, manipulate you and so on.

You could try marriage counselling but for me it was a waste of time because exH just turned into golden boy for the session but nothing changed.

If you feel it’s over, start making plans to separate.

xx

I don't want to worry you but there are several ways this could go if you feel he is coercive. He might become more coercive and nasty. He might already be having an affair and hiding it from you, so telling him could force his hand in leaving. He might become more uncaring and oppositional quite suddenly.

Ok he might also be sad, stressed, worried and feeling rejected, and deal with it in a grown up, loving way with you.

But if he doesn't, are you protected and ready? Do you know where all the money is in the marriage, have you got your papers & documents in order with copies of key stuff? can you just plan some scenarios of what might happening? I'm sure you will feel this is alarmist but it's not out of the question that he'll react with a dramatic or angry withdrawal. You already already an uneasy sense of abuse.

I would write.

Especially if you are dealing with someone who can be abusive and controlling. If you do it in person they might react really badly and you need to think about your safety.

The alternative might be to arrange to suggest you meet in a public place (coffee shop) where you would feel safer and where he will be less likely to cause a scene.

But be prepared that with this type of man (as you mention he seems to fall back on blaming you for everything and painting himself as the victim) it is likely that he will try to dismiss your concerns and to shift the blame to you again.

If you were in a healthy relationship I could see the point of people telling you to do this face to face out of courtesy and to give him the chance to give you a response and create a dialogue.

But there are many red flags in how you are describing your state of mind, his behaviour and the state of the relationship.

For what it is worth I ended a relationship this week with someone who I had known for six years and who was my best male friend before we got together. The man I thought I knew went absolutely mad and I received a torrent of insults about my character, behaviour, our sex life and false accusations on things that I had supposedly done to him. I had been concerned about his behaviour for a while which had been getting more erratic affecting his work, relationship with his kids (he is divorced) and that he was abusing drugs and alcohol so I ended it in writing. I dread to think if I done this in person what his reaction would have been. I did feel guilty initially about writing but his over the top reaction showed me that it was the safest option.

So my point is think about your safety first.

OP, what you are writing is resonating with me about a friendship I ended, which I know is not the same as a marriage but bear with me. I had the same questions about whether or not it was I who was abusive as she loved to paint herself as a victim but was actually nasty about so many things and controlled so many things in ways I found confusing. I also had the sense she couldn't cope with a direct conversation about why I was doing this so I ended it over a text. I appreciate that this is seen as hideous behaviour on here but life is far more nuanced than these things being so black and white. If you need to collect your thoughts and write stuff down to him then do it. Trust your feelings above his, above any anonymous posters here, above everything else. Something in this relationship has shut down your ability to verbally communicate honestly with him so respect that within you and start a dialogue in whatever way works for you. In the grand scheme of things the important thing is the end of the relationship, not how you do it. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Thanks all. @Whatdirection - a lot of what you've written resonates with me too! I feel like I'm going mad and also cannot stand who I am when I am with him, who I have become. I know that I am a kind, compassionate and emotionally intelligent person. But I am not when I'm with him.

@AgentJohnson - yes, I was seeing a therapist for quite a long time about 3 years ago but she went on mat leave. I've just started seeing someone else, but only had a couple of sessions so far. Perhaps I should wait till I've spent a bit more time with her as the last time we spoke before Christmas we agreed our focus would be to help me get to a place where I felt able to have that conversation. Just Christmas was so awful I kind felt spurred on to do something sooner!

@ElectraBlue and @Dullrugby - wise advice, thank you. I really don't think he's going to be violent or overtly abusive, it's just not his style because then he can't be a victim. And like I say, I am not even sure if he really is abusive/ controlling or if we're just really dysfunctional. But thank you

@CandidaAlbicans2 - yes over the years we've had conversations and certainly a couple of times in recent years. I feel like nothing really changes in the long term. I feel like I'm kicking a puppy when I raise concerns. I guess that's what I mean when I said in an earlier post that o am not sure if it's actually me who is abusive.

The thing is the covert abuse can be just as damaging as overt abuse.

He might not get violent as it’s difficult then to play the victim.

But he can use other strategies that can cause you to doubt your sense of yourself.

After we split, my exH was very good at doing minor under the radar harassment acts - like repeatedly asking us to try again and saying he didn’t understand. Phoning me when l had asked him not to. The amount of emails l had to send re- explaining myself was exhausting and stopped me being able to move forward. I felt like he had dementia as he just couldn’t/wouldn’t get it.

It took me a while to toughen up on boundaries- he let me have the house back after about 6 weeks and he moved to a friends - however then he could play the good guy - it took him ages to move all his stuff out and he would return when l was at work and let himself in for very spurious reasons like needing shoe polish or batteries. It was difficult as my adult son lived here and l initially didn’t want him to feel he couldn’t invite his Dad in.

Because all those things seemed minor it took me a while to toughen up.

Keep,posting on here xx

The clear advantage of writing, is that he can't talk over you, interrupt accuse or gaslight.
You tell him you are unhappy, & need to have an adult conversation in the letter, then make it clear it needs to be when he can't rush, walk out, say he's late for work, tired, or not in the mood,

At least you will have taken the first step.

The point I was making was more that when you leave the marriage, you're suddenly not on the same side any more, and so he could react by protecting his interests and not yours.

Whether he does that by whining and being a victim and strategic incompetence or in a more overt way, you need the ducks in a row, that's all.

Given what you've said about him being abusive, and you seem confused as he is saying you are, that is classic abusive behaviour.

Write him an email, read it back again the next day, leave out anything which vilifies him, no criticism, just that it's not working and you would like to discuss a way forward. Don't leave any room for him to turn this onto you, no examples or explanations.

Send it on the Sunday evening and set a time where you will sit down to discuss on the Monday when he is home.

I get why people are saying it's a terrible way to approach it but I do understand why you are taking this route.