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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sending an email instead of talking?

67 replies

scaredsadandstuck · 07/01/2022 19:57

I really, really need to start a difficult conversation with my husband. I need to tell him I am desperately unhappy and I think our marriage is, if not over, on its very last legs. I've needed to say this, or something similar, to him for probably the last 3 or 4 years (I know!). But for reasons I don't understand, I can't bring myself to. It's possible that I can't because he's covertly abusive and controlling, it's possible that I am. Maybe we're both just awful at communicating and being together. I'm so lost.

Anyway - he's away this weekend for work. Firstly, I can't tell you how light I feel knowing he won't be back till Monday and I have the whole weekend just me and my lovely boys. But secondly, how bad is it to send him an email/whatsapp to try to start this conversation, knowing we've got almost 72 hours before we have to be in the same room together?

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 10/01/2022 07:49

OP, initially I felt this was a conversation that's needed face to face.

However, as I read more & more of your posts, especially your comment on him potentially being abusive, or you are, I'm seeing it differently.

While no-one can be definitive here, the fact you are wondering if you are abusive, likely means you are not. Abusers don't tend to think they are.

I would say there's a really strong chance that he has emotionally controlled you to the extent you are doubting yourself.

I think sending the message / email is a good first step. I would then discuss his reply with your therapist. It should give you a good idea of whether he is abusive or not.

GentlemanJayFab · 10/01/2022 08:23

@baytreelane

If you were a man posting this saying your wife was working away for the weekend and you were going to send her a text/ email stating you wanted out of a 25 year relationship you would be getting called all sorts on here.
Love this. You would get crucified.
EarringsandLipstick · 10/01/2022 08:57

Love this. You would get crucified.

OP has made it clear she isn't writing to her H to say she is leaving or wants to end the relationship. RTFT

Original poster
scaredsadandstuck · 10/01/2022 09:56

@EarringsandLipstick

Love this. You would get crucified.

OP has made it clear she isn't writing to her H to say she is leaving or wants to end the relationship. RTFT

Thank you @EarringsandLipstick Smile

You'd also, if you'd RTFT, realise that it's not just a case of me waking up one day thinking that I'm a bit bored of my perfectly nice husband. If that were the case, and if (like the very many men we read about on this forum) I'd been sleeping around, lying, cheating, avoiding my responsibilities, treating my husband like a like a servant and then decided I wanted out - I would absolutely deserve to be "crucified" for sending a text saying 'it's over'. However, even from my very first post it's been abundantly clear that's not what I'm proposing.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 10/01/2022 17:03

What did you decide to do OP?

secreteatingteen · 10/01/2022 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

findthecourage · 10/01/2022 18:30

@scaredsadandstuck I hope you are ok? Trust your gut instinct here. Sending love and solidarity 😘

Original poster
scaredsadandstuck · 10/01/2022 18:34

Thanks for checking in. I didn't do anything which I'm annoyed about - I'm speaking to my therapist tomorrow morning though so hopefully that will help a bit.

OP posts:
applecrumbleforteaagain · 10/01/2022 21:36

I've written that email a few times to my DH drafted it, while he was away on business and you know what just the process of writing it, re-wording it getting it out of my head gave me the confidence to say it all to his face.

So maybe write the email, write a letter just get it all out if your head, and then think about what you've written and use it to help you with the process of separation.

I'm still with DH 5 years longer than I should be and have only financial reasons for the next 6 months and then I have saved enough and I'm out, covid delayed me.

And good luck

EarringsandLipstick · 10/01/2022 22:15

Don't be annoyed OP. You've thought through a possible course of action. Talking to your therapist is a good idea.

I wrote many letters & emails to get my H to listen to me. Futilely, as he was abusive & was only going to use it against me.

The most important thing is to work out what you want & need, by whatever process.

Good luck with your therapist. 💐

Original poster
scaredsadandstuck · 12/01/2022 18:54

Quick update - I've posted this on another thread so apologies for repetition, I guess I'm looking for a distraction/hand hold.

Husband sent me a message earlier about some domestic stuff. He then followed up with a message saying we should go for an evening out soon, and asking of I wanted to. So I replied and said I didn't think that would be enough to fix things and we probably need to get some counseling. I know it probably seems like a tiny little thing but it is the most I've said in about 3 or 4 years. He replied to say he agreed (and how terrible he feels about everything - but this is him trying to make me feel sorry for him). I said I was leaving it to him to look into - I said this because I want him to make the effort here, not me.

But now I'm waiting for him go get home from work and feeling really nervous and anxious about whether he's going to want to have a massive talk and how it's going to go etc 😬

OP posts:
Coldiron · 12/01/2022 19:15

Well done for raising the issue and good luck for later on 💐

Original poster
scaredsadandstuck · 12/01/2022 19:35

Thank you!!

OP posts:
Mix56 · 12/01/2022 20:49

Well done, just tell him the truth.
Get it out in the open, pierce the boil

EarringsandLipstick · 12/01/2022 22:02

Well done. Even if he wants to talk, you can say you don't. Ask him to arrange the counselling & day you'll discuss matters then.

Hope it's gone ok tonight 💐

backtolifebacktoreality · 13/01/2022 01:13

@scaredsadandstuck

Quick update - I've posted this on another thread so apologies for repetition, I guess I'm looking for a distraction/hand hold.

Husband sent me a message earlier about some domestic stuff. He then followed up with a message saying we should go for an evening out soon, and asking of I wanted to. So I replied and said I didn't think that would be enough to fix things and we probably need to get some counseling. I know it probably seems like a tiny little thing but it is the most I've said in about 3 or 4 years. He replied to say he agreed (and how terrible he feels about everything - but this is him trying to make me feel sorry for him). I said I was leaving it to him to look into - I said this because I want him to make the effort here, not me.

But now I'm waiting for him go get home from work and feeling really nervous and anxious about whether he's going to want to have a massive talk and how it's going to go etc 😬

I'm a bit confused as you've said he's totally aware of the issues and that any email you sent wouldn't be out of the blue.

Then in this update you say that these few words are the most you've said in years!?

Original poster
scaredsadandstuck · 13/01/2022 07:44

He's totally aware that things are not right between us - that's why he wrote that he feels terrible about everything.

OP posts:
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