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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Does anyone else have a marriage like mine?

90 replies

manutd · 21/10/2002 03:17

together 8 years, 3 great kids .Kind of rumble along reasonably happily in the same household if not really together but have nothing in common but the kids.
Eat separate meals, take separate holidays.
Separate bedrooms, sex about five times a year (my choice, I'd be happy with none)
I'm not thinking about splitting up (would be very hard on him and I don't dislike him sufficiently to do that to him if that makes sense)and I'm not actively miserable.He is basically one of life's "good guys" even if I have gone off him.
I just wondered if many others out there also have "low key" marriages like mine.

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Lambchops · 09/02/2003 11:57

I keep coming back to this thread to see how everyone else is getting along. I'm glad that everyone managed to get through Christmas without any major crises, Christmas is always a flashpoint for us but like everyone else, I just kept out of his way.
I'm still of the same opinion that I am probably still better off staying here but mumsnet has made me realise how lonely I am. TH (tolerated husband) provides no companionship.....he really is very eccentric with a really whacky all consuming hobby.
Sometimes I fantasise about a lover but being a size 20 with waistlength boobs and a face like a well skelped kipper I think it will probably remain just a fantasy!
Anyway, chin up, thanks for being there all you mumsnetters.

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kaz33 · 14/02/2003 16:43

Just read this thread for the first time.

I remember someone once said to me "leaving doesn't make you happy, but it gives you the chance to be happy again".

I stuck with my alcoholic partner for 4 years, thinking somehow things would get better - but they didn't. I didn't like him or respect him. Luckily there were no kids involved. Leaving him was hard and I was miserable, not because I had left him but because my self confidence was totally smashed.

I don't believe relationships are about whether or not you have sex three times a week or once a year - those are issues that can be worked out. But if a relationship is destroying your self esteem and your self confidence - then you have to leave. Not only for your own sake but also for your children, the messages that we pick up as children from our parents affect how we relate to partners when we grow up. Youre wrong if you believe that just because your partner is a good dad, or you don't row infront of the kids that youre own lack of self esteem won't affect your childrens own self confidence and colour their relationships in the future.

I think relationships with respect but no sex can survive. But relationships without respect are insidious, they eat away at ones self confidence. The self esteem which allows us to value ourselves. Everyone deserves that.

Gosh that sounds quite severe, but I feel pretty strongly about it.

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Clarinet60 · 19/02/2003 23:45

I think you're right, kaz33. I think that sums it up really well. Thanks.

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manutd · 22/03/2004 02:24

have been away for a while and decided to look this up to see if my situation felt any different from how I described it over a year ag- can't believe it is that long.
How sad, it is just the same. Still together in our own strange seperate way. I keep out his way to stop him going into one of his rages. Sometimes I worry I will flip.
I have a pretty happy life but don't have any adult love/affection.
Is everyone else still together?

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spacemonkey · 22/03/2004 02:28

how strange manutd, i was just looking at this thread earlier on and wondering how you are!

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Moniker · 22/03/2004 17:37

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ponygirl · 22/03/2004 18:32

Oh Moniker, I'm so sorry things are so tough for you. I don't have any advice to offer, I've never been in your situation, but please don't do anything in your marriage that feels like a backward step.If you don't want him in you bed, and after all that's happened I don't blame you, then I don't think he should be there. Trying to force the marriage to work is only going to make the situation worse for you, IMO.

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nutcracker · 22/03/2004 20:38

OMG - You could all be me. Manutd, my relationship is exactly like yours, except that we are not married (thankgod).
I have been with my dp for 7 years and when i first met him i was 18, he was 38. I didn't fancy him at all but i was very depressed at the time and having alot of trouble at home and college and he was funny, he was the first person that had made me smile in a long time.
I realise now of course that i should of just left it at being friends.
We have 3 kids aged 6, 4 and 1, and if i'm totally honest i would rather be dead than still be with him in 10 years time.
I don't love him at all, i don't hate him either though. I have no desire to have a sexual relationship with him, and long to be in a normal loving relationship.
He knows ( i think ) that i don't love him, as i haven't the energy to hide it anymore.

I have had some very good advice from people on here but i still haven't made a desicion. I am so weak, and have so many other things goingg on at the moment, but then maybe i'll always have an excuse, i hope not.

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Thomcat · 22/03/2004 20:59

I just want to say that although I have nothing to add to this thread really but how lovley that you've all been able toopen up to each other and find similar situations etc, it was so nice to see you all come out of the woodwork and support each other.

2 people in my life, live seperatly but are still very much husband and wife.
She left him and got her own house, but is there at his house, 3 0r 4 times a week, has her own room, they go everywhere together, holidays, Xmas birthdyads, sundays etc ertc very much as husband and wife. They refer to each other as such and are currently designing a new kitchen together in the house he lives in and although she has her own home says that she is getting a new kitchen and things like that.

I guess it's a case of can't live with, but can't live without.

I know of another couple, married years and years, he lives upstairs and she lives downstaris, no kids around now. He knocks on her door and comes in for a drink and they go out together etc but live seperate lives.

it works well for some people.

Lots of love to you all, TC x

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Lambchops · 23/03/2004 01:48

It's lovely to hear from you, Manutd. I often wondered how you were getting on after this thread.

I changed me Mumsnet name after this thread because I thought I had maybe said a few too personal things.

Life is the same for me, but like you, not particularly unhappy. We have actually been getting on a bit better of late.

Moniker, your story is similar to mine......lots of water under the bridge that cannot be changed. I hope you have gained some comfort from the stories on here. I know I have.

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moniker · 26/04/2004 17:20

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Lara2 · 30/04/2004 23:06

Still together manutd, still feel the same, everything is still the same. Feeling very sterssed at the moment for various reasons and would love to have someone to share it all with - fat chance! Sad that we're both still hanging on in there - but guess we both feel the same huh?

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manutd · 27/03/2005 23:04

time for the yearly update! This would be funny if it was not so sad. Still chuntering along wavering between living reasonably harmoniously and in a completely hostile and toxic home environment with the odd blazing row thrown in.

Today he accused me of slagging off his family to my bil yeasterday.( This never happened.)

Today I actually concluded I hate him.
But splitting up STILL seems too much of an upheaval.

how is everyone else?

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Boobz · 08/02/2014 13:57

I know this is ancient, but I want to know if everyone stayed together in the end, or now that your children are older, did you finally split?

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AnneWentworth · 08/02/2014 21:51

Boobz I was just going to post too in spite of it being ancient.

We have one of those middling marriages. I assume at some point we will get divorced or I will get a load of hobbies and socialise more as the DC get older. I have loads if things I want to do, he has none really so I guess this is what will happen and I hope to be satisfied with all the other areas of my life.

The one main difference is that we do have sex and I don't do it under duress. But I also don't do it because I particularly want to have sex with him more because I like having sex and don't want to not. I am very easily attracted to others though, although have never acted. We do seem to be getting on better as the DC get older though so perhaps the pressures of young children are the issue although as others gave said we have had some terrible moments that I will never ever forget.