Does anyone else have a marriage like mine?

[manutd]

together 8 years, 3 great kids .Kind of rumble along reasonably happily in the same household if not really together but have nothing in common but the kids.
Eat separate meals, take separate holidays.
Separate bedrooms, sex about five times a year (my choice, I'd be happy with none)
I'm not thinking about splitting up (would be very hard on him and I don't dislike him sufficiently to do that to him if that makes sense)and I'm not actively miserable.He is basically one of life's "good guys" even if I have gone off him.
I just wondered if many others out there also have "low key" marriages like mine.

[SimonHoward]

Bellyjean

Your DH needs his eyes testing and his ideas bucking up if he thinks a size 12 is overweight and not sexy.

[Tinker]

Sexless, don't mean to sound facetious at all but, how does he think you'll have another child if he doesn't have sex with you?

[Sexless]

Tinker - same way we had last one - by having sex once a month when I told him too - very mechanical I'm afraid ! Means to an end !!

[Lambchops]

Gosh! this thread is really opening my eyes. I really thought my marraige was odd but it seems there are lots in the same boat.
Manutd, my husband had 'big baby' syndrome too everytime I instigated a discussion or voiced the slightest displeasure. Sometimes I could set him off with somthing as mild as a 'tut' or a raised eyebrow. Like you, I knew his triggers and just avoided them. I use the past tense now because it doesn't happen anymore. I've probably said more than I meant to say when I began communicating on this thread, but I am just stunned that there are people who understand.
Some of the criticism I have had has come from women who think life is not worth living without a man. My life is very happy and fulfilling as it was in my single days, I suppose we live like an amicably separated couple under the same roof. I don't think either of us are likely to have an affair since we are both pug ugly by the media's definition of beauty, and I am considerably bigger than a size 12! I think I will start a thread about womens' portrayal in the media. No! No! I'm not good at controversial arguments!
Anyway, if you are there manutd, thanks for a great thread.

[Rhubarb]

Bellyjean - tell him where to get off! Men who make personal comments like that are very low in self-esteem themselves and they find it makes themselves feel better if they put other people down. Tell him something you don't like about him! And go out on a girls night out, get loads of telephone numbers and show them to him saying "Well, if you don't like me the way I am, I can always find someone who does - vomit breath!"

I'm not going to change my name for this, I don't care who knows my secrets! My dh is hardly sex on legs, he has a very low sex drive. Like Sexless, I was probably a virgin when I met him (I say probably, I had one close sexual encounter but don't know if it was sex or not) though he wasn't. We are not very adventurous either, only when we're pissed. Mon-Fri he falls asleep on the sofa at 9.30pm. Sat-Sun either him or me are too drunk to do anything. And when we do, it is after a few drinks, so I kinda feel that he has to get drunk to make love to me. We've spoken about this and he has admitted to not having a very high sex drive. The problem is that because I was sexually inexperienced when I met him, now I have found sex I want more of it, whereas he has been there and done that. The other problem is that when I have had a few and am out with the girls, I have sometimes gotten myself into awkward situations with men. Either they are coming onto me and I'm too stoopid to notice, or I will have a drunken snog (happened twice).

But at the end of the day, I knew all of this before I married him. He loves me to bits and would be absolutely devastated if I cheated on him. He is a thoroughly decent man, my soul-mate. Sometimes he is too much of a mate, if you know what I mean, but I would never risk what I have for the sake of a bit of exciting sex. It'll last all of ten minutes (unless you're doing it with Sting) and you will have sacrified your whole life for those 10 minutes. Plus once the intial rush of lust is over, your common sense will come flooding back and it will stay with you forever.

So I dunno if I would call mine a 'low-key' marriage. We have our problems, but I meant it when I said till death do us part. I firmly believe there is no problem that cannot be solved by communication. However in Bellyjean's case a good kick in the ass may also be required!

[Tinker]

Ugh, imagine how awful it must be being married to Sting (anyway) but especially if he's in the mood just as Eastenders/Life Laundry/Newsnight (delete whichever don't apply) is about to start!

[Lindy]

Why couldn't I find a DH with a low sex drive!!!

[Lara2]

It's given me great comfort to know that they are lots of people in my situation - which sounds awful, doesn't it? We ALL deserve to be happy - none of us should be in this situation. I often feel a coward, and then think that my children didn't ask to be born, and I owe it to them to give them the most stable/happy childhood that I can. We don't row in front of them, except in exceptional circumstances, they adore him and visa versa. So what right do I have to deprive them of their father, or him of his children on a day-to-day basis just because I don't want to be with him anymore? It hardly seems a valid reason for causing all the devestating fall-out that would undoubtedly occurr. I once asked someone if we had a right to be happy in our lives - they said "yes - of course." I think that perhaps they were right, but it comes a price, in many different guises and can be incredibly painful at the same time.

Is there a soul-mate out there? I don't know - may be it's something we blindly hope for.

[manutd]

Lara2 you said "they adore him and visa versa. So what right do I have to deprive them of their father, or him of his children on a day-to-day basis just because I don't want to be with him anymore? "

that is it exactly. Well put.

[Lambchops]

I agree!

[Lindy]

Well said Lara, & well done for being so honest.

Also, remember that relationships do go up & down over the years, we have had some pretty terrible times (including separation), some pretty good times and ........ most of the time pretty mediocre!! I, personally, don't really believe in'soul mates' - I think inner, personal happiness is the key in life - you are the one person you can always depend on.

[WideWebWitch]

I disagree. I think parents have as much right to happiness as children. Happy parents are generally better at looking after children than unhappy ones IMO and E. I don't think parents have a duty to stay together for the sake of the children. Yes, it's important that both parents spend time with their children and make sure they know they are loved but I think children know when their parents aren't happy together. Divorce and separation don't always make children unhappy and it's better to have 2 happy parents living apart than 2 unhappy ones sticking it out in all its misery for their sake. Not commenting on the marriages on this thread in particular btw, just making a general point.

[sister]

I must admit that I agree with you www, although I'm happy with dh I wish he had a lower sex drive and I wouldn't say he is my soul mate. I can't imagine their are many people who are married to their soul mate and have the same sex drive, not in the real world!

[Lambchops]

I really vowed I was not going to write any more on this thread but here I am again, mumsnet has got a hold on me!
I think that an unhappy marriage and a constantly rowing household is bad for children and in that case, yes, separation is better. The point is that the lack of a 'happy' marriage does not equal 'unhappy' marriage. A marriage can be in the middle surely, neither happy or unhappy. Personally I feel much better and I know that the kids are happier now that we are off the emotional rollercoaster that seems to go with a so called 'happy' marriage. OK, there is no passion, but equally there are no devastating rows either.
Every day I count my blessings and I am not about to destroy numerous lives for very little reason.

[Clarinet60]

How did you get off the emotional rollercoaster, lambchops? Did you come to an arrangement, and does it involve the freedom to see other people? Tell me to mind my own if you like! I just wonder how long one could live without passion and affection. Or have you retained these?

[spacemonkey]

Good questions Droile, I was married for 11 years and for the first few years it was a rollercoaster, then settled into that middle ground that lambchops talks about. In the end I couldn't live without love, passion or affection and I had an affair which killed my marriage stone dead. I don't regret my marriage ending because I felt dead inside with him, but I will never get over the guilt I feel at shattering my young children's lives. Life is messy I guess. Still I would rather my children learn that it is right to pursue fulfilment in life, even if that is messy and hurts people, including oneself. I suppose it depends on your own personality and temperament - some find it possible to live with a tolerable situation and feel content, even happy with that. Others are driven to always seek more from life. Neither one is wrong, although I wish I was more in the first category than the latter for my own peace of mind.

[Clarinet60]

Thanks spacemonkey. It's hard isn't it, whichever way out of this dilemma you choose.

[manutd]

spacemonkey did you end up getting together with your lover? Are you happy in your current situation?
WWW I used to think that too. But it becomes a question of degree. Dh and I do not hate each other, there is no bad atmosphere, we are civil, in fact perfectly "nice" to one another. If it was a consteant screaming match it would not be best for the children to stay together. As it is I can't see how it would nbe best for thsm for us to split up just because I no longer love their father.
Of course we may yet split up. Sometimes I don't think I can stand it any longer. I drink to cope and then when the alcohol gets a hold of me I staret [planning my exit.Then next day reality hits. Apart from anything else the day to day logistics of us separating seem totally insurmountable. At the moment the children are looked after by either one of us every day. I would not want them to go to a childminder, nor could I afford it.

[manutd]

That new Robbie Williams song makes me cry. It goes something like
"I just want to feel real love....cause I got so much love running through my veins going to waste"

That's how I feel

[Clarinet60]

Me too, manutd. It would be a Robbie song, wouldn't it.

[Lambchops]

Oh dear! Here I go again, this is positively my last posting on this.
Droile, we did come to an arrangement. We were about to divorce, then one day I saw my husband playing with the kids and I made up my mind there and then that I was not going to split up the family. DH was desperate to stay but it was his unreasonable behaviour that had brought us to this. So I drew up a plan. I don't really want to go into the details but it involved strong sanctions if he didn't toe the line. It makes me sound hard as nails but it worked. The first part of the agreement dealt with the major problems and the second part dealt with the domestic arrangements. We effectively split the house in two, separate bedrooms sittingrooms etc. We eat together. I am responsible for the interior, he is responsible for vehicles and the exterior. Childcare 50:50 and I do none of his laundry or cleaning of his private rooms. We are both free to come and go but in answer to your question about seeing other people, I don't know. For my part I am 100% sure I will never play the dating game again, all my relationships have been disasters and I can't honestly imagine DH doing it either, he loves the kids far too much. Besides, he really is a bit of an ugly so and so ( as I am also!). So we rub along, it's not so bad. I am really secure enough in myself that I don't need love and affection (I get it from the kids anyway.) It works for us. As I've said, once in a blue moon, I am sad that I probably will never have sex again but that is insignificant compared to my blessings.

[WideWebWitch]

Lambchops and Manutd, you're both right, a marriage may not be happy but that doesn't necessarily make it unhappy - it is all a question of degree. Maybe I'm selfish for thinking that I deserve a soul mate and someone I really fancy...and I'm also incredibly lucky to have that. 10 or 20 years down the line though, who knows? I do understand why people settle for less than they want or deserve when children are involved. Anyway, didn't mean to come across as judgemental, not at all.

[Lambchops]

WWW you never sound judgemental and I always enjoy reading your posts. Life is a compromise.

[Clarinet60]

Thanks lambchops for that very personal reply. I have wondered for a while about having some sort of house-splitting arrangement. I've always thought Jerry & Mick had the right idea, living next door to each other.

www, you are not selfish or judgemental. I think everyone deserves a soul mate if they want one.

[Clarinet60]

ps, for what it's worth, I think such arrangements have been in existence for eaons.
I don't think the current divorce rate is a new thing at all, it's just that over the last 20/30 years, people have been coming out and divorcing openly, instead of pretending to stay married for appearances sake. No disrespect to you lambchop, I know this isn't what you're doing, and won't be what we do either if we decide to go down that route.