Does anyone else have a marriage like mine?

[manutd]

together 8 years, 3 great kids .Kind of rumble along reasonably happily in the same household if not really together but have nothing in common but the kids.
Eat separate meals, take separate holidays.
Separate bedrooms, sex about five times a year (my choice, I'd be happy with none)
I'm not thinking about splitting up (would be very hard on him and I don't dislike him sufficiently to do that to him if that makes sense)and I'm not actively miserable.He is basically one of life's "good guys" even if I have gone off him.
I just wondered if many others out there also have "low key" marriages like mine.

Well - No-one's said a lot about my situation !

My problem is that dh IS my soulmate - I totally love and respect him, both professionally and as a father - I'm just not head over heels in love with him anymore. He is 100% one of life's good guys. But - we just don't have sex !

I don't want to turn him into a rampant sex machine - it would just be nice to know that he still fancied me, because I do miss that. He won't talk about it and certainly wouldn't go to relate or anyone else (stiff upper lip etc..) so I am at a loss as to what to do. I have in the past tried the sexy underwear routine and he laughed at me ! Alcohol used to work occassionally but we are both too tired these days to have time for such run-ups.

Ohhhhh - please someone give me some tips !

WWW your messages are always great, I did not think you were being judgemental!
Sexless you are describing my EX husband who was indeed my soulmate.He went totally off me after many years of marriage (it was not just a flash in the pan!)and I went throught all that stuff way back then about "i am worth some passion in my life" etc etc.That is what makews me so weary about my situation now - such a sense of deja vu but with no escape cause of the kids. Wish now I stayed put. We had no kids and it was an amicable enough split. I never felt as bad about him as I now do with my current dh.No passion with someone you love is not so bad as no passion with someone you dont.
Sexless I did that whole sexy undies thing and felt a right fool, even went to a gymm lost lots of weight and got a great body but it made no difference.

sexless - I can't give you any advice but some people are just not interested in sex (like me!) & perhaps your DH is the same? I don't think I have a 'sex drive' at all, let alone a low one!! When I read articles about 'sexy' men - I really cannot see what is meant, I know that sounds pathetic & I'm almost embarrassed to post this but I wouldn't know what I meant if I described someone as 'sexy' - I understand good looking but not sexy. Maybe some of us are just born this way? The recent thread on who you might want to go to bed with left me cold (literally!). I would be extremely happy to be celibate for the rest of my life - I don't not want sex with my DH - I'm just not interested at all.

Sorry, this doesn't help you much, & now I feel I've made a fool of myself!

Lindy - not everyone sees sex as the be all and end all of a relationship. Society puts too much importance on sex, you cannot open a newspaper without reading about sex somewhere. It almost seems that everyone is doing and enjoying it apart from you! Can I just ask if you have ever discussed your lack of sex drive with anyone? What has it been like when you have had sex? Perhaps you are not allowing yourself to enjoy sex? I was brought up in a very strict RC household. My mother told us all not to indulge in sex outside of marriage, so when my brother got his girlfriend pregnant it was a HUGE scandal. She wept, spoke constantly about the shame of it, really went OTT leaving the rest of us terrified in case it happened to us! As it happens, I am the only one to have had a child inside wedlock! But she never spoke to us about sex, I got the impression it was something you did to have children, not to enjoy. It wasn't until I left home that I became to appreciate how couples enjoy sex. I was terrified at first, but dh has been very loving and though we are not very adventurous, and I have a higher sex drive than him, we do enjoy it. More because for us it is an indication of our love for each other, sex games don't turn us on, making love does.

It's a shame that in sex-ed now at school, they are far too interested in teaching children how not to get pregnant, rather than teaching them about love and respect. It's like saying to them, go and shag as many people as you want, so long as you use protection! But treating sex like this makes it mundane and boring, not special as it should be IMO.

Now I feel that I've said too much and should probably have changed my name! I just didn't want you to feel alone Lindy!

I don't feel I'm far enough out of the post-natal period to have much of an opinion on sex.
Perhaps in another year or so

LOL Droile, that's what I keep trying to tell DH!

Sexless, I kow what you mean about wanting to be desired and with me a dp (only been seeing each other 7 months) I feel the same. I just want him to be tactile and playful and actually want to jump on me! But he doesn't Sorry no answers but I'm detrmined it won't go on, if it does I don't think I could live with it for very long. But I feel he could be my soulmate we get on in so many other ways. HTH

I have found it extremely interesting reading these messages. Up to beginning of September I was in a similar marriage to some of those described. Sex had become very irregular (once every two to three months) and we felt more like brother and sister living together. Whilst we got on O.K and still were able to have a laugh together my husband did not make a significant contribution to family life. He usually played sport every Sunday and then went out for a drink. Saturdays were spend doing domestic chores. On weekdays dh did nothing in morning to help with the kids, got back late and used to spend most of the evening either watching football or in front of the computer. He is a depressive, self obsessed and a work alcholic! He has been successful at work and we enjoy a good standard of living. Despite the problems I still loved him and kept hoping things would get better - I know he loves the kids and I got a lot of pleasure sharing information about what the kids were doing etc (5 and 2). In September he asked for a divorce. No one else involved he just didn't love me anymore and was disatisfied with the sex life. Since then we have had lots of anguished conversations but have not been able to resolve anything. Despite the problems I really thought the marriage would last forever. He is moving out next week-end and I think the marriage is over now. It is really hard and I am dreading telling the kids. Part of me does feel relieved - perhaps we will both be able to find happiness with new partners. However I have to say that at the moment I could not face dating again, I just want to cuddle my kids and snuggle up in my duvet at night. The best thing is that friends and family have been really supportive so I hope I will be able to get throught this even though I know it will be hard... Apologies for the length of this message (my first!)

Oh Neena, That is so sad - I'm so sorry.

Lindy & Rhubarb, Thanks for sharing this with me. It does make me feel better to know that it's not just me - but I still feel kind of weird - like everyone else is at it all the time - except me - I just wonder what I'm missing and why I am missing out ?

I was brought up very strictly myself and sex was and still is a dirty dirty word for my mother - I didn't dare sleep with anyone until I had left home for uni and I was 21 then !! I was brought up to believe that men were only interested in women for one thing, and that when you were married you had to "give in" to keep them happy ! Subsequently I guess I was relieved when dh was not such a man !

dh was at boarding school between the ages on 10 -18 and then at uni where he met me - so I guess he had quite a sheltered upbringing too - maybe that's it, perhaps because we haven't had much experience we don't know what we're missing out on ?

I'm rambling again - thanks to everyone for your words of wisdom. I just worry that whilst he won't talk about it - maybe he's bottling up his similar worries and will one day vote with his feet - but he is just not at all open to discussing such things at all !

As some of you said - there's more to life than sex !

Sexless - you could be describing my marriage. I think I have always had a higher sex drive than dh, and it has caused a number of arguments in the past, but I think now we have reached a 'compromise'. Basically, we don't have sex very often, but when we do, we really enjoy it! (by not very often, I mean every 2 - 3 months, longest 'dry spell' was 20 months after conception of youngest dd) The sexy undies etc don't seem to work, I've just resigned myself to a longer gap in between sex than I perhaps would have liked in an ideal world. BUT I adore my dh, in every other way he is the ideal man, he is also physically affectionate during the day (kisses, cuddles etc when he gets in or leaves) so in the general scheme of things I would say he makes me very happy. A word of caution, by leaving it so long without sex (& I know see above) you may find dh is a bit nervous about it. Try & have a few drinks one night & then seduce him. You may find that this breaks down the barriers. Also please remember that if you both are happy its a good marriage - doesn't matter what anyone else thinks (& I'm a bit sceptical about this 5 times a week stuff anyway - straw poll of other mums with young kids & most are lucky with 5 times a term!)

Rhubarb - thanks for your long posting, I was a bit embarrassed to come back to this thread for a few days!! I didn't have a particularly strict upbringing, & I certainly had a wild sex life when I was a student (but it was more for the 'power' thing, to be honest) - I just find, as others have said, that sex seems to be really over rated, I am not 'unhappy' about it, just stating facts, I prefer to go to bed with a good book!

Lindy, YES - and a nice cup of tea !!! Me Too !!

I often think my marriage is heading in the direction others are describing. Rare sex, limited communications other than in relation to dd, dh grumpy a lot of the time etc. But he is absolutely fantastic with dd and at this stage other things are definitely not bad enough for me to justify separating him from dd on a daily basis.
I recently read an autobiography where the author described his parents relationship as very similar - although he didn't realise as a child (had a very happy childhood) and only found out later that his parents had agreed to stay together until the youngest was in his teens for the sake of the children. This seems to me quite a sane and rational decision. At the alotted time they split and there was no great wrench on either side as it had been planned for years (I'm sure the children must still have been greatly affected but I suppose may have been rather self absorbed by that stage, the author doesn't say).

Yes, that is interesting. It's worse when they are younger, but whatever age the split comes it seems to affect the children deeply (often). I've even heard of people in their late teens and early twenties who were devastated when their parents divorced. Having said that, you do often hear of young adults who are angry that their parents stayed together when it was only a sham anyway. Can't win. As a parent, I feel I should have those two words tatooed on my forehead. Can't win.

oh dear here I am again, this time sitting crying at the computer thinking this cant go on because we have spent all weekend rowing. He was in one of his spectacular grumpsfor several days then lt rip that he is worried about all the social occasions coming up over Christmas. He was in a huge rage and one of the kids did something minorly naughty and he went menacingly towards him and I snatched him up to protect him, purely reflexly instinctively because I did not like the angry look on dhs face. Now dh is mad at me for not showing a united front on the discipline thing - I understand his point but he was practically breathing fire and I was scared on behalf of my three year old.
Also I have done EVERYTHIN|G for Christmas, all the food and gift buying including for his large family and he has cast that up against me saying he would have liked to do some of it himself.
I feel like I hate him but STILL the thought of splitting up seems overwhelming because of who would look after the kids on the days I work.
How does anyone with children ever get to the stage wher they think enough is enough and leave their partner?

Oh Manutd,I really feel for you, and my instict is to say for gods sake get out. I am not qualified to comment - single and never having had a 'serious' relationship, but I just don't think this is right. If there is friction then surely it's not good for the kids, and if you only have one life, is this the way you want to spend it?

Being on your own needn't be as daunting as you think. How old are your children? If the childcare is what's keeping you there then surely you can sort something out?

I agree with anais. Have nothing any more sensible to add at the moment as am recovering from doing everything for christmas too, with a teething non-sleeping baby, so feeling pretty p*ssed off too.
Hope you manage to bite the bullet, manutd. We are all here for you
xxx

manutd, i've been there and i know how daunting - well, terrifying - it seems, but there is always a way! It's nearly 4 years since i split with my husband - we have 2 children - and before the split i was working full time and just couldn't see how i would manage without him to look after the kids. Sometimes I have had to do a lot of juggling, but I have always managed to work something out. Actually I chose to leave the job i was in, took some time out, and now i am lucky enough to have a certain amount of flexibility in my working hours. I guess all I'm saying is it seemed impossibly daunting to me too, but it has worked out fine, and I don't regret for a NANOSECOND having left the miserable sod! Good luck x

manutd - been thinking about you - how was your Christmas in the end? How are things now?

Lara2 that is really kind of you to ask.
Christmas was okay - very tiring, ate and drank too much, put on loads of weight which is not doing my confidence any good.In other words same as everyone elses Christmas!
Things with hubby are slightly better - no real fights for a few weeks. I keep out his way and he is much nicer to me that way.
I do feel sad that this is my life for the forseeable future and I do long for love but I suppose that is human nature. As I have said other things in life are a source of joy, it is just my marriage is so nothingy.
Our kids are really young, 3, 2 and 9m baby .
I have been reading the childcare costs thread. I don't even earn what it would cost to have them looked after never mind have money to live on!
The disruption would be terrible so it is not really an option.

How is everyone else?

Same Christmas as everyone else really. But having him in the house all Christmas was awful. Had his lovely 85 year old granny to stay and I felt that he ignored us largely - every spare moment was spent on the computer! As I have made the decision to stay, I do feel trapped most of the time, we don't have sex at all - can't remember the last time. How sad is that? In other words, the same old, same old.

I'm glad that you don't sound as miserable as you did last time you posted - I know it's not easy, especially as your children are so young. I'm trying to loose my post Christmas binge weight too, not very sucessfully!

I have a similar story. My partner was supposed to be a summer fling! I never felt more strongly about him then that. I tried to split up with him at the end of the fling and he wouldn't go! I was quite depressed at the time and didn't have the strength to make him go (it was my house).
Then of course I got pregnant...I hoped he would improve as a partner even though knew I didn't love him. Instead he spent my pregnancy in the pub and at all night parties. By the time the birth was due I had moved in with my parents (leaving him in MY house!)for the support I wasn't getting from him!
However, I wanted my child to have a father, so I let my partner attend the birth, and 3 years later we are still together.
I don't love or even like him, he is bad tempered and lazy, but I know that one of the best things you can do for a child is to let them have a father. For all his faults, he is not a bad father and my child worships him.
I would describe us as co-parents, although my partner would probably say we are a normal couple ! We don't ever discuss our relationship, and we haven't had sex since the birth.
The atmosphere at home is generally fairly happy, we never ever row or shout at each other. I truly believe that this is a better set up for our child than the alternatives.
Having said that, the scales are finely balanced for me, and it would never take much for me to make the break. Its an insecure situation in some ways, and yet in another way I feel quite free - I could just walk away as I don't really depend on my partner for anything!
I never ever thought this situation could exist, let alone that I could be in it. For the sake of my child I could never speak to people about the situation I am in, and I guess its the same for most of you in similar situations!

I have a similar story. My partner was supposed to be a summer fling! I never felt more strongly about him then that. I tried to split up with him at the end of the fling and he wouldn't go! I was quite depressed at the time and didn't have the strength to make him go (it was my house).
Then of course I got pregnant...I hoped he would improve as a partner even though knew I didn't love him. Instead he spent my pregnancy in the pub and at all night parties. By the time the birth was due I had moved in with my parents (leaving him in MY house!)for the support I wasn't getting from him!
However, I wanted my child to have a father, so I let my partner attend the birth, and 3 years later we are still together.
I don't love or even like him, he is bad tempered and lazy, but I know that one of the best things you can do for a child is to let them have a father. For all his faults, he is not a bad father and my child worships him.
I would describe us as co-parents, although my partner would probably say we are a normal couple ! We don't ever discuss our relationship, and we haven't had sex since the birth.
The atmosphere at home is generally fairly happy, we never ever row or shout at each other. I truly believe that this is a better set up for our child than the alternatives.
Having said that, the scales are finely balanced for me, and it would never take much for me to make the break. Its an insecure situation in some ways, and yet in another way I feel quite free - I could just walk away as I don't really depend on my partner for anything!
I never ever thought this situation could exist, let alone that I could be in it. For the sake of my child I could never speak to people about the situation I am in, and I guess its the same for most of you in similar situations!

sorry to have posted twice!