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Relationships

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Original poster

Would this bother you...dozens of female friends

69 replies

SixDinners · 04/01/2022 22:29

Been seeing a guy, and he has so many female friends. He telephones them, texts them, goes out with them to pubs,events, has them round for meals. He tells me all about them. Some are single, some married, some nearby,some far afield. We see each other quite regularly but on the days or nights we don't, Ican guarantee that he will have been out socially with a different female every day. He tells me what they've talked about ( really personal stuff in many cases) , talks about me to them...
I'm definitely not the jealous type but the sheer volume seems crazy. I honestly forget who is who when he is talking about them.
Not had any experience of this and I don't have many friends at all...and no male ones. Looking for wiser MNetters opinions...

Does this seem off? I honestly almost go to sleep when he is telling me in great detail about Amy and her menopause or Jess with her divorce or Karen with her job loss etc etc.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2022 22:32

It bothers you, obviously, and he isn't about to change. You should end it. There will always be this dynamic that you are uncomfortable with.

dopple · 04/01/2022 22:36

Yes I would avoid, not just from jealousy but how would he be able to give much to the relationship if he's got so much going on? Might be ok for something casual possibly. Does depend on your lifestyle too, if you enjoy being out and about all the time or more of a homebody, does he make a good match for you. If it makes you anxious then it's not right.

RandomMess · 04/01/2022 22:43

I have a good male friend that apart from his school "mates" has female friends because he has no tolerance for alpha male bullshit.

However, he doesn't tell me intimate stuff about his other friends or his partner!!!

Also we're in our late 40s.

Yours sounds like a bloke that wants a constant ego stroke.

dopple · 04/01/2022 22:44

Don't mean to be skeptical but the friends could be a cover for him being a player so if it is something casual be very cautious and use protection until you know him much better and trust him.

AnotherSillawithanS · 04/01/2022 22:47

Gay?

Annaghgloor · 04/01/2022 22:47

DH probably has more good female friends than male, and I have male friends whose friendship groups probably skew female. I mean, if it doesn’t work for you,it doesn’t, obviously, but I’d be far less wary of a man with female friends than I would of a man with no friends at all.

Having said that, my best friend is male, he’s in a newish relationship, and we don’t talk about her at all.

fallenorder · 04/01/2022 23:07

It would bother me but I don't think there's necessarily anything bad about it. I fully admit it's down to my own insecurities and it would make me feel uncomfortable even if everything was innocent. I also wouldn't like the fact that he's sharing their very personal information with you, because it would make me think that he would share my personal information with his friends, and not feel comfortable to share secrets with him. DH has no close female friends and I have no close male friends and that works for us.

Sonaftersonafterson · 04/01/2022 23:59

Has he been single a while?

Does he have male friends too?

If he has male friends too I wouldn't worry. Some people are just charismatic and naturally sociable... lots of mates. If it's all women though, it would make me wonder to be honest.

todaysdilemma · 05/01/2022 00:18

Does he have no close male friends at all?

I wide avoid anyone who can't be close friends with an entire sex, especially when it's their own. Like I would struggle to be with someone who wasn't close friends with at least one person of another ethnicity.

To me, that isn't a man who's just more in touch with his emotional side or whatever bollocks they use to justify it - that's a man with deep seated insecurities that come about when he's in male company. But then, I like emotionally healthy people who can get along and connect with a variety of different people.

So having female friends isn't the issue. It's the ONLY having female friends that is the issue.

writergirl007 · 05/01/2022 00:25

Don't want to be mean, but if you had more friends yourself you'd understand that men and women can hang out as pals, no agenda. Most people hang out with people they get along with, regardless of gender.

Why don't you have any male friends? That's weird to be honest. If you start telling him who he can and can't be friends with, he'll run for the hills.

RoseSays · 05/01/2022 00:38

Has he ever had sex or been in a relationship (or tried to have sex or a relationship) with these women?

Some guys collect trophy women around them because they love their egos stroked and they can't commit to a proper relationship.

What's his relationship history like?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/01/2022 00:48

He tells me what they've talked about ( really personal stuff in many cases)

This would make me think he's indiscreet and immature tbh. Not attractive.

beachyandswimmy · 05/01/2022 00:55

Yes, probably insecure and keeps a collection of female friends. I used to be the female equivalent of this, but I was single at the time, and very young

I cannot deal with this in a partner. It's not even just about cheating, but I don't get why he's keeping all this women around. Contempt for men? Back up options/former lovers?

Idk. Female friends aren't the issue. It's fine to have a mix, but just unusual amounts are a bit much for me. Someone will come along soon and say this is controlling and abusive, though

beachyandswimmy · 05/01/2022 01:02

@writergirl007

Why don't you have any male friends? That's weird to be honest. If you start telling him who he can and can't be friends with, he'll run for the hills.

Men don't always see it the same way you might as a woman, having been the female friend around males.

I'm op's case it's just the sheer number, she never denies opposite sex friendships exist. In which case, it signals more of an insecurity thing to me. Pp mentioned rejecting what they perceive as alpha males.

I've witnessed this. Men who are intimidated by other men and assume they're all "alphas". Basically a "pick me".

Lou98 · 05/01/2022 01:03

It doesn't sound like he's trying to hide anything, they know about you, he's telling you about them so I don't think it is something I would be bothered about personally, however, everyone is different and if it bothers you now you shouldn't continue seeing him as if it's bothering you when you're not officially together, it's only going to bother you more the more involved you become.

You see so many threads on here where women aren't happy about their partners female friends even though they were friends when they met. It's absolutely fine to not be comfortable with it but in that case don't start the relationship, it isn't fair to continue with it then expect them to end their friendships

RantyAunty · 05/01/2022 03:58

It's rather annoying when someone tells lenghty stories about people you don't know.That he will freely gossip about their personal details isn't good either. He'll be doing the same to you.

Onthedunes · 05/01/2022 04:12

If it feels off then it is off

To you

Leave him to it.

Original poster

SixDinners · 05/01/2022 06:20

He's been married and had kids. So probably not gay....! No issue with him having friends of any sex at all and would never say anything. He does have male friends too but he seems to collect the female ones much more.
And yes to the oversharing! Why do I need to hear an hours worth of what Jennifer's ex was like ( whoever she is...oh wait she is a third cousin of his next door neighbours sister)???
I've been married myself, had relationships since , and just not met anybody like this.

OP posts:

YourenutsmiLord · 05/01/2022 06:29

Hmmmm, all this being open about his friendships - I think it disguises an underlying lack somehow.
Only man I knew like this had almost no male friends because he was a bit of a show off.

Lolamento · 05/01/2022 06:56

For me is the oversharing that would put me off.

Thethuthinang · 05/01/2022 07:02

I'd also be wary if he lacks close male friends. My abusive dad, who has narcissistic tendencies and other unaddressed mental health issues, always has a circle of female friends who he charms into tolerating his nonsense. Men don't give him the adoration he craves, and he can't connect with them. He's hollow inside. Sad.

todaysdilemma · 05/01/2022 07:09

@SixDinners

He's been married and had kids. So probably not gay....! No issue with him having friends of any sex at all and would never say anything. He does have male friends too but he seems to collect the female ones much more. And yes to the oversharing! Why do I need to hear an hours worth of what Jennifer's ex was like ( whoever she is...oh wait she is a third cousin of his next door neighbours sister)??? I've been married myself, had relationships since , and just not met anybody like this.

That could be quite telling in a way of how he is in a social or relationship setting. When you start dating someone you should be engaged and interested in learning all about them, sharing ideas, talking about interests/hobbies, experiencing things together etc. Not just gossiping endlessly and needlessly about other people.

Some people are like this - the extent of their conversation is just gossiping about other people and their lives. And over the long term, in a relationship can prove very boring if that's all there is. It will be for you to figure out if he is such a person. And how you feel about gossip generally. I would assume his friendships with them too is based around gossiping - which could explain why so many more women (I'd say it's also a specific type of woman too - someone who gossips.) Does he have any hobbies or is this the extent of his social life?

Original poster

SixDinners · 05/01/2022 08:49

He does have hobbies...which he does with one or another female friends!!!! So..he'll go running with Amy ( yeah, not real names ..), swimming with Laura, painting with Jessy etc etc.
It's almost like he has something to prove isn't it?
He showed me something on his phone and there were just pages of chats with different women..nothing untoward at all just friends back and forth about their lives. I did see he had sent me a picture of him at a party, and the same pic was sent to all them too!!! I'm sure when he texts me , they all get the same !! Guess I'd just like to feel a bit more special.... He does tell them he's dating me..

OP posts:

Avarua · 05/01/2022 08:52

It makes him sound very... feminine.
I'm sorry, I thought gay too. Or maybe just feminine rather than gay.
No-one likes a gossip.

Annaghgloor · 05/01/2022 08:52

@SixDinners

He does have hobbies...which he does with one or another female friends!!!! So..he'll go running with Amy ( yeah, not real names ..), swimming with Laura, painting with Jessy etc etc. It's almost like he has something to prove isn't it? He showed me something on his phone and there were just pages of chats with different women..nothing untoward at all just friends back and forth about their lives. I did see he had sent me a picture of him at a party, and the same pic was sent to all them too!!! I'm sure when he texts me , they all get the same !! Guess I'd just like to feel a bit more special...

. He does tell them he's dating me..

Well, he sounds unattractive to me if he spills his guts on deeply personal.stuff to huge numbers of people of either sex, and I’d find the idea of sending selfies from a party to anyone juvenile and frankly silly. None of this would be to do with the sex and number of his friends, but he wouldn’t be attractive to me because he sounds a bit superficial. Does he have any inner life?

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