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Original poster

Would this bother you...dozens of female friends

69 replies

SixDinners · 04/01/2022 22:29

Been seeing a guy, and he has so many female friends. He telephones them, texts them, goes out with them to pubs,events, has them round for meals. He tells me all about them. Some are single, some married, some nearby,some far afield. We see each other quite regularly but on the days or nights we don't, Ican guarantee that he will have been out socially with a different female every day. He tells me what they've talked about ( really personal stuff in many cases) , talks about me to them...
I'm definitely not the jealous type but the sheer volume seems crazy. I honestly forget who is who when he is talking about them.
Not had any experience of this and I don't have many friends at all...and no male ones. Looking for wiser MNetters opinions...

Does this seem off? I honestly almost go to sleep when he is telling me in great detail about Amy and her menopause or Jess with her divorce or Karen with her job loss etc etc.

OP posts:
moremoony · 05/01/2022 08:57

The over sharing would really put me off to be honest

NearlyAHoarder · 05/01/2022 08:57

That'd turn me off yes.
I'm long term single really but if I do bother with a relationship I don't want to feel confused or insecure in it.

I would want his focus to be on me.

I do have a good radar for distinguishing between long held genuine friendships with women, through family or work or college, or women he's collected along the way who he wishes would go out with him. He wishes he were n their league but knows he's not so he's settling for you feeling a bit secretly hard done by.

I did date a man once who had a friend who he would have loved to have dated. He settled for me. It took me a while to see that.

moremoony · 05/01/2022 08:59

Why is he wanting a relationship if he’s that busy/involved with that many women? Doesn’t seem like a good long term bet to me.

moremoony · 05/01/2022 08:59

Why did his previous relationship end?

NearlyAHoarder · 05/01/2022 09:02

Sounds like his conversation is just ''prattle'' like a gang of 15 year old girls. (And not all 15 year old girls talk about other people endlessly)

I would suspect that he's a bit of a vacuum and he feels validated by their friendships. That is really worrying. You do not want that in a ''boyfriend''.

Also, talking about the exes of women you haven't met (I gather) Confused is he doing that to assert himself as ''better''. Is he showing you a standard that he considers 'normal' and positioning himself as above that so you'll be grateful??

or has he got a bit of a white knight syndrome? He thinks he rescued them from their awful boyfriends/lives/mindsets

Original poster
SixDinners · 05/01/2022 09:04

Yeah he does have" inner life", very in touch with emotions, journaling and stuff. Not demonstrative with affection though...but then neither am I so not sure if that's my fault...

OP posts:
Original poster
SixDinners · 05/01/2022 09:08

I think he and ExW just grew apart after a long time.

OP posts:
Letitsnoooow · 05/01/2022 09:09

How old is he?

roarfeckingroarr · 05/01/2022 09:10

I had an ex like this. I felt he needed them to validate his ego and it became very boring very quickly. He lacked boundaries and I grew sick of him discussing our relationship, and of him constantly being in his phone to one girl or another. It felt needy and juvenile. I ended it.

TheCatShatInTheHat · 05/01/2022 09:11

Female friend who where there before me, I have no problem with.

ElectraBlue · 05/01/2022 09:37

I believe strongly that men and women can be friends and I have close male friends myself.

But I would query someone who has only female friends and who are so close to all of them/see them every day.

It is odd for a guy to have no male friends at all.

He might get an ego boost out of having so many women around him or there is something he is not telling you: the two guys I have know who similarly had a lot of close female friends were bisexual, polyamorous types and had slept/were sleeping with quite a few of their 'friends'...

If it makes you uncomfortable then it might be the right relationship for you.

todaysdilemma · 05/01/2022 09:40

@SixDinners

He does have hobbies...which he does with one or another female friends!!!! So..he'll go running with Amy ( yeah, not real names ..), swimming with Laura, painting with Jessy etc etc. It's almost like he has something to prove isn't it? He showed me something on his phone and there were just pages of chats with different women..nothing untoward at all just friends back and forth about their lives. I did see he had sent me a picture of him at a party, and the same pic was sent to all them too!!! I'm sure when he texts me , they all get the same !! Guess I'd just like to feel a bit more special...Confused. He does tell them he's dating me..
Oh wow, it sounds odder and odder the more you describe it. Does seem like he's out to prove something - to himself or to you, who knows.

But i agree that you should feel special, and not like everything you share with him is then shared with his harem, and that everything he shares with you is also shared with them.

I wonder if the divorce dented his ego or something (who initiated the divorce?), and this is a way for him to get the validation he needs. But I'm just speculating here.

Original poster
SixDinners · 05/01/2022 10:06

He's older than me..in his 40s and as far as I know his ex wanted the divorce, although they get on well now ( maybe she's just number 423 female friend nowGrin).

OP posts:
mewkins · 05/01/2022 10:29

I had an ex like this. He didn't really get on with men (they found him a bit over enthusiastic) but had female friends to gossip with and generally make him feel better about himself. He turned out to be a nob.

RubiesandRose · 05/01/2022 11:57

Hmmm, also had an ex like this, a lot of people when they met him assumed he was gay, he was very feminine and collected female friends, often being a knight in shining armour.

I started to realise after a while that as pp have said, he used them to validate himself and almost tried to create jealousy and competition.

After we split up, we carried on chatting and met for the odd coffee, no plans on my part to restart the relationship but I began to feel like he was keeping me on the back burner and when he began dating again, suggested I went to stay with them for the weekend. He absolutely couldn't see this was really odd and inappropriate and I knew how she would be feeling about it, if he had announced I was coming to stay!

I withdrew and reduced contact and now it's a once a year happy birthday message but to my knowledge he hasn't changed and I doubt he ever will,

KirstenBlest · 05/01/2022 12:04

Men don't always see it the same way you might as a woman, having been the female friend around males.

This.

5128gap · 05/01/2022 12:06

I wouldn't find this attractive as I wouldn't want a partner who was 'one of the girls' I have female friends for that. I'm also suspicious of men who want to involve themselves too heavily in women's issues like menopause. It feels like overstepping and pushing yourself where you don't belong. Unreasonable perhaps, but I wouldn't want a partner like that.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 05/01/2022 12:13

YANBU.
I wouldn't like that.
It's just too many women.

I'd be ditching him swiftly. Who cares if he's gay, bi, whatever.
Fuck that shit.

Palmfrond · 05/01/2022 12:33

A man with that many female friends, sounds like he is either gay or playing some kind of silly game.

ANameChangeAgain · 05/01/2022 12:37

I'm with @AnotherSillawithanS ....

Bowwowwowoh · 05/01/2022 12:37

Does his job bring him into contact with lots of women?

It sounds to me like a great opportunity for you to make more female friends. If they get on with him the chances are you'd get on with most of them too!

Original poster
SixDinners · 05/01/2022 13:01

@Bowwowwowoh

Does his job bring him into contact with lots of women?

It sounds to me like a great opportunity for you to make more female friends. If they get on with him the chances are you'd get on with most of them too!

I actually suggested bringing one of them along! He gave me this lookHmm and said " err...no!"
OP posts:
Bowwowwowoh · 05/01/2022 13:04

Oh well if he is reluctant for you to meet his friends then I would bin him.

Coronawireless · 05/01/2022 13:07

@Bowwowwowoh

Does his job bring him into contact with lots of women?

It sounds to me like a great opportunity for you to make more female friends. If they get on with him the chances are you'd get on with most of them too!

Yes - is he a nurse or a physio?
Original poster
SixDinners · 05/01/2022 13:39

It's not really his job although he has amassed some from there. It's people he has met through events like weddings, friends of friends, people he used to know who he is now back in touch with, meet up type groups etc.
He went out to one of them's house last week, took one of his kids. Said they had a fantastic time. Her husband was there too( but it's her who is the friend..naturally) Then next night went to a pub with another. Then yesterday a different one drove over to see him so they could spend morning walking!!

OP posts:
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