I have no feelings towards my family apart from my children. What is wrong with me?

[Frazzledfiona]

Sorry if posting in wrong place. Ive been doing some thinking over the past few days and I've realised that I feel nothing for my parents /extended family . Why would that be? I find this quite strange and upsetting.
I have 2 kids and a husband who I love and adore tremendously. I am nearly 40 years old. I have a nice life generally. No worries or stresses at all.
Over Xmas I've been seeing lovely videos on social media of people celebrating with their family and I felt so detached from it.

I am an only child, my parents are mid 70s. I see them twice a week and we are very close. They are brilliant grandparents to my children. But I don't really feel anything for them? They have been good parents to me. But I don't feel like I have a connection with them? Why is this?
When I'm having a conversation with them I just want it to end and for me to leave. I have no interest in what they are saying. (this sounds awful I know). I feel like I don't want to tell them things.
I have one remaining living grandparent, she is 94. I haven't seen her for a while. Again I don't feel anything for her but I don't know why?
Please understand that I don't want to feel this way and I would never show my true feelings. I would do anything for them and I hope I am a good, loving daughter. But inside I feel nothing? A few of my friends have very sadly started to lose their parents and have obviously been devastated. I've sat and thought about this and again I don't really feel anything about them not being here at some point in the future.
Opposite to this I have extremely strong feelings of love for my husband and children. I can't even bare to think of anything happening to them. Its as if my mind can only love these 3 people and no one else. Can anyone relate?

Yes, I feel like this too. I honestly don’t think I would mind if I never saw my parents again, but then I try to imagine how I would feel if my children thought that. I don’t particularly like my parents though.

Yes I feel like this too, but both mine have been pretty rubbish parents so I thought that was why. I just keep in touch as I feel guilty not to.

Have you always felt like this or is it recent?

Could this be depression? I found I didn't have any interest in anyone when I was depressed. Now I've recovered the feelings have come back.

The only thing I can think of is that although I'm nearly 40 they treat me like a child still. So it makes me feel like I did when I was a stroppy teenager!! I don't need the judgement and interfering and comments on my life. They are also very invested in my husbands life because they've known him over 20 years. I just want space from them.
They are very negative people, their house is always quiet, never been fun or anything. Visits are formal.
I look ahead and see the next 10/20 years looming and can't bare the thought of it as they get elderly. Then I feel huge huge guilt. And pressure because I'm an only child

I feel very similar. I love my partner and friends very much, and my little nephew too. The rest of my family - no. I didn't see any of them for two years due to Covid and I didn't miss them in the slightest. In my case, I know it's because I get so little from them emotionally - they have little to no interest in my life or my feelings or experiences. I have done a lot of grieving about this over the years, and it's meant that I've distanced myself from them, probably as self protection. So you're not alone!

I feel the same with my parents and 2 brothers - but they are crap parents and my brothers barely speak to me, although we were close growing up.

My parents and I have nothing in common and if we weren't related, we wouldn't be friends either. I have tried to imagine how I would feel if they died and I think I would grieve the relationship that we could have had but I would just feel relief that I don't have to see them again.

I felt like this - but I had issues with my childhood , if that truly isn’t the case for you I’m very sorry as it’s a tough way to feel

I recently counted up the number of people I honestly & truly loved (without counting guilt love: eg I must love df because he's my df. I don't)
It was a small number but those people truly do mean the world to me.
The others I could take or leave tbh.

NC for this but yes I feel the same. A while ago I was thinking about my lack of emotions so I came up with three segments of ‘if this person dies how will I feel’

1 - will be completely devastated,
2 - will have some feelings and be very sad but I know I’ll move on quite quickly. I can see them not being in my lives.
3 - I don’t know if I’ll be sad at all

1 is my DH (we don’t have kids)
2 My mum
3 Every one else and this includes my siblings

I am aware this makes me very cold & unfeeling. I do think there is something wrong with me but I don’t actually care. On the surface I am a nice person, in a job that helps people & I do a lot of volunteering. People can depend on me to help if needed. Actually I go above and beyond and am a people pleaser but I’m aware I’m doing it. But I just feel so unemotional inside about them....except for my husband.

I’m prepared to get flamed but just wanted you to know you’re not alone @Frazzledfiona

Another one who feels the same. Even before I was LC due to shitty behaviour DH couldn’t believe my reaction when they had serious health issues. I just sort of went “oh dear” and carried on with my day.

I also revert to the stroppy incapable teenager in their company.

It’s odd. I’d like to feel more. But it’s just not there.

Frazzledfiona

re your comment:-
"The only thing I can think of is that although I'm nearly 40 they treat me like a child still"

That is precisely why you feel as you do towards them i.e. no real feelings of warmth or really anything at all for them. Your feelings are perfectly valid and should not be dismissed out of hand or otherwise minimised.

They have not treated you at all well or even kindly; they think you are incapable on some level and always need their "help". They don't see you as an adult in your own right who has agency and can make choices. You are also under no obligation really, other than any you place on yourself, to act as their carer as they go into their elderly years.

I would read and consider posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. It may be an idea for you to read "If you had controlling parents" by Dr Dan Neuharth. Look at the website also entitled "out of the FOG".

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Nannette - were you aware that people pleasing behaviours can actually start as parent pleasing behaviours?. That along with low self esteem and self worth feeds into people actually becoming people pleasers themselves. I do hope you say no sometimes to others, its okay to say no to people.

I love my family but don't like them. They're just there. But I love and like my husband and daughter and would always rather spend time with them than anyone else. I think it's normal to become more detached from extended family as your own family grows. I'm pregnant now and have no desperate need to let all my family know.

Same here. I have never had any love for my parents or the rest of my relative. But the reason for this was that they were neglectful and abusive when I was a child and teenager. Also the type of people with homophobic. sexist and racist view that I do cannot agree with...

The rest of my relatives lived in different places/countries so I barely had any contact with them, maybe once a year. But none of them ever lifted a finger or trying to question the fact that there was some very obvious signs of neglect and that I was a miserable child...

I have had very low contact with my parents throughout my adulthood then went full no contact. The turning point for me was to admit to myself that I did not love any of them.

We are conditioned/told by society that we should care about relatives and tolerate from them behaviour we would not tolerate from friends, colleagues or partners. To be related to someone does not automatically mean you will love them , have anything in common with them and want to be around them.

My relatives to me are not actually family. They are just people I happen to be related to. My friends and partner are my chosen family and the ones who taught me how to love, laugh and be myself and respected my boundaries. Something my parents never did.

I did not go to my father''s funeral and I ignored attempt from relatives to contact me when my mother had some health issues. I simply do not care.

I think it is case of why should I care for people who hurt me?

Marking place so I can read and post later.

I'm glad I'm not alone. I feel sad about it and wish I felt differently and wish that I had a large loving family.
I've always lived very close to my family, and also My husbands family although we hardly see them either.
My mum is very dependant on me, she doesn't have a life of her own. She lives it through me and the grandchildren.
For the first time in my life I want to move away. My husband has had opportunities for us to move to different parts of the country or even america for his job and I've always said no because we need to keep that family link. But then when I think about it properly I don't really have any reason to stay living here apart from loyalty whilst my own life is passing me by

@EvilPea

Another one who feels the same. Even before I was LC due to shitty behaviour DH couldn’t believe my reaction when they had serious health issues. I just sort of went “oh dear” and carried on with my day.

I also revert to the stroppy incapable teenager in their company.

It’s odd. I’d like to feel more. But it’s just not there.

I can definitely relate to this. My parents aren’t abusive or anything, they’re perfectly nice people - I just don’t know that there’s much of an emotional connection between us.

I was separated from them for several weeks or months as a baby due to being hospitalised, am pretty sure thats fucked it tbh. The attachment just isn’t really there (for me). I didn’t even tell them my husband and I were splitting for a few months as we just don’t speak that much.

I feel so guilty about it as would hate my kids to feel that way about me! We have a very different feeling relationship though

@AttilaTheMeerkat I do say no if I think I’m being taken advantage of or being used. My mum was a single parent & quite strict, she had to be more of a ‘father’ than mother if you see what I mean. She was always pushing us to do better as she didn’t want us to have the life she did (those were her words) So yes I understand what you mean about it starting as parent pleasing. It was difficult pleasing her as nothing was good enough. From us she expected better school grades, better at sports, better jobs etc.

'I am aware this makes me very cold & unfeeling'

I don't think it does at all. You have people in your life who you love very much and feel very strongly about. That doesn't include your mum, for very understandable reasons. Family members dont deserve our love and devotion just because they are family

@JudyGemstone

Oh my. For complicated reasons I also spent the first few weeks / months not with my mum or immediate family. I was with my grandmother who I adored.
I’d not linked the two.

All very sad to read. I am aware that my 27 year old daughter finds me irritating and doesn’t really want to spend much time with me. Tbh I found my own Mother irritating too.

I have belatedly realised that since children learn from their parents actions, I am now getting my just desserts. Treat your own parents well if only to give your own children an example of how to behave.

Thanks for sharing this OP. I have a lot of similar feelings but find them so hard to articulate. What you have written sums up a lot of what I feel. I love my parents but sadly we don’t have a genuine close relationship. They are very religious and I have left their faith. They behave like they love me but actually I know they hate me for leaving the faith. I still see them regularly and they are great grandparents to my children. I try my best to appreciate and know them for who they are, not what I wish they were. However when you know someone fundamentally disproves of you it’s hard to achieve genuine intimacy. They also have no genuine interest in my life.

When they die I know I will be sad but also relieved that I don’t have this disapproving presence in my life.

I can relate. I’m fond of my sibling, as they are if me, but we’re very different and can very quickly run each other up the wrong way. My DM is self-absorbed / narc.

My DF died a few years ago - I’d say him, plus DH and our 2 DC are the ones I genuinely really truly and deeply love.

I have step-parents I’m very fond of, but I think I still (after having them as part of my life fit over 30 years) harbor some resentment for having to let them in to my life.

Covid has meant it’s been difficult to see family for us (we live abroad) and tbh I’ve been ok with that. We catch up by WhatsApp message and video calls. I don’t miss them.

I feel a bit empty inside about it all tbh. It’s not that I don’t like them (well DM is a different story) but I just don’t feel much.

And it’s the same with friends too. I have a close group back home and here. I enjoy their company when I see them, but I can go weeks or even months without seeing some of them. And kind of think it would be ok if the friendships fizzled out. I’d probably think it was a bit of a shake but not enough to really do anything about it.

In fact there are lots of relationships I could give more to, but don’t. At the end of the day, everyone is out for themselves to a certain degree, so having always been fiercely independent, I simply cannot imagine needing people in my life - other than DH and the kids.

@jeanne16

All very sad to read. I am aware that my 27 year old daughter finds me irritating and doesn’t really want to spend much time with me. Tbh I found my own Mother irritating too.

I have belatedly realised that since children learn from their parents actions, I am now getting my just desserts. Treat your own parents well if only to give your own children an example of how to behave.

This doesn't necessarily follow though. My mother had a really good relationship with her own mother, they spoke on the phone most days, & lived near each other for part of their adult lives so they would regularly go out for the day when they could. When they lived further apart, my mother would regularly travel the several hours to see her mother, sometimes just for a day. In contrast I've had MH issues since my early teens, my mother's response was to tell me to "snap out of it". She was always cold to me, hasn't bothered with DD but prefers my sibling's DCs instead. I don't really know why. My mother freely admits that when I was very young, before & after my sister was born, she suffered from depression & spent a lot of time deliberately away from us as she couldn't cope. Our father has been an alcoholic since we were in primary school.

I've realised quite recently that I've done what my mother did - chose a man who was lovely on the surface, but poorly motivated but weak & ineffectual. I think the only person I'd truly mourn would be DD, the thought of losing her is just more than I can bear.

Probably I need counselling but realistically six sessions on the NHS isn't going to cut it. No-one knows how I feel. I've become good at masking my feelings.

This may sound like a really odd question but how do you work out how you feel about your family? I know I love my mum although not to the same extent other people seem to love theirs. I don't know if I can say the same about my dad and sister, though.

I grew up in an abusive family but my parents are nice now. My sister is very manipulative amd dishonest but fun to be around. I do know that I won't give up my own life to care for my parents as they age as friends have done.