I have no feelings towards my family apart from my children. What is wrong with me?

[Frazzledfiona]

Sorry if posting in wrong place. Ive been doing some thinking over the past few days and I've realised that I feel nothing for my parents /extended family . Why would that be? I find this quite strange and upsetting.
I have 2 kids and a husband who I love and adore tremendously. I am nearly 40 years old. I have a nice life generally. No worries or stresses at all.
Over Xmas I've been seeing lovely videos on social media of people celebrating with their family and I felt so detached from it.

I am an only child, my parents are mid 70s. I see them twice a week and we are very close. They are brilliant grandparents to my children. But I don't really feel anything for them? They have been good parents to me. But I don't feel like I have a connection with them? Why is this?
When I'm having a conversation with them I just want it to end and for me to leave. I have no interest in what they are saying. (this sounds awful I know). I feel like I don't want to tell them things.
I have one remaining living grandparent, she is 94. I haven't seen her for a while. Again I don't feel anything for her but I don't know why?
Please understand that I don't want to feel this way and I would never show my true feelings. I would do anything for them and I hope I am a good, loving daughter. But inside I feel nothing? A few of my friends have very sadly started to lose their parents and have obviously been devastated. I've sat and thought about this and again I don't really feel anything about them not being here at some point in the future.
Opposite to this I have extremely strong feelings of love for my husband and children. I can't even bare to think of anything happening to them. Its as if my mind can only love these 3 people and no one else. Can anyone relate?

I could move away tomorrow and never speak to anyone that doesn’t currently live in my house again and be ok with that. In fact I quite liked lockdowns meaning we didn’t have to see anyone.

I think covid is what highlighted it to be the most. Prior to covid there was an expectation that we would always go to theirs every Saturday for food, and the inlaws every Sunday. It took our whole weekend up. And none of it was pleasant or enjoyable. The lockdowns came and meant that we couldn't see each other. For the first time in my life I felt free!! And I hadn't realised before that how trapped by them I felt. My dad didn't know anything that was going on in our lives anymore. We could do things to the house or make purchases with no comments from him. Unfortunately this is all slowly slipping back as contact has increased again. But now I'm much more aware of it in trying to put boundaries in place where we see my parents and inlaws much less than we did before and I don't tell them everything like I used to.
The other thing was as I previously said my best friends dad passed away 3 years ago. She was devastated and it really affected her mental health for many months afterwards. Now 3 years on she still misses him terribly. I couldn't relate to any of that at all and it made me feel ashamed and guilty. I genuinely feel that when my father passes away I will feel more relief and freedom. I feel like he's my puppetier almost. And those strings will be cut.

Don't get me wrong, we have polite chit chat but it's all pointless. They contact me alot lately with things going wrong with technology etc or they don't know how to do something. They both get very angry and frustrated about it. I resent having to help them with these things. Even though I know this is completely selfish of me and they can't help it.

I can relate to this, I do love my family but we're not close, I rarely call or see my sister. I find being around her incredibly draining, I feel awful that I'm not even attached to my niece. I try to be but to be blunt I find her behaviour highly irritating (she's a lot younger than my 2 and my sister and I have very different ideas re parenting). I only feel strong love and bonds for my children and feel like I would die for them.

My mum spent her "family" time dutifully attending to her and her in laws needs. Dinner every Sunday etc. I have friends who do this, it builds resentment I think. I used to want a very close family but now I'm glad of the distance! Similarly with friends, I try to be kind and helpful and we have fun but no strong attachment there.

@flappydoo

I feel the same, and ashamed to admit it. I love the bones of DH (no DCs), and whilst I don’t have many close friends now, I have in the past, and have felt fiercely about them too, so I know I’m capable of it. But when it comes to DM (DF died a long time ago), I feel kind of emotionless. I speak to her regularly, I’m kind and thoughtful towards her, as she is to me, and on a surface level our relationship is fine, now.

But as a child / teen, she was just, well, not a very good mother. Looking back I strongly suspect some kind of depression and / or other undiagnosed MH issues. She was unpredictable, quick to lose her temper, and full of resentment, I never felt safe, or loved, or special, and I could never work out why she wasn’t like other mothers, and why she didn’t actually seem to like me, or like being a mum. As an adult, I can see rationally that she had a number of traumatic incidents happen to her that no doubt shaped her, but although I can acknowledge that it and allow for it doesn’t ‘fix’ the lack of bond/attachment that should have developed between us at an early age but clearly didn’t.

I feel terrible about it, as now she is genuinely loving and caring (she’s like an entirely different person), getting older and needier, and she wants a lot more from me emotionally than I can give her - I struggle with visits, and with physical affection and declarations of love. It’s much easier for me to maintain a good relationship on the phone, and we live at opposite ends of the country – I’ve not seen her in a few years which I know upsets her a lot, but is better for me.

She won’t discuss the past, and just says things like ‘I made mistakes let’s leave it at that, but you turned out ok didn’t you’. I just don’t think she is capable of reflecting on the past and how that has affected me / our bond on a really fundamental level. It’s sad, but I keep having to remind myself it’s not my fault, and at this stage it cannot be actually fixed. I have considered counselling, but it would cost me a fortune and in the end, it wouldn't really benefit me, as I'm actually quite happy with the way things are, it's DM that isn't. All I can do is be kind and supportive, but with boundaries and in a way that protects my own MH.

I could have wrote your post, it really resonated with me as it sounds like our mothers were very similar. My mum died a number of years ago now, and to be honest the overriding emotion I felt when she went was relief. My dad wasn't nasty towards me like she was but he allowed and enabled it so I I don't have an emotional bond with him either as a result. No doubt I'll feel nothing but relief again when it comes to his death.

Blimey, so many of the posts on this thread resonate with me. They were decent parents whilst I was growing up, but that just adds to the guilt of not feeling much beyond irritation when I'm around them nowadays.

We had to isolate over Christmas and I was glad to have an excuse not to see them. I feel sad (for them, not for me) that I don't feel more, but they're both difficult characters in their own way. And I know if I moved away, I'd be happier to not have to go through the motions of being a dutiful daughter.

Feel awful about it at times. But very reassuring to read this thread and know it's not just me!

This article was a revelation for me. I could relate to every single part. I too look at other ‘oxo’ families with bewilderment wondering why I don’t have that

amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/feb/16/indifferent-towards-mother

I think there's a lot of people like you. My DH has always had what I felt was a really odd relationship with his family.

He doesn't actively dislike them, but it's almost like he has a formal relationship with them, like you might do with an acquaintance. Sees his dm once a week without fail, perches on her sofa (or her on ours) and makes polite conversation for an hour, that's that for the week. His dad died a few years ago so he's always available to help his dm with things, but seems like it's a sense of duty.

When he moved out of the family home and we would pop round to visit, he would ring the bell and we would get invited in, told to take a seat, offered a drink etc, but it was all very polite. You'd never know he'd lived in that house for 20 years!

What a relief to read this. I feel the same. I've just come home from a 4 day visit to my parents. I don't like them or respect them. They are emotionally distant and spout lots of Daily Mail shite. My mother was horribly verbally and occasionally physically abusive to me as a child and is still a nightmare to deal with. She's homophonic and misogynistic too. They have never been there for me in an emotional sense and I have never been able to talk to them about anything other than surface stuff. I grew up with minimal social skills and awful self-esteem and that persists to this day.

I love my own children fiercely and try to raise them the opposite of how I was raised.

This thread has given me lots to think about in terms of my relationship with my own children.

Bluechinavase, that's a really interesting article, thanks for sharing. Very much relate to the feeling of family being the last people you would turn to in a crisis. That's a sad state of affairs, but important to be realistic about your relationship with them, however painful it is

When my DCs were babies I nearly felt the opposite. I adore my mother and the thought of losing her brought out much more panic/upset than the thought of losing my husband and even my DC. As the DC have got older and I "got to know them" better this has shifted somewhat but I still think at this point in my life (DCs still very young) I'd be more devastated to lose my mother! It's incredibly selfish on my behalf but it is what it is. I'd still be devastated to lose my children though obviously! That you feel literally nothing for your parents does seem strange to me but if you didn't have deep affection to begin with and they annoy you as people then I get it. I have a shit father (I'm NC) and if he died I truly don't think I'd care much at all. He was really horrible though.

Oh it’s making me feel a bit more normal to read some of these…. I sometimes think I’m a heartless freak!

I had a great relationship with my Mum until my own children were born… particularly following the death of her own Mum who she relied on hugely for emotional support and general looking after - she had been babied most of her adult life. I was clearly expected to take up that role, but with 2 young kids and a huge geographical distance I just can’t. This has resulted in a sense of perpetual disappointment from her and made me detached. I do love her, but lack any real connection with her or the home I lived in for 20 years.

She’s not an easy person to be around and it’s definitely worsened with age and lockdown. I speak to her daily, organise things for her and visit but it feels like going through the motions sometimes and is very stressful. She wants to spend time with us in order to say to friends she is doing so, but then seems irritated by my young children and resents the attention they need.

I feel so torn sometimes…

Oh I feel the same. I live 3000 miles away from my parents and don't miss them at all. My mother just...isn't very nice? She never got to know me and doesn't approve of my (very normal) life. I like my dad, but he's chosen my mum over me - always does her bidding and placates her, no matter now nasty or difficult she is. She also manages to be a cow to DS (2.5) over Skype .

I've made a really nice life for myself and she seems really resentful about it. As if she thinks it's nicer than I deserve?

you deffo will miss them when they are gone dont think you wont.

[quote bluechinavase]This article was a revelation for me. I could relate to every single part. I too look at other ‘oxo’ families with bewilderment wondering why I don’t have that

amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/feb/16/indifferent-towards-mother[/quote]
Oh my GOD this is me. Absolutely. Except my dad is still alive.

I relate OP. My parents were both abusive, mostly mum. I cut contact nearly 10 years ago with my mum cos I reached breaking point and my mental health was so damaged. Dad initially tried to get me to back down, even though I wasn’t in the wrong and mum had behaved really nastily, because he was ‘getting it in the neck’ from mum. He only wanted me to give in to save his own skin with no concern for my own feelings. As soon as he realis3d my mind was made up he stopped all contact with me. 5 years later after he had got a divorce following my mum’s terrible abuse, he got back in contact. He has expressed some remorse but there is no love there now, at least not on my part. I used to adore my dad and then when I saw how happy he was to sacrifice me for his own benefit it was like a blindfold had lifted from my eyes and I saw all the other times he failed to protect us. Contact now is amicable and friendly enough but I don’t think I would feel much if he died.
I’m very close to my sister but my brother and I have grown apart as we got older. I still love him but don’t feel like I know him really anymore which makes me sad.
Other than my sister, the only death that would hit me hard would be my DH. I used to be very close to one of my uncles and my nana and was heartbroken when they died. But other than that most of my family are pretty dysfunctional and we didn’t see them very much growing up. The only one we saw regularly was my grandma who never showed any interest in us as kids or since.

'you deffo will miss them when they are gone dont think you wont.'

What is the point of that comment? To try to be helpful? Deliberately hurtful? Is this thread pushing painful buttons for you?

Oh and I remember realising exactly how distant and weird our parents are at my wedding when every single person (small do) came to hug me goodbye, siblings, in-laws, friends…. The only people not to hug me we’re my parents! My dad stood about 2 metres away, awkwardly shuffling his feet and mumbled something about ‘better be off, then’.

I relate to the formal relationship people have mentioned. I don’t feel at ease the way I do with my partner. I’d never go to one of my parents about anything serious. They’re caring in some respects and want the best for me but they’re so hard to be around. They have some terrible/bizarre views. I mean they don’t think democracy is a good thing for starters and think dictators are best. They also talk over me and we just can’t have a normal conversation as they don’t listen. It’s one thing for two people to start talking at the same time and the more dominant one presses on talking but in this case I’ll be halfway through a sentence and they’ll just start speaking. It’s especially awkward in groups as it make things so difficult to handle.

@Sportslady44

you deffo will miss them when they are gone dont think you wont.

What utter rubbish. My mum is dead, I don't miss her at all.

It’s funny you’ve posted about this OP because I’ve pondered the same thing recently and wondered if it was a depression thing. But I don’t think it is, I get on with my sister and would miss her.

I don’t actually like the wider family or enjoy spending time with them. I find them very negative and draining and only visit when absolutely necessary. Im not even grateful for anything they do because it always comes with massive obligations to tow the line and keep quiet. Maintaining boundaries with them is exhausting. Sympathy!

It has taken me many, many years to come to the realisation that I don't like my mother very much. It makes me feel like I've failed in some way and I find it quite painful.

Frazzledfiona
I have read your post with interest and relate to many things that you have mentioned.

Like you I am an only child, I feel anger when my parents ask me to help out with things and I often do them out of obligation rather than love.

I also, along with my husband, have turned down job opportunities, the USA included.

I wonder why now, when they seem largely disinterested in me or my family, not quite the situation you describe.

I don't have any answers, but know I have not reconciled these feelings in my own head.

Perhaps, for you, it would help to talk this through?

You haven’t failed @bluelemming don’t worry because I have felt the same. However to have that dreamy close relationship with my mum I would have to be someone I’m not. I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to do that. I wish I had a close relationship with my mum instead of a polite practical one but it would harm my mental health. It’s not a failure it’s looking after yourself. I am working hard on making sure it’s not repeated with my own children and am committed to loving them for who they are.

Thank you @Gildededge. I'm working on it too. Slowly getting there with the help of a counsellor.

I feel the same and I'm also an only child which I think does play into it a wee bit. I have to say that I loved lockdown, it removed so much pressure and expectation from me and like you said gave me a feeling of freedom for the first time in my life.
It's not a great way to feel because it's not how we "should feel" but we do.
I discovered a few years ago that a lot of my childhood was psychologically and emotionally abusive, I genuinely had no clue because I was an only child in an extremely well controlled, impenetrable triangle Witt my parents. I still haven't worked my way through it yet, but I do know that I'm not quite the anti christ I always thought I was!! Hang in there.