I have no feelings towards my family apart from my children. What is wrong with me?

[Frazzledfiona]

Sorry if posting in wrong place. Ive been doing some thinking over the past few days and I've realised that I feel nothing for my parents /extended family . Why would that be? I find this quite strange and upsetting.
I have 2 kids and a husband who I love and adore tremendously. I am nearly 40 years old. I have a nice life generally. No worries or stresses at all.
Over Xmas I've been seeing lovely videos on social media of people celebrating with their family and I felt so detached from it.

I am an only child, my parents are mid 70s. I see them twice a week and we are very close. They are brilliant grandparents to my children. But I don't really feel anything for them? They have been good parents to me. But I don't feel like I have a connection with them? Why is this?
When I'm having a conversation with them I just want it to end and for me to leave. I have no interest in what they are saying. (this sounds awful I know). I feel like I don't want to tell them things.
I have one remaining living grandparent, she is 94. I haven't seen her for a while. Again I don't feel anything for her but I don't know why?
Please understand that I don't want to feel this way and I would never show my true feelings. I would do anything for them and I hope I am a good, loving daughter. But inside I feel nothing? A few of my friends have very sadly started to lose their parents and have obviously been devastated. I've sat and thought about this and again I don't really feel anything about them not being here at some point in the future.
Opposite to this I have extremely strong feelings of love for my husband and children. I can't even bare to think of anything happening to them. Its as if my mind can only love these 3 people and no one else. Can anyone relate?

It's sad that there are so many of us! 😢But it's obviously not our fault if we can feel such love for others. 💞

'They also talk over me and we just can’t have a normal conversation as they don’t listen. It’s one thing for two people to start talking at the same time and the more dominant one presses on talking but in this case I’ll be halfway through a sentence and they’ll just start speaking'

My parents are exactly the same. DP and I had 5 days of it over Christmas. It felt like being suffocated. It's so absolutely bizarre. If it was someone else you would laugh it off or just avoid them like the plague but being treated like you don't exist by your own parents is unbearably painful

@Sportslady44 you are projecting with that statement and it’s really not helpful, just adds to the guilt we already have. You have to realise that many people do not have this idyllic relationship with their parents that is continually forced down our throats as normal and makes us feel bad for not having it. If we are missing anything it’s the relationship we dream of having with our parents that doesn’t exist, and never has.

Sad though this may sound for you, I won’t miss my Mum when she passes. She shows no interest in me or what I do other than as a sounding board for what little goes on in her own life. I may sound heartless but as I’ve gone through milestones with my own kids I realised that she didn’t put in the same effort and provide the same support as I did for them. However I pity her now rather than hold it against her because it’s not her fault. She comes from a long line of patriarchal servitude and it makes her uncomfortable to know that there are other ways to exist.

@Frazzledfiona.

You say that you feel bad that you don't love your parents more, but is it that you don't love your existing parents, or that you wish you had parents that were loveable?

My Dad is an arse. He was a shithead to my Mum, he's utterly self absorbed and I honestly wouldn't be bothered if I never saw him again.

I'm nice to him ( as long as he's not being a dick), I'll go out for a pint with him every so often, but I don't particularly want more of a relationship with him. When he dies, my reaction will probably be the "Oh dear.... Anyway" Jeremy Clarkson meme.

My Mum on the other hand was caring, supportive, actually enjoyable to have a conversation. Yes she pissed me off sometimes, and we had some rows, but I felt bad when I upset her, and she was always the person I'd first go to for advice.

To the outsider, I probably wasn't seen to grieve that much when she died, but I was angry for a while (because I am a man and therefore have the emotional intelligence of a 3 week old chimp). 2 years on I still find myself missing her intensely at times.

There's probably a fair few people in your life who your entire relationship with could be summed up as "Meh!" (Work colleagues are a good bet here, you spend 8 hours a day with them but you don't really care).

People act like you're not allowed to be "Meh" about family, but why not? You don't love them because they've not been particularly good people, but you haven't fallen out with them, so they're somewhere in the middle. If they weren't family, you'd have dropped them long ago.

@Sportslady44 they don't add anything to my life so what would I miss? Our relationship currently is I knock on the door, go in, drink a cup of tea, listen to my dad spout his political views that I don't agree with, or how he will still go out if he gets covid, or how he hates gay people or his racist comments. While my mum sits there like a little mouse scared to say anything.i can't spend any time with her because she's with him all the time. So why would I miss any of that??. They are also incredibly selfish and live their lives through a daily routine. Nothing can disrupt this routine of tesco Monday, aldi Tuesday etc, including me being taken ill and ending up in hospital, my kids being very poorly, me breaking my arm, as a few examples

@fdgdfgdfgdfg great post.

@fdgdfgdfgdfg your post is spot on!

OP, get some therapy. Talk it through. It might not change anything, but you'll feel better.

Really interesting thread. I have gone through similar thoughts about my mother. We are not formal with each other, so it's not that, but there is a lack of emotional connection for me. Had I thought about this when younger, I would have said we have a great and close relationship but after having my own children, I view some of the things she has said to me and the ways she has behaved as very hurtful. I see this now as I cannot imagine doing the same to my children.

There is also just a torrent of negativity and judgment about others that is completely draining to be around.

I was introduced to this book recently and it really resonated. Do you or did you feel emotionally lonely around your parents? This may also have affected your own behaviours in other relationships and also caused you to tolerate poor treatment the advice from the book can be summed up as detach as much as possible, which I see a lot of previous posters have done. It's what I have done too but I still feel loss for the relationship I thought we had until I opened my eyes to what was actually going on.

www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Not me, but my mum feels like this. Apart from me, she has admitted to me just not really loving her niece/nephew/siblings (she doesn't dislike them and when around them, chats to them and asks about them etc). But she just doesn't have any desire to build relationships, doesn't care about / love them like she does me.
She experienced a pretty awful trauma when she was 11 though and says that she's been a bit numb since then. Not sure if that still has to do with it or not

I don't love my mum either. She was hard and fairly cold towards me and my brother when we were children. My younger sister got a bit more attention but I doubt anyone would ever have said she was a warm and loving mother. She was dutiful, however, and we always had clean clothes and food but unfortunately she made you fully aware of how hard everything was for her. They didn't have much money so I'm sure it was a struggle financially but being blamed for how hard her life was, was unfair in the extreme. In actual fact she didn't have a particularly difficult life, she was a sahm until my younger sister went to school and thereafter only worked part time until we were all at secondary school. My DF was also actually a very hands on dad for the 1970's/1980's and did lots of childcare, cooking etc getting us up and ready for school and doing bedtimes when he got home from work.

I now know that she is fairly narcissistic and can see looking back that we all tiptoed around her as children as she was verbally abusive and also sometimes physically being prone to hit out when angry so slapped legs or being hit with the hairbrush when she was frustrated because you complained if she was being rough doing your hair were fairly normal.

I can also see, with hindsight, that I married my exH who is also a narcissist because I was so used to putting other peoples feelings first and thought it was usual for my feelings to be discounted as completely unimportant.

I did love both my DGM (mums mum) and my Nana (dad's mum) and my DF but all are now gone. I also love my two DD's and have consciously tried to make sure they know I love them and have tried to give them the security of unconditional love that I didn't feel from my mum growing up. I hope I've succeeded despite the damage done by their Father.

After reading this thread and talking about it to my DH I realise that it doesn't make me a bad person to feel indifferent towards my family. I just have no emotional connection to them - and I don't think that's entirely my fault.

My parents were 'ok' parents, but mediocre really. They never really did anything with me, barely took an interest in my schooling, my dad could be occasionally aggressive and violent, they never really cared what was going on in my life (for instance, as a teenager I did a lot of dancing competitions - they never came once to see me, if that was my daughter, I wouldn't miss it for the world). They've never been of any emotional support to me as a child or as an adult and therefore I just don't feel any connection to them at all. Nice enough people but other people have made more of an impact on my life.

When they die, I think I'll be a little sad but I've always thought I'll never have that outpouring of grief that I've seen friends have, who talk about them constantly, remember every birthday etc and I know that I won't miss them because they don't really add anything to my life. There are other people that I have known only for a year or two that I would be devastated to lose so I know that it's not a lack of ability to love.

@Frazzledfiona At first I thought you sounded very harsh but after reading more, why would you feel any love for them when they don't sound particularly nice people.

I think that just about everyone is pre-programmed to love their mums / dads.

When they don't it's almost always because that love shown by the small and growing child has fallen on stony ground. No wonder it withers into indifference.

None of the people posting on this thread sound incapable of love. It's just that they've ended up loving people who actually reciprocate it.

I love my children to bits, I gave up a live life to protect them. Let them have more freedom then I ever did. Worked odd hours so I was always there for them . Never refused to collect them ever if it was 2 in the morning at a party and they were a little tipsy and wanted to come home.
My children Hate me. However to everyone else they are amazing, very loving to their own family.
I cry at night over this. So now instead of making an effort I am letting them chase me. I sent Cards for Christmas and got none back. They are talking to other family and trying to find out what I am doing, but won't call me. I just think ....have at it kids.

I think as you get older you become more self aware of relationships, emotions and who you want to spend time with and less tolerant to those you don't. It is the common saying 'you can chose your friends but not your family'

@Frazzledfiona
I totally get you - my father sounds so similar - makes derogatory comments about peoples sizes, racist anti gays - who has died or is dying the conversation is awful. He gets aggressive if I am not happy and smiling. When I leave I feel drained and down beat.
Feel the same about my sister who is a narcasist - she makes sly nasty comments and is so patronising - I honestly would not miss seeing her ever again as like you say they bring nothing positive into your life

Lots of us!
I'm mid forties, with DH and a 16&14 year old. I am fiercely protective towards them. My parents, I feel neutral, almost logical towards. Respect that the past was a different time, the effort they went to etc but actually the connection is getting thinner and thinner.
As my children get older my memories of being a child/teen become more reliable. So my early childhood parenting model is basically through anecdote and photos but as I have to cope with teens I can really remember what my parents said to me. It's really informed my teen parenting, I'm very different and really concentrate on the moment, building on their actual age and the future rather than a 1950s cliche child/parent auto respect model. It was interesting at Xmas seeing my dad snap unnecessarily at my 16year old. They actually don't feel the need to like me just to have some society tick box thing.

I can relate. I had a lot of counselling/ therapy a couple of years ago and think I understand myself and my feelings (or lack of) now.

Mine stems from the barriers I put up to protect myself. I have developed an avoidant personality disorder, I do everything possible to keep people at an emotionally distant arms length. I can't even go to the same hairdresser twice - I just can't build or maintain relationships with anyone. I want to run away and hide. If you know the lyrics of the Simon & Garfield song "I am a Rock" that pretty much sums me up!

My DB became terminally ill when I was a small baby and died when I was a toddler. I spent a lot of time apart from my parents as they were in hospital with him and then obviously the emotional trauma of his death impacted on my childhood massively. I then had a very traumatic experience that resulted in the death of a very close loved one whilst I was pregnant. This was the point the barriers slammed down forever.

Truth be told I do regret having DC because I have no barrier where they are concerned. I love them so much , I simply because I had no idea how much I would love them and I now I live every day in terror of losing them.

@cabrillolighthouse ❤

@cabrillolighthouse I can get that. I find the responsibility of children unbelievable burdensome and I get anxious wondering if I’ve passed any negativity on to them.

@Bollindger that’s tough. I remember something being told to me that the water can only flow one way. It’s the natural way of things that the parents give towards the children. I feel guilty for not going to see my mum today but I’m not in a great place myself at the moment and don’t have the bandwidth for her.

I’ve been having a tough time with relationships recently. COVID is compounding that making it more difficult to connect to people when that would be the right course of action. My DH isn’t very emotional and I’ve come to realise that I need that emotional feedback like a drug and wonder if it Stems from my childhood where I got the basics from my mum but not that ‘you are my world’ thing where I felt rooted and safe. As a child I used to have a recurring nightmare where my parents went to a dinner dance and got on a train to get there. I would follow them onto the train and they’d sit there like zombies not seeing me. I’d wake up screaming. Then only this morning I thought of that ‘still face’ experiment where the baby gets anxious and upset because they are getting no interaction from their parent. That’s exactly how I feel with my DH and I can’t compensate by going to friends or family or having normal interactions because of bloody covid restrictions and masks.

Even now I say something to my mother and she either doesn’t hear me or doesn’t process what I’ve said so I feel invisible. My DH does the same so it’s the same pattern repeating itself. I’m wearied by it

'Even now I say something to my mother and she either doesn’t hear me or doesn’t process what I’ve said so I feel invisible'

I have exactly the same with both my parents. It's soul destroying. I really think it does me harm. Like you, I have nightmares about it - in mine, I'm absolutely screaming at my parents at the top of my lungs but my voice only comes as a whisper.

I'm so sorry that your DH treats you the same way. It's so horrible to be treated like this by the people closest to you

@jeanne16

All very sad to read. I am aware that my 27 year old daughter finds me irritating and doesn’t really want to spend much time with me. Tbh I found my own Mother irritating too.

I have belatedly realised that since children learn from their parents actions, I am now getting my just desserts. Treat your own parents well if only to give your own children an example of how to behave.

I disagree. If people treat you like an option tgen leave like a choice. Id never stay in contact with parents just to show my kids Im dutiful. Free choice, if parents are toxic cut them loose or go low contact.

@Lottapianos I can relate to your dream. Big hugs to you

My dad passed away last month. I used to go and visit him every Saturday with my children. The Last few years there wasn't really a connection anymore. I loved him dearly but I was visiting because I felt I needed to and knew he wouldn't have long. He had a blood disorder and was being kept alive by blood transfusions. He just slept a lot, would say the same things over and over and we never had deep conversations anymore. His Last couple of months were in hospital. It was horrible by this time he had dementia and was just confused and upset. When he passed away obviously I was upset because he was my dad but it's a whole different kind of feeling if it had been for eg one of my children.