Alcoholism question

[BTF21]

I am preparing to leave my partner. I cannot take his drinking anymore. My question is, how can his liver function test results be okay when he drinks so much? I would estimate on average 150 units a week. I have heard a few stories like this where they drink everyday but their liver function levels come back normal. This then makes them think their drinking is fine and they carry on. Does this mean they can drink everyday well into their old age with no consequences?

I completely understand the guilt. It's why I stayed with my ex for 9 miserable years. I was sure that if I left him he'd go on a downward spiral and probably end up dead pretty quickly. I didn't know if I could live with that guilt. I decided instead to stay with him and try and help him quit. I tried every approach I could think of to help him but nothing worked (of course). He just wanted to drink. Eventually I summoned the strength to leave - expecting the worst to happen. Well he very quickly got together with a beautiful, much younger woman. They spent 5 years together until she too had enough. He's now been single for 10 years and is 50 years old. Still alive! Fearing they can't live without you is the main reason people stay with alcoholic partners I think. You have to remember you're not responsible fir his life. He is. You've given him your time, you've given him chances. Only he can sort himself out.

Hi. I'm in a relationship with an ex drinker. Met 2 months after he quit. So I never knew him as a drinker. I've heard all about it. He was vomiting and drinking for a month in the end. Hallucinations and everything. Stopped eating. He crumbled and took an overdose. Met me 7 weeks after getting out. He was back working and seemed fine to me.

His liver etc all fully recovered. He has been very very lucky.

The result now he's not drinking. He eats well now. His sleeps rubbish due to back pain. He works on and off. He is able to function within our relationship. He cooks. He's caring. He's kind. He is fully independent. But he has alot of emotional baggage. Our relationship is quite heavy at times. I've had to learn how to support him emotionally and understand not to take certain things personally. Its not easy. He vents about his ex girlfriend alot and I find it hard. I really do.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Its hard to watch someone you love struggle. But you have to put yourself first. He's got to want to fix himself. X

He is prioritising alcohol over you. Get over it or leave him.

Get over it or leave him? It's much more complicated than that. People drink for a variety of reasons and it's not as simple as just switching of love and care for a person and writing them off as a waste of space. Don't get me wrong nobody should be unhappy and affected by someone else's addiction. Its completely understandle why the op had had enough.

Chronic pain. Trauma. Depression. Are just 3 examples of why a person can become addicted to a drug or alcohol. People Spiral and ofcourse its unfair for people to be In relationships with people who are too unwell to support their partners and are causing financial problems along side emotional problems. But not everyone who drinks deserves to be written off. They are still people with families and wants and needs like eveybody else. They still have good parts and kind parts. They still can work and do many other things.

Addition is very complicated and nobody knows what a person's been through. The op is the only person who can judge her partner on here.

There are no guarantees though when it comes to alcoholism. A person cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship, neither approach works. Nor should these people be seen as projects for improvement

I agree with the last two posts. It comes down to what you can handle and for how long. No-one knows your personal circumstances. I always said, when asked why I’m staying, I’ll just know when I can’t do it anymore and for me it was when I realised I may have had the choice to stay and try to help him but our children didn’t have that choice. I eventually had to choose them.

It’s definitely not as easy as “ get over it or leave him” @XJellytotx your post explains it well, thank you.

There are all sorts of reasons why people drink. But if someone puts their relationship with alcohol above all others then no one can change that but them. It’s soul destroying and fruitless to waste your life in a situation that’s making you miserable.

My mom was an alcoholic. Her liver tests all came back ok till one day she woke up itchy, the jaundice quickly followed and she died exactly 7days later.

But everyone's tolerance is different I think. Her sister drank for around 15 years longer before she succumbed

Nothing we says did or threatened changed my mom. I'd concentrate on saving yourself rather than him

Best of luck

@Wolfiefan

I agree. But get over it or leave was the advice for the op from a pp. I have worked with drug addiction in my last job and now I'm in a relationship with a person who battled drink and is now sober and determined never to drink again. He has alot of emotional struggles but he's still a decent human being. He wants love and wants to love. He works. He wants to rebuild his life. He's talked to me about his suffering and struggles. He wasn't walking around choosing alcohol over the people he loved. He was trapped in a world He didn't want to be in. He cried at He drink He had to drink. Then cried because he had no drink after it was gone. His body was addicted. It is a very horrible place for a person to be.

That said!! People have to walk away when they are no longer getting love or happiness from the addict. Or if the addiction is becoming extremely difficult and ruining finances and children's lives and making the sober person suffer. But..... addicts are human beings suffering. Some are nastier than others. I get that. But they are all just people who lost their way. Whilst I don't think people should stay with them. I don't like to see a suffering person be accused of simply choosing to be that way. It's incredibly sad all around..

It’s great the person you’re with us sober.
But many people don’t stop drinking or taking drugs. Their behaviour can have devastating affects on those around them. No matter how much the addict is hurting only they can change their behaviour. Many don’t. No matter how much you love someone you shouldn’t stay with someone whose behaviour is detrimental to your life. Ever.

@Wolfiefan

I absolutely agree. Nobody should stay with a partner who affects their lives negatively or the bad outweighs the good. But all I meant was addiction is far more complex than choosing drink. It doesn't make an addict happy. It's a miserable place to be. They would love to be normal functioning people. But their bodies are screaming for the fix and it's q massive thing to fix when it's at that stage. I feel sorry for the op and her partner. For what it's worth I think she's doing the right thing. She needs to put herself first now it's got too much. But without knowing her partner none of us can say he's just choosing this and he's putting himself and that first. Hopefully he sees he needs to get help but only he can do that..

You’re seeing things from the addicts point of view. Not the person living with them. An alcoholic is choosing to drink. Choosing not to recognise the issue or seek help. I’m sorry but that is true.

Some alcoholics are genetically immune to cirrhosis. They don’t die of drink, but the brain damage carries on growing and growing till they lose the use of their legs - personality is shot, dementia takes over.

Get out and stay out.

I'm seeing it from both sides which is important. The op knows her husband on a personal level and that's why she can't just get over it or leave. Yes she should put herself first. If she's miserable, unhappy, on egg shells, worried about money and lonely and stressed then she deserves so much better for herself! I have never once said she should stay or put up with him. What I'm trying to explain is addicts are all going through a struggle of their own. No two are the same. They can be absolutely loving hard working people. Some can't even get out of bed. It is so so varied. So complicated. But yes absolutely. Op husband needs to get to that point when he thinks I want to stop and change. But if he isn't there yet it's not necessarily because he doesn't love his wife or wants to hurt anyone. He is in a rotten place too. I hope the op puts herself first now as its tiring.

Mine is sober now and has alot of good parts. He just has alot of emotions and he's allover the place. He's still processing alot. Sometimes I'm down because of it. It's a difficult road. But I believe he's worth my love and time. Its interesting hearing things from his point of view too. He helped me understand alot more of what battles they are having whilst drinking.

My dad passed away last year at age 52 from alcoholism.
He had been a drinker my entire life almost, only 2 and half years before he died were his liver function tests becoming worrying and of course by then it was too late.
He had developed oesophageal varicies which burst and resulted in massive internal Bleeding and subsequently multi organ failure leading to his death.
Absolutely the drinking killed him but it wasn’t his liver to pack up first.

The liver is not the only organ to be damaged by alcohol. It affects the entire gastrointestinal tract not to mention the heart, kidneys and the brain! My father was an alcoholic and he died from cancer of the larynx - caused by alcoholism.

Thank you everyone for your messages. Over Christmas I was so determined to leave him. In my mind he was drinking every day for nearly 2 weeks so i felt justified to go. But since Sunday he hasn’t touched a drop. Even though the reasons to leave are all still there it makes it even harder when I see him trying to fight this. Is his only option to quit alcohol completely for the rest of his life for a relationship to work?

My best friends mum died from alcoholism when she was 55. She lost her kids, husband and home and lived in a flat alone. We went to visit her one morning and we had to knock on the door for half an hour for her to wake up. she wouldn't take her sunglasses off and was drinking brandy in her orange juice. She had 7 causes of death on her autopsy and the one that hurt my friend the most was malnourishment. She was diabetic and size 4 jeans would be falling off her. She was a lovely woman though. From leaving the family home (a pub) to her death was 6 years

four or five days of he going without alcohol is nothing in the great scheme of things and you know this deep down. And you do not know for certain that he has not touched alcohol since Sunday.

He is an alcoholic and will remain such for the rest of his life. Let him go before you get caught up in his alcoholism yet again. His primary relationship is still with drink, not you. And it’s never been with you either. Your own recovery from alcoholism will only properly start when you choose to remove yourself from this dysfunctional and codependent relationship with him. In the meantime you will continue to play out the usual roles namely those of codependent partner, enabler and provoker.

Living with an alcoholic is miserable and given my experience with my own father I wouldn't hesitate to leave my DH if he had a problem with alcohol, even if he were trying to stop. It's the back and forth with stopping / starting / trying that's exhausting too. Getting clean, falling off the wagon etc. I would never want a life that was dictated by an addiction. My mothers life was ruined by my father. She suffered so much, we all did. Unless he stops completely and goes to AA (or similar), I'd say get out. There's also a support group called ALANON, which provides support for families affected by alcohol addiction. al-anon.org

Irrespective of blood tests & the state of his liver, it is how YOU are living now that matters.

Only you.

If he is guzzling 150 units p.w. & somehow liver tests are the barometer of his good health, then there is a herd of elephants in the room playing like a brass band.

Do yourself a favour & cancel your spectator seat at this circus.

Without doubt many posters before me on this thread have given you many anecdotes, testimonies & their lived experience, urging you to get out now, cut your losses & build a new healthier life.

Great that you have a plan that will come to fruition in a fortnight.

You doubtless know things will get worse when you leave, he may well deteriorate as the reality of his situation hits him, & you cannot be involved in this.

You may find Al-Anon family support helpful.
Al-Anon family support

You may need support to work through the fear, obligation to set yourself free.

He may worsen, not because you have left him.
None of it is about you, it will be because there is no-one there to prop up the delusion that he is OK.

It will not be about you, no matter what he says & does, it is all about how he runs his own life & alcoholism. Make sure that you are not drawn back in so that he can run away from facing up to himself.

Stopping for a few days means nothing. He has to address his reasons for drinking to such excess and then decide to stop because life without is better. Alcoholics can stop - my late husband did, when he was in day rehab. They tested twice a day so not a lot of scope for sneaking booze.

No idea how long he actually lasted after he came out of his first rehab but I caught him drunk as a lord 2 weeks after, and lying about it.

After his second stint in rehab he lasted a day.

You need to let this relationship go, for your own wellbeing's sake. He is not your problem.

I don't want to advise you OP, but I do want to say how kind and compassionate you must be. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you, your family and this poor man the very best.
I've seen alcoholism in two close family members. One fought it (still fights it) and is a happy and very successful man. The other is destroying his life and that of his wife and children. There are no simple answers I'm afraid.