Alcoholism question

[BTF21]

I am preparing to leave my partner. I cannot take his drinking anymore. My question is, how can his liver function test results be okay when he drinks so much? I would estimate on average 150 units a week. I have heard a few stories like this where they drink everyday but their liver function levels come back normal. This then makes them think their drinking is fine and they carry on. Does this mean they can drink everyday well into their old age with no consequences?

@BTF21

Thank you all. I know I need to leave. Its hard when you love someone though and I know he has tried. He needs to stop altogether though and I don’t think he will do that. I don’t want to be his carer though in 10 years time due to alcohol related illness. I’m only in my 30s. I will read those links a few of you have sent me. Thank you.

You won’t be a long term carer for him once his liver starts to fail. I watched somebody die last year and it took about a month, before then I had no idea of the scale of their alcohol issue.

I personally think he is lying to you about his near normal liver results. I think he is lying when he says he has cut back, alcoholism is progressive, people either stop or they drink more and more.

I've just split up with my partner of 3 years who is an alcoholic (his liver function levels were normal too after 30 years of drinking). He also tried hard to stop but it was a hellish three years and, ultimately, it was me and my self-esteem that was damaged.

Eventually, your partner's liver won't be able to repair the damage the alcohol is doing, but his liver may well cope for a couple more decades.

What's your relationship like when he's drinking? How is it affecting you?

@LightSpeeds I’m sorry to hear that. Did you live together? And how has he taken the break up. I have been with my partner around the same length of time. When he’s drinking his personality doesn’t change too much, there’s no anger or abuse or violence or anything like that. It affects me in subtle ways, such as it sometimes feels like there’s another woman in our relationship but the other woman is alcohol. I know he’s thinking about it and sometimes he’s not present with me. We do normal things, like weekends away, walks, go out for meals, watch films, he works 5 days a week and there is a lot of good which is why i haven’t left yet. But I think of long term and how will it work? Could I buy a house with this person and then would I be stuck? Would I want to marry them? Would I always be living on a knife edge? And then the health implications too, I can’t bear to see him self harm any longer. Also it affects our sex life. We probably average twice a month if that. It feels like he would rather drink most weekends than have sex. But on the flip side I know he loves me and we have a lot of affection otherwise, we cuddle up on the sofa and we do enjoy spending time together. It’s so tough.

No we didn't live together. His behaviour was pretty terrible and it became apparent quite quickly that living together would never be on the cards for us. We were 'splitting up' for the whole of last year; hopefully, it's now done and over because it was painful and soul-destroying for me in so so many ways.

Your relationship sounds MUCH healthier than mine was and, to be honest, I may have stayed (longer) if it had been more like yours.

That said, your fears for the future are valid and, at any point, his drinking could increase to a point where your relationship has little or no quality, he is no longer 'functioning' and his health could start to deteriorate much more rapidly. He is already on 'the alcoholic road' and can now never leave it.

It also doesn't sound like he has much if any commitment to cut down or stop drinking for the sake of your relationship. This for me, would be the deal-breaker, at this point.

Unfortunately, most people who have had anything to do with alcoholics would probably say they wish they'd got out sooner because generally things only tend to get worse over time and it is a condition/illness that will always need a lot of management.

@LightSpeeds do you think your ex will go further downhill now you have split up? My partner was alcohol dependent physically prior to meeting me. As in, he got the shakes etc if he didn’t drink. But he drank at a pace where there was just enough in his system but not enough where his behaviour changed. So when I realised the extent of his drinking we were already living together. He hid it well and I knew he liked a drink but didn’t think he was an alcoholic. Then he detox’d so his body was no longer dependent on it. He went to the doctors and got medication to help him do this. And since then he has reintroduced alcohol but he manages to go to work 9-5 and not drink, tries to have 1 or 2 nights off it during the week but then weekends its constant after midday. fri - Sunday. So although he is much better I’m guessing he still drinks on average 100 to 150 units a week. Everyone has commented how much better he looks etc compared to 3 years ago but i think it’s still such a massive amount he drinks. Maybe he can remain at that level just to get by, keep his job, etc if he were single. But I literally can’t stand it anymore. And if I leave him I think he will go back to square one. We have been living together over 2 years now. He’s not the type to go out a lot, he doesn’t go on many nights out at all and even when he does he comes home before midnight. But there’s so much drinking in the house, the days he doesn’t drink in the house I feel so relieved. I can’t live like that. 💔

[quote BTF21]@SecretDoor I’m not sure what type of test he had.[/quote]
He would have had LFTs I think.
I had that when I was drinking heavily due to life issues. I was very slim and at my worst I was drinking a bottle of vodka a day.
My LFT showed just 90 (it should be up to 45 and alcoholics have it in thousands).

Looking back (I don't drink now apart from NYE/bday glass of wine - not interested in booze), I was bloated, red faced, tired. I also wore nice clothes and expensive make up and my hair was shiny from good products. My drinking stint lasted about a year and I can't imagine what would I look like if it continued.

Once liver dies ease hits then it's nothing can fix it.

Alcohol affects the brain, oesophagus, stomach, pancreas, kidneys, heart, vascular system and gut.

His liver may be 'okay', but everything else is getting hammered too.

I know only of one alcoholic who died in their mid sixties as a direct result of their drinking. The other alcoholics carried on drinking well into their 80s and 90s before dying of other causes though doubtless their organs were weakened by the alcohol. The point is they just had more time in which to inflict lasting damage on their long suffering wives: liver tests were neither here nor there.
Get out now.

@BTF21 - Actually, he recently joined Alcoholics Anonymous and I think, at last, has found 'his people'. He is sorting himself out with AA support and seems to be making big improvements to his life...

@LightSpeeds do you think you will find a way back together if he does sort himself out? Or are you 100% done?

My mum was an alcoholic for 15 years, she stopped 5 years ago and now has a ton of health problems including alcohol triggered ataxia but her liver is fine. Please leave and save yourself.

I dated someone for a short period who turned out to be a functioning alcoholic. He worked full time and had a good social life, lots of friends. Outwardly appeared to be successful.

BTF You’ve asked another poster if they will reunite with their ex if they sort their alcoholism out. My advice would be that once you get away from the situation you’re in, you won’t want to go back to him anyway. It will be a relief to not be around someone who places so much importance on drinking.

I have a lovely partner now and thank god the relationship with the alcoholic was brief.

@GodspeedJune yes I agree it would probably be a relief to actually leave that I wouldn’t want to come back. It’s hard when they are functioning as it’s not bad enough to leave but not good enough to stay.

OP I really feel for you. I lived with an alcoholic for 9 years and my life was so much better once I'd left him. It was incredibly difficult but I couldn't live like that anymore. It was killing me. Regarding the liver function tests. My ex partner's test also came back as normal. Despite that, his doctor told him that given the amount he was drinking he would be dead in 5 years. So you can have normal liver function tests and still be drinking a very dangerous amount.

@SallyWD glad you managed to leave and are happier now. Is your ex still drinking? I think my partner thinks if he is keeping his head above water then he’s okay. But I don’t want to live like that.

[quote BTF21]@SallyWD glad you managed to leave and are happier now. Is your ex still drinking? I think my partner thinks if he is keeping his head above water then he’s okay. But I don’t want to live like that.[/quote]
I am an alcoholic, one that is sober now. I am not sure I would call any alcoholic “functioning” but I agree there can be an appearance of functioning and I would say that I looked like that too. I held down a professional six figure salary job, wouldn’t dream of drinking at work, I have never had the shakes and when I gave up drinking, including my false starts, I did not need any medication. I was still an alcoholic (technically I should say still am). Before I gave up drinking, I was consuming about 100-150 units per week.

I said up thread that I am skeptical that your partner has successfully cut down, I have found that cutting down really isn’t a thing for alcoholics. It has to stop or it will progress. Your partner might think his head is above water now, but it is only a matter of time if they do not stop. I cannot say that it is progressive enough times.

I know that I am fortunate that my partner stayed with me but I would not have blamed them if they had left. I am sober now and no desire to drink again and can’t imagine doing so, but I also cannot see into the future. I feel sad that so many posters would write me off completely as a person, but I understand as well.

The main issue, and it really is a very very big one, with your scenario, is that you have at no point said your partner has the desire to stop drinking. If he had the desire it is still a hard thing to crack, but without it, this is utterly futile from your perspective. There is nothing you can do to help him. I gather you are not currently tied to him financially or legally and I think it would be madness to do so.

We're 100% done, I hope. It's not just his drinking; it's the way he's treated me both when drinking and when not. He doesn't really have very good relationship skills... There are plenty of other issues too.

@Teeturtle well done on turning it around. I’m glad to hear you are doing well. I know you are skeptical he has cut down but the proof is in his appearance. I’ve also had a couple of messages from people we hadn’t seen in a while due to lockdown etc that say they could see a big difference in his appearance. But it’s scary to think he is still drinking around similar to what you were drinking previously. So he must have been drinking well over 200 units a week before I came along. In all honesty though no he doesn’t want to stop. He knew he needed to cut back and he also did it so he didn’t lose me. But like you say, he’s not doing it for himself so he’s just doing the minimum needed thinking that’s enough that I won’t leave. But over Xmas it’s been an excuse to drink everyday and I just realised I can’t do this anymore. I’m not tied to him financially as such but we do have ties in one way or another. Nothing that would make me stay though. Leaving him would be so hard. I worry he will go downhill quickly. I know that’s no reason to stay but it doesn’t make it any easier.

My friends mother died of alcoholism and her liver test results showed ‘slightly elevated’ ten days before she collapsed and died with blood pouring out of her mouth and nose. Massive organ failure.

@BTF21 I left him about 15 years ago and we're no longer in touch. I am in touch with his family still and all I know is he's alive, not working and living as a recluse.

I left my ex husband 18 years ago because of alcoholism. He is as far as I’m aware still drinking, he is also still working. He has remained single because his first love is alcohol. I was in my late twenties, our sex life was non-existent, he drank every night after work. Our weekends revolved around horse racing and the pub. It was no life, I moved on, you should too.

I will worry he will go downhill quickly

Before I got sober, I was surprisingly mindful of what I was doing to myself. I had the desire to stop and I was aware of what I was doing to my partner and very sad about that, but I couldn’t stop. I used to tell them that they would be better off without me.

Had they left, I think one of two things would have happened. I think it is possible that it would be the wake up call I needed to sort myself out. The other thing that could have happened, is that it would have made no difference whatsoever.

The scenario I cannot imagine happening at all, is that their leaving would have hastened my going downhill. I can see why you might think it would, but their presence wasn’t regulating my drinking anyway so their absence would not have opened the floodgates. So no don’t put this guilt on yourself, there is a chance however small, that you might even end up doing him a favour.

When I found out about the extent of his drinking I didn’t want to just write him off. But I feel like I’ve given him his chance. He doesn’t want to stop as he enjoys drinking too much. It doesn’t help that his family and friends all pretend it’s all okay. They even buy him beers for Christmas and birthdays! Even though they know his troubles.

@Teeturtle thank you. I think guilt plays a big part in not having left already.

I recently left my husband over serious and long term alcohol abuse (also not real liver issues). He has gone downhill since. I have to remind myself daily that he was going downhill regardless of what i did. Ultimately if this doesn't make him try to get help then i did the right thing to leave and if it does make him get help i did the right thing to leave. I will not be going back ever. You eventually reach a point when you have had enough. Everyone's threshold is different - mine was pretty high but i am done with that horrific life.
In a nutshell your options are leave now or leave later, the longer you wait to leave means less of your life left to live properly.