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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend acting shady about me meeting his friends

64 replies

Sofi31 · 03/01/2022 17:08

My bf and I have met each other’s family over Christmas but I’ve not met his friends. He has met mine. I wasn’t overly pushy about this as I wanted to meet his family first.

There have been times when I’ve found out afterwards in the past where he has invited his friends and their gfs on nights out/at at his house and I never was invited. He would always say you wouldn’t like it as we were drinking (I’m not a big drinker) etc.

He mentioned that he has invited his friends and their gfs over to his house and he’s cooking for everyone next week and if I wanted to join them, I could. I said yes.

When we were discussing plans about when we seeing each other next, he said he’s busy seeing his friends (this is day he invited them to his house) so could I see him the following day instead.

Clearly he didn’t want me there. I didn’t say anything as I felt slightly embarrassed.

Fast forward to the bank holiday, he told me that he and friends have made plans to go out into town, get some food drinks. He said I’m welcome to join. I said yes, I’d love to. And I asked where I can meet them. 20 mins later I received a text to say, he’s just found out everywhere is closed, they drove past few places and the pubs looked closed so they will go into town first and then let me know if I should go or not.

I said to him that I thought most places like that are open on a bank holiday and he said yes but not where he is. I told him that it seems like he doesn’t want me to meet his friends and if that is case then he should just be honest. It’s all very confusing so is he fobbing me off or am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Letitsnoooow · 03/01/2022 17:14

It does sound like he’s making excuses. How long have you been together?

Original poster
Sofi31 · 03/01/2022 17:16

Just over 1.5 years

OP posts:
Letitsnoooow · 03/01/2022 17:23

I don’t see how you couldn’t meet them in a year and a half! Are you on his social media? Do you live in the same town? Do you go out locally together?

Thatsplentyjack · 03/01/2022 17:27

So he asked you to go to his for dinner with his friends and then changed his mind?
What did he say when you said it sounds like he doesn't want you to meet his friends and he should just be honest?

CrushedPistachios · 03/01/2022 17:30

I wasn’t expecting you to say you’d been together for that length of time, more like a 3/6month relationship behaviour.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/01/2022 17:30

You haven't met any of his friends in a year and a half? That hasn't been a HUGE red flag for you?

Stop wasting your time on this one.

Bellyups · 03/01/2022 17:35

Oh bless you op, apart from the red flags and seemingly secretive social life of his, it’s really very unkind how he is almost toying with you and letting you down. Very horrible.
There’s obviously something going on. He doesn’t seem keen on you meeting his friends for some reason. After 1.5 years I would really expect to have met most of them, even if not regularly.
You’re worth more than that Flowers

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 03/01/2022 17:38

Who does he think he is ? He'll message you and let you know whether to come out or not? Om that basis alone he'd be dumped and I wouldn't waste any further time trying to unravel his inner thoughts and feelings .

Scarydinosaurs · 03/01/2022 17:39

That’s a long time to not socialise in groups? Why do you think you haven’t met them yet? Is the group still friends with his ex?

Theendisnow · 03/01/2022 17:41

That’s really crappy. There’s no good reason you can’t have met his friends by now. I’d be asking him outright why that was.

Wombat43 · 03/01/2022 17:41

Another girlfriend? Or boyfriend? There'll be a reason...

layladomino · 03/01/2022 17:43

Aside from the fact he seems to be keeping you from his friends, I think I'd be dumping him on the basis if him messing you about, and thinking he can pick you up and drop you at a moment's notice, assuming that you're sat at home waiting for his royal summonse. Arrogant so and so.

Lennon80 · 03/01/2022 17:45

Has a past or present he doesn’t want you to know about. Huge red flag! Get rid.

ShadowGirls · 03/01/2022 17:46

I expected you to say that you've been together maybe three months!

Very strange behaviour. Do his friends even know he has a gf?!

MadMadMadamMim · 03/01/2022 17:46

This is so odd. And so rude.

I'd dump him. Agree with others asking 'who does he think he is?' I wouldn't be sitting at home, hoping he'd allow me to join in. Either I'm invited to social events as his girlfriend or we'd be done. Particularly social events he's hosting!.

FetchezLaVache · 03/01/2022 17:47

It's fucking bollocks that his girlfriend of 18 months is an afterthought in his plans for basically a couples' dinner party! There are plenty of possible explanations for his behaviour, but none of them show him in a particularly good light. I'd be chucking this one back, OP.

Anordinarymum · 03/01/2022 17:49

I'm guessing drugs plays a part in this and OP doesn't partake

morbidd · 03/01/2022 17:49

He keeps dangling the prospect of meeting them and then snatching it away from you.

Do you both have social media?

Do they know you exist?

Could he be ashamed of them perhaps?

cstaff · 03/01/2022 18:09

I thought you were talking about a few months also. This is very strange op.

Rainbowqueeen · 03/01/2022 18:12

I’d dump him
That is way too long to have never met a single friend of his. He clearly has no intention of introducing you
This is not a healthy relationship for you and there is no prospect of it becoming one.

BarefootHippieChick · 03/01/2022 18:15

@Anordinarymum

I'm guessing drugs plays a part in this and OP doesn't partake

I'm wondering this too. Or he has some other girlfriend on the side, or for some reason thinks his friends would not like her or get on with her.
Op, if I hadn't met his friends by now I'd be long gone.

mnahmnah · 03/01/2022 18:24

There’s definitely some reason why he thinks you won’t fit in with his mates and their girlfriends

Failingallotmenteur · 03/01/2022 18:43

ONE AND A HALF YEARS????

How old are you?

This is not usual. He's hiding something and treating you like shit. Get rid!

MsDogLady · 03/01/2022 18:51

Sofi, is this the man who was sneakily dating his Ex? If not, it looks like you have jumped from one dodgy relationship to another.

He has an agenda to exclude you from his social life. It sounds like he has heretofore frozen you out of that part of his life, but recently has been dangling invitations when he knows he won’t follow through. He is treating you with contempt and callous disregard.

Sofi, it’s been 18 months. You deserve to be included. If he is excluding you because they are drinking heavily or drugging, then your values are incompatible. I’m actually wondering if his friends even know about you. Do they think he is single?

My advice is to walk away. You’re being disrespected. Flowers

spotcheck · 03/01/2022 18:55

Gosh....

I've been in a similar situation with two men.

Both times, it was:

  1. soul destroying. Even if they weren't cheating/ up to something, the fact they didn't want me around chipped away at my self esteem until it was in a very precarious state. It's been three years since the last one, and I'm not sure I've recovered even now.
  2. They were both 'up to something'. I'm not sure penises actually went into vaginas, but I do know that both men needed me out of the way so they could work on other prospects.

I tried very hard to not think the worst... At best though, it was still bad, and unacceptable.

I would bet my house that isn't the only red flag though.
What else are you ignoring?

I do feel for you though. Usually people who do what your chap is doing is very very good at manipulating, which makes the whole thing confusing.